LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Live this life the best you can for it's all you're going to get, And, all the reverends who tell you different,  Are just perverts ...

The peanut was stuck in my black hole cavity, By antimatter, antioxidants and antigravity,   And, in the space-time of my brain, I fel...

I found a bear caught beneath a fallen tree, I got behind him and pushed the big bear free, I thought I made a new friend, But, where did...

Riley hid his rainbow just off his reading room, Dreading dear dad discover thus, demanding Riley's doom, Cased within calm closets care...

They slashed my tires and cut the lines to my brakes, They blew up my mailbox and in my pumpkins, drove stakes, In my neighborhood, Most are...

I gave a bath to my hamster one fine day, Next day, he got revenge in his own way, When I gave my fella a little hand stroke, His sharp t...

My woodstove has gone kaput, It’s rusted out and backed up with soot, There was so much smoke in the house, All the carpeting is deloused...

I went and planted a strawberry jar, Full of strawberry plants, But, when the strawberries were sweet plump and ripe, I found the strawbe...

I wish I was a cowboy then, I'd ride on into town, I'd get myself some bacon, and some flour and, ground round, I'd sit out ...

There was an old man who did not like to shave, He did not shower either so, he moved into a cave, But, when his campfire started to smo...

I wear a Covid mask everywhere I go, Whether going to the mailbox or, driving very slow, I wave to all but, do not linger, Their return wave...

My tomato is not very sweet, It tastes like olive in the meat, But, hamburger will help, Then, no partaker will yelp, And, I'll ...

I forded the river but fell in the stream, As I washed away I let out a scream, My scream did not bring me luck, I scraped through rocks,...

I work at a warehouse loading up trucks, Today in from Peking, I loaded cans filled with cooked ducks, But, in the cans I was stacking The d...

Jimmy always made money by losing at pool, I once observed his profession from a nearby bar stool, While an opponent leaned forward to sh...

My hamburger smelled a little funny today, It smelled like a toilet with a whiff of bug spray, I'm not a real fussy lad, So, I ate what ...

I put up an outhouse but, did not dig a deep hole, Soon the smells it produced perfumed through the soul, But, I was celebrated by kin, ...

I went to London to cook for the queen, She liked my firm grits and my crawdads were clean, And, she said my rock bass, Added a real touc...

I planted pancakes to see if they'd grow, But, soon after planting it started to snow, Then, I cringed up my toes, For I know that it fr...

When the springy spring flowers flower, Then we get a big snow shower, The frosty frost shows off it's power, And, little petals fade an...

There was a creature called the leprecorn, It was the strangest creature ever born, A unicorn body it had, With Leprechaun head mean and ...

When trees start growing between your toes, And, itchy bushes hang out of your nose, And, your skin is so dry, Like crust on a pie, A bu...

I placed my false teeth in a large mason jar, To avoid damage during my fight at the bar, But, bad luck comes as it must, My jarred te...

Dill pickles give Jerry a nasty gas, It takes so long for it to pass, It takes more than one day, That’s too long most say, From the mou...

In the rain and churning sleet, I walked and walked until I was beat, Then, a miracle on 94th Street, A little diner where I could eat, It w...

A fish named Harry grew too big for his pond, So, he made a wish to a witch with a wand, To make the pond grow, Then, Harry could swim...

Many say that I make up fake news, But, it's just an alternative universe I choose, It's not better or worse, It's called ...

All the people are oh so pensive, Because toilet paper is so expensive, The financial frustration, Has caused herd constipation, With flagel...

Marty ate a little lamb, It's fleece was white like snow, But, when you fry lamb in the pan, Hopefully, the fleece color you won...

If you want people to hear you sing, Then, you sing only lyrics that are right of wing, You'll be a famous star, Invited to parlor par, ...

Every evening after I sup, I go online and make stuff up, It's my beer induced views, Millions call it the news, Others say, I'm a c...

I went into the parlor but, no one was there, I said what I could but, no one was aware, I felt desperately beat, Like a bird who couldn...

As I sit perched in my tin, wheeled villa, Looking down from atop my hilla, Onto a highway all curvy derby Along comes prancing a deer named...

Although they all say it don't matter, You can tell when ladies meet and they chatter, It's high priced diamonds they demand, ...

I see you've turned 32, And, your old soul's feeling blue, Every workday you rue, No energy to do, But, you still got some teeth so,...

There was a goldfish name of Bucky, At the casino he was nothing but, lucky, Every pull came up cherries, No bananas of berries, He swam...

My job ended on the fourth of May, I didn't have the rent money and they wouldn't let me stay, So, I've sold all my pots an...

No big fish in the lake so, I'm not fishing, Too much algae so, no fish fry dishing, Now, in my free time I mow lawn, Fertilize it at br...

In April I went looking for the bugs of June, I know it's early but, the weather's opportune, With this strange global warm, New sea...

When I go to see my banker, He is snoty never mean, That's because my banker owns, A delux snot machine, He tells me that my accoun...

I dreamt I was a gladiator back in ancient Rome, My chest was exposed, as was my lack of muscle tone, Of course, I noticed that my sword, Wa...

When you enter there you have to stoop,🐫 Of course, it is a chicken koop,🐤🐤🐤🐤 No chickens even 5'4",🐥🐥🐥🐥 So, it is a much ...

I've prepared for the end of the world, My surrender flags I have unfurled, I have quantities of stash, Of root beer and corn hash...

I came upon a tiger lying near the village woods, I asked him if he knew someone in the nearby hoods, He said I should not feel a scare,...

I went to Gravy Jones's Locker for lunch, There the gravys' so crusty it has a nice crunch, And, when added to a roast beef, G...

New moon, June, baboon, Summer guest, brother-in-law, Slob, eats well, don't flush. 

I bought 21 apples to bake in my healthy apple pie, I wanted ones with worms for the family's meat supply, I'll use a dab of cinnamo...

A werewolf ate my peanut butter; he licked it all out of my jar, Then, he asked me for my jelly and I told him be had gone too far, My littl...

The sweater I ordered from Santa was too tight:  it caused me pain! Well, I called the Santa helpline so, I could complain, But, they wer...

 I flip pancakes for some money, I top the cakes with eggs all runny, And, later in the day, I flip burgers for some pay, Then, I head hom...

Out on the island of Mackinaw, The strangest beast appeared, Some say it was a two legged fish, All Mackinawians saw it as weird, It ca...

An octopus swam like he could fly, Through the water he swam like it was sky, The octopus I named Herbie, And, ran him in the Fish...

Henry was quite the feaster, He looked forward to dinner on Easter, Instead of turkey or ham, He'd rather eat Spam, Spam was his fav...

My house was so dirty I hired a maid, The first thing she did, she bug sprayed and bug sprayed, She killed all the bugs, In my linens ...

Winter stars, cold, bright, Aloof, heavens lamps, Angels, Watching ants freeze.

I went out digging truffles underneath a big pine tree, I don't know what a truffle is so I picked what I could see, I found a bug...

I came upon a big bear face to face, I got scared and sprayed him with some bear mace, Then, the bear got mad, And, I got sad, Cause, he sca...

I went to the dentist but, he wouldn't let me in, He said I was too poor and that was a sin, I said I had a toothache, He replied "...

In far North Michigan we know there is no hope, With long winters we depend on beer and poker to cope, So don't try to cheer us with son...

There were spiders climbing up the stair, Spider bites, spider bites, Spiders under the silverware, Spider bites, spider bites, Spiders in m...