LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

When I look ahead of me, Just confusion do I see, 2022, Looks all askew, Can't wait till it's 2023.

While digging in my garden, I came across a mouse, But, unlike old Robert Burns, I loved to destroy his house, Old Burns loved the mous...

At the stroke of midnight we were done,🔔 Into the past sank 2021,🎶🎶🎤 Now to struggle through,🍻🍺🍸🍸🍷🍺🍸🍸🍷🍷 The New Year, 2022,🌄 ...

I installed my new furnace and gave it a lite, Then I laid down and slept sound through the night, But, I almost died, From carbon monoxide,...

A crawdad grabbed me by my big toe, He pinched me so hard he caused me great woe, But, with my new shotgun, I just knew I had won, The c...

Sherry my chicken, I put in a box, To avoid my catching the chickenpox, The box was an oven, I broiled her with lovin', And, garnish...

Parker liked eating possum, He baked it in his pie, Parker liked his possum sandwiches, On whole wheat bread, never rye, Parker had the hicc...

I feel like a drop of pee, Floating in a turd filled sea, No one really cares for me, Because I smell like last night's tea, Flush the t...

I was tired of rice and beans as my primary eats, So I went to a fast burger place to get me some meats, But the burgers were so rare, ...

I tried to make bacon by curing some eel, But, the taste was lacking of any appeal, I tried curing some snake, The taste was too bad to take...

Jay looked to the east, Jay looked to the west, jay chewed on grass, Passed major gas, Everyday, all day long, Jay sat on his nest.

The best friend I have is a port bellied pig, He drinks only port wine and it makes him real big, He eats mashed potatoes too, He grav...

I had a friend who was a trancer, She'd drink vinegar as a trance enhancer, I knew she was way off world, When her lower lip curle...

Lots of people are getting the sicks, Because they're being bitten by little ticks, Of course gasoline,  Got me really clean,  But I sho...

So, ye many jeer the weird and crazy, The slovenly and very lazy,  But, they are such fun, I've become one, In the end we all fee...

I was told I was a really bad, bad bad, boy, That's why on Christmas I did 't get one darn toy, So I ran away from home, Became a ga...

I watched football on Christmas Day,😯 My team lost, I'll have to pay,🤕 Because of my gambling plot,🤑 I have a pension, not,😲 I'l...

The tainted turkey was not my fault, I thought I killed the taint with extra salt, My family gave me jeers, For charging to drink beers, And...

Santa's sleigh was made of hydrogen, which put the sleigh in flight, Santa's reindeer were gas balloons, that helped Santa's sle...

Santa left a present, but I don't think it is mine, It is 15 gallons of spiced rum, but I am only 9, I gave some to my dog Duke, It made...

It's Christmas Eve and I'm heading home from work,🚲 I got hit by a speeder and man, what a jerk,💩 He sped off, didn't stay,🚐 ...

The little reindeer could not make the trip, Flying in front of Santa's! ship, The little reindeer called in sick, Replaced by a moose n...

I celebrated my birthday on Christmas Day, On my actual birthday, no one stopped by my way, Still, nobody came, Is Covid the blame? Or, my f...

On Christmas we eat frozen berries,🍓 And lots of nuts and cherries,🍒🌰 We never eat meat,🐔🐀🐿🐘🐖🐄🐩 From critters with feet,👣👣👣👣 W...

I ate holiday candy until I was shaking, Now, my bad teeth are constantly aching, I know my judgment was real poor, But, why should my mo...

Patty was a werewolf, She hunted night and day, But, every year on Christmas Eve, She guarded Santa’s sleigh, When Patty snarled and ba...

I went to Midland Michigan to visit the Tridge, But, then I got lost on the three legged bridge, I just got the quivers, As I watched bel...

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace, Hoping that Santa would come in the night, I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace, My...

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves, He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves, He got tired one day, From his hard work at ...

If you're going to travel far, far away, In celebration of this grand holiday, Beware the snowman in your garden pleasance, Before le...

Bob Roy had no time to bake, Any Christmas cookies for Santa’s sake, Bob Roy had frosting in a can but, no backers, So, Bob Roy spread th...

If I were Santa I'd buy some sheep, Because reindeer are to costly to keep, Of course, magic flying sheepy, Might sound kind of creepy, ...

Sarah Sue sailed out of harbor dock, In the morning at about 10 o'clock, A storm blew her off course, And with the captain's remo...

When Santa sits around unemployed,  He stares off into the void, Soon lickety-split, He jumps up, he can’t sit, He must design a toy dogg...

This be the tale of Mr. and Mrs. Trotter, They liked eating raw oysters and otter, They both spent much time on the potter, They'd flush...

My cake was a bit overdone,  The frosting was a watery run,  And, the flavor I fear, Was like old skunky beer, And, heaving vomit for we...

There was a farmer who lived in a dell, For him things did not go very well, His pigs all had fleas, The winter froze out his bees, The ...

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace, Hoping that Santa would come in the night, I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace, My fun...

Santa Claus bought a new sleigh, It was made out of plastic they say, When Santa sat down, The  cheap plastic broke down, He loaded his ...

Today my stocks took quite a stumble, It seems their earnings have taken a tumble, I guess the kids will grow up lean, No tacos and pi...

Heavy snows made my old roof go crash, Without insurance, I ran out of cash, So, I got a loan from a bank, Watched my credit tank, I still h...

While hiking I met a timber wolf named Sam, He wanted meat to eat with his toast and jam, I told him I was not a meat dish, I was really ...

Porch pirates, porch pirates what have you done? You've ruined the Christmas for almost everyone, You've stolen our cheer, For those...

Mr. Smith used toilet tissues, When he cried his eyes out over issues, His life partner Beau, Told Smith to go, Smith now texts Beau all day...

Jennifer plays the viola, But, she can’t get a gig with payola, To support her boyfriend bob, She needed a job, She stocks shelves with ...

A ritzy, ditzy spider licked on a lollipop, Along came a frog that went hop, hop, hop, The frog ate the spider and drank soda pop, So,...

I once had a fruit cake that lived under my couch, He ate my dropped French fries and cuddled with my kitty named Slouch, But, what the...

Barney was a pig with hands and feet, He thought cloven hooves did not look neat, But, with his feet and his hands, He could be eaten in ...

I washed my hair most every day, To try to keep the bugs away, But, they hid up my nose, Wouldn't budge with a hose, So, I got t...

Pete the moose was ten feet tall, But, his feet were just too small, He could not run fast, 'cause his ankles wouldn't last, So,...

I gave the snow a big blow I'd say, I blew the snow far, far away, Over to the neighbors yard, Whom, I knew weren't home today, Blow...

I fell in a hole on top of a bear,  He was hibernating, so I didn't scare, But here's the thing, I took a nap until spring, And woke...

Santa has a broke red wagon, So on Christmas Eve he'll ride a dragon, And without fail, This dragon tale, Will keep Santa non-stop bragg...

Penny played the clarinet, Phyllis beat the drum, Patty tooted her french horn, Mom and dad drank coke and rum. 

Frosty found he had no fun. By playing with his hot ray gun, He vaporized his toe, He set his leg aglow, All the way up to his bun.

No one knows the hamburgers; the hamburgers I've seen, Some are full of chunks of fat and some are grizzle-lean, I like my burgers m...

After all the snow is done blowing, Then I know I must get going, Blowing snow with my half brain knowing, Where my driveway will be showing...

To my boat I always stay tethered, For, I tend to fall overboard when I'm weathered, Not from the winds and the gail, But, from my ke...

I groomed this Christmas tree, It's near pretty as a bee, It's understood, That all it's wood, My fireplace will see.

Marcie Moe the reindeer, Was born on Guy Fawkes Day, It's a holiday no one cares about, Like the one the first of May, Marcie Moe...