LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Sam drove down the road to deliver a keg, When a rattlesnake crawled up his right leg, A bite made Sam's eyes fill up with tears, As ...

There once was a grill cook named Boris, The only meat he would grill came from Taurus, The steaks were so rare, We'd get kind of a scar...

Jerry lost all of his front teeth, While playing on his trumpet, Because each time Jerry tried to play, The tuba guy would bump it, Jer...

There was a pirates cove on Mortimer Bay, Two pirate ships anchored there one foggy day, Then, along came Captain Dodger, Who spied the J...

There was a bee eating frog named Bugsy, The bees thought that he was a thugsy, Bugsy stuck out his tongue, He got his tongue stung, Now...

Natalie had a really small nose, Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes, It was offensive, unclean, The tainted smell was ob...

I found a frog in my O.J. today, And, a worm in my cheese that sat on a tray, My sandwich had bugs, My soup was just full of slugs, ...

I was stuck driving a bus full of obnoxious teens, They had all filled up on cans of pork and baked beans, We hit a bump in the road and...

I walked along a shrubbery ledge, Then, from my chest erupted a juniper wedge, Being back stabbed by shrub wood, Did not feel very good, I h...

I was sitting contemplating with great gloom, The arrow of time pointed straight to my doom, Then, it hit me like a rock, If I had different...

Mary tried to play the French horn, It sounded like she was eating corn, She crunched and smacked, Then coughed and hacked, Her music ca...

I went to clean my kitchen rugs, They were full of beetle bugs, They were thrown out the door, I went down to the store, Bought new rugs...

Winter bed bugs are creeping, crawling, And, their itches are all enthralling,  Then, there are the tiny mites, Who, make you covered ...

Docs told me my innards and outsides are crawling with bugs, Because, I've been cavorting with strangers and giving them hugs, So, they ...

Down at the outhouse the lightning struck true, It vented the outhouse and disinfected it too, But, it had been occupied, And, the occ...

Hank was surprised that his old dingy would float, He had used it as a barn for his pygmy pet goat, But, when the Hankster jumped in, ...

I BOUGHT A PEAR Rob bought a pear with a real big bad spot, When he bit into it it was all full of rot, Rob ate the pear to the core, ...

I had a sea horsey named Frank, He swam around in my fish tank, I gave him some beer, Now Frank is not here, He drank the beer and then ...

There was quest to find a plug, To stop my little row boat from leaking, But, my plug was made of cork and floated away, For other holes ...

The Boys of Hummer was a male humming choir, They entertained when the need was dire, When a wedding or parade came along, They would hum us...

Harvey was a Leprechaun, He dressed in royal purple, not green, He thought that he was royalty, A distant cousin of the queen, Harvey c...

The little head lice cause me pain, They dig into my brain, Though loud I shout, They won't come out, Until they've driven me in...

I thought I found a pint of old gin, So, I emptied the contents of sin, My skin turned real gray, Then, I passed away, For, it was m...

On Friday the 13th we went skinny dipping at Lake Meade, "Our folks should never know", is what we all agreed, But, along  comes t...

I studied quantum mechanics and it made me insane, Because, I do not have a very big brain, Now, I sit in the backyard all day, Watching red...

The leftover mayonnaise do not take, Bob did and got a belly ache, To avoid a dire fate, Read the expiration date, Or, like Bob you'll ...

I had a tent worm on my knee, I lifted him gently and set him free, I thought a friend I made in he, Instead he ate my apple tree, Tent...

The wind has blown away the leaves and trash, That hid from all my mushroom stash, The seeds have now dropped, So, I'll pick the m...

I was the only maker of six-legged pants, So, I owned the valley of the ants,  To avoid a wardrobe disaster, The ants made me their ...

My spelleng is note berry gud, I spel bad cause I ama crud, But, in won spelleng be, I spelled "Meticulously," Celebrating, I got ...

I knew a leprechaun named Sarah, She lived in the attic of her aunt Clara, Oatmeal cookies she sold, Made a big pot of gold, So, she bou...

POEM RECIPE FOR FRIED GREEN TOMATOES I make fried green tomatoes, Sometimes with friend potatoes, I slice them thick or thin, Different ...

The rainstorm made my roof leak and, it leaked a lot, The rain filled up every plastic bowl I had and, every cooking pot, So, the rain then ...

No one would party with Marty, Because his basement always smelled farty, So, Marty spiffed up the air,  Put on clean underwear, Still, all ...

I lost all of my strawberry preserves, In the car crash where I missed the swerves, On the last swerve to make, I didn't see the l...

In order to feel thinner I bought larger blue jeans, I went out to dance at all the popular scenes, But, when I danced around, My jeans s...

My scrambled eggs ain't pretty, They are mostly grits and gritty, When you barf, you'll have my pity, Then, you'll complain on F...

I was manning a fair booth way, way late at night, I was all alone, there were no peoples in sight, BAM!!! a great lightning strike, And, th...

They were spooning, making out, first basing, Out in public and, it was disgracing, It was my mum and dad, And, they were making me mad, The...

I am a titleist and my writing just stinks, But, I write really great titles so, I'm added to links, Then, when my writings are read, No...

I went to the Fair to work in a booth, Got attacked by a mare that kicked out my tooth, Then, a sow ate my toes, A goat bit off my nose, I s...

I got a new body to hold my gigantic brain, It doesn't have heart failure or arthritis pain, But, it was the body of a pig, And, m...

I went to Canada and bought a Bigfoot, I brought it home for my mom and my dad, I thought it would keep them company, But, they said I ha...

Hot summer full moon, Stars, Mars, smores, marshmellow bars, Sleeping bags, bugs, bites.

The flies come hatching out, Then,  through my window screen redoubt, I swing flyswatter with flair, But, it needs much repair, My...

C'est la vie, I missed my tea, Flunked spelling Bee, In pants, I pee, Did all by two in the morning, C'est la vie, Lost only house k...

I went to Mancelona to visit their great queen, She was not pleased cause I was ragged and unclean, She said "take him away, Douse him ...

I got caught in the tar pits and, downward I flow, To be dug up in the future by blokes I don't know, They'll put me on museum displ...

I got a F on my term paper, because I plagiarized, I copied from a book so, I'm not surprised, I did not use quotes, Let alone those ...

There once was a sailor named Sam, His teeth were carved from the shell of a clam, During cold, clammy weather, Sam's teeth stuck tog...

My blueberry muffins were not quite done, After my friends ate them they all had to run, Then, I baked a cake, Which no one would take, ...

I found a goat and took him straight to the fare, I didn't realize he belonged to a backwoods bear, Well, the bear came along, He ...

If you fight with two or more gorillas, They'll each have 500 pounds over chinchillas, Their bods are hard as a rock, And, they...

I could not play my toot, toot, toot, My trumpet was broken but, not my flute, Hence, I sounded a peep, peep, peep, Which made the conduc...

A bear was out looking at my chicken koop wherein, lie my eggs, I went to confront him and he stood up on his hind legs, I said "yo...

My goldfish were too big for their bowl, I didn't have one larger to fulfill the bowl role, So, I took my goldfish to the lake, Wh...

I walked through the office under the shadow of bad breath, I turned away my coworkers:  Jim, Tom, Tim, Jane and Beth, But, I did not ge...

I fear that the tent worms are coming after me,😧 For I killed all the tent worms in my apple tree,🍎 They're drilling through my ea...

To get cable Ned needed a black box, To hook it up Ned had to alcohol detox, It was so complicated, Just hooking up PG rated, Ned cursed...

Adam lived in little tiny trailer, His poplar tree had a structural failure, It is too bad that Adam drank like a souse, He was canned in...