LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

The pickle made a false statement, It said that it was sweet, But, when I bit into it, It was so sour, what deceit!  So, I sued th...

My acorns were empty; they've all rotted out, The squirrels were hungry and I have with them no clout, Next, they were looking at me...

I did back to school shopping all of it, online, I got the stuff and it was just fine, Overall, it took only two days, The time saved ...

I could not save my hair today, No cold creams rubbed my wrinkles away, My mental state? I'm confused of late, And, I lost anoth...

Digger Dog the potato pooch, Dug potators for his master's hooch, Hooch made the master thrilled, One of the actor's guild, ...

Speeding down the highway I did swerve, Forming a geodesic curve, Things became tense. There was suspense, But, lying helpless I showed ...

I had a whiskey that was brown, I had a whiskey that was clear, I had a whiskey that was a rusty haze, Then, my kidneys kicked into h...

My boat was a dingy and it floated away, I forgot to secure it at the dock in the bay, And, wherever it be, I hope that the sea, Tak...

In the early morn when the mind is still dreamy, The outhouse sat all quiet and steamy, It sat by a quaint brook, A nice place to read...

I do not think it very nice, That someone stole my online device, Now, all know my contacts I.D.'s, From the A's to the Z'...

If you have some problem then, Come and visit me,  For, somewhere in my short stories, poems and limericks, I might have some comfort ...

Dim-bulb Davis and his gang of ten, Thought a good fight would prove they were men, So, after a day of drinking whiskey and wine, They ...

In the crawlspace I made a crawl, That's where I found my best haul, I found some old toys, That brought me back ancient joys, O...

In the garden there was a lonely blackberry vine, It found a vine of raspberries and there was an intertwine, The resulting affair, Ca...

Over Grand Traverse Bay they did fly, The Blue Angels way up in the sky, And, although they make one proud and happy, Their stunts can...

I have so little change in my back pants pocket, I cannot buy a fireworks rocket, From my job I had to resign, My credit's in decl...

While at the kitchen table sitin', Methinks Michigan is just one big mitten,  But, there's no fingers to count, For a five fin...

Little Gorgon turned to stone, Everyone with a cell phone, And, Gorgon was bold, She turned some to gold, If they ate an ice cream c...

Everyone wakes up with the purpose "to do," Things done before and things that are new, And, we all make a list, Goals in th...

Four cakes are the most that I'll bake in a day, I can bake twelve dozen donuts before I have to play, I can knead ten loaves of bre...

My concrete driveway is not at all flat, In the middle it bulges up fat, And, the ends are so thin, About as thick as a pin, They cr...

Over there on the far side of the road, There's a fish, two crawdads, a snake and a toad, The crawdads are in the fish's belly, ...

Painting, pottery, Rock garden, lily, iris, My mom was once here.

I'd take a typewriter over a computer if I could choose, A typewriter's a delicate instrument I hated to loose, But, along came ...

Little Gorgon turned to stone, Every singing baritone, And, every soprano, Backed up by piano, Sang like bangs on a xylophone.

I have venison in my freezer,  I have venison on my grill, I've dried venison, I've canned venison, I've powdered veniso...

If tether-ball were an Olympic sport, Then on TV I'd be on report, For I always win, I'd kick tall guys in the shin, The res...

A cutworm cut off my tomato plants, And, left the tops to wither and die, Then, when I saw my dead tomato plants, I began to cry and cr...

I went to Alaska to meet with the bears, I stood up beside them for lacking, were chairs, But, they were up to no good, They chased me...

I wanted to retrieve a new red potato, But, when I lunged downy my hand I drew up an alligator, Now, the alligator was small, But, my ...

There weren't many spots on that leopard, That made me unemployed as a Sheppard, For he slew all of my sheep, Left me nothing to k...

If you find that among upscale socialites you're not a winner, Then, invite a tyrannosaur to dinner, He might traumatize, But, it w...

My tiki torch burned down real low, Until it was just a tiki glow, But, it made mad a big bear, For the tiki fouled his clean air, And b...

My fishing line got caught up in a tree, I haven't done that since I was two or three, My dad would retrieve the line with an ax, ...

My whistle was wet but, my fishing gear was all dry, For I fell overboard when my aft turned awry, Of course it was not a good day, Fo...

My grandfather fought in World War One, He got gassed by the Germans and found out that war was not fun,  And, for twenty-one days, In ...

Overtures to the waters that surround the great mitten, For across these waters Paul Bunyan went spittin', But, Bunyan spit way too...

I dreamed I had a haircut and my beard was cut so fine, I got compliments for neatness by those not drinking beer nor wine,  But, what i...

With too much water, he might drink, A little turtle just might sink, And, while diving deep, He just might sleep, And, dream of sea...

Oh, that poor little fish in my pouch tuna treat, You see, I eat fish everyday and I never eat meat, But, while in my stomach lying, Th...

As they gaze out their outhouse portal, Many people dream of being immortal, But, a firm rap on the door, And, you wish you could stay...

I saw some claiming to be antique pickers, Buying up twelfth century knickers, But, pickers should curtail, Their penchant for resale,...

In the North there was a man who did taxidermy, He resurrected his critters before the pelts got all wormy, Some thought he was nuts, ...

Wanting more like Oliver Twist I keep mushroom hunts on my to do list, But, no mushrooms, so sad,  I guess the soil's gone real ba...

Jim is very poor at driving down the road, He swerved his car because he thought he saw a toad, Jim swerved into the other lane, Where...

Mother's Day oh, Mother's Day, More than flowers for mothers in May, For all we conceive, And, all we achieve, We celebrate ...

As I was walking in the rain, On the sidewalk white and plain, The water ran into the drain, And, I thought that it was just insane, ...

In the backwoods it's Mother's Day, But, that's no time for ma to play, Her family has got to eat, So, prepare the mince m...

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor, It scattered pieces from the TV to the door, The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase, Bu...

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves, He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves, He got tired one day, From his hard work at ...

Hurrah feet for the load you're bearing, Alas, tender are the feet I'm wearing, Of course I'm a big winier, But, my feet...

Lockliel played the trumpet from end to end hour, The more that he played the less his money shower, And, one wonderful day, The polic...

Battery acid does great harm, It burned a scar across my arm, It burned a hole in my tongue and cheek, What relief did I seek?, Of...

We're the parents of a TV fly, When we see him cross the tube it makes us cry, We're afraid he'll be a rotter, After a hit...

I've ceased watching all cooking shows, Because, when I watch my waste line grows and grows, I sold cooking utensils so dear, It m...

When I went out to mow my sod, In my ear I stuck my pod, I quenched my brain with tunes, Turned my grasslands into dunes, Then, went in ...

I think that I will quit wearing my hat, Because, that's where the mice keep leaving their scat, But, there is just a wrinkle, For...

I took a walk in the forest but, took the wrong trail,  Then, I heard something howl then swished it's big tail, I looked toward a gi...

I went to Laredo to find me some soup, I heard they had cows that were deep in their scoop, For I seek fertilizer, I like the wet stuf...

If your teeth are green and black, Keep your mouth shut to avoid attack, From those having teeth whitey white, Who brush for a  cavity...