LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I'm afraid I have a pox, It's name is a judge sentenced detox, But, how can I mend, My friends won't let me bend, Beside...

The judge said my teenage soul needed a revamp, So, he sent me away to bandcamp, I started dating this girl, Till my bunkmates called ...

I stuck a fork in a toaster, To get my toast unstuck, It worked well when I stuck it in my roaster, But, this time I was out of luck, ...

Hey, little guy with the big, high dome, I understand they call you a gnome, I wish you'd leave and go home, Instead around my garden, y...

I cannot get myself to write a poem, That is sympathetic to a garden gnome, Every gnome is so mean, And, their cloths they don't clean, ...

All food deserves a garlic dash, It makes dull food vibrant and brash, Food with garlic delights my taster, And, garlic with butter is th...

Every ninth fish is always a zombie, So says my fishing bud Bob Abercrombie, He says "it's not a surprise, They have death in...

A wild pig steals my paper each day,🐗 What he does with it I really can’t say, But, I don’t think it is funny, Because it cost so much mo...

Jim tried to make phone calls and do some bond sellin' But, he ended up in prison and branded a felon, And, although the bonds were no...

I had no nails to nail my tree house boards, So I tied them to branches with electric cords, Then my brother Dog Found an electrical plug, T...

The stork brought babies and babies, My pet rat came down with the rabies, My skin was all covered with scabies, It was the darkest and dark...

I heard a knock up on the door, and it was the Stork, He gave me a baby that he said was named Cork, I told him he had some nerve, This baby...

I quit driving my car for a pogo stick, Yet, now I can't seem to get anywhere quick, I can jump really high, And, pretend I can fly, But...

I use to have a dragon and all he'd eat was rice, I tried to feed him noodles that I bought for half the price, My dragon said the...

While offloading my pickup truck, I did not chock my tires and had bad luck, Because I didn't chock my tires, The truck squashed m...

Woe into me for I have frostbite,  For I went there out with no gloves in the cold dead of night, Then, I blew out one bad cough,  And...

I went to the circus to see Dunder the clown, But, Dunder had just got back from a night-on-the-town, And, Dunder the clown star, Smashed...

I went to Egypt to dig up a mum, But, I stayed at a hotel and drank tankards of rum, So, I let the mum be, And, watched colored TV, ...

In May the seedlings upward sputter, Above the bugs with wings, go flutter, In the trees, Peep open leaves, On golf ball grass, I puts my pu...

May is the month to rake needles from the pines, In May my lawn fills with gross dandelions, In May my garden fills with weeds, When I pl...

A Bigfoot made a nest in the barn on my farm, I did not believe it would cause any harm, But when the Bigfoot eggs hatched out, There were l...

Because the dreaded unknown conjures great fears, Noel wanted to live for billions of years, He came up with a plan, To become an immortal m...

At 5'8" I hit my head on the stoop, Then, I just started to recoup, At a weight of pounds 144, I fell through the bad floor, And, w...

Spring is when the bugs and snakes, Wake up to hunt the foods each takes, Melted highways will reveal their woe, Revealing critters th...

Zelda is the creature who I want to see the least, Because, depending upon how I approach her she becomes a different beast, From the fr...

I didn't see it coming, that is, the invasion from Mars, I was busy canning tomatoes in wide mouth mason jars, The Martian army was ...

Jim's fancy pants were way too short, So on the dance floor Jim couldn't cavort, Too tight for friend, Willy, The pants were deemed ...

Two twin green peppers grew on a bush, One got rotten and turned into mush, The good pepper was glad, That the other went bad, Bec...

George had two springs pop up in his bed, One stabbed him in the back the other in the head, George’s mind filled with doom, So he ran fr...

This is the story of Billy Deed, He was in a giant pickle, Billy Deed was a pickle seed, He froze and became a pickle-sickle In the spr...

Meter Mary had power to wield, She left a time ticket upon my windshield, For the time that I had was expired, From that ticket Meter ...

Watching the sun made my vision real bad, Loud music made me deaf and mom mad, Poor posture my neck ache, Poor diet made my leg break, B...

The glue that was used on my self-sticking stamps, Smelled kind of funny so I shared it with gramps, Then, gramps gave it a lick, And, I ...

In the end there is no end, just a silent tuning fork, Like a wine bottle once opened up, you can't appease with cork, So, oft we go...

Missy tried to play the French horn, But the music was so forlorn, It wasn’t just sad, It was ugly and bad, It’s too bad the French horn...

Uncle Emil raised big chickens, Then, roasted them for the king’s court, One day he did not clean them well, And, the king put Emil on re...

I needed firewood but my chainsaw wouldn't start, So, I used a screwdriver and took it apart, But, I could not make it run better, Beca...

My little bug named Rover, Decided he'd find a clover, A bird overflew, The bird gave Rover a chew, My new little bug is named Grove...

Tammy was chugging vodka and apple cider, When she swallowed a cursed black widow spider, It bit her in the throat, She then started to b...

When I enter the forest I'm always prepared, I'm ready to run for I keep myself scared, And, I never fail, To find the bunny t...

Watch out for monsters, they'll steal all your bling, They ripped out my piercing and gnawed off my ring, And my bracelet of gold, Was r...

I did not see the lawnmower, nor the fence nor the car, Now my old farm tractor lies in bits on the highway tar, I run over things inste...

My python has just slithered away, Now, out in the Florida swamps she will play, Warning:  my snake is a hater, So, beware alligator, Yo...

I found several zombies swimming in my swimming pool, Their arms were eaten off so their swim style was not cool, Like dead fish in my fis...

Sally was being chased through the woods by a wild bore with tusks, She figured he was attracted to her deodorant which smelled like musk, ...

I walked in the woods and found a puddle with an ark, And, floating there all crowed was a big piece of bark, It held ants, worms and c...

Sammy ate pork sausage not quite done, He ate it anyway because he had to run, But it was not funny, When the pork came out runny, While Sam...

Maggie was a pig, who liked to really sue, If you looked at her wrong your court date was due, She would haul you in, Accuse you of sin, ...

Glendora was a spider monster who lived in a forest cave. Glendora was the only spider monster in the forest and that made Glendora very unh...

Jim's pickup slid right off of the road, It was a wreck and had to be towed, Jim's car would not start, Nor would his golf cart, ...

Old Pete was a Michigan water bug, He didn’t swim fast but, went chug, chug, chug, He didn’t have any job where he had to be, He could sw...

There was a weird weasel named Willie, When seen he'd often seem silly, He'd bark like a dog, Then, grunt like a hog, And, dress...

My time machine broke down in the late middle ages, That was the most backward of human historical stages, They over used the word ...

I served punch in my fanciest bowl, In the bottom the bowl had a hole, That's where my punch would drain, On ma's carpet, it left a ...

I had but one small frosty cone, I saved it for a heatwave yet unknown, Then when the temps made a big jump, And heated up my small du...

Well, I have some really bad news, In your trailer I put in the wrong fuse, I didn't expect all the fire, From every electrical...

Carrie the fish swam up in the clouds, She swam way up there to avoid all the crowds, For space she didn't vie, It was quiet in the sky,...

In Michigan for a meal to score, You must become an omnivore, With finances unkind, You eat what you find, On the dirt, the bush or, the...

I had a little commute, To the concert hall to play my toot toot, But to my despair, Nobody was there, It seems the promoter had got the boo...

I went to do an internet post, While in thought I burned my toast, It was my last slice of bread, That was not stale, moldy dead, My coffee ...