LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I went to a school to get me some skills, But, the school just took all of my one dollar bills, Now, it's worse than before, I am ...

On my pontoon boat I went raiding with Vikings, We plundered Russia, and England and France, Now to the rough life I've taken the li...

Vanderbilt was the spider king, He knew so cause he had the royal ring, But, he got caught in a web, Spun by his big sister Deb, Now, sh...

I was an astronaut who passed flagellant gasses, Which disturbed the gravitational masses, So, they sent me out the airlock, Where the...

John collected colored gun powder because it was pretty, He displayed the powder in clear jars to tell guests he was witty, But, John...

I went to the grocer but his prices were high, I said with my small budget those prices wouldn't fly, The grocer said, "my costs ...

Most in the press make the wrong assumption, They think we want government destroyed by revolt and injunction, But, just listen please, P...

The rain poured down from a sky that was blue, There wasn't a cloud so I thought the rain was untrue, But, right overhead, An air ...

When I walked through my carpet my bare feet got lots of bites, I was not sure if they were ticks or fleas or maybe spider mites, I went...

I finds this bucket I can use with my mop, So, on the floor soapy water over bucket I slop,  But, the water seemed thick, And, my floo...

In my coffee I found nuggets colored brown, And, I bought my coffee when I was downtown, Now, the nuggets had a rat flavor, Like feces...

I did not spray the almond tree, I did not wash the goose, I did not pick the tomato worms, I did not spay the spruce, I think the...

If you want friends at dinner's bell, Then, choose your macaroni well, And, if you really want to please, Use a tomato sauce a...

My magazine subscriptions have run amok, I signed up for free mags but now I'm stuck, Now, stress thoughts start to hover, For my ...

The Theateratrica Theater was felled to the ground, Turned into pavement for the local dog pound, And, all those memories stored, Were...

I went to the racetrack to watch others race, I'd race myself but, I can't keep up the pace, I raced in high school, And, was ...

For purposes around nights' mid, We all carouse to feed our id, We also binge eat, Pizza with cheese/meat, Sucking soda through ...

I struggled to get up the hill, To pick me a sack full of dill, For I had sour pickles to can, And, bought dill was a ban, For, I ha...

Oh my pretty tree has fallen, Now the fungi come a callin', Fungi are aggressive dears, Who grow big obtrusive ears, While fungi...

I once was a masterful dancer of tap, My best work I did to the music of rap, But, then something went wrong, When, music all went sin...

I went out into my garden to pick some rosies, But, there was a tempest around all of my posies, And, what could I do? I hadn't a c...

The pickle made a false statement, It said that it was sweet, But, when I bit into it, It was so sour, what deceit!  So, I sued th...

My acorns were empty; they've all rotted out, The squirrels were hungry and I have with them no clout, Next, they were looking at me...

I did back to school shopping all of it, online, I got the stuff and it was just fine, Overall, it took only two days, The time saved ...

I could not save my hair today, No cold creams rubbed my wrinkles away, My mental state? I'm confused of late, And, I lost anoth...

Digger Dog the potato pooch, Dug potators for his master's hooch, Hooch made the master thrilled, One of the actor's guild, ...

Speeding down the highway I did swerve, Forming a geodesic curve, Things became tense. There was suspense, But, lying helpless I showed ...

I had a whiskey that was brown, I had a whiskey that was clear, I had a whiskey that was a rusty haze, Then, my kidneys kicked into h...

My boat was a dingy and it floated away, I forgot to secure it at the dock in the bay, And, wherever it be, I hope that the sea, Tak...

In the early morn when the mind is still dreamy, The outhouse sat all quiet and steamy, It sat by a quaint brook, A nice place to read...

I do not think it very nice, That someone stole my online device, Now, all know my contacts I.D.'s, From the A's to the Z'...

If you have some problem then, Come and visit me,  For, somewhere in my short stories, poems and limericks, I might have some comfort ...

Dim-bulb Davis and his gang of ten, Thought a good fight would prove they were men, So, after a day of drinking whiskey and wine, They ...

In the crawlspace I made a crawl, That's where I found my best haul, I found some old toys, That brought me back ancient joys, O...

In the garden there was a lonely blackberry vine, It found a vine of raspberries and there was an intertwine, The resulting affair, Ca...

Over Grand Traverse Bay they did fly, The Blue Angels way up in the sky, And, although they make one proud and happy, Their stunts can...

I have so little change in my back pants pocket, I cannot buy a fireworks rocket, From my job I had to resign, My credit's in decl...

While at the kitchen table sitin', Methinks Michigan is just one big mitten,  But, there's no fingers to count, For a five fin...

Little Gorgon turned to stone, Everyone with a cell phone, And, Gorgon was bold, She turned some to gold, If they ate an ice cream c...

Everyone wakes up with the purpose "to do," Things done before and things that are new, And, we all make a list, Goals in th...

Four cakes are the most that I'll bake in a day, I can bake twelve dozen donuts before I have to play, I can knead ten loaves of bre...

My concrete driveway is not at all flat, In the middle it bulges up fat, And, the ends are so thin, About as thick as a pin, They cr...

Over there on the far side of the road, There's a fish, two crawdads, a snake and a toad, The crawdads are in the fish's belly, ...

Painting, pottery, Rock garden, lily, iris, My mom was once here.

I'd take a typewriter over a computer if I could choose, A typewriter's a delicate instrument I hated to loose, But, along came ...

Little Gorgon turned to stone, Every singing baritone, And, every soprano, Backed up by piano, Sang like bangs on a xylophone.

I have venison in my freezer,  I have venison on my grill, I've dried venison, I've canned venison, I've powdered veniso...

If tether-ball were an Olympic sport, Then on TV I'd be on report, For I always win, I'd kick tall guys in the shin, The res...

A cutworm cut off my tomato plants, And, left the tops to wither and die, Then, when I saw my dead tomato plants, I began to cry and cr...

I went to Alaska to meet with the bears, I stood up beside them for lacking, were chairs, But, they were up to no good, They chased me...

I wanted to retrieve a new red potato, But, when I lunged downy my hand I drew up an alligator, Now, the alligator was small, But, my ...

There weren't many spots on that leopard, That made me unemployed as a Sheppard, For he slew all of my sheep, Left me nothing to k...

If you find that among upscale socialites you're not a winner, Then, invite a tyrannosaur to dinner, He might traumatize, But, it w...

My tiki torch burned down real low, Until it was just a tiki glow, But, it made mad a big bear, For the tiki fouled his clean air, And b...

My fishing line got caught up in a tree, I haven't done that since I was two or three, My dad would retrieve the line with an ax, ...

My whistle was wet but, my fishing gear was all dry, For I fell overboard when my aft turned awry, Of course it was not a good day, Fo...

My grandfather fought in World War One, He got gassed by the Germans and found out that war was not fun,  And, for twenty-one days, In ...

Overtures to the waters that surround the great mitten, For across these waters Paul Bunyan went spittin', But, Bunyan spit way too...

I dreamed I had a haircut and my beard was cut so fine, I got compliments for neatness by those not drinking beer nor wine,  But, what i...

With too much water, he might drink, A little turtle just might sink, And, while diving deep, He just might sleep, And, dream of sea...