LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

My doggie has no pedigree; my cat came in from the wild, My finch showed up in my bird cage one day;  his temperament is mild,  My pet s...

Although things are falling apart and the world is in a rush, It is time to meditate and tell the world to hush, Control that fear, Yo...

If you cook something that no one will eat, Cover it with gravy for a quick deceit, If there's time to change "reject" to ...

A lightening bolt strike messed up my organs real bad, It upset my stomach and I lost my lunch, just a tad, My bladder emptied real fast, I ...

Orange is the color of my true loves face,🍊🖕 It makes them stand out and garner first place,🍔🍔🍔🍕🍕🍕🍩🍩🍩💰💰💰 If they'd only st...

The king of Mars won't share any of his beer,  And, on planet mars all beer is dear, So it's back to the earth, Where I started at b...

Out to the mailbox I chanced to bear scout, But, never a bear I found there about, But, a cougar made me dead When, he bit off my head, O.K....

 I found a dollar on the floor, The one I lost the day before, I had accused my roommate of stealing, Which hurt his self-worth and feeling,...

If I sum some sums each day, I receive a stipends, a little pay, And what sums do I do, Well, I grade a test for I.Q., For presidents with m...

My portrait was hung but, it was in low regard, It advertised a bounty for a criminal rated "hard," I inquired with a call, ...

During my workout I got way overheated, So, I grabbed a cold drink and quickly I seated, My shirt was drenched, solid wet, I ripped it off, ...

It's the rhythmic tone for which I pine,🕰 When the tic-toc chime called me to dine,🍱 My tic-toc was smashed,💔 When my roof caved and ...

Chewing tobacco dirties my skin pores, It gets stuck in my throat and causes night snores, So, why do I chew? Well, I look cooler than you, ...

On today's dark wicked, heated morning, The churning sky fog was a fear felt warning, Then, Mr. Tornado Man came here, He broke my body ...

I have a tentative job, As a hit-man for a notorious mob, I won't feel too sad, For I'll be after the bad, Who, from gangsters they...

And the pickle kept on growing, Numb pickle brain remained unknowing, After a quick peel, It became my meal, I saved some seeds for future s...

I hear nothing but bad news, I have the Covid virus blues, I can only cope,  By voting out the dope, With the orange face and short twit fus...

Some days I just have to get sleep, So, my pretty face I can keep, Everyone pines, To lose facial lines, And, late nights cause face...

I got into college but I had to cheat, I loaded the dean's freezer with a ton of deer meat, I gained lots of knowledge, While in b...

Masked troops marched into my town, All decked out in camouflage brown, They beat me in the head, And left me for dead, I lived but ...

I wonder what the rose is thinking?  While on the wall it rests while blinking, Just what did it see? Will it voice secrets ...

A strange rainbow went over the hill, Night is breaking across my little vill, I see the daylight conclude, Pushy, the night asser...

Once there was a reefer who lived out on the high reef, Some said he was a hooligan, others said he was a thief, One day he came to town...

For five days each week It's survival money I seek, For a store family elite, The peasants I beat, Selling tires I know will soo...

I spit a pit that popped a zit on the neighbor's pitbull named Rhoda, I spit a pit that made a hit on a policeman's cold Bubba sod...

My squirrel statue was worshiped from afar, By my friends at my after work bar, They didn't understand Karl Sagan, Their minds tur...

When you have problems in life it's best to set sail, Then, no one can chide you when the ocean's your trail, So, you let others ...

I didn't want a virus to make me sicker, So, I stayed indoors and played karate kicker, I kicked sister, I kicked dad, I kicked br...

I was nailing up a 2" ×4" when it fell and hit me on my knoggin,  Then came dreamy world where I was ridding on my tobaggon, M...

The president of the paranoid, Who think science is something to avoid, The president is so annoyed, For science is his hemmoroid, R...

I tolerate my workmates and my boss, I tolerate my work tech based on MS DOS, And, just like the other school teachers, I tolerate the ...

I followed a horse to water and then I took a drink,🏊 The water smelled of urine because the horse had made it stink,🐎👅 I looked both...

They made a statue of my cousin who was a political engineer, He misbehaved but, got the roads paved all while drunk with beer, Kids wil...

My social media has all been banned,🚳 In this and every other land,🗼🗽🏝🏜 I say mean stuff too much,👹 I'm out of touch,🐨 Ju...

So, the term"social distance" means the same as six feet, From coach to fridge I walk a social distance just so I can eat, Twe...

Most in the press make the wrong assumption, They think folks want government destroyed by ending it's function, But, just listen plea...

As the woods becomes dry bugs get thirsty mean, And, I'm looked upon as a thirst quenching canteen, So, bugs come for my slaughter, ...

I went outside to look for a lost ring,💍 Then, the bumblebees began to sting,🔥 The ring wasn't real gold,🏅 Just gold paint I wa...

When your toilet sinks through your trailers floor,🚽 When there's no money for food from a store,🏬 And, if no heat you discern,😨 ...

I had for my lunch a big plate of fresh scrape, I found the scrape on the highway down by the cape, I should have ate at the bar, The ...

I climbed up into a tree that needed a trim, It would have been fine if I had been slim But, so frail was the tree,  It fell over ...

The high prices for groceries is appalling,🧀🍖🍗🍅🍻🍩🍕 I need those prices to start falling,📉 From email I hear voices,📬💻📲 Dema...

I caught a great big bear,🐻 Trying on my underware,👙 Usually, I would not care,🖖 But, his big bottom made a tear,〰〽〰 I'll hav...

Another universe I found this day, Where all are young and young they'll stay, I've become a resident of that ageless verse, A...

Many people now days don't want to learn,🎓 They don't see how learning can help them to earn,💰 They're the very happiest c...

My kitty and rabbit  got into a big fight,🐈🐇 My rabbit bested kitty but the rabbit got a bite,😿 As oft these fights end,💐 They pla...

Such happy days I had with me dog, pet, When she passed, thought I, another I'd get, I could afford only a squirrel, I called his ...

The landlord said I must pay to stay, Or, I should have to move away, But, if I'm not mistaken, My rent dollars were taken, By t...

I broke a community rule,🙀 When I took my bath in the pool,👎 I soaped up with a sponge,🚦 Washed it off with a plunge,💦 People sa...

There was a virus going around and I didn't care,😽 I'm a cat and have nine lives to spare,😺 Then, the virus I got,🙀 And, ni...

I had no extra eyes to spare,🙈 So, I went to a doctor to fix my eye tear,👣👁 The doc sewed my eye up tight,✂〰 Asked if I'd been ...

I trusted in my frosted doughnuts to keep me very slim,🍩 But, my waist has grown much larger and, I workout at the gym,🏋 Maybe water s...

There was a small toad in my garden of clay,🐸🍄 He was chewing on bugs as he went on his way,🐞 Then, along came a vicious snake,🐍 T...

I went protesting down the street,👣🗽 I didn't go far until I got beat,🌟🌟🌟 A baton in my face,😁🚔🚓 Put me in my place,🚑🏥 ...

There is so much going on in the news,☣☢💉📉🔥🌪🚀🗽💀👹 What to watch is so hard to choose,📺 With no haircut I'm hairy,👦💈 Like...

I don't know a widget from an app, I don't know a folk song from a rap, I don't know soft spoken from a yell, How are thin...

I found in my driveway a little stone charm, I put it around my neck, didn't think it would harm, But, the next crazy day, I had n...

With all the troubles in every town, I think that I will dig on down, I'll build a bunker, There I'll hunker, And, movie bin...

Humans are such wondrous things, One of them paints while another one sings, One makes love another, war, One keeps the dart game scor...

I'm not sure what are dreams or, not? Are they what I remember or, what I forgot? My reality is not all that clear, I don't h...