LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

On New Year's Eve we all love to go out, We drink and eat with gusto and shout, At midnight we chug the mug, Give our loved o...

It was awful I couldn't wait for 2020 to end, I hoped that out of mercy the time rulers would bend, And make the year shorter, Maybe by ...

I don't know a pair of ducks from a paradox, I can't tell a pair of dogs from a couple of fox, But, one thing is clear, If you spill...

My dad was born with a prehensile tail, He picked fruit trees for a living and put the fruit in a pail, But, he was attacked by some bee...

There was a leprechaun named Pete, Corned beef and cabbage was all he'd eat, He was full of green gas, And, could not get a lass, He...

Vonnie made some lemonade, To go with Charlie's salmon, And, Vonnie's lemonade made golden grade, But, Charlie's salmon wa...

Eat much smaller portions and the fat will melt away, That is what my doctor said and it's what mommy use to  say, But, I like to mega e...

On Facebook I was trolled and trolled all Christmas day, So, I cancelled my account to Twitter parley, On Twitter I got a restricted account...

It's the day after Christmas and I've broken all my toys, I guess I ain't one of those good girls or good boys, So, I took my gi...

Over there I saw the Christmas Bear, He roared and gave me quite a scare, I petted his head, He knocked me down dead, Petting the Christ...

When the sky is cold and gray, And summer seems so far away, Snowflakes twinkle, a light display, Then the mind begins to play, Imagini...

Everyone deserves a Merry Christmas Day, Eat a big dinner and watch the kids play, After dinner and more, Sleep with a loud snore, And d...

Benny the elf made toys for Saint Nick, After Christmas he'd visit his cousin named Rick, Rick lived in Atlanta, A long ways from dea...

Because all the Christmas pigs had run away, We had to eat tuna fish on Christmas day, And, from my family there was no praise, We didn...

Politicians must start thinking with clarity, The earth is filled with the severed heads of kings, Who, managed their people with austerit...

When I climbed up into my old tree house I time traveled back thirty years, When I fell through the rotting boards it brought back my chil...

Santa had an  evil businessman’s Id, Although at Christmas he would keep it well hid, Santa liked to throw snowballs at elfin workers, If...

Upon my pond glide scary riders, Many call them water spiders, So, in my pond I won't sit, Too afraid to be bit, Instead, I'll go ba...

The Doc asked me so, I counted one, tooo, tree,  My infant tongue betrayed the mind of me, I destroyed my mind and my good soul, Smoking a w...

I bought all of my Christmas online, Even the dinner and wine, The dinner arrived cold, The wine cork taste was bold, I'm now th...

Donny played no golfing game,  His missing foot was to blame, Donny thought his foot was stolen, When he misplaced it up his colon, Although...

Donny thought he was a macho man, Because he ate pasta from a can, Donny was six times the weight, Of any normal mate, Donny thought each ga...

I've decided to quit wearing baseball hats, The red ones especially have major loser stats, So, like granddad and aunt Cora, I'll be...

There was an elephant all large and fat, The elephant knew where the peanuts were at, It kissed the big rears, Of the rich who inflict te...

Willie the wood cutter cut down a big birch, But, Willie felled the birch wrong, upon the neighborhood church, The birch knocked off the b...

This year I had a failed crop of hops, So, now all winter I drink shots and pops, But, it's beer that I'll crave, Until, I go to my ...

Donny did a dirty deed, When he lost his online feed, He pardoned bandits that were his seed, And, all his nasty friends he freed, Donny was...

Donny wet to bed last night, Because his jammies were too tight, They put on a squeeze, He peed with ease, Now,  Donny's bottom has diap...

I went to the Fair and was taken aback by the vapors, The smells weren't advertised by the pictures in papers, So, I held my nose, ...

I went ice fishing way out on the lake, The blue gills were a pretty good take, The gills flopped about with ease, Until they started to ...

Donny stole 10 billion bucks,💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰🤑 He loaded it onto pickup trucks,🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚 No one knows how,🤔 The money got to Moscow...

My gal and I had a skunk named Amadeus, Whenever he’d see us he couldn’t help but to spray us, We did nothing at all wrong, To get a tast...

Donny's Christmas cookies tasted like a toilet that would not flush, Donny said that all complainers should just shut their traps and hu...

My furnace does not keep me warm, It dies when there is a snow storm, It's not so fun, When your heater don't run, And, on your ...

My bedroom window was left open all day, The winter snows poured inward that way, So, with two feet of snow, My bedroom was no place t...

There was a pair of alien probes, They attached themselves to my earlobes Then, they re-fabricated my brain, Leaving me legally insane...

Donny wanted all the toys, So, he bullied all the girls and boys, And, if a kid said no deal, Donny simply would steal Evil deeds were Donny...

Donny loved to gather money, It was the only way he could find a honey, For, he had no hair, Bad underwear, And, down his leg dripped someth...

While counterfeiting or, dollar making, Donny dreamed of trips he thought worth taking, And, the cars and mansions he'd buy, With his do...

My little pet bear ate my Christmas ham, without shame, I left the smokehouse door open so, I guess I'm to blame, Now, Christmas din...

Under the full Beaver Moon, I marched with a pipes played tune, The county took me away, For a very long stay, I was labeled a bird, a loon.

Santa ate too many herbal cookies, Santa drank too much ice beer, Santa went to jail,  That's why Santa isn't here. Santa has some r...

There were great deals on Black Friday but, I had no funds to pay, I had not been working since, the third week of May, I broke open my penn...

Wilbur Royce Rice, Was the movie Mogul of his time, He began his career in film, With a camera and a dime, A silent world Rice sc...

There was a dung beetle named Barb, Her diet was really high carb, She did not feel well, She burst through her shell, For dress she mus...

Donny liked to time travel back to an autocratic nation, And, often when Donny time traveled, he'd suffer constipation, Donny went to 50...

I drove my tractor out on the lake to snow blow some ice, I thought an ice rink for the kids would be really nice, I watched my rink gro...

For Turkey Day I ate canned pig, With a bottle of port and a menthol cig, And, the big surprise, I found some old French fries, They were in...

Because of Covid  I could not turkey shop via, a roam,😷 So, I carved my Thanksgiving beast from Dow Styrofoam,🦃 It did not bake but, caugh...

I was to serve a non-meat turkey at Thanksgiving noon, But, the turkey I baked was a turkey balloon, Well, that's in the past, So, after...

Turkey, turkey way up in the tall tree, Please come down; be dinner for me, I'll invite over friends, We'll eat your odds and ends, ...

There were three flying monkeys sent by the Wicked Witch of the West, They were just three flying monkeys but, they were the wicked Witch...

There was a volcano down the street It burnt my shoelaces; burnt off my feet, Because when the lava flows, If you don't run you lose toe...

I'm eating artificial meat, It tastes like turkey; at least the feet, It chews like gum, That's been shared with some, And, the smel...

APPOINTMENT NOTICE, WAITING ROOM, WAITING, CLEAN, PAIN CHECKOUT, BILL, SHOCK, PAIN

I ate at a friend's place and they served kidney cake, It did not taste good so, my compliments were all fake, Then, after a quick toile...

I am pondering on a web of stars where, I don't think stars should ever be, They're inside my kitchen oven within some fourth dimens...

There is no greater power than the Emperor of Beans, He has turned the heads and soiled the beds of emperors, kings and queen, No one can cl...

I went outside and cut down a tree, I did it wrong and it fell on me, So, now I slouch, With eternal ouch, And, drink only chamomile herb te...

In the real world we need to find: warmth, water, food, shelter and some form of carnal happiness. Everything else is just a world of make b...