LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Some days I just have to get sleep, So, my pretty face I can keep, Everyone pines, To lose facial lines, And, late nights cause face...

I got into college but I had to cheat, I loaded the dean's freezer with a ton of deer meat, I gained lots of knowledge, While in b...

Masked troops marched into my town, All decked out in camouflage brown, They beat me in the head, And left me for dead, I lived but ...

I wonder what the rose is thinking?  While on the wall it rests while blinking, Just what did it see? Will it voice secrets ...

A strange rainbow went over the hill, Night is breaking across my little vill, I see the daylight conclude, Pushy, the night asser...

Once there was a reefer who lived out on the high reef, Some said he was a hooligan, others said he was a thief, One day he came to town...

For five days each week It's survival money I seek, For a store family elite, The peasants I beat, Selling tires I know will soo...

I spit a pit that popped a zit on the neighbor's pitbull named Rhoda, I spit a pit that made a hit on a policeman's cold Bubba sod...

My squirrel statue was worshiped from afar, By my friends at my after work bar, They didn't understand Karl Sagan, Their minds tur...

When you have problems in life it's best to set sail, Then, no one can chide you when the ocean's your trail, So, you let others ...

I didn't want a virus to make me sicker, So, I stayed indoors and played karate kicker, I kicked sister, I kicked dad, I kicked br...

I was nailing up a 2" ×4" when it fell and hit me on my knoggin,  Then came dreamy world where I was ridding on my tobaggon, M...

The president of the paranoid, Who think science is something to avoid, The president is so annoyed, For science is his hemmoroid, R...

I tolerate my workmates and my boss, I tolerate my work tech based on MS DOS, And, just like the other school teachers, I tolerate the ...

I followed a horse to water and then I took a drink,🏊 The water smelled of urine because the horse had made it stink,🐎👅 I looked both...

They made a statue of my cousin who was a political engineer, He misbehaved but, got the roads paved all while drunk with beer, Kids wil...

My social media has all been banned,🚳 In this and every other land,🗼🗽🏝🏜 I say mean stuff too much,👹 I'm out of touch,🐨 Ju...

So, the term"social distance" means the same as six feet, From coach to fridge I walk a social distance just so I can eat, Twe...

Most in the press make the wrong assumption, They think folks want government destroyed by ending it's function, But, just listen plea...

As the woods becomes dry bugs get thirsty mean, And, I'm looked upon as a thirst quenching canteen, So, bugs come for my slaughter, ...

I went outside to look for a lost ring,💍 Then, the bumblebees began to sting,🔥 The ring wasn't real gold,🏅 Just gold paint I wa...

When your toilet sinks through your trailers floor,🚽 When there's no money for food from a store,🏬 And, if no heat you discern,😨 ...

I had for my lunch a big plate of fresh scrape, I found the scrape on the highway down by the cape, I should have ate at the bar, The ...

I climbed up into a tree that needed a trim, It would have been fine if I had been slim But, so frail was the tree,  It fell over ...

The high prices for groceries is appalling,🧀🍖🍗🍅🍻🍩🍕 I need those prices to start falling,📉 From email I hear voices,📬💻📲 Dema...

I caught a great big bear,🐻 Trying on my underware,👙 Usually, I would not care,🖖 But, his big bottom made a tear,〰〽〰 I'll hav...

Another universe I found this day, Where all are young and young they'll stay, I've become a resident of that ageless verse, A...

Many people now days don't want to learn,🎓 They don't see how learning can help them to earn,💰 They're the very happiest c...

My kitty and rabbit  got into a big fight,🐈🐇 My rabbit bested kitty but the rabbit got a bite,😿 As oft these fights end,💐 They pla...

Such happy days I had with me dog, pet, When she passed, thought I, another I'd get, I could afford only a squirrel, I called his ...

The landlord said I must pay to stay, Or, I should have to move away, But, if I'm not mistaken, My rent dollars were taken, By t...

I broke a community rule,🙀 When I took my bath in the pool,👎 I soaped up with a sponge,🚦 Washed it off with a plunge,💦 People sa...

There was a virus going around and I didn't care,😽 I'm a cat and have nine lives to spare,😺 Then, the virus I got,🙀 And, ni...

I had no extra eyes to spare,🙈 So, I went to a doctor to fix my eye tear,👣👁 The doc sewed my eye up tight,✂〰 Asked if I'd been ...

I trusted in my frosted doughnuts to keep me very slim,🍩 But, my waist has grown much larger and, I workout at the gym,🏋 Maybe water s...

There was a small toad in my garden of clay,🐸🍄 He was chewing on bugs as he went on his way,🐞 Then, along came a vicious snake,🐍 T...

I went protesting down the street,👣🗽 I didn't go far until I got beat,🌟🌟🌟 A baton in my face,😁🚔🚓 Put me in my place,🚑🏥 ...

There is so much going on in the news,☣☢💉📉🔥🌪🚀🗽💀👹 What to watch is so hard to choose,📺 With no haircut I'm hairy,👦💈 Like...

I don't know a widget from an app, I don't know a folk song from a rap, I don't know soft spoken from a yell, How are thin...

I found in my driveway a little stone charm, I put it around my neck, didn't think it would harm, But, the next crazy day, I had n...

With all the troubles in every town, I think that I will dig on down, I'll build a bunker, There I'll hunker, And, movie bin...

Humans are such wondrous things, One of them paints while another one sings, One makes love another, war, One keeps the dart game scor...

I'm not sure what are dreams or, not? Are they what I remember or, what I forgot? My reality is not all that clear, I don't h...

I rue the day I knocked over that bucket of nails, Now, when I drive my car each tire impales, The nails spilled in my garage, But, do...

There were sharp pebbles on my kitchen floor, My barefoot counted them to be four, Oh, what severe, dire pain, Disturbed my soft a.m. ...

I wonder if there will ever be, A bigger Twitter twit than me, I tweet happy and I tweet woe, I tweet on stuff when I don't know, ...

Of me, my family was no fan,  My ashes were put in a coffee can, And the worms my family picked up, Upon my ashes they'd sup, I ...

I remember playing in the sand, On the beach next to dry land,  I found it a thrill, Building a castle sandhill, While I listened to...

I now have an excuse not to house clean, I'm doing the arts and crafting scene, If it looks and smells rough, It's covered w...

I found something special had come this dawn, My Michigan summer had come and gone, For near halfway through the month of May, I awoke...

There are no jobs when no one's buying, I have no income but, I'm trying, I pick old masks out of the trash, I then recycle th...

Oh great polar vortex that comes in May, That shuts down beach fun and ends spring play, The cold has had a long run, Why can't wi...

The rise of the flower moon, This moon rises none too soon, Why waste a day, In early May, Without lilac scent by noon.

I was bit by a poisonous bee, I saw the doctor in the next door county, The bee bit me on the nose, The doc chopped off my toes, He ...

The windchill is record bitter but, I need my job, So, I started driving to work like a work needy slob, Then, three miles from work, ...

I've really bad some awful luck, Someone stole my hockey puck, Someone stole my hockey stick, And, my writing pen, brand Bic, Th...

My friend lives on a little trust, He delivers papers because he must And, burgers he flips, For cigarettes and tips, He walks because h...

From the internet I learned that the world is flat, And, if I dig down a few feet a new place I'll be at, So, towards Hawaii went my...

The carcass cracks and pops as it roasts upon my stick, I'm not sure what I'll be eating, I found it after it was hit, Oh, it...

There is nothing better than a big shinny sun, It should shine in the morning til all fun is done, The night can have clouds, With rai...