LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I shot my slingshot straight up into the air, My shot went way, way, way, way, way, way up there, The shot fell from up there so far, Thr...

So many people are bitter, When they make pronouncements on twitter, But, Rose tweets all day long, And, relies on her bong,   To i...

Passionate Pete Porter Was a rare-bourbon snorter, But, one day he tried beer, Then, his new passion was clear, And, each glass cost jus...

Molly was so melancholy, She went to funerals to feel jolly, And, at the service where others would mourn, She'd crack a soda and eat...

The well water from my tap looks really funny, It's brown and gooey and not very runny, Now, it might be caused by the chemical plant ...

When I was a little boy I would beg my parents to take me to see the bears.  So, my parents would drive out to the garbage dump and there w...

The wind blows and blows and blows, My trailer's roof into the sky it goes, Then, away went the doors, The walls and the floors, Fro...

I decided to try out my target bow, I pulled back the string and let it go, But, here's the thing, When I let go of the string, It s...

My dear little lady Miss Tam, Was the peanut butter that I thought went with my jam, But, her first love was for another, Namely, her...

During this last January thaw, Out from the snow flailed a grizzly bear's claw, So, I ran away, Still am running today, But, the...

While I was away fishing on a bridge, A giant tuna robbed my fridge, And, what was taken? It was ten pounds of bacon, The tuna fried...

My cow wandered down to the Flint River to drink, She took only one sip and then she turned bright pink, Now, she no longer gives milk,...

I'm kind of a saver, clever fox, Saving money by taking my lunch, But, each day my lunchbox was stolen, Along with my thermos full of...

To get up early every day, And, write an itinerary by which to play, It's a meaningless job, For every Tom, Dick and Bob, It's t...

Jim thought removing his bling would limit his power, So, Jim cleaned his bling when he took a shower, But, on one really hot water day, ...

My cigar just would not light, I left it out in the rain all night, So, I threw it in the dryer, Moved the heat setting higher, Now, my ...

There is a turkey in my soul, Because last Thanksgiving you see I stole, At the Thanksgiving feast, The wishbone of the beast, And mom...

It’s New Years Eve and my girl Mary, Ran off with some dude she called Barry, Even my pup ran off with some mutt, Leaving me watching a d...

There once was a fish with just one fin, He swam around and around again, All in circles he went, Till his fuel was all spent, Then a bi...

On Christmas day Santa sat smoking his pipe, He had just opened up a new can of fresh tripe, His job was now over, No coin till October, ...

Christmas turkey meal, Really late, not much food left, Skin, gravy, half bun. Day off, sleep in, late, Christmas dinner done, no food,...

Tina had a silver dollar collection, Each night she’d get them out for her inspection, To her numismatic joy, Two of them had a boy, She...

My favorite little pig is Ed, He has these big brown eyes, But, when it comes to a Christmas ham, He'll have a big surprise.

I made a holiday cheese-ball without cheese, Because, dairy makes my kinfolk wheeze, But, the sawdust and dust, Gave my cheese-ball a crust,...

Beverly made a pretty raspberry pie, It had a great smile yet, only one eye, But, before you could sneeze, She made an eye patch out of c...

David was a young man of dread, He was always unhappy in his head, He looked down and not up, Like some sad little pup, While blue skies hid...

Cell phone, static noise, Sister's birthday, call dropped twice, Communication?

I wonder where my tools all went, Did the neighbor bring back the ones I lent? Did someone find my tools had quite an appeal, And, tak...

I'm afraid I told my girlfriend a little fib, When I bragged about my fabulous crib, She was taken aback, With my tar papered shack, ...

Jim's doctor does claims for fraudulent health care, The doctor makes loads of money and Jim is aware, For Jim fakes a heart attack, ...

There was a deer that was completely unseen, He was hiding in branches real thick and real green, To the hunters despair, They saw no dee...

I had a fish in my yard, He went and ate my swiss chard, He was such a savage,  He ate all of my cabbage, He brags about it everywhere l...

My turkey Mabel looked really nice, Prancing around and pecking lice, So, my turkey Mabel, Won't be served on my table, The r...

Poor Dachshund Dan, He wanted to walk like a man, But, when he walked on two legs, It was like he was moving stiff pegs, And, he was stu...

My chickens are moving so slow, They blame the cold and the snow, But, if the cold they can't beat, I guess they're ready to eat,...

There is a reason, Born, live, save life, make life, be, No terms, just worms, see.

Ironman, Batman and, Superman one day, Went fishing for perch far out on the bay, Ironman became rust, Batman turned to dust, While Supe...

There was old bison named Joe, He stepped on farmer Jacks little toe, Joe said he was sorry, But, Jack brought round his lorry, Now off ...

The figs I ate were rotten, That's why they were cheaply gotten, So, when at a store, Don't buy like you're poor, Or, on the...

Peabody Smith sat on a hill, He was drinking his brandy, And having a thrill, Peabody looked out on his city with delight, Then the mos...

My alarm clock made a horrible tone It chilled me all the way to the bone, I found a big rock, I smashed-up the clock, But, the tone cam...

Mr. Pib owned a broken time machine, Only into the future it found it’s scene, Pib could not go back in time, So, he aged from his prime,...

Tim found a really large treasure, He hid it again for good measure, His brother named Steve, He just loved to thieve, Would steal it ju...

It's October the fourth and "oh my," My robot named Doug went bye, bye, Doug went completely insane, Then, he got on a plan...

I knew a leprechaun named Sarah, She lived in the attic of her aunt Clara, Oatmeal cookies she sold, Made a big pot of gold, So, she bou...

Martha's wicked whirligig, It was so fast, so big, It spun way to fast, Then, went flying at last, And, made bacon out of Maribel...

It's the first of September, It's so cold that I'll remember, No food in the yard, And, in the house just some lard, But, th...

Mr. Meade was truly a rare instrumental star, He played "Flight of the Bumblebee" on trumpet or guitar, He played in Chicago an...

Jon was attacked by the no-see-em flies, When attacked in mass everyone dies, Poor Jon fell asunder, By the no-see-em plunder, He never ...

A satirical limerick was let loose, That helped to cook a Congressman’s goose, It made him look bad, So, he got really mad, And, banned ...

My nanny sailed away on a ship, Her nanny job she decided to flip, And, as to my kids, She gave them all goodbye bids, But, she wanted a...

My banker has a desperate desire, To be a real life money vampire, On my credit he sucks, Charges big interest bucks, And, my bank fees ...

Randy's ex-wife sent him a real nasty tweet, She said she left him because of his stinky feet, Randy blamed the wet weather, And, cheap ...

Caroline was the light on the bay, When she left the light faded away, I promised that I would change, But, my voice was out of range, N...

Junior decided to explore his id, But, found out his id was really a a squid, So, Junior swam out to the sea, To eat fish and be free, A...

Wendell was a wild weird wart, With whopping wicked ways, He cried over each labor cost report, And, rewarded workers with false praise. ...

Tony liked to ride his pig, Out to the yearly truffles dig, But, the pig wouldn't use his snout, Until he had a pint of good stout, ...

Bye, bye heat wave with the new falling rain,  But, the lightning strike has caused me so much pain,  I know that I’m not dead, Cause I f...

It's 2015 and the last day of July, I'm mad at the world because I can't kill this fly, He out flies my flyswatter, So, my an...

Georgia burned her house all up, Because she used a paper cup, For a cheap ashtray, A paper cup didn’t pay, Now she has nowhere to sup.