LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

My car is sprinkled all with rust, But, the kids all call it pixie-dust, Well, the engine is magic, If magic is tragic, And, getting som...

Texting and driving I just overdo, That's why I crashed into the  bear cage at the Big City Zoo, Then, all the bears left their cage, ...

Nick needed a minimum wage increase, But, a Senate vote made Nick's hope suddenly cease, Nick wanted to eat, And, get a room with some h...

I am proud that teach says I always pull the low score, Well, he grades on a curve so I sacrifice for the more, When teacher's trick...

No lillies, no lillies, just snow, It seems only the snow banks can grow, Will it ever be spring, Or, just this winter hell thing, I...

I think I have greatly come to hate,😡 That my stars foretell a miserable fate,😳 I'll be bitten until made dead from alive,💀 By a mill...

Fortunes are many but, my coins are few, I made some investment but, they were pee-ew, But, through financial decline, I still can make a...

Tucker the angel sat in the  apple tree, He made music playing his ukulele, He bumped an apple that fell, Eve saw free food and thought s...

I grabbed my checkerboard to play checkers with my friends down by the bay, Then, while playing a windy wind blew up and tossed my checker...

There's a snapping turtle who does the twist, He stands on hind legs while each front leg makes a fist, One of those swerving long-n...

I once became so paranoid, That I stopped eating glue, Because I thought it might contain, A horse or two I knew, I once became so para...

Donny likes to cruelly criticize, Yet, hates reports of his small hand size, Donny is chief amongst grippers, While sitting in squishy diape...

Billy liked to play with math, So much so he missed his bath, And, although he did stink, He did calc in a blink, I'm jealous of his...

I got up this morning and my coffee was cold, My glazed doughnuts were glazed over with green mold, My truck was froze and the battery dead,...

The only job that I could book, Was working part time as a short order cook, Now, my burgers were crunchy, My fries dry and bunchy, ...

All my little mice had nothing to eat, After I took the garbage out to the street, Then, all the mice disappeared, And, my eyes got all tear...

I went online to play to play a game of Mahjong, The game was so exciting that I bit into my tongue, Then I lost, what a disgrace, And, o...

Within the shadow on the wall there were two eyes of blue, No shadow I have ever dreamed had two eyes but, you, So awkward, we look into the...

It was February 13 and I had a valentine to find, So, I tried to be witty; I tried being kind, I gave away money, But, no one would be...

The eagles raided my hen house and they raided it really bad, They took all my hens away and I was oh, so sad, Then, I had a morale booster,...

While I was tripping around in deep space, I found a rock that had a humanoid face, The face chomped down on my port side, I could hav...

There's bacteria in my refrigerator, There's bacteria on my floor, There's bacteria on my doorknob, So, I don't go out...

I saw a giant turtle crawling across the snow, I knew that he would freeze to death, Because, there were only snowy places to go, I asked hi...

The cold blowing air puts an ache in all my teeth, If my frostbite lasts much longer, I'll earn an R.I.P. wreath, The cold, howling ...

Should I go ice fishing or watch the great football game? My team is not playing and that is so lame, But, if it is ice fishing I choose? ...

Starve, Desperation, Canned cheese, crackers, candy bar, Filling, heartburn, sick.

Jimmy's winter cookout big time failed, When his frightened guests hastily bailed, You see, Jimmy lit a tire, For his cookout fire...

I went ice fishing one sunny spring day, I walked out on the ice on the bay, But, when I turned around, I was deep water bound, My ice i...

My new robot's name is Sam, He made me a breakfast with raw eggs and fried ham, But, the silverware wasn't clean, And, I became r...

I set up a shop that sold only snake oils, I claimed they cured rabies, red roids and, lip boils, But, the authorities, they care, Said, ...

Little Norm Roggan, Rode his toboggan, Down the hill, With limited skill, And, hit poor Mr. Quill on the noggin.

Donny built a snow fort on his golf course, Where'd he get funds, some say Russia was the source, Donny was fearing all the Feds, And, y...

The chickens will weather any storm, They do so because that is their norm, The hens stay together, Holding on feather to feather, W...

Two wolverines walked into a hunter's bar, They were looking for meat to vacuum pack in a jar, Although, the hunters were many, Th...

THE CULTURAL PIG Flipper the pig was an odd sort of swine, He never drank spirits except for French wine, He listened to Bach, A...

Unrequited love is a real positive, You'll find you're unloved and you still have to live, But, there will come a day, When, someone...

I got some seed that came in the mail,  Now, I can grow me some peppers and kale, I'll grow onions and toes, Pickles and poes, All with ...

I like going to restaurants and dining alone, That sets up the evening for a positive tone, I spend half the money, I think my jokes are all...

I went out ice fishing but, found me no ice, I had a brisk swim and, I guess that was nice, I dove deep for my gear, I guess it's ...

Having a glass of schnapps for breakfast is a bad idea, All it does is muddle the brain and gives one diarrhea, But, how to stand everyday, ...

I picked up some bottles to get something to eat, I was hoping to get maybe some meat for a treat, But, I didn't get much coin, Se...

Just outback of the old homestead,                  A rainbow flew over my garden shed, It didn't last long, But, I wrote it a song, Tha...

I put a pool table in my bedroom but, it did not fit, I moved the pool table to the bathroom but, then no one could sit, My pool table didn...

On my poor little trailer it snowed and it snowed, Until the roof caved in and the walls outward bowed, Of course, the lights went out, Resc...

Back to school is always rough, It sounds easy on paper but, that's just fluff, Buying cloths, kits and shoes, Texting for wardrob...

I paid in lots of income taxes but, none of it I will retrieve, I hoped that maybe this time I would get a just reprieve, But, instead I...

I went to the odd school, No desk or chair, we had a stool, We never learned about sums, Were taught reading was for bums, The kids did noth...

There once was a big old, orange critter, He lost all his friends and became bitter, He got thrown out of his house With his kids and his sp...

For my little goldfishy's sake, I forgo eating all tuna stake, He's comforted to see, No fish ate by me, He can't see the salmon...

At the diner I ordered a turkey wing, But, instead I got this UO thing, It had beady eyes, Was nibbling on my fries, He said he w...

I went to a restaurant and ordered fish for my suppy, I paid $45.00. and they served me a guppy, The fish portion was so small, I gave the w...

Donny thought he was smarter than the average bear, He broke into cabins and did not care, Then, he found a loaded gun Played with it just f...

I am a jolly pirate but, I've never put to sea,🌬⛵⚓💀 I like life onboard a pirate ship but, there is no place to pee,🚻🚽💩 So, I s...

Donny liked to do the treason, To stay in power was his reason, He used his foul moods, To excite stupid dudes, Who think pale skin is in se...

I found some pickles lying out in the snow, They were dark colored and frozen so, I took them to go, When the pickles thawed, they were ...

I have a little finch that really roars, It's flatulent wind blows open oak doors, And, my finch does not care, That it pollutes everyon...

I had a goldfish named Donny T. He was as belligerent as he could be, So, I replaced Donny with Joe, And, where did Donny go? He swims in th...

A weasel, a skunk and a vowel, All lived in the very same hole, Then, along came a bear, Who sat down on their lair, And, took a dump an...

I ate some chicken powdered nuggets, They were frightful I must say, In fact, I don't see why such a recipie, Was ever shown the l...

I went into the parlor to listen to some Bach, I then ordered dinner when, I noticed the tic-tok, The TV talked sedition, As I consumed my n...