LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I got some flowers from my best bud Fred, He sent me flowers when I went dead, In my final dwell, I didn't smell so well, So, th...

Before I enter the month called May,  My rent bill I will have to pay, But, I lost my job, And, my roommate, Bob, On time, I've ...

7 is not 11 unless you add the number 4, Then, you must add another 9 before you have a score, But, do not wait, There's an inflat...

I exercised for a very short while, By walking around my small domicile, But, the stamina required, Made me awfully tired, I collaps...

I dreamed of vacation as I sat on the lawn, But, all of my sources of income are gone, Then, the eyes in my head, Spied my old garden s...

If we are to survive then, it all depends, On whether we decide to be meanies or friends, We should all be nice, It's not much of ...

I hitched a ride to Mars, It cost me 6 cigars, I couldn't take my pets, That cost cigarettes, And, I'm saving those smokes f...

I have never been to Parrot:  its a thrift shop down the street, To go is a social demerit:  that's where poor people meet, Anyone c...

When it finally happens and it's the football time of year, I'll be watching from home decked out in Detroit Lions' gear, Al...

I saw old George the other day, He was off to find a dragon to slay, I asked to come along, Then, I'd post him in song, George l...

The Easter Rabbit came calling and said that I owed him money He said I stole a chocolate Easter egg and a white chocolate bunny, I deni...

Green is the broccoli I fry upon the stove, Browning is the fish I caught down at Sugar Cove,  My french fries soaked in grease, May o...

The sight Michiganders have seldom seen, Is the great yellow ball that turns white to green, Rumor has it, it does exist, Somewhere in...

This winter has been both big and tall, The snow was deep and great was it's sprawl, It was the longest winter I recall, I think o...

My pay is in the lower range, In fact, most weeks I'm paid with change, I mostly get tips, Like return bottle slips, Or, I shoul...

No one foretold of the tree that was old that fell on the cabin last year, Then, when the crushed cabin sold the new owners went bold, sta...

I went to the grocery store to buy some tuna fish, They only let me have two cans but, three was my wish, The tuna order was short that ...

I've spent my youth trying to complete my senior term, I would have made it this time but, my belly got a worm, The worm causes disc...

I paid too much for saltine crackers I bought new, I paid too much for oyster crackers I bought new too, Crackers are priced like high e...

I lost my tooth and the tooth fairy gave me only a dime, The tooth had a gold cap so, the fairy committed a crime, So, I took the tooth ...

In photos, why do thin people always stand next to me? They make me look huge since, I have their girth times three, I'm in a food h...

I should of been my brother's keeper, Told this was I by Grim The Reeper, I was terrible mean, Too late to come clean, I'll ...

I went to the grocery store at the end of March, All I could afford was a small box of starch, But, I'm glad it was present, To fee...

I went to my senior yearbook but, that was a bust, All of the pages had turned into dust, Of course it might be a win, For I never fit ...

I can't go to the store for an Easter ham, My main menu item is an expired canned yam, But, I will not morn,  I found a can of cre...

I dreamed the Easter Bunny brought me three cans of peas, He brought me three cans of corn and cough drops for disease, But, he brought ...

A large chocolate Easter bunny went hopping down the street, Starving little children watched with want for food to eat, So, I journeyed...

The eggs I have are powered to dust, For Easter I'll use them I suppose,  I must, There's no fresh eggs or fresh bacon, From t...

I declare my independence with my snow fort nation, Anyone who attacks will get a snowball ration, This ain't any gag, I've go...

After living forever under a vampire curse, I decided to escape to a multiverse, Through a portal I made my run, Found a verse with on...

When the family is all home the tensions rise and rise, And, as time wears on there's a good humor demise, At the end there are no mo...

I went fishing for steelhead in the wee early spring,  With a hook-line, the capture is a spiritual thing, A steely will lunge round log...

That tea just tasted so wrong, It wasn't brewed even that strong, Of course I knew it was old, When I scraped off the mold, It...

I went to the moon and built a basketball court,    I love to dunk baskets but, on earth I'm too short, Of course, my shots are too ...

I kept my baking powder very dry, So, I could bake my Apple pie, I use apples, cinnamon and cheese, I bake at 350 degrees, And, pile...

I pine and pine for my tree, It was an oak that disease made soul free, But, I loved it the most, And, I yearn for its ghost, To com...

I just saw a unicorn skipping across the farm, He went trespassing through my potato patch and did my taters harm, The taters became has...

I went out to the chicken coop and what beasts did I find, Two great big bears and they were unkind. They ate my rooster named Joe, An...

I stayed in place and ordered all of my stuff online, I emptied the boxes that came now, there's nowhere to dine, And, My liv...

Does anyone have clean underware? Or, are they all soiled because TP is rare? Of course it's best not roam, But, just stay to home...

Although I might be a poor choice chooser, And, some would define my state to be looser, But, I must protest, Because I'm on a que...

I was ordered to "shelter in place," Then, they cut the utilities at my shelter base, So, there I quietly stayed, For about ...

I had lots of pumpkins and bosc pears, So, I fed them to the local bears, Then, this grizzly comes along, It ate the local bears; that...

The rain fell down on the road, It froze: all wrecks were eventually towed, Deep ditches I feared, When the bottoms I neared, I fear...

I am in love but, I know scorn, I am ignored like the never born, Truly I must say, Love hurts in that special way, Like lacking tee...

Four ears of corn stuck out of the snow, Two turkeys took it for a free eat & go, But, the corn was just bait, Owned by an eagle a...

Tuesday, there will be record cold Wednesday, there will be plague, Thursday, that's when the stock's are sold, Friday's o...

I eat lots of pancakes which keeps me well fed, I ran out of maple syrup so I used cough syrup instead, The flavor made it a different d...

I bought some shoes with Velcro stick, It makes securing footwear so very quick, Those long complicated shoelaces, Would put me throug...

Nobody knows what fell in the trees, But, they say that my uncle crawled out on his knees, Was there an alien race? From deep outer sp...

Hiding in the woods dark green, Down below the forest spleen, Central music from the pond of frogs, Instinctively, the choir sings from...

I went to the Michigan primary and found my worst fear, I was in line behind Santa, his sleigh, elves and, deer, The elves and deer had ...

In my pretzel past, I was an overeater, I ate pretzel snacks with a pop, 1.5 liter, With all the pretzels I ate, I gained plenty of weigh...

Daylight savings means workers lose one morning hour, Most manage a breakfast but have no time for a shower, So, I just embrace, The sm...

I spied a pumpkin underneath a dead pine tree, There was no one around so, I figured it was free, I imagined it would be my sup, It co...

I went to the moon where I could find a great vacant land, Where the neighbors couldn't complain when I pretend I'm in band, Whe...

The Idea of March cometh soon in the year, That's when dear Brutus gifted Caesar a tear, Because he thought Caesar was wrong, Bru...

I went to the primary to cast my vote, There I learned my candidate was no longer afloat, So, I voted with a snore, Glad I found the e...

Long and cold are the February nights that comprise this 2020 Leap Year, And, adamantly we extol our rights to greet the 29th day with a je...

Oh, woe is me, I must eat healthier food, Less, I should become an unhealthy dude, My bacon-cheese potato, Is replaced by a salad with...