LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Fast and loose, the Christmas goose chased me across the yard, Fast and loose, I was chased by that goose, while I wore just a thin leotard,...

We have another holiday, On presents I will spend my pay, I'll catch a meal another day, I sacrifice to hear someone say, "I need t...

My time machine will machine no more, So, I can't the future or the past explore, I am stuck in the present, Like a time trave...

I went to the "Country of the Blind," where the one-eyed man, he sings, But, he didn't sing for nothing and you had to pay wit...

I got a shot; it was a booster, Tasted like chicken; maybe a rooster, So, I got an arm ache, Ate a big slice of cake, It was so good I had a...

I invited for dinner my friend Marvin Hoots, He brought his family, all of them were bigfoots, While belching passionately, They ate my holi...

I went out to pick some juicy pears, And, had to fight off sixteen bears, Then, a wolf pack gave me meany stares, I said, "come get me,...

Ron wanted some peanuts to eat on today, But, a bag full of almonds sat in the way So, on the almonds Ron did feast, Till Ron gassed up like...

Nero drank soda pop all week long, He would not stop, did not know it was wrong, But, then late at night, His bed felt not quite right, And,...

I need jelly in my belly when the snow comes tumbling down, I need jelly in my belly when the snow covers the ground, I need peanut butter t...

Cleo was a real nerd’s nerd, In the dictionary he could define any word, He was also a football jock, In music he could really rock, But...

My family came over for dinner and hugs, I love them so much, in their food I put bugs, With a heave and and ho, To my bathroom they go,  I ...

I got up real  early to eat a turkey feast, But, it won’t be served til noon, at least, Oh, what an affair, I sat down in despair, I wat...

There was a meek chicken named Grover, Who loved to see the end of October, Because Mr. Turkey, Was a real turkey jerky, In November his...

Each year to grandma's we all converge, To set upon our annual family purge, For eating turkey not done, Is our little family fun,...

Murphy was a pretty bird, a pretty bird was he, Murphy was such a pretty bird his pics cost quite a fee, Murphy went to Hollywood and be...

At hunting camp I got the boot, I spoiled the big turkey shoot, When the turkeys came by, I yelled “get lost or die”, I saved lives and ...

At hunting camp we hunted for deer, But, some of us were just insincere, We stayed warm at the camp, All dry and not damp, And drank dow...

I thought I had a gold tooth that was crusty, Turns out it was tin and went rusty, I was charged for the gold, But, tin I was sold, Couldn...

There was a nice goldfish named Drew, But, instead of gold he was blue, Blue made him feel sad, But, he shouldn't feel bad, A blue g...

My poor little ferret, He just could not bear it, Because his girlfriend sang way out of tune, My poor little ferret, Told his girl...

I stare, boar stares back, I see pork, boar sees chicken, Diner or dinner?

My little shoes they got all muddy, Then, everywhere I went they called me cruddy, Well, I read the news, And changed into clean shoes, S...

Was it magic, clouds or too much gin, That made the moon disappear again, "Eclipse," said an educated, Some said gin theory underr...

I went dragon hunting and what did I find, I shot a big dragon and cured bacon rind, At first it was gooey, But I dried it to chewy, I gave ...

I shot a dragon from the sky, Shooting the dragon made my kid cry, Then I made some dragon pie, It burned my guts, thought I would die, Rest...

Clyde was a brown carp who laid in the mud, He'd eat fish food or just floating crud, He couldn't find a wife, He was single for ...

I loaded my dishwasher completely wrong, So, I'm singing the "So Sad, Broken-dish Song," Now, I've paid some sad dues, A...

My oven would not start and my turkey fryer had no gas, I feared that for dinner, on turkey I had to pass, So, things looked really dire, Un...

My friend and I had a pet skunk named Amadeus Whenever he’d see us he couldn't help but to spray us, We did nothing wrong, To get a t...

I'm a little drip coffeemaker, I work for the town's undertaker, When the family feels bad news, I give them coffee for their blues,...

I'm raking leaves and oh my back, My chest is feeling heart attack, There's too many trees around my old shack, But, if the leave...

I went to see some Shakespeare, but they would not let me in,  They said I was so vile, I belonged in a chamber pot lined with tin, So, to g...

Baby boy Bob had a bad diaper rash, His mother changed his diaper and put it in the trash, But, the diaper rash was a curse, Over time it...

I went on a trip to Quebec,ppp Near Detroit my trip went to heck, The tunnel was closed, My trip was just hosed, I got slammed in the tr...

My best friend was a tomato worm, Sometimes I'd pinch him and make him squirm, But, an accident brought such woes, When I squished hi...

I was a little blogger blogging on my blog, Then I went a walking with my cocker spaniel dog, We walked the forest late last night, Until a ...

I set up a fish tank so, I'd own a part of the sea, I got ten little fish who had faces like me, When friends came to visit my inside, I...

I once had a butler robot named Sam, He made sandwiches of Swiss cheese and ham, Yet, what was real fine, He made great rhubarb wine, Bu...

Always a coward, I turn and I run, I feel seeking pain is sick minded, not fun, With a tiger frontal attack, And, vicious bears at my back, ...

I cannot get my team spirit in gear, It's football on Sunday and I have no cheer, No ants in my pants,  To dance and shout chants, Becau...

I ate mushrooms with each dinner course, I gobbled them down feeling no remorse, Then, there was a gurgle in my belly, Like when I ate...

I went for the turkey and the vicious turkey, went for me, One would be dinner the other, a tomorrow would not see, We fought and we fought ...

In college football it must be said, For Michigan, Michigan State is dread, When the Spartans started to advance, The U of M did not have...

It's time for my long winter squat, In a building the owner's forgot, Of course, there's no heat, But, I carbed up my belly and ...

It was early winter and I felt bold, On cold water fishing I'd been sold, Even though, it would be my death, my friends foretold, I'...

Today we got a hard freeze, The cold made my nose run and sneeze, I do miss the summer, Cold air is a bummer, Along with the chill in th...

I don't like fall a lot, My garden has gone to pot, The trees have lost every leaf, From the cold there's no relief, Fall means ...

Why do people drive with a flat tire? Because they see a monster in the rear view seat, And, if that monster looks a little bit hungry, T...

Daisy ran the marathon really fast, But, the candy she had for breakfast did not last, Towards the end she was tired, No candy made her u...

It's terror along the fence line for the barbies got my cloths, They also ripped away the skin on my thigh, my arm, my nose, Thus, m...

Time travel, easy, Reflect, relive, rearrange, Time travel, mind game.

I dug a hole for my toilet near my garden outside, I thought to  build over a shack for privacy pride, But, I knew I dug deep, too far, When...

Way down below Fahrenheit zero, That's when the mailman becomes my hero, Though the snow may ceaseless blow, The mail will always go, A...

Steve knew his stomach was troubled, As it perked, gurgled and bubbled, He ate rancid pork that was free, From former wife named Kaylee, ...

I bought my family a big piece of beef, Didn't know it would bring them constipation relief, They used the stocks of toilet paper, Paint...

I got a quantum computer but, don't know what it does, Never heard of a quantum in books or in buzz, I've been doing just fine, Lear...

It's the day after Halloween, And, I am feeling so unclean, I ate so much candy, I split my spleen, The sugar high made me mean,  I yell...

I went to see witches to buy magic brew, Alas, they hit me on the head and threw me into their stew, It wasn't so bad, Between the potat...

I owed money on my phone, So, I had to get a payday loan, No money for meat, I begged for bone, Lost the car and slept on stone, All to send...