LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I pine and pine for my tree, It was an oak that disease made soul free, But, I loved it the most, And, I yearn for its ghost, To com...

I just saw a unicorn skipping across the farm, He went trespassing through my potato patch and did my taters harm, The taters became has...

I went out to the chicken coop and what beasts did I find, Two great big bears and they were unkind. They ate my rooster named Joe, An...

I stayed in place and ordered all of my stuff online, I emptied the boxes that came now, there's nowhere to dine, And, My liv...

Does anyone have clean underware? Or, are they all soiled because TP is rare? Of course it's best not roam, But, just stay to home...

Although I might be a poor choice chooser, And, some would define my state to be looser, But, I must protest, Because I'm on a que...

I was ordered to "shelter in place," Then, they cut the utilities at my shelter base, So, there I quietly stayed, For about ...

I had lots of pumpkins and bosc pears, So, I fed them to the local bears, Then, this grizzly comes along, It ate the local bears; that...

The rain fell down on the road, It froze: all wrecks were eventually towed, Deep ditches I feared, When the bottoms I neared, I fear...

I am in love but, I know scorn, I am ignored like the never born, Truly I must say, Love hurts in that special way, Like lacking tee...

Four ears of corn stuck out of the snow, Two turkeys took it for a free eat & go, But, the corn was just bait, Owned by an eagle a...

Tuesday, there will be record cold Wednesday, there will be plague, Thursday, that's when the stock's are sold, Friday's o...

I eat lots of pancakes which keeps me well fed, I ran out of maple syrup so I used cough syrup instead, The flavor made it a different d...

I bought some shoes with Velcro stick, It makes securing footwear so very quick, Those long complicated shoelaces, Would put me throug...

Nobody knows what fell in the trees, But, they say that my uncle crawled out on his knees, Was there an alien race? From deep outer sp...

Hiding in the woods dark green, Down below the forest spleen, Central music from the pond of frogs, Instinctively, the choir sings from...

I went to the Michigan primary and found my worst fear, I was in line behind Santa, his sleigh, elves and, deer, The elves and deer had ...

In my pretzel past, I was an overeater, I ate pretzel snacks with a pop, 1.5 liter, With all the pretzels I ate, I gained plenty of weigh...

Daylight savings means workers lose one morning hour, Most manage a breakfast but have no time for a shower, So, I just embrace, The sm...

I spied a pumpkin underneath a dead pine tree, There was no one around so, I figured it was free, I imagined it would be my sup, It co...

I went to the moon where I could find a great vacant land, Where the neighbors couldn't complain when I pretend I'm in band, Whe...

The Idea of March cometh soon in the year, That's when dear Brutus gifted Caesar a tear, Because he thought Caesar was wrong, Bru...

I went to the primary to cast my vote, There I learned my candidate was no longer afloat, So, I voted with a snore, Glad I found the e...

Long and cold are the February nights that comprise this 2020 Leap Year, And, adamantly we extol our rights to greet the 29th day with a je...

Oh, woe is me, I must eat healthier food, Less, I should become an unhealthy dude, My bacon-cheese potato, Is replaced by a salad with...

I married an old fish who came from the sea, He was a jolly old fish but, smelly was he, Perfumes and deodorants didn't take, I swear...

Lay me down my wig at night, lay me down my wig, Then, I'll chug down my bourbon and have my final cig,  Tomorrow I'll awaken wit...

Deary, deary, deary, dear, The worst has happened so, I fear, I met another because you're not here, I know you love me and you wi...

Santa got into his eggnog and delivered presets on the Fourth of July, Of course, everyone was glad to get presents so, no one asked Santa,...

Until I was six I could not use a chainsaw, Then, at age six I was a man so, said my pa, But, he did not express any charm, When I sliced...

He feeds them beans, And, turnip greens, Although my cousin is just a farmer, Among the ladies he's quite a charmer, Until roa...

Quoting poets or a special psalm, I can't find words for my precious mom, Although, she's been gone more than a year, On Mothe...

Out my window, I saw a lynx in my backyard, He ate a goose who was eating my swiss  chard, I didn't chase the lynx away, In fact, ...

Today I invented anti-gravity, I lost a tooth but, it had a big cavity, I just drove along and hit ice, The saucer rotation was nice, ...

Wendy baked a massive mince meat pie, It alerted my sniffer; there was love in my eye, If I am to prosper and live, Please, a pie piec...

What fish do I eat tonight? My goldfish is hanging with blight, My swordfish is floating, In some post mortem coating, And, my guppy...

I went to Kentucky to get me some snakes, The ones that have rattles, the ones used in quick cakes, I barely walked up a hill, And, fo...

I saw 4 men dressed as fish get out of a tank, They loaded their guns and went into a bank, Then, when they were done looting, They came ...

My tambourine doesn't tambour at all, It has a hole in the middle the size of a tether ball, I lost my job in a band, I live mouth...

What killed the bloodsucker I found on my arm? What's in my blood that did this fella harm? Was it the 10-year-old champagne? Or, ...

I ate fruits and veggies and bloated up really big, I caught the eye of farm animals like the cow and the pig, I told them I would not d...

I finally caught up with the gas giant near Orion's Belt, He had been cloning raisins then, he started to smuggle felt,  In the thir...

Old Murphy thought of his home in Cork far, far away, As he always did after the Ides of March on St. Patrick's Day, Although in Murp...

I am hunting down the gas giant for crimes that he's committed, In every galaxy he's passed through the police he has outwitted, ...

There was a vole under the snow, He ate the bark on my trees, the trees died and wouldn't grow, I tried forgiving thoughts but, my t...

I froze my nose, Then, off it goes, My new nose is steel, No sunburn, no peal,  I still snore when I doze.

My bow has no quiver with death sticks to deliver, I stand harmless in the snow with a shake and a shiver, Along comes a buck with a lar...

The Ides Of March come this way, With so many ex-wives I fear I am prey, They have long memories, my wives,  I fear their long knives,...

I am an investor in plastic beads, They are the savings for my future needs, I know my investment is sound, For they weigh up by the p...

Nine were wolves and ten were pigs, Nineteen souls dancing four-legged jigs, The wolves made their call, The pigs could only bawl, T...

I took a trip in a spacecraft called Private Enterprise, The smallness of Earth really opened my eyes, I then threw up my spaghetti, T...

I upgraded my coffee maker so it now has AI, If the coffee tastes bad I can ask the coffee maker"why?" Then, one sobering day,...

Two strawberries walked into a bar for some rye, A man with a bag of rhubarb gave them the eye, The man then rolled out some dough, Th...

On the last day of February I saw something yellow and bright, Then, a voice beyond the grave said, "walk into the light,"  Th...

Two deer walked into a bar, They wondered who owned the red car, It had run down their bud Jack, The driver didn't even look back,...

I dream of long, long ago, When I was not buried in all this snow, When the sun gave off a warm, golden glow, And, heating my home did...

I thought I saw an angel out playing in the snow, Alas, it was just a neighbor trying to get his blower to blow, I'd loan him my sno...

People talk about a hot star called the sun, It's just a legend told to children for fun, For the gale winds full of snow, Is all ...

A little vole climbed into my ear hole and ate my brains like candy, After the feast, that little beast relaxed with a fine glass of brand...

Poor old Mitchel lacked in brights, That's why he wore too tight his tights, Fed to his brain, Was constant pain, Worse than his...