LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I got a new body to hold my gigantic brain, It doesn't have heart failure or arthritis pain, But, it was the body of a pig, And, m...

I went to Canada and bought a Bigfoot, I brought it home for my mom and my dad, I thought it would keep them company, But, they said I ha...

Hot summer full moon, Stars, Mars, smores, marshmellow bars, Sleeping bags, bugs, bites.

The flies come hatching out, Then,  through my window screen redoubt, I swing flyswatter with flair, But, it needs much repair, My...

C'est la vie, I missed my tea, Flunked spelling Bee, In pants, I pee, Did all by two in the morning, C'est la vie, Lost only house k...

I went to Mancelona to visit their great queen, She was not pleased cause I was ragged and unclean, She said "take him away, Douse him ...

I got caught in the tar pits and, downward I flow, To be dug up in the future by blokes I don't know, They'll put me on museum displ...

I got a F on my term paper, because I plagiarized, I copied from a book so, I'm not surprised, I did not use quotes, Let alone those ...

There once was a sailor named Sam, His teeth were carved from the shell of a clam, During cold, clammy weather, Sam's teeth stuck tog...

My blueberry muffins were not quite done, After my friends ate them they all had to run, Then, I baked a cake, Which no one would take, ...

I found a goat and took him straight to the fare, I didn't realize he belonged to a backwoods bear, Well, the bear came along, He ...

If you fight with two or more gorillas, They'll each have 500 pounds over chinchillas, Their bods are hard as a rock, And, they...

I could not play my toot, toot, toot, My trumpet was broken but, not my flute, Hence, I sounded a peep, peep, peep, Which made the conduc...

A bear was out looking at my chicken koop wherein, lie my eggs, I went to confront him and he stood up on his hind legs, I said "yo...

My goldfish were too big for their bowl, I didn't have one larger to fulfill the bowl role, So, I took my goldfish to the lake, Wh...

I walked through the office under the shadow of bad breath, I turned away my coworkers:  Jim, Tom, Tim, Jane and Beth, But, I did not ge...

I fear that the tent worms are coming after me,😧 For I killed all the tent worms in my apple tree,🍎 They're drilling through my ea...

To get cable Ned needed a black box, To hook it up Ned had to alcohol detox, It was so complicated, Just hooking up PG rated, Ned cursed...

Adam lived in little tiny trailer, His poplar tree had a structural failure, It is too bad that Adam drank like a souse, He was canned in...

I have an unusual dog,  I named her the Polliwog, She done swum in the ditch, Got a real awful itch, So, I mud-packed her in a frog bog.   P...

My friend looks like a big bear and thinks like a dumb squirrel, He forgets where he puts things like, the thing that makes his hair curl, H...

Lemons, sour tea, Sour Milk, Sour Coffee, Whiskey sour, tears.

Kyler and Roxy were happy soul mates, They found it out at work, on dates, A decaying love is a loss, Covered quickly with green moss, Red h...

I wondered where my parlor was, So, I searched my house with a double look, But, I never found where the parlor was, Although, I did find...

When Donny was a little orange, he dreamed of a future day, When Donny would be president and, have scary things to say, He would threaten p...

My pillow ended up way down on the floor, I didn't hear it fall because I loud snore, Now, My pillow is all full of bugs, From my seldom...

Snapping turtle twenty feet wide, In Skegemog Lake where you reside, Are giant muskies the food you take, Or, do you feed on the rattlesnake...

Brad ate a hot dog but the relish was spoiled, His stomach couldn't take it and so it recoiled, He had to repeat and repeat, Until hi...

My hand got caught in my cookie jar, I got it out but, it has a big scar, My cookies are now cruddy, All covered in my bloody, And, my compa...

The shark knew he couldn't get Ed while Ed was on his boat, So, the shark ripped a new hole in the bottom of Ed's float, As Ed...

Joe the sunfish liked to eat lady bugs, He liked eating worms and not so much slugs, He liked his girlfriend best, So, they built a big n...

Jerry docked his boat up to the quay, He wanted to unload it so to get on his way, Alas, to Jerry’s great dislike, There was a loading do...

At a picnic on the Fourth Of July, A tiger ate all of my apple pie, I told him that in my heart there's no room, For anyone who would...

I burned my hands doing sparklers then, I started crying, I next played with fireworks and my fingers went flying, And, my roasted hot d...

I had a pet doggy named Fred, He became vicious when he wasn't fed, But, when I fed him Swiss chard, He bit me real hard, So hard I bled...

Macy is a white tailed deer, She crosses traffic when it's clear, She will wait for days, She will look both ways, That's why Ma...

Sid the Mantis was an eater of bugs, He trounced on them and gave them no hugs, In Sid's worldly view, Bugs were just too few, They ...

Though my family protested that I was insane, I obtained a licence to fly an airplane, Well, I let autopilot be my guide, So, I could sleep ...

We went to the parade to celebrate Pride, But, on the way there my Ford Focus, it died, Good news, through the kindness of a stranger, We ro...

Barry's band marched in a parade down the main street, But, no one could tell their right from left feet, They couldn't march ...

I got caught in a really nasty, bending time loop, I was stuck in the past when pop was hula hoop, While, the stuff on TV,  Made me just wan...

There once was a boater named Frank, He kept running up on the bank, He once missed the dock, Slammed into a rock, Of course then, his ...

I ran for public office and got run out of town, I thought I was serious, they called me a clown, I tweeted, "no money for roads,...

Young, old, difference, Young, flagellation, funny Old, farts, annoying.

I thought I'd give my friend some teaches, As we walked along the beaches, We found fossil stones, Some carp fish bones, Alas, between o...

My piney, smelly cones, They're the seed dispensers bones, I pile them high, And make the squirrels a pie, Then, they eat the pi...

In the canal there was nothing but boats, All of them yellow like squeaky duck floats, But, on the day of the storm, The boats had a s...

Ode to the flavor called cheddar cheese, For it is the flavor that aims to please, Whether it's on top of french fries, Or, hot apple...

I went to a party to celebrate Pride, My puppy Quinton insisted, he stay by my side, He perceives relationship dangers, When I mingle with s...

We went on a picnic to celebrate Pride, You had diety foods and I had mine deep fat fried, And, that diet special latte you drink, Smells li...

My ingrown toe-nail I can't lie, Made my bug eyes cry and cry, It was such pain, I became insane, I sliced off my toe nail with a wood ...

My puppy would only eat snacks, Like cheese on tasty bacon cracks, And, ice cream in a cup Was his favorite sup, He loved popcorn in big but...

My pup moved his bowl from the mudroom to the fridge, Then, he sat there next to it looking over the bowl ridge, He ached in his soul, For f...

A zombie came and ate my lunch, It was two root beers and Captain Crunch, I asked why he didn’t eat me, He said I was too smelly, So, I ...

Wood-stove, top, hot iron, Plastic cup, wood-stove top, melt, Fire, smoke, fumes, sick..

I served some oysters that were tainted, Result, my toilets my kinfolk painted, Then, as my home filled with vapors, I had to go buy toilet ...

My drip coffee maker drips no more, It's a holiday so, I can't get to a store, And, without my coffee buzzy, The world is look...

My dried blueberries were all full of mold, I kept them in the crawlspace which is a bad place I'm told So, I ordered more, To be brough...

With a knife I cut a bug in two, Then from each half a new half grew, Each bug gave me a bite, The pain inspired an insight, "Squas...

Texting and driving I just overdo, That's why I crashed into the  bear cage at the Big City Zoo, Then, all the bears left their cage, ...