LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

In Sam’s toilet there was a rattlesnake, He thought it crawled up from his septic tank, While his wife was baking a birthday cake, Poor S...

Under the yim yong tree I and my dear love matted some grass, That's where we did picnic and drank from a thermos lined with glass, A...

It's really dirty in outer space, And with microgravity I have one cluttered place, Everything floats in the air, I need some home...

I decided to workout at the gym, I got covid and the outlook was grim, I soon died from those germs, Became food for the worms, It's wha...

Windchill, windchill go away, Or, I will freeze my face today, I must shovel snow, Or, I cannot go, Ice fishing out on the bay.

There was this big heavy fellow named Cy, He was a pizza delivery guy, When he'd wiggle his hips, He'd get much bigger tips, But...

I went to vote in a primary, And found my choices were binary, Either a one or a zero, No choice for a hero, I should have wasted my tim...

The dirt, the forest, the night is my friend, I am the hunter, that’s what I’ll be in the end, My eyes are pagan jewels, My ears are pred...

Their pizza chews like boogers,☝ Their soda runs like snot,👃 And the box the pizza comes in,🍕 Smells like a toilet pot.💩 It seems the top...

Chicken wire is the thing, To guard my tulips in the spring, The rabbit will bite, But, if the wire is tight, He'll just bite wi...

I came from a planet where we only eat fries, The fries come from potatoes and sometimes meat-pies, One time we tried kale, But, it made ...

My computer is giving me grief, I hope it's just a temporary beef, But when it's files become bound, It is nasty all around, ...

I went to the beach to gather some sun, And, there was a sea monster that made everyone run, But, I was not afraid, Of the sea mo...

I drew and cutout some little paper pigs, I pasted them on the walls all around my digs, Now, when things look real dire, My pigs I admir...

I went and bought a statue and placed it under my tree, The tree fell on my statue and worse, it fell on me, My little brain cells got splat...

Two little chickens were moved into a dumpling soup, They were told to stay there while the farmer redecorated their coup, But the soup go...

My pa’s name was old Clyde Foots, His third wife Karen, he nicknamed, Toots, They had an all male litter of nine, This to me was just fin...

Nuclear bombs fell on my house, And everything died, even the mouse, I had nowhere to go, I just sat in my glow, Another glow-in-dark, becam...

Jerry plays the clarinet, He plays so bad his mom's upset, The band gave him the boot, Took back his band suit, Now he fishes crabs ...

When I was flying my big blue kite, A skeeter gave me quite a bite, The bite made me pull the string real tight, And, I flew off towards ...

Jim slipped and fell on some ice, Ground contact did not feel real nice, When he got to his feet, He felt a pain in his seat, In his b...

I went to Russia to get me some pigs, I got sixty dozen, trading four packs of cigs, Then on that eve, Before I could leave, I was offered 1...

No one played the baritone, Quite as well as old Tyrone, He played so melodic, That the girls danced exotic, In the street in a ...

I went to Russia to find some good eats, But Russian policemen gave me some beats, I got tortured  till raw, Have a soar, wired jaw, So fore...

I wonder what zombies like best to eat? Is it the fingers?  Is it the feet? Do zombies like best the naval or lips? Or, maybe they like s...

I wrote some real stinky prose, It was so bad it stuffed up my nose, So I punched my keyboard's delete, The lines vanished complete, ...

Mailbox, forlorn soul, Icy road, bad driver,  SMASH! Metal scraps, goodbye.

There once was an internet robot, And his name was Jeb, He liked to mess with systems, While playing on the web, Jeb was a robot, And ...

Jenny likes to drink orange juice, But Jenny is a silly goose, She drinks the juice when it's tainted, With green slime all painted, ...

When I pick a hammer up, it immediately slips and falls on my toes, Then  I'm hopping on one foot in that one foot hopping pose, The...

As I was sitting all nice and quiet, The mice came out and had a big riot, First, they knocked over my beer cans, Then they danced on ...

I went outside when the moon was real bright, But it was cold and I got some frostbite, Doc said the frostbite, it lingers, As he cut off my...

When I have company, there is little to do, So I get out my airplane glue, I have models galore, I bought half price at the store It's e...

I spot checked my bananas and they had spoiled and turned black, I spot checked my potatoes and they gone putrified in their sack, My pep...

Jimmy's heart-valve did not click, So it made him very sick, Too young to depart, Jimmy chose a new part, Now  a pig-valve helps Jim...

I looked at my body and found I'm all plastic, I'm no longer human:  my skin's inelastic, I don't eat, I don't drink...

My carving knife is too dull to cut cheese, My steak knife won't cut steak or green peas, My sharpener is on the fritz, It is broken ...

My bagel was lacking cream cheese, I had specified the "CC" and said "please," But I got a cheddar cheese stacking, P...

What flavor is the mushroom? Methinks the mushroom flavor bold, What value is the flavor? For morals it's sterling and gold, Mo...

I married my first cousin and we had 29 kids,🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸 🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸 The girls we called Marys, the boys we ...

The price of hair spray has gone up, up, up, I'll soon have to choose between my hair spray or sup, I private teach music horns, My low ...

Tuff was a tragic wagon,  Parked underneath a tree, And when that tree fell over, Tuff became nothing but debris.

Onan, Dave's good friend, owns a clothing store, It's a place that Dave will often explore, Sometimes Dave buys size XXX, Mens shirt...

I hate doing dishes, They pile up everyday, Especially the pots and pans, I figure there must be a better way, So, now I use just paper...

Someone put Destroying Angels in my stew,  They are said to be deadly, and that is quite true, So exercise and dieting was time wasted, And ...

Margaret, Margaret what's in the stew? I ate here on tuesday and came down with the flu, I use to think no stew finer, Than the stew ...

The water was calm and the skies were clear, So I went bobber fishing just off the pier But my red and white, Was invisible that night, Caus...

Too many snowflakes fell on my shack, The roof caved in while I slept in the sack, When it was all done, I was facing the sun, So,I roll...

Today I'll.go outside, if I can, To make me a perfect snowman, First I roll some snowballs, Then I stack them up, talls, Then I rub him ...

I saw two fishes holding fins in the sea, They were kissing and took no note of me, I told them kissing in public was rare, They asked me to...

I was made so sad today, For my unicorn ran away, He didn't like my peasant food, He said my language was gutter-crude, And my crumm...

MY LEMONADE STAND The lemonade I sold was not from good juice, My customers complained that their bowls got too loose, And one lady ...

Bonnie bought ten sets of sheets, Because her accidents were repeats, Bonnie bought six gallons of bleach, Which turned pink sheets a whi...

I thought the card dealer had a striking tell, When his cards were really good his nostrils would swell, His nostrils swelled big as his hea...

I trolled for bluegills and caught a log, It was stuck in the bottom in a dark mucky bog, Then my line broke, And, like some unkind jo...

My coffee maker went to pot, I bought it cheap to save a lot, I went back to the store, Bought one for much more, I thought it would be ...

For my family I made a pie chart, It was a bean pie so my family started to fart, I opened a window for the breeze, Then, someone let ...

My garden was all full of rocks, But it grew the most beautiful big hollyhocks, Then along came a deer, Who ate without fear, Until I us...

I made an appointment with my bank, Because my savings was in the tank, The interest paid was one percent, More income was my meetings in...

Vinny hung a picture up on the wall, He hung it wrong and watched it fall, Vinny laid down linoleum in front of the door, He used the wro...