LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I went to see witches to buy magic brew, Alas, they hit me on the head and threw me into their stew, It wasn't so bad, Between the potat...

I owed money on my phone, So, I had to get a payday loan, No money for meat, I begged for bone, Lost the car and slept on stone, All to send...

I went looking for earthworms to fish in the sea, And, me finds an earthworm measuring in feet, thirty-three, So, I turns to run, But, that ...

A terrible ghost is haunting my house, It's the guy I had poisoned when he was my spouse, So gassy is he, Makes my eyes watery, And, he...

There was an old witch on Halloween, Her hair was black, here eyes were green, She used her broom, To sweep her room, Her home was excep...

I went hunting for caribou to put in my stew, But, where I lived no caribou grew, Now, there are some black bear, Some ducks, cougars ...

When the full moon is up and it's chillin', Then, the werewolves come a killin', From the deep darkest woods, They be after y...

I do not like the rain and snow,🌧❄ I do not like off road car blow,🌬🚙 I do not like I freeze, my woe,🙊 I do not like to pay for tow,🚜 N...

My bones are all in painy, Cause it rainy, rainy, rainy It puts hurt into my brainy, I'll probably go insainy, Overeat, then weight I...

Snow is coming, this I fear, My right eye pees a single tear, I have not stored enough ginger beer, Nor, have I scored my needs in deer, Met...

You never know when monsters are going to get you while you sleep, I taught my parrot to warn me by yelling "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!" ...

Beef is a prized and expensive thing, When a customer buys, the butcher angels sing, And, the cash register has a louder ring, Beef is so...

I am twice revenant yes, twice back from the dead, Back from a vast world where deep passions are fed, Where love ala-carte, Re-booted my...

Locked doors don't keep out vengeful ghosts, Or the deities that hate me most, But, their disdain I bear, I show that I do not scare, Su...

My goldfish is a nincompoop because poop is all he does, Except he'll swim to the top of his bowel to eat a piece of fuzz, I wish fo...

In Michigan it gives me scares, Here big foots ate up all the bears, Now will the big foots come for me, I'm really tender and I thin...

The October full moon gives Sam a shaking scare, Sam fears a monster or zombie, instead of just a mean bear, Sam can't go to sleep, When...

Sometimes I'm feeling so cold, And, up my legs is creeping green mold, I'm not living they said, Because I walk with the dead, Eatin...

Into the dirt or the fires in death we remorse, To the worms or the ashes, what is our recourse, Either a worm feces we become, Or, an ol...

Cream soda, moon pies, Nutritional? Summer snack, Lazy days and me.

Biff the snowman was kind of nuts they say, He’d bug people and wouldn’t go away, If he saw you were busy, He’d talk you into a big tizz...

I found some firewood, It was in a condition that was good, So, I loaded what I could, Ate lunch; an orange and pud, Then drove back to my o...

Deep, delicious radiant treat. My strawberry-rhubarb pie, Without its luster before my table seat, I would  crash and die, Strawbe...

Online bill paying has brought me great terror, For my screen keeps flashing a red "error," My bills are all due, At midnight I...

For dessert I made fish pudding pie, It was so bad that it made everyone die, Then, when we all met on the other side, My diners didn...

It was a spectacular meal, Especially good was the veal, The potatoes were so tender, My taste buds had to surrender, Extra cake, I ...

Snookey the Shark lives in Grand Traverse Bay, She eats every swimmer that swims in her way, But, every Fourth of July, She eats ev...

Mr. Wheeler was so banjo bad, His wrong notes just made sad sad, So, beat the drums, Drown those banjo hums, And, all humanity will be t...

Johnny got intestinal worms, They caused itching and gave Johnny the squirms, He drank hot sauce for medication, Destroyed the worm confeder...

I went to school for many years and did not see no gains, For all the teachers did to me was wrap my head up with tight chains, Then, my bos...

There was a man named Mr. Jeeter, He built a home made wood/coal heater, It was not well built, It had a bad tilt, The fire was a rapid ...

There was a dragon named Bill, He worked at the card shop by the mill, And, when his own funds got depleted, Bill often repeated, A five fin...

Garbage day, seagulls, Plastic bags, meat, fish,veggies, Gulls flock, rip, tear, mess. 10921

My dinner got up and ran away, I begged that chipmunk but, he wouldn't stay, So, it's off to the backyard, To catch some critter ...

I use tablets to clean my toilet tank, I dropped one into my aquarium and it sank, But, you know what was weird, When the aquarium wat...

There was a duck named Murky, He sounded like a turkey, It only stood to reason, During hunting season, He was shot for being quirky.

Beside the lake with the wild flowers, I laid down and dreamed for hours, Then along came the bees, They had no mood for a tease, I'...

My mind is in a complete whirl, I was attacked by a brain eating zombie squirrel, He jumped on my head, Soon I was dead, If I eat anythi...

There once was a ghost they called Boo. His eyes, hair and teeth were all blue, He bleached himself white, The bleach burned day and ni...

Bobby the wolf has one good eye, No one knows because he is sly, He stays leader of the pack, But, when the bears attack, He doesn't...

Watch out for frog monsters in Grand Traverse Bay, They’ll nibble your toes off if you get in their way, They prefer to eat perch, Roaste...

Today is my birthday and I'm 104,🎂🍸 I often take naps in the line at the store,🏬 I forget where my chair is and just fall on the floo...

Would you like some jalapenos with your evening meal? They taste good with everything, from escargot to veal, Now, consuming jalapeno pepper...

There were some stink bugs in my shoes, Now, my footsies are bad news, I got banned from the gym, I thought I'd clean off with a swim Bu...

Poor Jim, with his shampoo his roommate did a switchie, Now, Jim's head is most terrible itchy, Of course, Jim's roommate was so...

I came across zombies who were all eating bugs, I offered them brains but, I got no bites or head hugs, I think they were crazy, Or, just re...

There once was a ghost named Nancy, She liked to dress up really fancy, She liked to wear hats, All covered with bats, Which made any on...

I went down to the rover to wash off my beets, When I cook beets with butter, they're sought after treats, But, when I washed off the cl...

Twinkle, Twinkle I'm a star, After spending Thursday at the bar, But, I'm out on the range, How I got here is strange, And, I...

I never had to get my mail, My neighbor Doc, got it without fail, He didn't  give it to me, Doc considered my mail was free, I wonder wh...

Sammy's sandcastle was built too close to the sea, Along came a whitecap and it ceased to be, Sammy was ticked, Not for the location ...

I like to eat my pork, I like to eat my beans, I like eating two slices of bread, With tuna in betweens, I like to eat cupcake, I like my ta...

I went to the Hub to watch some performs, The RA walked in and I got kicked from the dorms, It was mid-winter and it was freezin' The wi...

I decided to go ice fishin', For dinner I was wishin', A crawdad cut my line, So, on my bait he could dine, For my dinner, I'll ...

There was a mouse named Larry, His tail was wide and hairy, He chased it around, And, guess what he found, He was really a squirrel name...

I fried my pancakes the best I canned, In bacon grease I watched them expand, I feed my guy lots of grease, Though, it clogs his ticker piec...

I've always been afraid of heights don't you see? So, I thought a pilots license was the right thing for me, And, I was at my very...

A murder occurred in my little frog pond, Where my goldfish met the great beyond, I think my goldfish received a poison, When he was f...

New car, white seats, floor, Hot coffee addiction, No! New car, customized.

Poor, little hyper-toad, If coffee you would not drink, Then, you would not be so jittery, And, your underarms might not stink, Poor li...