LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

The traffic is bad on the road, I swerved to avoid crushing a toad, I then side swiped a truck, Veered i to a ditch full of muck, Then, my p...

A bat was nesting beneath boards on my porch, He came out when down went the daylight torch, He’d eat bugs all the night, Then at first li...

I had a bug upon my toe, He bit it firm and caused me woe, I had often been bitten by the mosquito fly, It made me itch until I thought I...

Plane not fly, weather, Coffee, wait, pop, wait, coffee, Bathroom break, missed plane.

My old pickup truck, it runs like flirtin', It takes you so far but, that's not for certain, It has starts and stops, It booms,...

To get attention while away at dorm, Play tetherball during a lightning storm, It's brave to risk your bod, Playing round a lightening r...

Summer Holiday, Gas Grill, Burgers, Hot Dogs, Buns, Egg Salad, Gut Aches   

Always follow your leader if they might have something to eat, Especially, if your leader might have candy bars, chips or meat, Or, Even if ...

My rubber gloves didn't keep the promise of a seal, After cleaning toilets with chemicals my skin started to peel, So, to the doctor I...

I thought I'd try my hand at tennis, But, after many fly balls I was labeled a menace, I was ordered off the court, To attempt a  new...

The Sunday paper read is sad, All my local teams have endings, bad, But, they will survive, And, next season thrive, When this season's ...

My plumpest turkey was named Steve, He earned himself a Thanksgiving reprieve, Not too much to brag, But, he saluted the flag, O...

The devil came to see me and said he was happy at how easily I lied, He was also proud of my gluttony which made my profile big and wide, ...

I went out for breakfast for fried eggs, toast and bacon, But, when I got to the diner all the seats had been taken, It seems every brea...

I found a fish up on the shore, Maybe he once flopped but, he did not flop anymore, So, I fried him in a vat, Greased him up with baco...

Wind, Siding,house stripped, Shredded plastic,neighbor’s yards,  Mess, insurance? HA!

When you have been out in the world and, been covered with snot, Then, all that you want is a place to sit down and rot, So, you move out to...

Two dragons walked into a bar, They breathed fire and smelled like hot tar, The smell was not appealing, Then, they stuck their heads ...

I went to polish my best table's top, It was stained with coffee and red soda pop, I wish someone would teach, You don't polish w...

Mitchell and his cousin owned a lot of land, So, they opened up a big box cup cake stand, Mitchell sold only a few dozen, But, between hi...

A penny for your thoughts but, a dollar if you don't share,✋ I have my own problems and, they're too much to bear,🐻 My toaster don...

I owned a cow named Moses, Instead of hooves she had big toeses, I could not keep them clean, She got really mean, So, I picked her a bu...

I cannot begin to figure the cost, For my tomato garden was destroyed by frost, Some say they tire of my rants, That I should have cov...

Can I borrow your toothbrush because, I left mine home, I'm afraid I'll need to use it while, I'm visiting your dome, Don't ...

I horde and store gas in plastic sandwich bags, It's safe cause I wrap the bags in paper towels and old rags, When I have spent my last ...

Sometimes my sauces I disturbs, By adding just a pinchy of herbs, I simmer my sauces well, Till they're all bubbly and swell, And, my fa...

Mr. Robin had a broken wing, But, he'd still tell jokes and act and sing, He did his best,  For us chicks in the nest, He'll be ...

Housing prices are incredibly high, So, I sold mine to give leisure a try, But, after the mortgage and closing cost, Instead of a profit, I ...

My website is visited by trolls, I fear they have nefarious goals, When a sentence I complete, If they don't like it they'll dele...

I went to the devil to make me this deal, I loved one that back for me, had nadda feel, The devil told me my prime, Was lost too long in tim...

I am so lucky to have my ma and pa, They raised me on coffee and tobacco chaw, Although, my teeth were all black, And, my chaw spit caught m...

On my heart my tummy tugs, I was so hungry, I ate bugs, But, a tummy that begs, Shouldn't eat bugs with long legs, I got hospitalized an...

All my flowers just died in their rows, Every time I'm done planting it freezes and snows, Of course, the freezing will be done, By the ...

Nobody told me electricity can arc, Or, that a dog will bite before giving a bark, Nobody told me I could drown in deep water, Or, boil my b...

My porch had a peach tree growing up through the boards, I couldn't cut it down with my machete swords, For the peaches were sweet, ...

Jim went trick-or-treating,  On the 9th of May, He didn't get any candy, But, he got a 90 day jail stay, It was not very funny, Wh...

They put phlegm in my coffee so, I could not stay, If you spit in my coffee, I go away, The waiter was a jerk, And, I was so late for work, ...

My guppy named Jerry I found on the floor, He had been there for a day or, two maybe more, I scraped up his dried remains, And, it gave m...

Live this life the best you can for it's all you're going to get, And, all the reverends who tell you different,  Are just perverts ...

The peanut was stuck in my black hole cavity, By antimatter, antioxidants and antigravity,   And, in the space-time of my brain, I fel...

I found a bear caught beneath a fallen tree, I got behind him and pushed the big bear free, I thought I made a new friend, But, where did...

Riley hid his rainbow just off his reading room, Dreading dear dad discover thus, demanding Riley's doom, Cased within calm closets care...

They slashed my tires and cut the lines to my brakes, They blew up my mailbox and in my pumpkins, drove stakes, In my neighborhood, Most are...

I gave a bath to my hamster one fine day, Next day, he got revenge in his own way, When I gave my fella a little hand stroke, His sharp t...

My woodstove has gone kaput, It’s rusted out and backed up with soot, There was so much smoke in the house, All the carpeting is deloused...

I went and planted a strawberry jar, Full of strawberry plants, But, when the strawberries were sweet plump and ripe, I found the strawbe...

I wish I was a cowboy then, I'd ride on into town, I'd get myself some bacon, and some flour and, ground round, I'd sit out ...

There was an old man who did not like to shave, He did not shower either so, he moved into a cave, But, when his campfire started to smo...

I wear a Covid mask everywhere I go, Whether going to the mailbox or, driving very slow, I wave to all but, do not linger, Their return wave...

My tomato is not very sweet, It tastes like olive in the meat, But, hamburger will help, Then, no partaker will yelp, And, I'll ...

I forded the river but fell in the stream, As I washed away I let out a scream, My scream did not bring me luck, I scraped through rocks,...

I work at a warehouse loading up trucks, Today in from Peking, I loaded cans filled with cooked ducks, But, in the cans I was stacking The d...

Jimmy always made money by losing at pool, I once observed his profession from a nearby bar stool, While an opponent leaned forward to sh...

My hamburger smelled a little funny today, It smelled like a toilet with a whiff of bug spray, I'm not a real fussy lad, So, I ate what ...

I put up an outhouse but, did not dig a deep hole, Soon the smells it produced perfumed through the soul, But, I was celebrated by kin, ...

I went to London to cook for the queen, She liked my firm grits and my crawdads were clean, And, she said my rock bass, Added a real touc...

I planted pancakes to see if they'd grow, But, soon after planting it started to snow, Then, I cringed up my toes, For I know that it fr...

When the springy spring flowers flower, Then we get a big snow shower, The frosty frost shows off it's power, And, little petals fade an...

There was a creature called the leprecorn, It was the strangest creature ever born, A unicorn body it had, With Leprechaun head mean and ...

When trees start growing between your toes, And, itchy bushes hang out of your nose, And, your skin is so dry, Like crust on a pie, A bu...