LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I think that I will quit wearing my hat, Because, that's where the mice keep leaving their scat, But, there is just a wrinkle, For...

I took a walk in the forest but, took the wrong trail,  Then, I heard something howl then swished it's big tail, I looked toward a gi...

I went to Laredo to find me some soup, I heard they had cows that were deep in their scoop, For I seek fertilizer, I like the wet stuf...

If your teeth are green and black, Keep your mouth shut to avoid attack, From those having teeth whitey white, Who brush for a  cavity...

My umbrella failed, When a tornado came along my umb sailed, Not wanting to up-flow, I let my umb go, Then it rained, then snowed an...

I spilled tomato juice on my mince meat pie, It dis-flavored the mince meat and I thought I would die, And, my mince meat pie ala mode, ...

My steak knives are so incredibly dull, The fat on my steaks my knives will not cull,  My steaks tremble with terror, For I'm the ...

Sometimes pillows are way to soft, Sometimes they are hard as a rock, Sometimes pillows slip off the bed in my loft, While all night I...

The jurors are out they say, As to where Santa summers his sleigh, I think it's a pity, If it's not Traverse City, Where he ...

No one ate nearly as much as Big Jim, In his gut a tapeworm was taking  a swim, And, Big Jim got so skinny, Shopped cloths stores for ...

I'm waiting for my trickle-down raise, Although, my boss says a raise would be out of phase, For long, long before, I'll get p...

We don't have much fancy in my neck of the woods, We don't have much money and ain't got many goods, And, everything we find...

I built my house with borrowed nails, I must of borrowed pails and pails, Now, some want their nails back, That will leave me with som...

I lost my money in shadow banking, While the markets rose my account was tanking, Of course when the markets eroded, My account  then imp...

My pole barn had a brand new floor, It was made of ice and nothing more, It worked great most of the year, But, when warm weather got ...

I drew a line in the sand, I did it with a stick in my hand, I'm not sure what for? Maybe I'm going to war, I think my noodl...

In a cornfield I stood worried about what to eat, When, my boots started sinking into a pile of corncrete, I wretched I thought, For t...

I got an Easter basket but, I do not have any shoes, I can't use my basket for footwear because it did not come in twos, My feet are...

My uncle Jay Jay, Bleached his toupee, Now his hair is all white, Like his daddy Ray Ray, My uncle Jay Jay, Played his trumpet a...

There was a little possum we all knew as Begonia,  Her actual name was a rhyme known as Sonja, She did not like Traverse City, Thought...

A giant tuna way out in the sea, Swam up the river for me, I hooked him in the lip, Pulled him on shore in mid-flip,  Now, I'll ...

Benny broke an earlobe, Now it's an ear flap, Whoever heard of breaking an earlobe? By wearing a too tight baseball cap.

Many people fell for the scheme, Of trying to buy canker cream, Buy, why should you try it, Just go change things in your diet, Save...

Poor Sam had a mouth full of cankers, They were puffy and not pinchers or yankers, The suave to make they go away, Was much more than ...

When I was fishing out on the ice, A thing happened that made me think twice, For, up from the ice hole,  Came a giant snake with a ro...

I bought me some throat lounges but, my throat is still sore, It feels like some elf gave my throat a tear and a tore, I wish the weath...

The concrete mushroom in my yard, Gave inspiration to the local bard, But, it seems awful wrong, For a concrete mushroom song, When ...

When Miller stopped at the Biergarten House, He tarried there instead of going home to his spouse, Which made his lonely spouse sob, T...

The plant shut down and Dan was sent out the door, He purloined some bath tissue to even the score, But, he was caught with his booty, ...

There's lots of wiggle room in my wallet, I'm broke and don't know what else to call it, But, I'm soon to get pay, The...

Many people believe that their lives are a mess, To the fairies of failure they kneel to and confess, Of course, all the silver and gold...

My little dog named Sam, Diving for pearls he swam, But, no oysters, no pearls, Still, he got attention from girls, "He's m...

My sinuses are on the decline, I drank wine which makes them not fine, But, when I drink beer, My sinuses are of raw cheer, So, with...

When my eyes let go some tears, Before me a tissue box soon appears, But, the tissue the box wouldn't let go, And, with a full nose...

That chicken just won't fly, It's wings are clipped and it's about to fry, And, when it's breast is frying done, I hav...

I drank snow water and it was so cold, My throat froze and I was not sold, I want my water hotter, Save the cold for an otter, My dr...

I entered a beauty contest, And, I gave it all of my best, But, I had disproportional stacking, And, way too much backing, Of course...

I thought I was going to die, When my tailor stuck a needle in my thigh, It hurt so bad I had to cry, Then, I looked at my tailor and ...

In Midland they have an old saying, In Clare it's a law worth obeying, Don't eat any old Christmas wreath, For it will green u...

Because of frequent spills, I ran out of my prescription pills, When I asked to replace, My insurance said "face," So, rep...

For the sparrow it was up, his number, He was frozen to a dead branch in slumber, His life had past, So brief, so fast, One dead bir...

I found the nether world online, A place where pop and chips recline, It's a place to slumber, With re-attributed lumber, Where ...

Bobby was not well attended, When he broke his arm it barely mended, The doc's degree they say, The doc won on eBay, "Highe...

I caught a snowman fishing in my shanty on the lake, He had caught fifty perch, it was a really great take, But, he would not share, So, ...

It's January One and it is the worst, The new year has begun and it's already the first, Auld Lang Syne we have sang, And, I h...

I had poor planning on my New Year's Eve, Thin ice lost me my sled on Little Lake Steve, And, deep the motor went humming, Be there...

I like tuna fish but, the family will not touch, I say it's the perfect fish but, they say the fish taste is too much, So, tuna fish...

George waited to see the New Year, He drank fifty cans of light beer, To the bathroom he went, He stayed in there 'till Lent, So he ...

I made a limerick up last week, Its rhymes were solid but rhythms weak, It wasn’t funny, Or sad or sunny, And, its wisdom you would not ...

Canning tomatoes, Big mess on counter and floor, Spoiled, belly ache.

There was a band that played too loud, They were really bad but, quite proud, They could not rap, Nor rhythm tap, They could never did d...

My pretty pet pig felt so forsaken, When her boyfriend was sold for back bacon, I fed her a lunch, It was bacon,” crunch, crunch”, She w...

Once I was a young belligerent fool, My refrigerant filled veins I thought were cool, I was a well meaning gent, But, my opinions were...

In Michigan you don't get much fall, Fall is hardly a season at all, Fall is just a small splinter, Between summer and winter, And, ...

Santa went fishing way out on a bay, He ran out of bait so he used his tope, He caught a big steelhead trout, His tope went to the bottom...

Why not live on the deep dark web, The deep dark web's for me, Why not live on the deep dark web, Where the media all comes free, I...

I sat in my yard swing giving four hours to a whittle, Carving a fish bait to the size of a skittle, Now, some think I should do more, Th...

Henry went fishing with his rubber crawlers, They work really well behind fishing traulers, Just tie on the harness for the worm, Watch h...

My computer is slowing way down, My smile is now a stiff frown, Could  it be  a virus today? Or, the net's slow with E-bay? I'm ...

A well dressed catfish showed up at my party, We played clue and that catfish was a smarty, He always knew which weapon and room, And ...