LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I went to pull in my boat dock, I didn't need it cause my boat was in hock, But, upon wading into the water, My right foot grew painf...

My sister gives haircuts, oh dear, oh dear, She'll steady her hand for a six pack of beer, Or, when she gets through, You'll know...

A zombie came up to my door, And, sold me life insurance until I was poor, He put me in my place, As he chewed on his own face, So, I go...

It was an August drought and the earth was frying, All around my home the plants were dying, Then, under my bed I found a treat, A Hallow...

It rained on the lawn but it didn't do much good, The grass was so dry that like hard needles it stood, So, to walk on with bare feet,...

In the back tool shed the generator ran, To keep going my trailer's air conditioner and fan, But, due to a fault in a wire, My tool s...

All my tomato plants died in the drought, As did the rest of my garden which made a drought rout, So, with no veggies to eat, I'll re...

Today I had a "clarity of mind," I realized that I was in a real bind, My taxes were due, My insurances too, And, no money cou...

My buds and I went romance trolling, To places that had cold beers and bowling, But, after ten gutter balls, And, getting embarrassing ca...

My riding mower got stuck in a rut, My push mower wouldn't even put-put,  My weed whacker rolled over with a wheeze, The only thing i...

I have the laziest cat in my dwelling, Lately, his litter box has been smelling, I told my cat to clean it out, But, he just cracked open...

There were some bloggers on the net, Who found some facts that many regret, Regarding a violent Santa Claus, Who got divorced for just...

My snow covered shack up on the hill, Came crashing down upon my still, It buried my corn, my sugar, my mash, It even buried two cans of ...

Tinkle, tinkle little car, Your oil leaks on the road tar, Your radiator too, Is leaking green-blue, I don't think you'll go ver...

Jim raised cattle in the town of Hemlock, Yet, the town's name don't sound friendly for stock, For the main plant found round ther...

My little pontoon boat has sprung a big leak, So, in seaweed on the lake bottom a refuge I seek, And, all the fish way down there, Give m...

My rice pudding was all pudding free, For only the rice was affordable to me, But, maybe next year, I'll spend far less on beer, ...

Roy was a great big summer moth, He only ate pure cotton cloth, He would never play fair, Ate holes in underwear, The drafts made you ye...

Jim's noodles were so very dry, They cracked his teeth oh my, oh my, And, Jim's teeth were brand new, So, the noodle maker he...

My pet rat has escaped from his cage, His imprisonment has filled him with rage, So, I dare not linger, Lest I loose a toe or a finger, ...

Recces Roy set cans on fire, They were garbage cans full of plastic wire, He got away and then found, The plastic wire underground, Such...

Firecrackers were so very loud last night, They frightened my kitty and made him bite, The crackers caused me ear pain, And, most likely ...

I went out trolling and caught me a boot, It fit well so I trolled for a suit, Now, all I caught was a shoe, But, it was red, white and b...

My tan lotion didn't make me real tan, Instead, I turned red like tomatoes in a can, Then, my skin peeled and peeled, Until, I finall...

A bird was flying right at me, I wondered what it was, It's identity was not important, I just wondered just because, I guessed it ...

I don't mind being called a Hypocrite, I often say one thing then, do the opposite bit, Ideas, my mind can't hold, My brains are ...

What if the universe runs out of time, Can I still eat my beef that is labeled as prime? Can I admire my gardens of veggies and flowers? ...

I hung my own picture on the wall, It fell on my wood stove and that's not all, After my nighttime retire, My picture caught fire, N...

It snowed on my Fourth of July cookout, So, I had to order some Fourth of July took-out, But, even with a downpour, The fireworks would s...

When I walked through the forest grim, I stepped on a toad and squashed poor him, But, he was a barber toad, Who felt revenge he was owed...

While playing a board game that had a pair of red dice, I noticed my opponent was scratching head lice, I won that board game, But, my wi...

Randy had a little rash, He cleared it up but, it cost some cash, So, he took a job in a sewer, Which was such a peuwer, He covered his ...

I went outside to find a cow, I needed milk to feed my meow, But, there were no cows in my city, Some said I was dim-witty, So, for mark...

My dorm room door I beat down with a rock, Because my roommates had changed the lock, And, after that date, I knew how'd I rate, So,...

I love getting reactions when with words I deceive, By making comments online that I don't believe, Now, without regard for my soul...

In the election I don't know how to vote, All the politicians just seem so remote, I guess I'll vote for the best dancers, Maybe ...

"Arithmetic" starts with an "A", With such a good letter I should've had a good day, But, what would it be? On my...

My dog bit my face off and it was not pleasant, He can't see too well and thought I a pheasant, I don't blame him too much, And, ...

I shucked a peanut and no nut was there, It was a great disappointment that I could not bare, So, I shucked another, It had no nut like i...

My dog Jim found a fish in an old paper bag, It smelled bad but Jim's tail did a vigorous wag, It did not me take much of a study, To...

I started a bonfire on Memorial Day, The forest caught fire and I was blamed right away, But, I told them I bet, It was a cigarette, For...

Randy built skyscrapers way up in the sky, He built them way up where star ships would fly, But, it really is sad, How things went so bad...

My taxes are past due, Now, I'm in deep stew, And, I'm feeling blue, There's no one to sue, My accountant, to the Cayman Isl...

My teabag breaks and spoils my drink, I don't drink my tea so, all day I couldn't think, I did try a Coke, But, the Coke bottle b...

It snowed and froze my pickle buds, Now my pickle blossoms are just cruds, And, it's so late in the season, This cold spring is a tre...

My microwave dish today did not please, For it melted and mixed with my cheddar cheese, And, it was without any pleasure, Disposing of my...

My psychic told me I could be president, So off to the primaries I gleefully went, But, when I got there, They made fun of my hair, I gu...

Old Snook cut down my apple tree, I told Old Snook to leave it be, But, Snook needed a thrill, Because dry was his still, And, he blamed...

It's best to be not very bright, Or, you'll get calls all day and night, But, stupid brains they get to rest, Low expectations, ...

Although I warned him it was not suppy, My swordfish ate my baby guppy, Then, my swordfish just smiled, He was a pernicious child, So, I...

I was proud of my little bean sprouts, On media I bragged with my touts, Then, along came a rabbit, With a bean sprout eating habit, Now...

I took my time machine back to the Old West, Where I heard the living was the best, But, a scorpion sting, Made my tenor voice sing, The...

With Jim's mortgage it was sink or swim, In choices the banks gave no other, So, Jim chose the choice easiest for him, He moved i...

We are all made up of blood and guts, And things that make nasty puddles, But, hair and skin, No matter how thin, Makes it OK when the n...

Santa went out on the ice on the bay, Chasing a reindeer that had just run away, But, the ice wasn't good, Where the heavy elf stood,...

By my house on a hill was a tree, I cut the tree down but, I should have left the tree be, For, the tree held up the hill, My house made ...

I get very low on cashes, Every time the market crashes, It seems I just buy a stock, Then, within a tic-toc, I feel the bite of regret ...

Bill had to see a tax-attorney, Or, to the federal prison journey, But, his taxes still were far out of sight, So, Bill left on the next ...

Sydney was such a pill, He couldn't remember to pay his doctor's bill, Through his mental disturbance, He caused much perturbance...

I shot my slingshot straight up into the air, My shot went way, way, way, way, way, way up there, The shot fell from up there so far, Thr...