LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

It's Friday the Thirteenth and I can't win, I'm being visited by a houseful of kin, They devoured all my steaks, Leaving me t...

Your rent you must always pay, If you don‘t you‘ll be forced away, Like my parents would always say, “Remember son, no pay no stay.”

Jason was the limerick king, He could rhyme about anything, He was good with the rhyme, But his time was a crime, So he never had any bl...

Harold was a thespian, He wrote the thespian news, In order to right something that sounded good, Harold really hit the hard booze, So ...

Woods, full of lions, Stalking, drooling, pining me, Feelings, needed, me.

I decided to go to the Western Bar, I walked because it was not too far, My white cowboy hat had yellowed, So, passersby bellowed, My we...

My fingers got blown off today, Now, my banjo I clearly can't play, I blame my cell phone, Which was explosion prone, Because, of ho...

In Grand Traverse Bay there are sharks who will bite, So, onto your arms and your legs hold on tight, And, best guard your head, If shark...

I got a cricket beneath my old bed, I got it's chirping in my throbbing head, So, I took a look, To smack him with a book, Out the w...

Everyone has left town for a holiday bash, It's off to the lake for a tan and a splash, And, the prices I'm told, Reflect a we...

I went fishing out on the waves so big, I used 10 lbs of sinkers to steady my jig, And, did I hook a whopper, A real surface flopper, ...

There's sharks in Grand Traverse Bay, Otherwise, it's a nice place to stay, But, the sharks always attack, Few swimmers come back...

I am poised to be a winner if, no one else shows up, I will run the mighty hometown dash and take home the winner's cup, For althoug...

My spaceship didn't get into outer space, Instead, it crashed upon it's face, I would have cried, But, of course I died, In ...

I gave my pig a real fair choice, Become a ham or use his voice, His tenor voice was brilliant, Really opera resilient, Now, his ride is...

Salmon fishing, cold, Leaky waders, wet socks, POW!!! Run over, boat, OUCH!!!

Gregg used a pencil to clean out his nose, It was a poor choice and caused him great woes, Though he used the eraser end, It got stuck in th...

A space monkey landed on my old car, He was nasty cause he got drunk at the bar, He barred his mean teeth, He bit my little brother named Ke...

Roy was a great big summer moth, He only ate pure cotton cloth, He would never play fair, Ate holes in underwear, The drafts made you ye...

I took a pottery class and made me a pot, But, it didn't hold liquids because it leaked a lot, So, I stored in it my change, The deno...

Old John Vien cut the timber down, On his eighty acres, He floated the logs down the stream, To find some timber takers, John Vien...

A zombie came up to my door, And, sold me life insurance until I was poor, He put me in my place, As he chewed on his own face, So, I go...

I have the laziest cat in my dwelling, Lately, his litter box has been smelling, I told my cat to clean it out, But, he just cracked open...

As Mr. Winter opened his mouth, Many tweeters flew to the South, But, when I felt the cold air, I was a hibernating bear, Still, I envy ...

I don't mind being called a Hypocrite, I often say one thing then, do the opposite bit, Ideas, my mind can't hold, My brains are ...

New Year's Day, Big Deal, Horizon Bleak, Sunshine Rare, Year Of The Bed Bug!

  My computer screen obscured my view, Through the window in the door, I moved my computer screen so my view was true, Then, my screen cr...

There were some bloggers on the net, Who found some facts that many regret, Regarding a violent Santa Claus, Who got divorced for just...

My cranberry wine has gone bad, It was never too good but it had... A pungent aroma, And, it could deliver a coma, Overall, it wasn'...

My grandma said my birthday money was sent directly in the mail, But, the mailman confessed to stealing it now, he's locked up in the j...

The "Ice Festival" did not go well this year, I fell through the ice and spilled a whole pint of beer, The water was ice cold, And...

Danny Dill was a real restaurateur, He had found an angle; a meat lover’s lure, Danny Dill hunted the Michigan Yetti, Then, made Yetti me...

I was watching the northern star, Unfortunately, I was driving my car, I hit some black ice, My car spun round thrice, I ended up in the...

It's the time of the year when Santa goes "Ho,Ho", It's also the time when my snow-blower won't blow, I'm stuck ...

My eyes grew tired, My eyes went shut, My shell was cracked, I am a walnut, I have no eyes, At least none to see, I'm a tasty tre...

Big buck deer hunting, Cold, wet, slimy stumps, nose runs, No see, no shoot, DRAT!

An election is like questioning Trick or Treat, Maybe none of the candy is fit to eat, And, no matter which kind you pick, Chances are...

Financial markets are all in the tank, We have all those fraudsters to thank, Of course, I'm not too bold, I sold off and bought gold...

I put my fish up for sale, While it was still flopping around in the pail, But, I didn't get a buyer, Just one very high flyer, An e...

Fly Biter was the spider king, He knew so cause he had the royal ring, But, he got caught in a web, Spun by his big sister Deb, Now, she...

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor, It scattered pieces from the TV to the door, The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase, Bu...

Although they survived the summer covered with blight, I'm afraid all my roses got frozen last night, I was so sure they were tough, ...

When Ron reads tweets about him he gets really mad, Because, the tweeters who tweet about him tweet him really bad, But, Ron tweets tweets...

In Michigan you don't get much fall, Fall is hardly a season at all, Fall is just a small splinter, Between summer and winter, And, ...

I caught some fish with gills of blue, I dried and dipped them in fondue, But, they caused many moans, Because they were full of bones, ...

While in my car I heard the worst darn sound, When my muffler fell and hit the ground, My muffler had melted to rust, And, was now mostly...

My cable picture is pixeled, My dish picture's all haze,                 My antennae big booster,           Boosted my TV with a b...

My fingers got blown off today, Now, my banjo I clearly can't play, I blame my cell phone, Which was explosion prone, Because, of ho...

I went to pull in my boat dock, I didn't need it cause my boat was in hock, But, upon wading into the water, My right foot grew painf...

My sister gives haircuts, oh dear, oh dear, She'll steady her hand for a six pack of beer, Or, when she gets through, You'll know...

A zombie came up to my door, And, sold me life insurance until I was poor, He put me in my place, As he chewed on his own face, So, I go...

It was an August drought and the earth was frying, All around my home the plants were dying, Then, under my bed I found a treat, A Hallow...

It rained on the lawn but it didn't do much good, The grass was so dry that like hard needles it stood, So, to walk on with bare feet,...

In the back tool shed the generator ran, To keep going my trailer's air conditioner and fan, But, due to a fault in a wire, My tool s...

All my tomato plants died in the drought, As did the rest of my garden which made a drought rout, So, with no veggies to eat, I'll re...

Today I had a "clarity of mind," I realized that I was in a real bind, My taxes were due, My insurances too, And, no money cou...

My buds and I went romance trolling, To places that had cold beers and bowling, But, after ten gutter balls, And, getting embarrassing ca...

My riding mower got stuck in a rut, My push mower wouldn't even put-put,  My weed whacker rolled over with a wheeze, The only thing i...

I have the laziest cat in my dwelling, Lately, his litter box has been smelling, I told my cat to clean it out, But, he just cracked open...

There were some bloggers on the net, Who found some facts that many regret, Regarding a violent Santa Claus, Who got divorced for just...