LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

My whistle was wet but, my fishing gear was all dry, For I fell overboard when my aft turned awry, Of course it was not a good day, Fo...

My grandfather fought in World War One, He got gassed by the Germans and found out that war was not fun,  And, for twenty-one days, In ...

Overtures to the waters that surround the great mitten, For across these waters Paul Bunyan went spittin', But, Bunyan spit way too...

I dreamed I had a haircut and my beard was cut so fine, I got compliments for neatness by those not drinking beer nor wine,  But, what i...

With too much water, he might drink, A little turtle just might sink, And, while diving deep, He just might sleep, And, dream of sea...

Oh, that poor little fish in my pouch tuna treat, You see, I eat fish everyday and I never eat meat, But, while in my stomach lying, Th...

As they gaze out their outhouse portal, Many people dream of being immortal, But, a firm rap on the door, And, you wish you could stay...

I saw some claiming to be antique pickers, Buying up twelfth century knickers, But, pickers should curtail, Their penchant for resale,...

In the North there was a man who did taxidermy, He resurrected his critters before the pelts got all wormy, Some thought he was nuts, ...

Wanting more like Oliver Twist I keep mushroom hunts on my to do list, But, no mushrooms, so sad,  I guess the soil's gone real ba...

Jim is very poor at driving down the road, He swerved his car because he thought he saw a toad, Jim swerved into the other lane, Where...

Mother's Day oh, Mother's Day, More than flowers for mothers in May, For all we conceive, And, all we achieve, We celebrate ...

As I was walking in the rain, On the sidewalk white and plain, The water ran into the drain, And, I thought that it was just insane, ...

In the backwoods it's Mother's Day, But, that's no time for ma to play, Her family has got to eat, So, prepare the mince m...

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor, It scattered pieces from the TV to the door, The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase, Bu...

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves, He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves, He got tired one day, From his hard work at ...

Hurrah feet for the load you're bearing, Alas, tender are the feet I'm wearing, Of course I'm a big winier, But, my feet...

Lockliel played the trumpet from end to end hour, The more that he played the less his money shower, And, one wonderful day, The polic...

Battery acid does great harm, It burned a scar across my arm, It burned a hole in my tongue and cheek, What relief did I seek?, Of...

We're the parents of a TV fly, When we see him cross the tube it makes us cry, We're afraid he'll be a rotter, After a hit...

I've ceased watching all cooking shows, Because, when I watch my waste line grows and grows, I sold cooking utensils so dear, It m...

When I went out to mow my sod, In my ear I stuck my pod, I quenched my brain with tunes, Turned my grasslands into dunes, Then, went in ...

I think that I will quit wearing my hat, Because, that's where the mice keep leaving their scat, But, there is just a wrinkle, For...

I took a walk in the forest but, took the wrong trail,  Then, I heard something howl then swished it's big tail, I looked toward a gi...

I went to Laredo to find me some soup, I heard they had cows that were deep in their scoop, For I seek fertilizer, I like the wet stuf...

If your teeth are green and black, Keep your mouth shut to avoid attack, From those having teeth whitey white, Who brush for a  cavity...

My umbrella failed, When a tornado came along my umb sailed, Not wanting to up-flow, I let my umb go, Then it rained, then snowed an...

I spilled tomato juice on my mince meat pie, It dis-flavored the mince meat and I thought I would die, And, my mince meat pie ala mode, ...

My steak knives are so incredibly dull, The fat on my steaks my knives will not cull,  My steaks tremble with terror, For I'm the ...

Sometimes pillows are way to soft, Sometimes they are hard as a rock, Sometimes pillows slip off the bed in my loft, While all night I...

The jurors are out they say, As to where Santa summers his sleigh, I think it's a pity, If it's not Traverse City, Where he ...

No one ate nearly as much as Big Jim, In his gut a tapeworm was taking  a swim, And, Big Jim got so skinny, Shopped cloths stores for ...

I'm waiting for my trickle-down raise, Although, my boss says a raise would be out of phase, For long, long before, I'll get p...

We don't have much fancy in my neck of the woods, We don't have much money and ain't got many goods, And, everything we find...

I built my house with borrowed nails, I must of borrowed pails and pails, Now, some want their nails back, That will leave me with som...

I lost my money in shadow banking, While the markets rose my account was tanking, Of course when the markets eroded, My account  then imp...

My pole barn had a brand new floor, It was made of ice and nothing more, It worked great most of the year, But, when warm weather got ...

I drew a line in the sand, I did it with a stick in my hand, I'm not sure what for? Maybe I'm going to war, I think my noodl...

In a cornfield I stood worried about what to eat, When, my boots started sinking into a pile of corncrete, I wretched I thought, For t...

I got an Easter basket but, I do not have any shoes, I can't use my basket for footwear because it did not come in twos, My feet are...

My uncle Jay Jay, Bleached his toupee, Now his hair is all white, Like his daddy Ray Ray, My uncle Jay Jay, Played his trumpet a...

There was a little possum we all knew as Begonia,  Her actual name was a rhyme known as Sonja, She did not like Traverse City, Thought...

A giant tuna way out in the sea, Swam up the river for me, I hooked him in the lip, Pulled him on shore in mid-flip,  Now, I'll ...

Benny broke an earlobe, Now it's an ear flap, Whoever heard of breaking an earlobe? By wearing a too tight baseball cap.

Many people fell for the scheme, Of trying to buy canker cream, Buy, why should you try it, Just go change things in your diet, Save...

Poor Sam had a mouth full of cankers, They were puffy and not pinchers or yankers, The suave to make they go away, Was much more than ...

When I was fishing out on the ice, A thing happened that made me think twice, For, up from the ice hole,  Came a giant snake with a ro...

I bought me some throat lounges but, my throat is still sore, It feels like some elf gave my throat a tear and a tore, I wish the weath...

The concrete mushroom in my yard, Gave inspiration to the local bard, But, it seems awful wrong, For a concrete mushroom song, When ...

When Miller stopped at the Biergarten House, He tarried there instead of going home to his spouse, Which made his lonely spouse sob, T...

The plant shut down and Dan was sent out the door, He purloined some bath tissue to even the score, But, he was caught with his booty, ...

There's lots of wiggle room in my wallet, I'm broke and don't know what else to call it, But, I'm soon to get pay, The...

Many people believe that their lives are a mess, To the fairies of failure they kneel to and confess, Of course, all the silver and gold...

My little dog named Sam, Diving for pearls he swam, But, no oysters, no pearls, Still, he got attention from girls, "He's m...

My sinuses are on the decline, I drank wine which makes them not fine, But, when I drink beer, My sinuses are of raw cheer, So, with...

When my eyes let go some tears, Before me a tissue box soon appears, But, the tissue the box wouldn't let go, And, with a full nose...

That chicken just won't fly, It's wings are clipped and it's about to fry, And, when it's breast is frying done, I hav...

I drank snow water and it was so cold, My throat froze and I was not sold, I want my water hotter, Save the cold for an otter, My dr...

I entered a beauty contest, And, I gave it all of my best, But, I had disproportional stacking, And, way too much backing, Of course...

I thought I was going to die, When my tailor stuck a needle in my thigh, It hurt so bad I had to cry, Then, I looked at my tailor and ...