LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I started a bonfire on Memorial Day, The forest caught fire and I was blamed right away, But, I told them I bet, It was a cigarette, For...

Randy built skyscrapers way up in the sky, He built them way up where star ships would fly, But, it really is sad, How things went so bad...

My taxes are past due, Now, I'm in deep stew, And, I'm feeling blue, There's no one to sue, My accountant, to the Cayman Isl...

My teabag breaks and spoils my drink, I don't drink my tea so, all day I couldn't think, I did try a Coke, But, the Coke bottle b...

It snowed and froze my pickle buds, Now my pickle blossoms are just cruds, And, it's so late in the season, This cold spring is a tre...

My microwave dish today did not please, For it melted and mixed with my cheddar cheese, And, it was without any pleasure, Disposing of my...

My psychic told me I could be president, So off to the primaries I gleefully went, But, when I got there, They made fun of my hair, I gu...

Old Snook cut down my apple tree, I told Old Snook to leave it be, But, Snook needed a thrill, Because dry was his still, And, he blamed...

It's best to be not very bright, Or, you'll get calls all day and night, But, stupid brains they get to rest, Low expectations, ...

Although I warned him it was not suppy, My swordfish ate my baby guppy, Then, my swordfish just smiled, He was a pernicious child, So, I...

I was proud of my little bean sprouts, On media I bragged with my touts, Then, along came a rabbit, With a bean sprout eating habit, Now...

I took my time machine back to the Old West, Where I heard the living was the best, But, a scorpion sting, Made my tenor voice sing, The...

With Jim's mortgage it was sink or swim, In choices the banks gave no other, So, Jim chose the choice easiest for him, He moved i...

We are all made up of blood and guts, And things that make nasty puddles, But, hair and skin, No matter how thin, Makes it OK when the n...

Santa went out on the ice on the bay, Chasing a reindeer that had just run away, But, the ice wasn't good, Where the heavy elf stood,...

By my house on a hill was a tree, I cut the tree down but, I should have left the tree be, For, the tree held up the hill, My house made ...

I get very low on cashes, Every time the market crashes, It seems I just buy a stock, Then, within a tic-toc, I feel the bite of regret ...

Bill had to see a tax-attorney, Or, to the federal prison journey, But, his taxes still were far out of sight, So, Bill left on the next ...

Sydney was such a pill, He couldn't remember to pay his doctor's bill, Through his mental disturbance, He caused much perturbance...

I shot my slingshot straight up into the air, My shot went way, way, way, way, way, way up there, The shot fell from up there so far, Thr...

So many people are bitter, When they make pronouncements on twitter, But, Rose tweets all day long, And, relies on her bong,   To i...

Passionate Pete Porter Was a rare-bourbon snorter, But, one day he tried beer, Then, his new passion was clear, And, each glass cost jus...

Molly was so melancholy, She went to funerals to feel jolly, And, at the service where others would mourn, She'd crack a soda and eat...

The well water from my tap looks really funny, It's brown and gooey and not very runny, Now, it might be caused by the chemical plant ...

When I was a little boy I would beg my parents to take me to see the bears.  So, my parents would drive out to the garbage dump and there w...

The wind blows and blows and blows, My trailer's roof into the sky it goes, Then, away went the doors, The walls and the floors, Fro...

I decided to try out my target bow, I pulled back the string and let it go, But, here's the thing, When I let go of the string, It s...

My dear little lady Miss Tam, Was the peanut butter that I thought went with my jam, But, her first love was for another, Namely, her...

During this last January thaw, Out from the snow flailed a grizzly bear's claw, So, I ran away, Still am running today, But, the...

While I was away fishing on a bridge, A giant tuna robbed my fridge, And, what was taken? It was ten pounds of bacon, The tuna fried...

My cow wandered down to the Flint River to drink, She took only one sip and then she turned bright pink, Now, she no longer gives milk,...

I'm kind of a saver, clever fox, Saving money by taking my lunch, But, each day my lunchbox was stolen, Along with my thermos full of...

To get up early every day, And, write an itinerary by which to play, It's a meaningless job, For every Tom, Dick and Bob, It's t...

Jim thought removing his bling would limit his power, So, Jim cleaned his bling when he took a shower, But, on one really hot water day, ...

My cigar just would not light, I left it out in the rain all night, So, I threw it in the dryer, Moved the heat setting higher, Now, my ...

There is a turkey in my soul, Because last Thanksgiving you see I stole, At the Thanksgiving feast, The wishbone of the beast, And mom...

It’s New Years Eve and my girl Mary, Ran off with some dude she called Barry, Even my pup ran off with some mutt, Leaving me watching a d...

There once was a fish with just one fin, He swam around and around again, All in circles he went, Till his fuel was all spent, Then a bi...

On Christmas day Santa sat smoking his pipe, He had just opened up a new can of fresh tripe, His job was now over, No coin till October, ...

Christmas turkey meal, Really late, not much food left, Skin, gravy, half bun. Day off, sleep in, late, Christmas dinner done, no food,...

Tina had a silver dollar collection, Each night she’d get them out for her inspection, To her numismatic joy, Two of them had a boy, She...

My favorite little pig is Ed, He has these big brown eyes, But, when it comes to a Christmas ham, He'll have a big surprise.

I made a holiday cheese-ball without cheese, Because, dairy makes my kinfolk wheeze, But, the sawdust and dust, Gave my cheese-ball a crust,...

Beverly made a pretty raspberry pie, It had a great smile yet, only one eye, But, before you could sneeze, She made an eye patch out of c...

David was a young man of dread, He was always unhappy in his head, He looked down and not up, Like some sad little pup, While blue skies hid...

Cell phone, static noise, Sister's birthday, call dropped twice, Communication?

I wonder where my tools all went, Did the neighbor bring back the ones I lent? Did someone find my tools had quite an appeal, And, tak...

I'm afraid I told my girlfriend a little fib, When I bragged about my fabulous crib, She was taken aback, With my tar papered shack, ...

Jim's doctor does claims for fraudulent health care, The doctor makes loads of money and Jim is aware, For Jim fakes a heart attack, ...

There was a deer that was completely unseen, He was hiding in branches real thick and real green, To the hunters despair, They saw no dee...

I had a fish in my yard, He went and ate my swiss chard, He was such a savage,  He ate all of my cabbage, He brags about it everywhere l...

My turkey Mabel looked really nice, Prancing around and pecking lice, So, my turkey Mabel, Won't be served on my table, The r...

Poor Dachshund Dan, He wanted to walk like a man, But, when he walked on two legs, It was like he was moving stiff pegs, And, he was stu...

My chickens are moving so slow, They blame the cold and the snow, But, if the cold they can't beat, I guess they're ready to eat,...

There is a reason, Born, live, save life, make life, be, No terms, just worms, see.

Ironman, Batman and, Superman one day, Went fishing for perch far out on the bay, Ironman became rust, Batman turned to dust, While Supe...

There was old bison named Joe, He stepped on farmer Jacks little toe, Joe said he was sorry, But, Jack brought round his lorry, Now off ...

The figs I ate were rotten, That's why they were cheaply gotten, So, when at a store, Don't buy like you're poor, Or, on the...

Peabody Smith sat on a hill, He was drinking his brandy, And having a thrill, Peabody looked out on his city with delight, Then the mos...

My alarm clock made a horrible tone It chilled me all the way to the bone, I found a big rock, I smashed-up the clock, But, the tone cam...