LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

A rattlesnake was on my deck, It was really hotter than heck, He asked me for a beer, I said I had none here, He bit me now I am a wreck...

I forgot to take my meds, When I made my taxes out for the feds, Then, the feds got real mean, Said my statement's unclean, Now, in ...

I found a mushroom near my shack, It was growing juicy and black, It tasted great, That sealed my fate, To suffer a "Wants More...

There was a poplar tree named Karen, For her looks it was not worth starin', When the lumberjack came round, Karen was cut right down...

To find someone to share romance, Bently liked to do a dance, He did a polka-twist, With bent Egyptian wrists, And, finished off with a ...

I had a robot I named Wizard, He was a sentient, eight foot long lizard, He had a big boil, Which burst to leak oil, Which sprayed from ...

I went out on a ledge to view a beautiful vista, Then, got shoved off the ledge by my meanie sista, Well, downward I fell, Got klonked in th...

I have the fortune cookie blues, Because my cookie gave me bad news, At my upcoming weddin' There will be Armageddon, When my in-laws dr...

Hazel was a very polite cow, She would courtesy if the bull would bow, She would always moo “Hi!” When strangers walked by, She was nice...

Well, I can't lament the month of May, I'm just glad the month has gone away, The kids both got sick, My wife left me for some ch...

Today is Memorial Day, So, let's remember those left in the past, And, thank them in our quiet thoughts, For legacies they built t...

My kitty had a squeaky toy, Shaped like a mouse it brought great joy, On the morn of each day, Squeaky mouse got such play, By afternoon...

Computer screen bright, Eyes dry,red,hard to read screen, Read screen,now nap time.

There once was a big swam named Sandy. She liked drinking apricot brandy, She went out on the bay, Drank her brandy all day, Then, slept...

Jim ate some salmon that his ex-wife had canned, Tainted with bacteria, it should have been banned, Jim had the heaves and the squats, Th...

Mabel made a dish of fresh grouse, She made it for her little pet mouse, The mouse would not eat the dish, He preferred to eat only fish,...

What floats in my soup I must say? Have a beak, a stinger and toupee, I think that I'll stop, With what floats on top, And, let...

Today my income taxes are all due, I can't pay them so, I guess I am through, For my savings expired, When my broker retired, He...

My income I need to upgrade, Or, the IRS will be making a raid, For, my income is small, And, my tax liability tall, I wonder how they e...

My tax forms are due soon this year, But, cash for taxes well, it just ain't here, I divorced my spouse, Sold my business and house, ...

There once was a kingdom called Camelot, A greasy spoon diner about marks the spot, They once had a king, Who just liked to sing, He die...

I went fishing on thin ice on the river, The ice gave way and I froze my toes and my liver, Now, everything is fine, Though, my liver can...

When at the green light I did linger, The driver behind gave me the finger, When I stepped on the gas, The finger-driver did pass, Yelli...

There once was a really poor poltergeist, Who thought he'd pull off a casino heist, But, since his body was unreal, He couldn't gra...

The end of February has come at last, It's ranked in a very low caste, Not a favorite month that you'd pick, Unless your mind is ...

Little Pa Murphy had cows on his range, That had all come down with a bad case of mange, The steaks were laid bare, As the cows lost thei...

I love to buy candy on Valentine's Day, I eat it myself and don't give it away, When calories bring such despair, It would be sel...

St. Valentine's day comes up year after year, But, not once on that date I'm with one who is dear, But, maybe sometime, When, I...

A hickory nut fell out of a tree, It bounced off my head and pieced through my knee, The doctor said well, You have a thick skull, But, ...

My pet chicken liked to peck at my eyes, And, his pecking gave me so many cries, Now, I give him no passes, I wear safety glasses, He...

Lynn was a walrus, whose taste buds loved fish, From morning till night eating fish was her wish, Then, one day she ate steak, Chicken di...

There was a green goblin named Snooki Bear, He liked to give the village a scare, Then, a leprechaun named O'Malley, Fought Snooki ...

Chicken noodle soup, More chicken,noodles, less oup, Hard to find good soup.

Vincent the bartender didn't think so clear, He used a recipe to poor a cheap beer, Instead of tapping a beer keg, He mixed bourbo...

There once was a pig named Little Larry, He was a bachelor because his nostrils were hairy, No discriminating pig gal, Would make Little ...

My dog Crusty, Once named Rusty, Will misbehave, So, he won't bathe, At best my dog smells musty.

Moose Gillies had a happy New Year, He had consumed his own bathtub, brewed beer, But, he brewed it with haste, So, it had a strange tast...

In my garden there was a pile of scat, I first thought is was the work of my cat, Then, standing there was a yeti, Which made the pile se...

George celebrated the New Year, By drinking way, way too much beer, He got so sick that he thought he'd die, Meanwhile the months day...

There was a pipe smoking gnome, He carelessly burned down my home, They say "live and let live," But, I can't forgive, I'...

Christmas day brings joy, Family and Friends visit, Children open gifts, Good cheer to mankind, Good thoughts to keep close all year, ...

Bob Roy had no time to bake, Any Christmas cookies for Santa’s sake, Bob Roy had frosting in a can but, no backers, So, Bob Roy spread th...

Jim's homemade pizza didn't taste so good, It tasted like fungus on wet firewood, It was outhouse-like smelly, And, made sharp pa...

I tried to climb Mt. Double Bubble, It was not long till I had trouble, The sides were too steep, The river below was real deep, But, I ...

My internet connection is so slow, Because I’m cheap I suffer this woe, Phone line connections just stink, They’ve brought my nerves to t...

After baking all day in the bakery where he'd bake, Barry went home with a horrific back ache, He bought an expensive new bed, ...

My laser-printer is so lazy, It's copies come out looking crazy, I'm not really sure Of a laser print cure, Maybe, an ink-jet printe...

I'm sitting on needles and pins, For, today old winter begins, It just is so wrong, That winter's so long, Why not skip it then ...

I ran over my pogo-stick with my old car, Now I can't pogo, jump high or jump far, So, I just thought it was best, To lay my pogo to res...

I had a giant bat, That lived underneath my sink, It's body was pitch black, But, it's tongue was a bright pink, It liked to ...

I went deer hunting with just a slingshot, My luck was real good, really not, The shot bounced off of the deer, Got lodged in my ear, An...

I'm not ready for dear hunting this year,  I have the wrong kind of ammo it would appear, For some doe I won't trifle, So, I boug...

I was lectured a patriotic quote On how I must go out and vote, But, I couldn't check any box, For I shook with detox, And, my flask...

On election day I just could not choose, Whoever won meant that I would then lose, So, I wrote in "Burgers and Fries." For food...

On election day I din't capitulate, And, vote for any names approved by the state, So, I wrote my own in, Oh wow, what a sin, I'...

John could not find any socks that matched at all, He ripped his pants and stained his shirt at the mall, He knew his job interview,...

I met a black widow spider whose name was Herman, I didn't smack him flat since he bites only vermin, I petted his head, He bit me, I...

Feeble was my little tree, That I had cultivated for history, It was for future generations to see, Of what really mattered to me, It di...

Mark was becoming a big fellow, So, he decided to diet on jell-o, But, too much water in the goop, Just made fruity soup, Some Bourbon in th...

Now I have two peppers growing, I hope they're ripe before the snowing, The northern fall, Brings death to all, But, at least an end...