LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Henry was quite the feaster, He looked forward to dinner on Easter, Instead of turkey or ham, He'd rather eat Spam, Spam was his fav...

My house was so dirty I hired a maid, The first thing she did, she bug sprayed and bug sprayed, She killed all the bugs, In my linens ...

Winter stars, cold, bright, Aloof, heavens lamps, Angels, Watching ants freeze.

I went out digging truffles underneath a big pine tree, I don't know what a truffle is so I picked what I could see, I found a bug...

I came upon a big bear face to face, I got scared and sprayed him with some bear mace, Then, the bear got mad, And, I got sad, Cause, he sca...

I went to the dentist but, he wouldn't let me in, He said I was too poor and that was a sin, I said I had a toothache, He replied "...

In far North Michigan we know there is no hope, With long winters we depend on beer and poker to cope, So don't try to cheer us with son...

There were spiders climbing up the stair, Spider bites, spider bites, Spiders under the silverware, Spider bites, spider bites, Spiders in m...

When I'm having a bad day and feeling unhap, I do the same as what did my old pap, I binge eat till I'm sick, Till I'll burst wi...

I was sleeping in my recliner chair,💺 When I got visited by the bear,🐻 He brewed some tea, ☕ Enough for me,🤓 I offered cookies but, for t...

Donny curled up with a book, He couldn't read but at the pictures he'd look, Now, old Donny is retired, Most say he was fired, Donny...

While taunts and giggles come from their foes, Some have terrors of the nose, As boogers fall out and stain their cloths, The finger rises i...

Although early red skies forecast a warning, The sun shined brightly this Sunday morning, And, the robins that paired, Built nests so,...

I thought I'd watch some hockey But, I passed out drinking sake, It was real late on my tic tocky, So, I poured some scotch on some cold...

I wondered where all of my primroses went, They were under the snow some demon had sent, Perhaps under my toes, I crushed my yellow pr...

I think I hurt my little chin, When I got smacked by the 1st violin, Little Edith Bower, Told me to shower, And, if I didn't quit sticki...

There once was a crawdad named Claude, His claws were overly broad, If you gave him one inch, That's just what he'd pinch, And, ...

Spring is here and there's mold on my bread, The flies are breeding, maggots are fat and well fed, My food all rots away, It's all i...

There are bugs in the carpet and nasty wasps on the wing, Spider webs are so many that moving air makes them sing, The dust is so thick, Eve...

There's no question that I travel through time, In the natural order it isn't a crime, But, the direction I travel seems set in...

My snowman is missing and nobody cares, He may have been eaten by cougars or bears, I reported that he disappeared, The officer said i...

Pam saw a pizza face down in the street, She figured the Pizza was still good to eat, She didn't mind the bugs, Or, slimy old slugs, ...

The poor little Leprechaun was feeling real bad, For he lost all of his gold and that was so sad, Then, while watching the antique show Pi...

They came in ships from across the sea, They joined into my family tree, From County Cork on the Irish Isle, They brought to America thei...

The Ides Of March is a time to fear, The warming weather skunks my beer, The softening of the swampy land, Prepares great traps of quicke...

What to to in March on the Ides? Unlike Caesar, one runs and one hides, But, some on this date, Drink up and celebrate, That is, if you'...

Hilda baked a pin cherry pie, She forgot sugar and the tartness makes me cry, And, if I eat more than one piece, I fear I'll give up ...

Caesar had a really bad day He was a war hero but became a fillet, For the Cleopatra affair, Gave the Roman Senate a scare, But, Augustus ma...

I feed my family pineapple with pork and beans, It feeds the little ones through the teens, But, momma and I, We eat fruit pie, So, ...

Donny went swimming and got covered with scabs, Then be foamed at the mouth because he also had rabs, So, Donny was shoved in the car, Drive...

The dog next door is always barking, The lark in the tree is always larking, My parking brakes stay lit after parking, My leaky marker is al...

My wife Phyllis had a purple pony, It ate and ate all day, It gave affections that were phony, When She gave a cooing bray, I did not l...

John liked to turn plants in his yard into tea, Unfortunately, one plant was poison ivy, John's eyeballs swelled tight, His ski...

I know it's kind of a terrible thing, But, I burnt my snowman on the first day of spring, Our relationship is over, Until, Novembe...

Wearing royal colors got me into court, I was told my body would soon be a head short, I got down on my knees, But, despite all my pleas, My...

I wanted to interview a queen, But, she said my rag mag was too mean, But, a prince gave me time And, confessed to a crime, That I couldn...

The lion eats tonight, Because the path in the jungle was tight, I got caught between trees, Which gave the lion jollies,  He laughed as he ...

Michigan winters can't be taken with ease, If you decide for a nap, you've decided to freeze When winds blow down from aloft, ...

I had a feisty Pomeranian named Little Dog Lee, He would bite down on my pant cuffs and not let them be, But, when I offered him bacon, ...

Winter months have settled in, Subzero temps make my blue skin, I know good folk would say I sin, I warm myself with homemade gin, The metha...

Penny traveled down the road too fast, And, became a part of the criminal caste, So, she got a big fine, But, Penny didn't whine, Fo...

There are many noodles in my chicken noodle soup, But, I see not a piece of chicken in any soup scoop, Yet, I hear soup gurgles in soup ...

When I'm hungry I can always chew, On my left or right wooden shoe, When things get really tense, I have a club for defense, My ...

I went to the Care Home to bring Grandad his bong,👴 He insisted I stay and play a few games of Pong,📺 Gramps was a champ at that game,🏆 G...

QANON built a laser in space,  They built it at a record pace, They're space laser wasn't first, But, it was the worst, It's rec...

An ice shanty sat out on the lake, Where fishermen fish for perch and splake, The winter winds stopped, The ice shanty dropped, Now it...

I decided to change out my business chums, Because, I couldn't understand their sums, But, how you choose, Is why you loose, I thank...

I made bean and pepper pork sausage links, But, my brother-in-laws were both nasty finks, They ate ten sausages apiece, Then passed...

Jimmy liked to eat his pastry, Once he ate it way too hasty, He got a belly ache, And gaseous outtake, The burps were not all that tasty...

My car is sprinkled all with rust, But, the kids all call it pixie-dust, Well, the engine is magic, If magic is tragic, And, getting som...

Texting and driving I just overdo, That's why I crashed into the  bear cage at the Big City Zoo, Then, all the bears left their cage, ...

Nick needed a minimum wage increase, But, a Senate vote made Nick's hope suddenly cease, Nick wanted to eat, And, get a room with some h...

I am proud that teach says I always pull the low score, Well, he grades on a curve so I sacrifice for the more, When teacher's trick...

No lillies, no lillies, just snow, It seems only the snow banks can grow, Will it ever be spring, Or, just this winter hell thing, I...

I think I have greatly come to hate,😡 That my stars foretell a miserable fate,😳 I'll be bitten until made dead from alive,💀 By a mill...

Fortunes are many but, my coins are few, I made some investment but, they were pee-ew, But, through financial decline, I still can make a...

Tucker the angel sat in the  apple tree, He made music playing his ukulele, He bumped an apple that fell, Eve saw free food and thought s...

I grabbed my checkerboard to play checkers with my friends down by the bay, Then, while playing a windy wind blew up and tossed my checker...

There's a snapping turtle who does the twist, He stands on hind legs while each front leg makes a fist, One of those swerving long-n...

I once became so paranoid, That I stopped eating glue, Because I thought it might contain, A horse or two I knew, I once became so para...