LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I drove my van out West to see the big fires, I was doing real good till the heat melted my tires, There was no turning around, So, I took o...

I was taught to invest and to save, It was the only way to behave, But, things are not sunny, I lost all of my money, Investing dug my m...

There was a monkey in a cage, His incarceration filled him with rage, If you wanted his scoop, He’d throw at you some poop, Interpretati...

A creature came from the multiverse and it was really bad, It's secretions dissolved things like my brother, mom, and dad, Their dem...

I went on a trip and come down with disease, I cannot pronounce it with all the "Q"s and the "P"s, With my ratio of ...

On this chilled, frosty morning my red car has turned white, My bright, beautiful garden has died overnight, I look on with despair, Then, d...

Way up north in Michigan beyond where the highway ends with cones, The snow is so damn deep, it's beyond all habitable zones, That's...

Oh where, oh where did my coffee grounds go? I couldn't buy new coffee because I ran out of doe, I need coffee before I go earn some...

I went to a planet just made up of gas, It was the kind that only a mean giant would pass, I followed after the foe, But, turned aroun...

Trolls thrive where humans keep their tombs, Trolls eat on humans time exhumbs,  For mortal bones, Aren't held by stones, For we...

A chill came down from the north It froze my melons at noon August 4th, And, all of my corn, Had frostbite by next morn, So, no food in my f...

About every other date, Robbie got a runny nose, And, if he tried to ignore it, the run would drip down on his clothes, Robbie finally, ...

A beaver put up a dam, It flooded just where I am, Because of what he did, It cost me many a quid, But, some dynamite gave his dam a ...

I play darts in the league of One Eyes, None of us are too good; that's no surprise, We have piercings galore, Each game we bleed sore, ...

When the wind blew up the street, It dried my roadkill, made it tough meat, Might been bear, might been turkey, It was hard chewing jerky, B...

Someone hit my garbage can earlier tonight, The can ruptured, the bags split and, the contents became blight, Now, I had taken to rest, Deci...

I turned my dark, night backyard into day, With my sodium light display, And, with my gas grill before the morn, I toasted wieners and roast...

I speak few words and understand almost none, I like animal speech because it is more fun, Growling and biting, Are just more exciting...

When everyone offers you a breath mint, While, shampoo is suggested to eliminate lint,  And, being gifted with bar soap, Means that yo...

Donny got athletes foot disease, But, Donny was no athlete, just a political sleaze, Of course, Donny's bowls were far worse, A family c...

Velcro shoes are a safe, easy fun, But, they are not for everyone, Some like long strings, Such personal things, But, they'll se...

I went down to the old damn where the water flowed, It looked so awfully pretty I wanted to compose an ode, Alas, for my ode I had no gimmic...

My doggie has no pedigree; my cat came in from the wild, My finch showed up in my bird cage one day;  his temperament is mild,  My pet s...

Although things are falling apart and the world is in a rush, It is time to meditate and tell the world to hush, Control that fear, Yo...

If you cook something that no one will eat, Cover it with gravy for a quick deceit, If there's time to change "reject" to ...

A lightening bolt strike messed up my organs real bad, It upset my stomach and I lost my lunch, just a tad, My bladder emptied real fast, I ...

Orange is the color of my true loves face,🍊🖕 It makes them stand out and garner first place,🍔🍔🍔🍕🍕🍕🍩🍩🍩💰💰💰 If they'd only st...

The king of Mars won't share any of his beer,  And, on planet mars all beer is dear, So it's back to the earth, Where I started at b...

Out to the mailbox I chanced to bear scout, But, never a bear I found there about, But, a cougar made me dead When, he bit off my head, O.K....

 I found a dollar on the floor, The one I lost the day before, I had accused my roommate of stealing, Which hurt his self-worth and feeling,...

If I sum some sums each day, I receive a stipends, a little pay, And what sums do I do, Well, I grade a test for I.Q., For presidents with m...

My portrait was hung but, it was in low regard, It advertised a bounty for a criminal rated "hard," I inquired with a call, ...

During my workout I got way overheated, So, I grabbed a cold drink and quickly I seated, My shirt was drenched, solid wet, I ripped it off, ...

It's the rhythmic tone for which I pine,🕰 When the tic-toc chime called me to dine,🍱 My tic-toc was smashed,💔 When my roof caved and ...

Chewing tobacco dirties my skin pores, It gets stuck in my throat and causes night snores, So, why do I chew? Well, I look cooler than you, ...

On today's dark wicked, heated morning, The churning sky fog was a fear felt warning, Then, Mr. Tornado Man came here, He broke my body ...

I have a tentative job, As a hit-man for a notorious mob, I won't feel too sad, For I'll be after the bad, Who, from gangsters they...

And the pickle kept on growing, Numb pickle brain remained unknowing, After a quick peel, It became my meal, I saved some seeds for future s...

I hear nothing but bad news, I have the Covid virus blues, I can only cope,  By voting out the dope, With the orange face and short twit fus...

Some days I just have to get sleep, So, my pretty face I can keep, Everyone pines, To lose facial lines, And, late nights cause face...

I got into college but I had to cheat, I loaded the dean's freezer with a ton of deer meat, I gained lots of knowledge, While in b...

Masked troops marched into my town, All decked out in camouflage brown, They beat me in the head, And left me for dead, I lived but ...

I wonder what the rose is thinking?  While on the wall it rests while blinking, Just what did it see? Will it voice secrets ...

A strange rainbow went over the hill, Night is breaking across my little vill, I see the daylight conclude, Pushy, the night asser...

Once there was a reefer who lived out on the high reef, Some said he was a hooligan, others said he was a thief, One day he came to town...

For five days each week It's survival money I seek, For a store family elite, The peasants I beat, Selling tires I know will soo...

I spit a pit that popped a zit on the neighbor's pitbull named Rhoda, I spit a pit that made a hit on a policeman's cold Bubba sod...

My squirrel statue was worshiped from afar, By my friends at my after work bar, They didn't understand Karl Sagan, Their minds tur...

When you have problems in life it's best to set sail, Then, no one can chide you when the ocean's your trail, So, you let others ...

I didn't want a virus to make me sicker, So, I stayed indoors and played karate kicker, I kicked sister, I kicked dad, I kicked br...

I was nailing up a 2" ×4" when it fell and hit me on my knoggin,  Then came dreamy world where I was ridding on my tobaggon, M...

The president of the paranoid, Who think science is something to avoid, The president is so annoyed, For science is his hemmoroid, R...

I tolerate my workmates and my boss, I tolerate my work tech based on MS DOS, And, just like the other school teachers, I tolerate the ...

I followed a horse to water and then I took a drink,🏊 The water smelled of urine because the horse had made it stink,🐎👅 I looked both...

They made a statue of my cousin who was a political engineer, He misbehaved but, got the roads paved all while drunk with beer, Kids wil...

My social media has all been banned,🚳 In this and every other land,🗼🗽🏝🏜 I say mean stuff too much,👹 I'm out of touch,🐨 Ju...

So, the term"social distance" means the same as six feet, From coach to fridge I walk a social distance just so I can eat, Twe...

Most in the press make the wrong assumption, They think folks want government destroyed by ending it's function, But, just listen plea...

As the woods becomes dry bugs get thirsty mean, And, I'm looked upon as a thirst quenching canteen, So, bugs come for my slaughter, ...

I went outside to look for a lost ring,💍 Then, the bumblebees began to sting,🔥 The ring wasn't real gold,🏅 Just gold paint I wa...