LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Monday, March 30, 2020

I PINE AND PINE FOR MY TREE

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I pine and pine for my tree, It was an oak that disease made soul free, But, I loved it the most, And, I yearn for its ghost, To com...
Friday, March 27, 2020

DOG GONE UNICORN WILL BE MY HASH BROWNS RUIN

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I just saw a unicorn skipping across the farm, He went trespassing through my potato patch and did my taters harm, The taters became has...
Tuesday, March 24, 2020

BE KIND, BEARS

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I went out to the chicken coop and what beasts did I find, Two great big bears and they were unkind. They ate my rooster named Joe, An...

I ORDERED ONLINE AND I AIN'T DOING FINE

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I stayed in place and ordered all of my stuff online, I emptied the boxes that came now, there's nowhere to dine, And, My liv...
Sunday, March 22, 2020

DOES ANYONE HAVE CLEAN UNDERWARE?

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Does anyone have clean underware? Or, are they all soiled because TP is rare? Of course it's best not roam, But, just stay to home...
Saturday, March 21, 2020

I'M A DREAMER NOT A LOOSER limerick

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Although I might be a poor choice chooser, And, some would define my state to be looser, But, I must protest, Because I'm on a que...
Friday, March 20, 2020

I OVER SHELTERED IN PLACE

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I was ordered to "shelter in place," Then, they cut the utilities at my shelter base, So, there I quietly stayed, For about ...

ALONG CAME THE GRIZZLY BEAR

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I had lots of pumpkins and bosc pears, So, I fed them to the local bears, Then, this grizzly comes along, It ate the local bears; that...
Tuesday, March 17, 2020

WHAT THE RAIN BROUGHT

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The rain fell down on the road, It froze: all wrecks were eventually towed, Deep ditches I feared, When the bottoms I neared, I fear...
Sunday, March 15, 2020

WHAT'S CORN GOT TO DO WITH IT?

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I am in love but, I know scorn, I am ignored like the never born, Truly I must say, Love hurts in that special way, Like lacking tee...

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FREE CORN IN THE SNOW

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Four ears of corn stuck out of the snow, Two turkeys took it for a free eat & go, But, the corn was just bait, Owned by an eagle a...

PREDICTIONS

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Tuesday, there will be record cold Wednesday, there will be plague, Thursday, that's when the stock's are sold, Friday's o...
Saturday, March 14, 2020

IT'S WHAT'S IN THE SYRUP THAT COUNTS WITH PANCAKES

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I eat lots of pancakes which keeps me well fed, I ran out of maple syrup so I used cough syrup instead, The flavor made it a different d...

VELCRO QUICK

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I bought some shoes with Velcro stick, It makes securing footwear so very quick, Those long complicated shoelaces, Would put me throug...
Thursday, March 12, 2020

WHAT FELL IN THE TREES STAYS IN THE TREES

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Nobody knows what fell in the trees, But, they say that my uncle crawled out on his knees, Was there an alien race? From deep outer sp...
Wednesday, March 11, 2020

READ CAUTIOUSLY OR DEVINE EXPLANATION

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Hiding in the woods dark green, Down below the forest spleen, Central music from the pond of frogs, Instinctively, the choir sings from...
Tuesday, March 10, 2020

THE MICHIGAN PRIMARY: MY WORST FEAR CAME TRUE

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I went to the Michigan primary and found my worst fear, I was in line behind Santa, his sleigh, elves and, deer, The elves and deer had ...
Monday, March 9, 2020

MY PRETZEL PAST

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In my pretzel past, I was an overeater, I ate pretzel snacks with a pop, 1.5 liter, With all the pretzels I ate, I gained plenty of weigh...
Saturday, March 7, 2020

DON'T FORGET THE SPRAY ON DAYLIGHT SAVINGS DAY

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Daylight savings means workers lose one morning hour, Most manage a breakfast but have no time for a shower, So, I just embrace, The sm...

PUMPKIN SUP, NOT!

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I spied a pumpkin underneath a dead pine tree, There was no one around so, I figured it was free, I imagined it would be my sup, It co...
Friday, March 6, 2020

I WENT TO THE MOON TO PRACTICE

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I went to the moon where I could find a great vacant land, Where the neighbors couldn't complain when I pretend I'm in band, Whe...

THE IDES OF MARCH COMETH THEN, COMETH REVENGE

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The Idea of March cometh soon in the year, That's when dear Brutus gifted Caesar a tear, Because he thought Caesar was wrong, Bru...
Thursday, March 5, 2020

GOAT CHEESE AND MY PRIMARY EXPECTATIONS

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I went to the primary to cast my vote, There I learned my candidate was no longer afloat, So, I voted with a snore, Glad I found the e...
Friday, February 28, 2020

FOR WHOM IT IS DEAR, THE 2020 LEAP YEAR

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Long and cold are the February nights that comprise this 2020 Leap Year, And, adamantly we extol our rights to greet the 29th day with a je...
Tuesday, February 18, 2020

A FAREWELL TO MY BACON-WRAPED CHEESE-STUFFED POTATO

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Oh, woe is me, I must eat healthier food, Less, I should become an unhealthy dude, My bacon-cheese potato, Is replaced by a salad with...
Tuesday, January 28, 2020

I MARRIED THE OLD FISH FROM THE SEA

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I married an old fish who came from the sea, He was a jolly old fish but, smelly was he, Perfumes and deodorants didn't take, I swear...
Tuesday, November 5, 2019

LAY ME DOWN MY WIG

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Lay me down my wig at night, lay me down my wig, Then, I'll chug down my bourbon and have my final cig,  Tomorrow I'll awaken wit...
Sunday, September 1, 2019

FROM COLLEGE: LETTER TO MY HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND

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Deary, deary, deary, dear, The worst has happened so, I fear, I met another because you're not here, I know you love me and you wi...
Saturday, June 15, 2019

SANTA CAN'T HANDLE EGGNOG

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Santa got into his eggnog and delivered presets on the Fourth of July, Of course, everyone was glad to get presents so, no one asked Santa,...
Tuesday, June 4, 2019

666

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Until I was six I could not use a chainsaw, Then, at age six I was a man so, said my pa, But, he did not express any charm, When I sliced...
Thursday, May 30, 2019

COUSIN FARMER

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He feeds them beans, And, turnip greens, Although my cousin is just a farmer, Among the ladies he's quite a charmer, Until roa...
Wednesday, May 8, 2019

MOTHER'S DAY WITHOUT A MOM

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Quoting poets or a special psalm, I can't find words for my precious mom, Although, she's been gone more than a year, On Mothe...
Thursday, April 18, 2019

I SAW A LYNX IN MY BACKYARD

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Out my window, I saw a lynx in my backyard, He ate a goose who was eating my swiss  chard, I didn't chase the lynx away, In fact, ...
Friday, April 5, 2019

I INVENTED ANTI-GRAVITY

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Today I invented anti-gravity, I lost a tooth but, it had a big cavity, I just drove along and hit ice, The saucer rotation was nice, ...
Wednesday, April 3, 2019

I NEED A PIECE OF MINCE MEAT PIE

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Wendy baked a massive mince meat pie, It alerted my sniffer; there was love in my eye, If I am to prosper and live, Please, a pie piec...
Monday, April 1, 2019

MY CHOICES OF A FISH FOR SUPPER

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What fish do I eat tonight? My goldfish is hanging with blight, My swordfish is floating, In some post mortem coating, And, my guppy...

MY SECRET INGREDIENT TO QUICK CAKES

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I went to Kentucky to get me some snakes, The ones that have rattles, the ones used in quick cakes, I barely walked up a hill, And, fo...

APRIL FOOL'S AND THE FISH FACED ROBBERS

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I saw 4 men dressed as fish get out of a tank, They loaded their guns and went into a bank, Then, when they were done looting, They came ...
Friday, March 29, 2019

THE TAMBOURLESS TAMBOURINE

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My tambourine doesn't tambour at all, It has a hole in the middle the size of a tether ball, I lost my job in a band, I live mouth...
Saturday, March 23, 2019

WHAT KILLED THE BLOODSUCKER?

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What killed the bloodsucker I found on my arm? What's in my blood that did this fella harm? Was it the 10-year-old champagne? Or, ...
Tuesday, March 19, 2019

FARM DATES

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I ate fruits and veggies and bloated up really big, I caught the eye of farm animals like the cow and the pig, I told them I would not d...

THE GAS GIANT PART III

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I finally caught up with the gas giant near Orion's Belt, He had been cloning raisins then, he started to smuggle felt,  In the thir...
Sunday, March 17, 2019

OLD MURPHY LONGED FOR HOME ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY

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Old Murphy thought of his home in Cork far, far away, As he always did after the Ides of March on St. Patrick's Day, Although in Murp...

PURSUIT OF THE GAS GIANT II

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I am hunting down the gas giant for crimes that he's committed, In every galaxy he's passed through the police he has outwitted, ...
Tuesday, March 12, 2019

I PRAY FOR THE VOLE

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There was a vole under the snow, He ate the bark on my trees, the trees died and wouldn't grow, I tried forgiving thoughts but, my t...
Thursday, March 7, 2019

I FROZE MY NOSE

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I froze my nose, Then, off it goes, My new nose is steel, No sunburn, no peal,  I still snore when I doze.
Wednesday, March 6, 2019

WITH NO DEATH STICKS IN THE QUIVER, IT'S FAST DOWN THE RIVER

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My bow has no quiver with death sticks to deliver, I stand harmless in the snow with a shake and a shiver, Along comes a buck with a lar...
Tuesday, March 5, 2019

THE IDES OF MARCH COME THIS WAY

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The Ides Of March come this way, With so many ex-wives I fear I am prey, They have long memories, my wives,  I fear their long knives,...

PLASTIC BEADS FOR MY NEEDS

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I am an investor in plastic beads, They are the savings for my future needs, I know my investment is sound, For they weigh up by the p...
Monday, March 4, 2019

NINE WERE WOLVES AND TEN WERE PIGS

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Nine were wolves and ten were pigs, Nineteen souls dancing four-legged jigs, The wolves made their call, The pigs could only bawl, T...
Friday, March 1, 2019

A RIDE ON THE PRISE

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I took a trip in a spacecraft called Private Enterprise, The smallness of Earth really opened my eyes, I then threw up my spaghetti, T...
Thursday, February 28, 2019

AI MEANS COFFEE MAKER GOODBYE

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I upgraded my coffee maker so it now has AI, If the coffee tastes bad I can ask the coffee maker"why?" Then, one sobering day,...

TWO STRAWBERRIES WALKED INTO A BAR

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Two strawberries walked into a bar for some rye, A man with a bag of rhubarb gave them the eye, The man then rolled out some dough, Th...

THE FEBRUARY BRIGHT LIGHT

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On the last day of February I saw something yellow and bright, Then, a voice beyond the grave said, "walk into the light,"  Th...
Wednesday, February 27, 2019

TWO DEER WALKED INTO A BAR

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Two deer walked into a bar, They wondered who owned the red car, It had run down their bud Jack, The driver didn't even look back,...
Monday, February 25, 2019

I DREAM NO SNOW BUT, WHAT WILL I REAP?

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I dream of long, long ago, When I was not buried in all this snow, When the sun gave off a warm, golden glow, And, heating my home did...
Sunday, February 24, 2019

AN ANGEL PLAYING IN THE SNOW

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I thought I saw an angel out playing in the snow, Alas, it was just a neighbor trying to get his blower to blow, I'd loan him my sno...

WINTER LEGEND OF THE SUN

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People talk about a hot star called the sun, It's just a legend told to children for fun, For the gale winds full of snow, Is all ...

A VOLE IN THE HOLE

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A little vole climbed into my ear hole and ate my brains like candy, After the feast, that little beast relaxed with a fine glass of brand...

TIGHT PAIN

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Poor old Mitchel lacked in brights, That's why he wore too tight his tights, Fed to his brain, Was constant pain, Worse than his...
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Leigh Collin Brandt
Northern Michigan, United States
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