LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

My tambourine doesn't tambour at all, It has a hole in the middle the size of a tether ball, I lost my job in a band, I live mouth...

What killed the bloodsucker I found on my arm? What's in my blood that did this fella harm? Was it the 10-year-old champagne? Or, ...

I ate fruits and veggies and bloated up really big, I caught the eye of farm animals like the cow and the pig, I told them I would not d...

I finally caught up with the gas giant near Orion's Belt, He had been cloning raisins then, he started to smuggle felt,  In the thir...

Old Murphy thought of his home in Cork far, far away, As he always did after the Ides of March on St. Patrick's Day, Although in Murp...

I am hunting down the gas giant for crimes that he's committed, In every galaxy he's passed through the police he has outwitted, ...

There was a vole under the snow, He ate the bark on my trees, the trees died and wouldn't grow, I tried forgiving thoughts but, my t...

I froze my nose, Then, off it goes, My new nose is steel, No sunburn, no peal,  I still snore when I doze.

My bow has no quiver with death sticks to deliver, I stand harmless in the snow with a shake and a shiver, Along comes a buck with a lar...

The Ides Of March come this way, With so many ex-wives I fear I am prey, They have long memories, my wives,  I fear their long knives,...

I am an investor in plastic beads, They are the savings for my future needs, I know my investment is sound, For they weigh up by the p...

Nine were wolves and ten were pigs, Nineteen souls dancing four-legged jigs, The wolves made their call, The pigs could only bawl, T...

I took a trip in a spacecraft called Private Enterprise, The smallness of Earth really opened my eyes, I then threw up my spaghetti, T...

I upgraded my coffee maker so it now has AI, If the coffee tastes bad I can ask the coffee maker"why?" Then, one sobering day,...

Two strawberries walked into a bar for some rye, A man with a bag of rhubarb gave them the eye, The man then rolled out some dough, Th...

On the last day of February I saw something yellow and bright, Then, a voice beyond the grave said, "walk into the light,"  Th...

Two deer walked into a bar, They wondered who owned the red car, It had run down their bud Jack, The driver didn't even look back,...

I dream of long, long ago, When I was not buried in all this snow, When the sun gave off a warm, golden glow, And, heating my home did...

I thought I saw an angel out playing in the snow, Alas, it was just a neighbor trying to get his blower to blow, I'd loan him my sno...

People talk about a hot star called the sun, It's just a legend told to children for fun, For the gale winds full of snow, Is all ...

A little vole climbed into my ear hole and ate my brains like candy, After the feast, that little beast relaxed with a fine glass of brand...

Poor old Mitchel lacked in brights, That's why he wore too tight his tights, Fed to his brain, Was constant pain, Worse than his...

In the backwoods the language of gunfire go, If a bullet hits you it means one thing; a miss means hello, Don't bother to run, For...

I went to band camp and got spanked on the rear, It was because I didn't know Brahms'  birthday was near, Then, I got a hot show...

I don't think there is any truth hidden deep within a dream, Nor do I think future signs ride through space on a sunbeam, I don'...

It's been only six days and I've broken up all my toys, I guess I should not have been on Santa's list of good boys, Now, my...

I went to a school to get me some skills, But, the school just took all of my one dollar bills, Now, it's worse than before, I am ...

On my pontoon boat I went raiding with Vikings, We plundered Russia, and England and France, Now to the rough life I've taken the li...

Vanderbilt was the spider king, He knew so cause he had the royal ring, But, he got caught in a web, Spun by his big sister Deb, Now, sh...

I was an astronaut who passed flagellant gasses, Which disturbed the gravitational masses, So, they sent me out the airlock, Where the...

John collected colored gun powder because it was pretty, He displayed the powder in clear jars to tell guests he was witty, But, John...

I went to the grocer but his prices were high, I said with my small budget those prices wouldn't fly, The grocer said, "my costs ...

Most in the press make the wrong assumption, They think we want government destroyed by revolt and injunction, But, just listen please, P...

The rain poured down from a sky that was blue, There wasn't a cloud so I thought the rain was untrue, But, right overhead, An air ...

When I walked through my carpet my bare feet got lots of bites, I was not sure if they were ticks or fleas or maybe spider mites, I went...

I finds this bucket I can use with my mop, So, on the floor soapy water over bucket I slop,  But, the water seemed thick, And, my floo...

In my coffee I found nuggets colored brown, And, I bought my coffee when I was downtown, Now, the nuggets had a rat flavor, Like feces...

I did not spray the almond tree, I did not wash the goose, I did not pick the tomato worms, I did not spay the spruce, I think the...

If you want friends at dinner's bell, Then, choose your macaroni well, And, if you really want to please, Use a tomato sauce a...

My magazine subscriptions have run amok, I signed up for free mags but now I'm stuck, Now, stress thoughts start to hover, For my ...

The Theateratrica Theater was felled to the ground, Turned into pavement for the local dog pound, And, all those memories stored, Were...

I went to the racetrack to watch others race, I'd race myself but, I can't keep up the pace, I raced in high school, And, was ...

For purposes around nights' mid, We all carouse to feed our id, We also binge eat, Pizza with cheese/meat, Sucking soda through ...

I struggled to get up the hill, To pick me a sack full of dill, For I had sour pickles to can, And, bought dill was a ban, For, I ha...

Oh my pretty tree has fallen, Now the fungi come a callin', Fungi are aggressive dears, Who grow big obtrusive ears, While fungi...

I once was a masterful dancer of tap, My best work I did to the music of rap, But, then something went wrong, When, music all went sin...

I went out into my garden to pick some rosies, But, there was a tempest around all of my posies, And, what could I do? I hadn't a c...

The pickle made a false statement, It said that it was sweet, But, when I bit into it, It was so sour, what deceit!  So, I sued th...

My acorns were empty; they've all rotted out, The squirrels were hungry and I have with them no clout, Next, they were looking at me...

I did back to school shopping all of it, online, I got the stuff and it was just fine, Overall, it took only two days, The time saved ...

I could not save my hair today, No cold creams rubbed my wrinkles away, My mental state? I'm confused of late, And, I lost anoth...

Digger Dog the potato pooch, Dug potators for his master's hooch, Hooch made the master thrilled, One of the actor's guild, ...

Speeding down the highway I did swerve, Forming a geodesic curve, Things became tense. There was suspense, But, lying helpless I showed ...

I had a whiskey that was brown, I had a whiskey that was clear, I had a whiskey that was a rusty haze, Then, my kidneys kicked into h...

My boat was a dingy and it floated away, I forgot to secure it at the dock in the bay, And, wherever it be, I hope that the sea, Tak...

In the early morn when the mind is still dreamy, The outhouse sat all quiet and steamy, It sat by a quaint brook, A nice place to read...

I do not think it very nice, That someone stole my online device, Now, all know my contacts I.D.'s, From the A's to the Z'...

If you have some problem then, Come and visit me,  For, somewhere in my short stories, poems and limericks, I might have some comfort ...

Dim-bulb Davis and his gang of ten, Thought a good fight would prove they were men, So, after a day of drinking whiskey and wine, They ...

In the crawlspace I made a crawl, That's where I found my best haul, I found some old toys, That brought me back ancient joys, O...