LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I never knew just what was coming, All I heard was just the humming, Then, out of the breeze, Came ten million bees, Although, I migh...

There were little mites that lived on my pig, They were irritating, so in mud my pig would dig, But to even the score, The mites would bite ...

There was a rancher named Giles, He hailed from the British Isles, He raised billy-goats, On green beans and oats, The smell would hit y...

I went back in time to visit my ancestor named Lucy, I found her eating a big gander goosey, She shared her meal, Of goose and oatmeal, Then...

I went to London to visit the queen,  But the guards wouldn't let me see her because they were mean, So on one's big puffy hat, I ga...

I went to Grammy's and got plague up my nose, I got covered with plague from my hairs to my toes I hope one fine day, The plague goes aw...

I'm trying to get over my addiction to snow, It's hard to get over when it's everywhere that I go, I need an intervention, For m...

There was a nice pig named Clancy, He liked to dress up really fancy, He didn't get a thrill, By swimming in Swill, Besides he dated...

Lola used precision tools on appliances large and small, And because she made such quick repairs Lola was always on call,  Then, one day ...

Debbie baked a secret birthday cake, And she baked the cake with love, She baked it for her boyfriend Drake, And hid it in the at...

Chipmunk ate my cupcake, Squirrel ate my  asthma pill, Otter ate my fish, Rabbit ate my dill, Bear drank my moonshine,  River ate my r...

Dark circles under the eyes, Flabby bulges in the thighs, Teeth with stains, Big weight gains, You turned 21, it's no surprise.

On the highway my scooter wouldn't scoot, I held up traffic and got a toot, toot, Then, along came the police, To keep the traffic at...

After I received a vampire bite, Then I turned a real white, white, My hope did a sag, When I got my toe tag, And got shoved in a freezer, r...

There are potatoes in my stew, chilli and all my  soup, There are potatoes in my fridge, freezer, cupboards, closet, stoop, There are potato...

My cash reserves were pretty lean, My bank account was empty, clean, I took cornmeal and made some porridge,  The cornmeal came from long te...

My robot, cleaned floor, Girlfriend, robot cleaned her, Robot, girlfriend gone.

While the household snores and slumbers,🛏🛏 I make pretty pics with my paint-by-numbers,💯3⃣🔞🔢 They're pretty pics I can boast,💩💩💩...

George went to a river to fish, He needed some fish for a dish, George fell in the water, But couldn't swim like an otter, A rescue ...

Circles, circles, circles on my eyelids and my nose, I figured I had ringworm, and I got it from my cloths, So I asked my favorite teach, He...

My name is Buck Chainney and I come from deep space, I thought I'd find good food when I stopped at this place, But, the me...

Roland the ant was caught in a winter storm, Roland had no way to keep himself warm, But, he found an ant hill, And, that was a thrill, ...

A canister was full of potato chips, The chips disappeared across plump salty lips, Then, a box of doughnuts with a hole, And, a sticky j...

The turkeys made some babies and put the babies in some eggs, When the babies broke out they had tiny beaks and little legs, But the babies ...

Little Sagan was a pagan who preached out in the woods, Little Sagan had a dragon to protect his most valuable goods, Along came three rob...

Well, it’s the middle of the month again, And, it seems that I’ll never win, I have so much to do, But, can’t see nothing threw, I hope ...

The lake water teams with parasites, Those who drink it can expect long, nasty nights, A drinker was the bear, All night he cried out ...

There was a clever man named Perkins, With machines he knew all of their workin's, When his business burnt down, There was no one in ...

In January the temps go slump, But January 16, is the January hump, More light in the day, Hope for a quick coming May, Optimism gets a much...

On the first day of school a partridge entered a spelling bee, He could not spell potato so, he received the grade of "E", O...

On January 13th, here come the Ides, I’m not sure if you get low or high tides, The best thing to do, Is go to the zoo, And, see if the ...

When I figured my finances were solid and sound, I decided to buy the whole bar a round, But I came up real short, And, the bar keep no s...

There was an old dragon named Fred, He ate only things that were red, He ate a red boat, Then tried to go float, But he sank to the bott...

In the garden, some fear goblins, some fear trolls, Some fear gnomes, but I fear voles, Voles plague me with fear, That they'll ch...

Because I live in Tennessee, I drank moonshine till I couldn't see, Then mamma gave me a slap, Said I was a drunk, just like pap, He...

I had a grandma named Marge, Grandma Marge was not very large, In fact, she was very small, But, when all the chips were flat down, She...

Jerry was a snow turtle, He did not like the sun, It was only in the winter, That Jerry had any fun, Jerry liked to snowboard, He like...

With pots and pans, a dinner I'll make,  Desert will be a choc frosting cake, I'll then have a nightcap, Take a night nap, In the a....

Torty is a really simple pink pig, So simple he failed algebra, calc and then trig, So Torty quit school,  Bought a small plastic pool, And ...

The roof on my home was felled by the snow, The roof completely collapsed, so I had nowhere to go, I could only weep, I had no castle ...

For most flies have such little appeal, Yet, I decided to keep flies in a jar with a seal, They are comforting pets, With their appendage se...

In Michigan we love our cold, We pass out hot cocoa to young and old, And, when the snow gets real deep, Beneath its cover we'll c...

Parnell went to work and lost his job, He worked in retail and looked like a slob, His cloths did not fit, He smelled just a bit, And the...

Sherman was,a goody two shoes, every single day, He never lied, never bad things he tried, he was goody all the way, Then he went to band ca...

I decided to work on Wall Street, To prepare I ate only raw meat, At first I felt like a lion, Then, I swore I was dyin', Vomit paid...

Shelly was a goody two shoes, She would not smoke or touch the booze, But, when she left Randy, She ate too much candy, Now, wherever sh...

I flew an airplane but didn't get high, I only got up two feet in the sky, At least I did not crash, And saved on jet fuel, like cash, S...

I make fried green tomatoes, Sometimes with fried potatoes, I slice them thick or thin, Different tastes for different kin, I dip them ...

Wendel was a poisoned frog, He ate too much whoopee weed, He'd be fine if he just ate the stalks, But, he also ate the seed, No one...

Before I go to school I eat a pot pie, Before I go to school I eat bagels of rye, Before I go to school I eat an orange, make it die, ...

I am full of parasites, Micro ones and big ones with bites, They burrow in, Organs and skin, Making irritating days, restless nights.

Noah had a chicken,🍗 Noah had a fish,🍤 Noah had some taters,🍟 Noah made a salad dish,💐 Noah had a nice dinner,🍸🍽🍷🍹 Noah had a cute f...

Peter Weeter was a Tweeter, Tweeting he did very well, Peter Weeter was no eater, His bones bulged out, so you could tell, Peter Weeter...

Mr. Williams had a nasal hair, It was a foot long so many people would stare, He went to Nantucket, To find a barber to cut it, But, now...

I wish I was a slinky, walking down the stairs, If I were a slinky, I couldn't be ate by bears, If I had a slinky life, I'd gr...

I was walking down the sidewalk and knocked over some paint, This guy walks through it and happy he aint, The guy shouts, "hey you!...

My woodstove was in a really bad spot, It was in the library with books and that lot, Well my yard looks really neat, The house burnt up ...

The leach knew he was in a lurch, When the raven flew down from his perch, But, a breeze full of smog, Filled the bird's view with...

Three geese went to a party, They had too much to drink, They picked a fight with three bad skunks, And, really made a stink, Three gee...

Derrick kept a hamster for a pet, The hamster was unstable and acted real upset, It bit Derrick on the thumb, His thumb swelled like a pl...