LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I went out ice fishing but, found me no ice, I had a brisk swim and, I guess that was nice, I dove deep for my gear, I guess it's ...

Having a glass of schnapps for breakfast is a bad idea, All it does is muddle the brain and gives one diarrhea, But, how to stand everyday, ...

I picked up some bottles to get something to eat, I was hoping to get maybe some meat for a treat, But, I didn't get much coin, Se...

Just outback of the old homestead,                  A rainbow flew over my garden shed, It didn't last long, But, I wrote it a song, Tha...

I put a pool table in my bedroom but, it did not fit, I moved the pool table to the bathroom but, then no one could sit, My pool table didn...

On my poor little trailer it snowed and it snowed, Until the roof caved in and the walls outward bowed, Of course, the lights went out, Resc...

Back to school is always rough, It sounds easy on paper but, that's just fluff, Buying cloths, kits and shoes, Texting for wardrob...

I paid in lots of income taxes but, none of it I will retrieve, I hoped that maybe this time I would get a just reprieve, But, instead I...

I went to the odd school, No desk or chair, we had a stool, We never learned about sums, Were taught reading was for bums, The kids did noth...

There once was a big old, orange critter, He lost all his friends and became bitter, He got thrown out of his house With his kids and his sp...

For my little goldfishy's sake, I forgo eating all tuna stake, He's comforted to see, No fish ate by me, He can't see the salmon...

At the diner I ordered a turkey wing, But, instead I got this UO thing, It had beady eyes, Was nibbling on my fries, He said he w...

I went to a restaurant and ordered fish for my suppy, I paid $45.00. and they served me a guppy, The fish portion was so small, I gave the w...

Donny thought he was smarter than the average bear, He broke into cabins and did not care, Then, he found a loaded gun Played with it just f...

I am a jolly pirate but, I've never put to sea,🌬⛵⚓💀 I like life onboard a pirate ship but, there is no place to pee,🚻🚽💩 So, I s...

Donny liked to do the treason, To stay in power was his reason, He used his foul moods, To excite stupid dudes, Who think pale skin is in se...

I found some pickles lying out in the snow, They were dark colored and frozen so, I took them to go, When the pickles thawed, they were ...

I have a little finch that really roars, It's flatulent wind blows open oak doors, And, my finch does not care, That it pollutes everyon...

I had a goldfish named Donny T. He was as belligerent as he could be, So, I replaced Donny with Joe, And, where did Donny go? He swims in th...

A weasel, a skunk and a vowel, All lived in the very same hole, Then, along came a bear, Who sat down on their lair, And, took a dump an...

I ate some chicken powdered nuggets, They were frightful I must say, In fact, I don't see why such a recipie, Was ever shown the l...

I went into the parlor to listen to some Bach, I then ordered dinner when, I noticed the tic-tok, The TV talked sedition, As I consumed my n...

Never start the month of June, When you start with a new moon, Change the calander right away, You had best move the day, Or bad things ...

Someone was making love in my outhouse, Don't know who it was cause I wasn't there, Could of been a weasle, could have been a sk...

When I saw the zombies coming, Then, my heart began drumming, There were so many I quit summing, And, all I heard was corpses humming, I kne...

Where have all the peanuts gone? There's none to shuck when the night bleeds dawn, There are none in a jar, Or, under the seats of...

The pandemic took me from riches to rags I was cran-coloring pictures on crayon colored on bags, And, my love ran off with some bloke, Took ...

Better eat your spinach and better eat your peas, So, you don't come down with a pandemic disease, Better eat your eggs and cheese, So, ...

Uncle Russel had a cat, The cat ate oatmeal from a hat, The cat liked to share, With his best friend Bear, And, Bear was just a sewer ra...

In my driveway of ice and clay, My little car got stuck today,🚙 I have no road service so, there it stay, At least until the month of May, ...

I lost my election to be mayor of the vill, If I hadn't voted my vote total would be nill, Now, I've known my family all my life...

I knew a physics professor a long time ago, He stuck an idea in my head that has started to glow, He said the universe acted all spooky, So,...

I am the killer of many bad bees, When they bite on the backside of my knobby knees, They rip flesh by the inch, So, I give them a ...

You would think that Donny would forever rue, Everything that he did, done, do, But, his universe is alt, He gives others the fault, So, to ...

I built my chickens a chicken koop, It was a place to eat, a place to poop, And, beneath their legs, They'd lay those eggs, My reward fo...

It's January Two and the sun ain't yet shinning, I fed some peanuts to the squirrels so, the squirrels are all dining, Now, I'll...

It is now January "09", The full moon looks like blood wine, I really don't care, Because I am a bear, I going to sleep an...

On New Year's Eve we all love to go out, We drink and eat with gusto and shout, At midnight we chug the mug, Give our loved o...

It was awful I couldn't wait for 2020 to end, I hoped that out of mercy the time rulers would bend, And make the year shorter, Maybe by ...

I don't know a pair of ducks from a paradox, I can't tell a pair of dogs from a couple of fox, But, one thing is clear, If you spill...

My dad was born with a prehensile tail, He picked fruit trees for a living and put the fruit in a pail, But, he was attacked by some bee...

There was a leprechaun named Pete, Corned beef and cabbage was all he'd eat, He was full of green gas, And, could not get a lass, He...

Vonnie made some lemonade, To go with Charlie's salmon, And, Vonnie's lemonade made golden grade, But, Charlie's salmon wa...

Eat much smaller portions and the fat will melt away, That is what my doctor said and it's what mommy use to  say, But, I like to mega e...

On Facebook I was trolled and trolled all Christmas day, So, I cancelled my account to Twitter parley, On Twitter I got a restricted account...

It's the day after Christmas and I've broken all my toys, I guess I ain't one of those good girls or good boys, So, I took my gi...

Over there I saw the Christmas Bear, He roared and gave me quite a scare, I petted his head, He knocked me down dead, Petting the Christ...

When the sky is cold and gray, And summer seems so far away, Snowflakes twinkle, a light display, Then the mind begins to play, Imagini...

Everyone deserves a Merry Christmas Day, Eat a big dinner and watch the kids play, After dinner and more, Sleep with a loud snore, And d...

Benny the elf made toys for Saint Nick, After Christmas he'd visit his cousin named Rick, Rick lived in Atlanta, A long ways from dea...

Because all the Christmas pigs had run away, We had to eat tuna fish on Christmas day, And, from my family there was no praise, We didn...

Politicians must start thinking with clarity, The earth is filled with the severed heads of kings, Who, managed their people with austerit...

When I climbed up into my old tree house I time traveled back thirty years, When I fell through the rotting boards it brought back my chil...

Santa had an  evil businessman’s Id, Although at Christmas he would keep it well hid, Santa liked to throw snowballs at elfin workers, If...

Upon my pond glide scary riders, Many call them water spiders, So, in my pond I won't sit, Too afraid to be bit, Instead, I'll go ba...

The Doc asked me so, I counted one, tooo, tree,  My infant tongue betrayed the mind of me, I destroyed my mind and my good soul, Smoking a w...

I bought all of my Christmas online, Even the dinner and wine, The dinner arrived cold, The wine cork taste was bold, I'm now th...

Donny played no golfing game,  His missing foot was to blame, Donny thought his foot was stolen, When he misplaced it up his colon, Although...

Donny thought he was a macho man, Because he ate pasta from a can, Donny was six times the weight, Of any normal mate, Donny thought each ga...

I've decided to quit wearing baseball hats, The red ones especially have major loser stats, So, like granddad and aunt Cora, I'll be...