LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I entered a beauty contest, And, I gave it all of my best, But, I had disproportional stacking, And, way too much backing, Of course...

I thought I was going to die, When my tailor stuck a needle in my thigh, It hurt so bad I had to cry, Then, I looked at my tailor and ...

In Midland they have an old saying, In Clare it's a law worth obeying, Don't eat any old Christmas wreath, For it will green u...

Because of frequent spills, I ran out of my prescription pills, When I asked to replace, My insurance said "face," So, rep...

For the sparrow it was up, his number, He was frozen to a dead branch in slumber, His life had past, So brief, so fast, One dead bir...

I found the nether world online, A place where pop and chips recline, It's a place to slumber, With re-attributed lumber, Where ...

Bobby was not well attended, When he broke his arm it barely mended, The doc's degree they say, The doc won on eBay, "Highe...

I caught a snowman fishing in my shanty on the lake, He had caught fifty perch, it was a really great take, But, he would not share, So, ...

It's January One and it is the worst, The new year has begun and it's already the first, Auld Lang Syne we have sang, And, I h...

I had poor planning on my New Year's Eve, Thin ice lost me my sled on Little Lake Steve, And, deep the motor went humming, Be there...

I like tuna fish but, the family will not touch, I say it's the perfect fish but, they say the fish taste is too much, So, tuna fish...

George waited to see the New Year, He drank fifty cans of light beer, To the bathroom he went, He stayed in there 'till Lent, So he ...

I made a limerick up last week, Its rhymes were solid but rhythms weak, It wasn’t funny, Or sad or sunny, And, its wisdom you would not ...

Canning tomatoes, Big mess on counter and floor, Spoiled, belly ache.

There was a band that played too loud, They were really bad but, quite proud, They could not rap, Nor rhythm tap, They could never did d...

My pretty pet pig felt so forsaken, When her boyfriend was sold for back bacon, I fed her a lunch, It was bacon,” crunch, crunch”, She w...

Once I was a young belligerent fool, My refrigerant filled veins I thought were cool, I was a well meaning gent, But, my opinions were...

In Michigan you don't get much fall, Fall is hardly a season at all, Fall is just a small splinter, Between summer and winter, And, ...

Santa went fishing way out on a bay, He ran out of bait so he used his tope, He caught a big steelhead trout, His tope went to the bottom...

Why not live on the deep dark web, The deep dark web's for me, Why not live on the deep dark web, Where the media all comes free, I...

I sat in my yard swing giving four hours to a whittle, Carving a fish bait to the size of a skittle, Now, some think I should do more, Th...

Henry went fishing with his rubber crawlers, They work really well behind fishing traulers, Just tie on the harness for the worm, Watch h...

My computer is slowing way down, My smile is now a stiff frown, Could  it be  a virus today? Or, the net's slow with E-bay? I'm ...

A well dressed catfish showed up at my party, We played clue and that catfish was a smarty, He always knew which weapon and room, And ...

Mel and Bernie Bankers Thee, What will you guys take from me? You took my money, You took my house, You even took my kids and spouse.

If a guy over ladies wants power, Then, at least once a day he should shower, And, to remove a romantic despair, A guy should well wash...

I lost my money in shadow banking, While the markets rose my account was tanking, Of course when the markets eroded, My account  then imp...

Corrine is a mermaid in Grand Traverse Bay, She is shy so if she sees you she will swim away, She swims free like a trout, But, watches a...

The squirrel went to a regular store, The chipmunk shopped online, The chipmunk drank his cheap label beer, The squirrel sampled fine che...

There once was a crocodile named Larry, He was the only crock that was hairy, His fangs were real long, His claws sharp and strong, He c...

If you take the road most taken, You’ll bring home a lot of bacon, Take the road that’s not, You won’t have a pot, Then, with your famil...

Danny hated books, Reading hurt his head too much, Became Senator.

Larry the crocodile owns a bank, He swims all day in his deluxe fish tank, If your payments are late, Then, you will surely be ate, It...

The days are long, The nights are short, So, my late nights out, I must abort, Working long hours, Can't get ahead, What ...

Peppy was a popular picker of antique coins and clothes, She did not have to see a top pick; she could smell it with her nose, But, someth...

I be the twit who writ the skit, About the possum who liked to knit, I thought it had an Emmy's gold glow, As a series TV show, ...

Savannah was just too smart, She was segregated apart, She had such a yearn, To be too stupid to learn, And to laugh when one throws a l...

Today I had a "clarity of mind," I realized that I was in a real bind, My taxes were due, My insurances too, And, no money cou...

There was a grizzly bear named Ivan, In the river he'd go a diving, He'd make a wish, Dive for a fish, A fish dinner he was a st...

Bunny Blue was my favorite book, My mom would read it in the window nook, And, every single word, I memorized as I heard, With each ...

I read all the silly little signs, At the places where I dines, I also notice the sticky tables, And, the toilet monsters born from fa...

Everywhere online I go, The creepy crawlers think they know, My wants good and bad, They target with ad, To get a click to make ...

I went up the hill to watch the eclipse, The walk was really hard on my hips, And, Old Sol was unkind, For my stares made me blind, ...

My tin soldiers were all covered in crust, I had left them outside for years to just rust, I cleaned them one day, And, the rust crust...

Girlfriend picks her nose, Not happy with what I see, She has job, ignore.

Papa Craig Mitchell mixed his coffee and tea, He added milk, sugar and, honey made by a bee, Many thought he was insane, Some disease of ...

My banker told me to buy real estate, I lost my shirt by the closing date, My broker said buy stocks, Then, stocks hit the rocks, I gues...

I lost my job, my car and, my home, I'm kind of stuck with no where to roam, I've moved in with my parents, I'm here with for...

I did not catch no fish for dinner, For in the weeds I lost my spinner, And, spinners bring joy, To each fish girl and fish boy, So,...

I ate a chicken sandwich guaranteed to be lean, But, there wasn't any chicken for the sandwich bun was clean,  And, I was in a daze,...

Down came the old white pine, After a lightning bolt broke its spine, Now, I'll use the branches and splinters, For hearth fires i...

I just made this tweet, I just made this twitter, I commented on someone's poor hygiene, Then, their response was bitter.

A band played way out of tune, They played from midnight until noon, And, they could not keep a beat, Even tapping their feet, I wish th...

Driver’s exam, eyes, Letters, blur, blur, gone, can't see, No see, no drive, Failed!

I fear my face has been Dr. Jeckeled, I went to bed with clear skin and woke up all freckled, And, the great change in my face, Has my fr...

It's Friday the Thirteenth and I can't win, I'm being visited by a houseful of kin, They devoured all my steaks, Leaving me t...

Your rent you must always pay, If you don‘t you‘ll be forced away, Like my parents would always say, “Remember son, no pay no stay.”

Jason was the limerick king, He could rhyme about anything, He was good with the rhyme, But his time was a crime, So he never had any bl...

Harold was a thespian, He wrote the thespian news, In order to right something that sounded good, Harold really hit the hard booze, So ...

Woods, full of lions, Stalking, drooling, pining me, Feelings, needed, me.