LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Mr. Meade was truly a rare instrumental star, He played "Flight of the Bumblebee" on trumpet or guitar, He played in Chicago an...

Jon was attacked by the no-see-em flies, When attacked in mass everyone dies, Poor Jon fell asunder, By the no-see-em plunder, He never ...

A satirical limerick was let loose, That helped to cook a Congressman’s goose, It made him look bad, So, he got really mad, And, banned ...

My nanny sailed away on a ship, Her nanny job she decided to flip, And, as to my kids, She gave them all goodbye bids, But, she wanted a...

My banker has a desperate desire, To be a real life money vampire, On my credit he sucks, Charges big interest bucks, And, my bank fees ...

Randy's ex-wife sent him a real nasty tweet, She said she left him because of his stinky feet, Randy blamed the wet weather, And, cheap ...

Caroline was the light on the bay, When she left the light faded away, I promised that I would change, But, my voice was out of range, N...

Junior decided to explore his id, But, found out his id was really a a squid, So, Junior swam out to the sea, To eat fish and be free, A...

Wendell was a wild weird wart, With whopping wicked ways, He cried over each labor cost report, And, rewarded workers with false praise. ...

Tony liked to ride his pig, Out to the yearly truffles dig, But, the pig wouldn't use his snout, Until he had a pint of good stout, ...

Bye, bye heat wave with the new falling rain,  But, the lightning strike has caused me so much pain,  I know that I’m not dead, Cause I f...

It's 2015 and the last day of July, I'm mad at the world because I can't kill this fly, He out flies my flyswatter, So, my an...

Georgia burned her house all up, Because she used a paper cup, For a cheap ashtray, A paper cup didn’t pay, Now she has nowhere to sup.

It was great to sit at the dinner table, Especially, the one set by old Grandma Mabel, Her entrees were prophetic, Of the beef roast tast...

They were coming up the rivers to bed, I had one big one take the hook, On fishing he wrote the book, He got away, I got wet, enough said...

My wife said our water-ski trip was the worst, I then felt so bad that I thought I would burst, I said it was sunny, She said it’s not f...

Uncle Joe went fishing with a knife, He missed the fish and ended his own life, Now he haunts in the water, In the guise of an otter, Wi...

There once was a vampire named Maze, She went on a blood sucking craze, Her mom went to a shrink, She asked "What do you think?...

Mabel the muskrat stunk to high heaven, She smelled worse than a skunk by seven times seven, She couldn‘t find any mate, So, she married ...

Tobias Willis Nicolas Short, Was once chief council to the mighty king's court, But, he engaged the king in intellectual sport, T...

There was a young starfish named Zed, Each evening he wet to bed, His bed was not dry, So, poor Zed would cry, Then, blamed his pet catf...

Each July upon the first,  That's when the fireworks begin to burst, It's just three days away, From the official firework's ...

A rattlesnake was on my deck, It was really hotter than heck, He asked me for a beer, I said I had none here, He bit me now I am a wreck...

I forgot to take my meds, When I made my taxes out for the feds, Then, the feds got real mean, Said my statement's unclean, Now, in ...

I found a mushroom near my shack, It was growing juicy and black, It tasted great, That sealed my fate, To suffer a "Wants More...

There was a poplar tree named Karen, For her looks it was not worth starin', When the lumberjack came round, Karen was cut right down...

To find someone to share romance, Bently liked to do a dance, He did a polka-twist, With bent Egyptian wrists, And, finished off with a ...

I had a robot I named Wizard, He was a sentient, eight foot long lizard, He had a big boil, Which burst to leak oil, Which sprayed from ...

I went out on a ledge to view a beautiful vista, Then, got shoved off the ledge by my meanie sista, Well, downward I fell, Got klonked in th...

I have the fortune cookie blues, Because my cookie gave me bad news, At my upcoming weddin' There will be Armageddon, When my in-laws dr...

Hazel was a very polite cow, She would courtesy if the bull would bow, She would always moo “Hi!” When strangers walked by, She was nice...

Well, I can't lament the month of May, I'm just glad the month has gone away, The kids both got sick, My wife left me for some ch...

Today is Memorial Day, So, let's remember those left in the past, And, thank them in our quiet thoughts, For legacies they built t...

My kitty had a squeaky toy, Shaped like a mouse it brought great joy, On the morn of each day, Squeaky mouse got such play, By afternoon...

Computer screen bright, Eyes dry,red,hard to read screen, Read screen,now nap time.

There once was a big swam named Sandy. She liked drinking apricot brandy, She went out on the bay, Drank her brandy all day, Then, slept...

Jim ate some salmon that his ex-wife had canned, Tainted with bacteria, it should have been banned, Jim had the heaves and the squats, Th...

Mabel made a dish of fresh grouse, She made it for her little pet mouse, The mouse would not eat the dish, He preferred to eat only fish,...

What floats in my soup I must say? Have a beak, a stinger and toupee, I think that I'll stop, With what floats on top, And, let...

Today my income taxes are all due, I can't pay them so, I guess I am through, For my savings expired, When my broker retired, He...

My income I need to upgrade, Or, the IRS will be making a raid, For, my income is small, And, my tax liability tall, I wonder how they e...

My tax forms are due soon this year, But, cash for taxes well, it just ain't here, I divorced my spouse, Sold my business and house, ...

There once was a kingdom called Camelot, A greasy spoon diner about marks the spot, They once had a king, Who just liked to sing, He die...

I went fishing on thin ice on the river, The ice gave way and I froze my toes and my liver, Now, everything is fine, Though, my liver can...

When at the green light I did linger, The driver behind gave me the finger, When I stepped on the gas, The finger-driver did pass, Yelli...

There once was a really poor poltergeist, Who thought he'd pull off a casino heist, But, since his body was unreal, He couldn't gra...

The end of February has come at last, It's ranked in a very low caste, Not a favorite month that you'd pick, Unless your mind is ...

Little Pa Murphy had cows on his range, That had all come down with a bad case of mange, The steaks were laid bare, As the cows lost thei...

I love to buy candy on Valentine's Day, I eat it myself and don't give it away, When calories bring such despair, It would be sel...

St. Valentine's day comes up year after year, But, not once on that date I'm with one who is dear, But, maybe sometime, When, I...

A hickory nut fell out of a tree, It bounced off my head and pieced through my knee, The doctor said well, You have a thick skull, But, ...

My pet chicken liked to peck at my eyes, And, his pecking gave me so many cries, Now, I give him no passes, I wear safety glasses, He...

Lynn was a walrus, whose taste buds loved fish, From morning till night eating fish was her wish, Then, one day she ate steak, Chicken di...

There was a green goblin named Snooki Bear, He liked to give the village a scare, Then, a leprechaun named O'Malley, Fought Snooki ...

Chicken noodle soup, More chicken,noodles, less oup, Hard to find good soup.

Vincent the bartender didn't think so clear, He used a recipe to poor a cheap beer, Instead of tapping a beer keg, He mixed bourbo...

There once was a pig named Little Larry, He was a bachelor because his nostrils were hairy, No discriminating pig gal, Would make Little ...

My dog Crusty, Once named Rusty, Will misbehave, So, he won't bathe, At best my dog smells musty.

Moose Gillies had a happy New Year, He had consumed his own bathtub, brewed beer, But, he brewed it with haste, So, it had a strange tast...

In my garden there was a pile of scat, I first thought is was the work of my cat, Then, standing there was a yeti, Which made the pile se...