LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Macy is a white tailed deer, She crosses traffic when it's clear, She will wait for days, She will look both ways, That's why Ma...

Sid the Mantis was an eater of bugs, He trounced on them and gave them no hugs, In Sid's worldly view, Bugs were just too few, They ...

Though my family protested that I was insane, I obtained a licence to fly an airplane, Well, I let autopilot be my guide, So, I could sleep ...

We went to the parade to celebrate Pride, But, on the way there my Ford Focus, it died, Good news, through the kindness of a stranger, We ro...

Barry's band marched in a parade down the main street, But, no one could tell their right from left feet, They couldn't march ...

I got caught in a really nasty, bending time loop, I was stuck in the past when pop was hula hoop, While, the stuff on TV,  Made me just wan...

There once was a boater named Frank, He kept running up on the bank, He once missed the dock, Slammed into a rock, Of course then, his ...

I ran for public office and got run out of town, I thought I was serious, they called me a clown, I tweeted, "no money for roads,...

Young, old, difference, Young, flagellation, funny Old, farts, annoying.

I thought I'd give my friend some teaches, As we walked along the beaches, We found fossil stones, Some carp fish bones, Alas, between o...

My piney, smelly cones, They're the seed dispensers bones, I pile them high, And make the squirrels a pie, Then, they eat the pi...

In the canal there was nothing but boats, All of them yellow like squeaky duck floats, But, on the day of the storm, The boats had a s...

Ode to the flavor called cheddar cheese, For it is the flavor that aims to please, Whether it's on top of french fries, Or, hot apple...

I went to a party to celebrate Pride, My puppy Quinton insisted, he stay by my side, He perceives relationship dangers, When I mingle with s...

We went on a picnic to celebrate Pride, You had diety foods and I had mine deep fat fried, And, that diet special latte you drink, Smells li...

My ingrown toe-nail I can't lie, Made my bug eyes cry and cry, It was such pain, I became insane, I sliced off my toe nail with a wood ...

My puppy would only eat snacks, Like cheese on tasty bacon cracks, And, ice cream in a cup Was his favorite sup, He loved popcorn in big but...

My pup moved his bowl from the mudroom to the fridge, Then, he sat there next to it looking over the bowl ridge, He ached in his soul, For f...

A zombie came and ate my lunch, It was two root beers and Captain Crunch, I asked why he didn’t eat me, He said I was too smelly, So, I ...

Wood-stove, top, hot iron, Plastic cup, wood-stove top, melt, Fire, smoke, fumes, sick..

I served some oysters that were tainted, Result, my toilets my kinfolk painted, Then, as my home filled with vapors, I had to go buy toilet ...

My drip coffee maker drips no more, It's a holiday so, I can't get to a store, And, without my coffee buzzy, The world is look...

My dried blueberries were all full of mold, I kept them in the crawlspace which is a bad place I'm told So, I ordered more, To be brough...

With a knife I cut a bug in two, Then from each half a new half grew, Each bug gave me a bite, The pain inspired an insight, "Squas...

Texting and driving I just overdo, That's why I crashed into the  bear cage at the Big City Zoo, Then, all the bears left their cage, ...

Someone ate my gingerbread, That I had saved for riding sled, Now, out through the snow, I must hungry go, Without being gingerbread fed...

I live in a village where witches are banned, So, Sunday burnings of found witches is planned, The witches curse us and wiggle, As we towns ...

Please, zombies leave my brains alone, It took years of schoolwork to get them grown, There are not that many there, That I have any brai...

My neighbor's mathematics uses just fingers and toes, So, head sums brought me a witchcraft sentence of woes, My neighbors burned me at ...

Practical Peter, the over eater, over ate so, that one day he wouldn't starve, Practical Peter, with a girth of three meter, ate just me...

I fall for one type and, they are called villain, They cheat on me and tell me to be chillin', And, what is worse more, When I try to ev...

Two monkeys broke into my bathroom and they both used my toothbrush, One monkey drank my mouthwash because that monkey was a lush, The o...

I had a quiet little dog that I called Hoagie, He helped me cheat at golf so I’d get a bogey, With stealth he moved the ball, Before the ...

The trumpets were blasting in the middle of the game, The woodwinds were flat and the drum section was lame, Yet, out on the field, Ev...

In June there was a first quarter moon, My cell new phone went dead way too soon, I would not say it was bad luck, But, I got hit by a tr...

Phil the farmer really likes his lunch, He eats ham and, cheese and, cherry punch, His teeth have gone bad, And, he lost them, so sad, H...

My computer had a really bad day, My spilled coffee made my Windows go away, My computer made a scene, By giving me a blank screen,...

Dancing Don was the great polka dance king, He danced the polka at every wing ding, But, one day he fell, And, gave out a yell, Now, his...

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor, It scattered pieces from the TV to the door, The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase, Bu...

Way out among the distant stars, I've heard they eat nothing but, ice cream bars, If I could get some dough, To those stars, I wou...

I tested my dogs DNA and found out he is a cat, I tested my kitties DNA and found out she is a bat So then, I tested my own, I found o...

Igor hated the first day of June, That's the day his marriage went out of tune, But, by the first of July, Igor celebrated on high, ...

The couple spent all their time watching the HUB, Eating pork rinds and becoming real tub, To live through just what you sees, Is one easy p...

The traffic is bad on the road, I swerved to avoid crushing a toad, I then side swiped a truck, Veered i to a ditch full of muck, Then, my p...

A bat was nesting beneath boards on my porch, He came out when down went the daylight torch, He’d eat bugs all the night, Then at first li...

I had a bug upon my toe, He bit it firm and caused me woe, I had often been bitten by the mosquito fly, It made me itch until I thought I...

Plane not fly, weather, Coffee, wait, pop, wait, coffee, Bathroom break, missed plane.

My old pickup truck, it runs like flirtin', It takes you so far but, that's not for certain, It has starts and stops, It booms,...

To get attention while away at dorm, Play tetherball during a lightning storm, It's brave to risk your bod, Playing round a lightening r...

Summer Holiday, Gas Grill, Burgers, Hot Dogs, Buns, Egg Salad, Gut Aches   

Always follow your leader if they might have something to eat, Especially, if your leader might have candy bars, chips or meat, Or, Even if ...

My rubber gloves didn't keep the promise of a seal, After cleaning toilets with chemicals my skin started to peel, So, to the doctor I...

I thought I'd try my hand at tennis, But, after many fly balls I was labeled a menace, I was ordered off the court, To attempt a  new...

The Sunday paper read is sad, All my local teams have endings, bad, But, they will survive, And, next season thrive, When this season's ...

My plumpest turkey was named Steve, He earned himself a Thanksgiving reprieve, Not too much to brag, But, he saluted the flag, O...

The devil came to see me and said he was happy at how easily I lied, He was also proud of my gluttony which made my profile big and wide, ...

I went out for breakfast for fried eggs, toast and bacon, But, when I got to the diner all the seats had been taken, It seems every brea...

I found a fish up on the shore, Maybe he once flopped but, he did not flop anymore, So, I fried him in a vat, Greased him up with baco...

Wind, Siding,house stripped, Shredded plastic,neighbor’s yards,  Mess, insurance? HA!

When you have been out in the world and, been covered with snot, Then, all that you want is a place to sit down and rot, So, you move out to...