LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I went down to the rover to wash off my beets, When I cook beets with butter, they're sought after treats, But, when I washed off the cl...

Twinkle, Twinkle I'm a star, After spending Thursday at the bar, But, I'm out on the range, How I got here is strange, And, I...

I never had to get my mail, My neighbor Doc, got it without fail, He didn't  give it to me, Doc considered my mail was free, I wonder wh...

Sammy's sandcastle was built too close to the sea, Along came a whitecap and it ceased to be, Sammy was ticked, Not for the location ...

I like to eat my pork, I like to eat my beans, I like eating two slices of bread, With tuna in betweens, I like to eat cupcake, I like my ta...

I went to the Hub to watch some performs, The RA walked in and I got kicked from the dorms, It was mid-winter and it was freezin' The wi...

I decided to go ice fishin', For dinner I was wishin', A crawdad cut my line, So, on my bait he could dine, For my dinner, I'll ...

There was a mouse named Larry, His tail was wide and hairy, He chased it around, And, guess what he found, He was really a squirrel name...

I fried my pancakes the best I canned, In bacon grease I watched them expand, I feed my guy lots of grease, Though, it clogs his ticker piec...

I've always been afraid of heights don't you see? So, I thought a pilots license was the right thing for me, And, I was at my very...

A murder occurred in my little frog pond, Where my goldfish met the great beyond, I think my goldfish received a poison, When he was f...

New car, white seats, floor, Hot coffee addiction, No! New car, customized.

Poor, little hyper-toad, If coffee you would not drink, Then, you would not be so jittery, And, your underarms might not stink, Poor li...

I decided to raise the temperature quite a lot, Releasing fridge gas was the plot, In my shack the gas was squireled, Then, came the day my ...

Little Otto's father and mother bought Otto an apple tree, They told him it was a reward for Otto drinking all his tea, Otto said he...

I happened to drop my remote control, It sank to the bottom of my goldfish's bowl, My remote control died, My goldfish was fried, After ...

Fall is here to freeze my corn, I wish that fall was never born, My last rose has died away, I won't see  flowers until mid-May, I be al...

We can't avoid the twisting worm,  It lies down underneath,  In decay it brings to term,  The creature and the leaf,  The worms kingdom...

“Failure is not an option,” Bob would often spout, But, Bob knew not what he was really talking about, Bob’s future plans were bold, Then...

On my way to the guillotine, I found my one true love, She was the one who washed the necks of those condemned by gov, Although our roma...

In my kitchen sink I've grown so much mold, That I'd be rich if such stuff could be sold, A mold garden might be one of those nich...

All my children are stuffed full of corn, Each started to feed when each one was born, Now, they are each big, Cause, my species is pi...

I went to a restaurant with a party of four, We each ordered corned beef for our dinner core, I had side fries for my scales grief, Th...

I was fired from my night clerk job, When I was caught eating corn on the cob, Now, I have no funds for my cob habit,  So, I'm eat...

I came across a pile of scat all full of hairs, It was an enormous pile which gave me the scares, So, I backtracked thru the woods, As quiet...

I don't likes trees, bears, bugs or, snakes, If I see the aforementioned I slam on my brakes, I don't care if I skid, Flip over on m...

I decided to play with my old slinky, It was sharp and cut off my big pinky, In less than a blink, My pink went down the sink, For the next ...

I went to throw snowballs but, the grass had turned green, There were sticks and stones but, to throw them would be mean, Now the kid li...

I have an alien, reptilian brain, I just want to murder and eat, it's insane, Please, don't give me no hugs, Just pass me a plate of...

Summer heat, itch feet, Flowers, pain, sinus headaches, Hot, Dusty, Sweat, Rash.

I went to the store for a snack, But, I was really, terribly rushed, In the car door I slammed my sack, Now, my potato chips are most cer...

Jitterbug Jones was nervous they say, He had massive bills but, worked for low pay, He tried selling his blood, The payout wa...

Being smart or having looks that stun, Is for the dullards and the geeky, The greatest minds will gain their fun, From the joy of being s...

I went to Sand Hill to get my hair cut, Cheap price cause the barber was flagged as a nut, Now, one side he cut shorter, By an inch and a...

Percy is a limerick writer, He's an artist not a fighter, But, his lines do not rhyme, And, his meter's off time, His whole mind...

I went to Cheboygan to buy me some greens, I also bought carrots, kohlrabi and beans, But, I tell you no fake, I got a bad belly ache, S...

Dog, pond, stagnant, stinks, Dog, skunk, hunt, spray, whimper, run, Dog, country, bath, soap.

Dog, pet, Pooch, fair, ride, Up, down, pony, sick, barf, sick, Carousel, No Dogs!

There was a little chipmunk Bob, Stealing from squirrels was his job, He'd watch them all day, Then, when they hit the hay, All of t...

I went to the moon to feed a colony of moon squirrels, I brought them some peanuts and breath mints shaped like pearls, They thought it a wi...

George had a collection of cigarette signed butts, Only from the those deemed famous, infamous or nuts, He had mud wrestlers and drag...

I could not play my toot, toot, toot, My trumpet was broken but, not my flute, Hence, I sounded a peep, peep, peep, Which made the conduc...

Large dead tree falls down, Trailer crumples like tin can, Not insured. So sad.

Sam drove down the road to deliver a keg, When a rattlesnake crawled up his right leg, A bite made Sam's eyes fill up with tears, As ...

There once was a grill cook named Boris, The only meat he would grill came from Taurus, The steaks were so rare, We'd get kind of a scar...

Jerry lost all of his front teeth, While playing on his trumpet, Because each time Jerry tried to play, The tuba guy would bump it, Jer...

There was a pirates cove on Mortimer Bay, Two pirate ships anchored there one foggy day, Then, along came Captain Dodger, Who spied the J...

There was a bee eating frog named Bugsy, The bees thought that he was a thugsy, Bugsy stuck out his tongue, He got his tongue stung, Now...

Natalie had a really small nose, Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes, It was offensive, unclean, The tainted smell was ob...

I found a frog in my O.J. today, And, a worm in my cheese that sat on a tray, My sandwich had bugs, My soup was just full of slugs, ...

I was stuck driving a bus full of obnoxious teens, They had all filled up on cans of pork and baked beans, We hit a bump in the road and...

I walked along a shrubbery ledge, Then, from my chest erupted a juniper wedge, Being back stabbed by shrub wood, Did not feel very good, I h...

I was sitting contemplating with great gloom, The arrow of time pointed straight to my doom, Then, it hit me like a rock, If I had different...

Mary tried to play the French horn, It sounded like she was eating corn, She crunched and smacked, Then coughed and hacked, Her music ca...

I went to clean my kitchen rugs, They were full of beetle bugs, They were thrown out the door, I went down to the store, Bought new rugs...

Winter bed bugs are creeping, crawling, And, their itches are all enthralling,  Then, there are the tiny mites, Who, make you covered ...

Docs told me my innards and outsides are crawling with bugs, Because, I've been cavorting with strangers and giving them hugs, So, they ...

Down at the outhouse the lightning struck true, It vented the outhouse and disinfected it too, But, it had been occupied, And, the occ...

Hank was surprised that his old dingy would float, He had used it as a barn for his pygmy pet goat, But, when the Hankster jumped in, ...

I BOUGHT A PEAR Rob bought a pear with a real big bad spot, When he bit into it it was all full of rot, Rob ate the pear to the core, ...