LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

There was a pipe smoking gnome, He carelessly burned down my home, They say "live and let live," But, I can't forgive, I'...

Christmas day brings joy, Family and Friends visit, Children open gifts, Good cheer to mankind, Good thoughts to keep close all year, ...

Bob Roy had no time to bake, Any Christmas cookies for Santa’s sake, Bob Roy had frosting in a can but, no backers, So, Bob Roy spread th...

Jim's homemade pizza didn't taste so good, It tasted like fungus on wet firewood, It was outhouse-like smelly, And, made sharp pa...

I tried to climb Mt. Double Bubble, It was not long till I had trouble, The sides were too steep, The river below was real deep, But, I ...

My internet connection is so slow, Because I’m cheap I suffer this woe, Phone line connections just stink, They’ve brought my nerves to t...

After baking all day in the bakery where he'd bake, Barry went home with a horrific back ache, He bought an expensive new bed, ...

My laser-printer is so lazy, It's copies come out looking crazy, I'm not really sure Of a laser print cure, Maybe, an ink-jet printe...

I'm sitting on needles and pins, For, today old winter begins, It just is so wrong, That winter's so long, Why not skip it then ...

I ran over my pogo-stick with my old car, Now I can't pogo, jump high or jump far, So, I just thought it was best, To lay my pogo to res...

I had a giant bat, That lived underneath my sink, It's body was pitch black, But, it's tongue was a bright pink, It liked to ...

I went deer hunting with just a slingshot, My luck was real good, really not, The shot bounced off of the deer, Got lodged in my ear, An...

I'm not ready for dear hunting this year,  I have the wrong kind of ammo it would appear, For some doe I won't trifle, So, I boug...

I was lectured a patriotic quote On how I must go out and vote, But, I couldn't check any box, For I shook with detox, And, my flask...

On election day I just could not choose, Whoever won meant that I would then lose, So, I wrote in "Burgers and Fries." For food...

On election day I din't capitulate, And, vote for any names approved by the state, So, I wrote my own in, Oh wow, what a sin, I'...

John could not find any socks that matched at all, He ripped his pants and stained his shirt at the mall, He knew his job interview,...

I met a black widow spider whose name was Herman, I didn't smack him flat since he bites only vermin, I petted his head, He bit me, I...

Feeble was my little tree, That I had cultivated for history, It was for future generations to see, Of what really mattered to me, It di...

Mark was becoming a big fellow, So, he decided to diet on jell-o, But, too much water in the goop, Just made fruity soup, Some Bourbon in th...

Now I have two peppers growing, I hope they're ripe before the snowing, The northern fall, Brings death to all, But, at least an end...

On Labor Day I don't like to work, Being unemployed gives me that perk, And, who wants the money, When the day is so sunny, Besides,...

I took my goldfish water skiing, He enjoyed oohing and also, weeing, He was of course heard, By a big seagull bird, So much for his ...

I went fishing on the Forth Of July, I forgot my bobber so I fished with a fly, I didn't catch a bass hog, Just a floating pine log, ...

How do fish get water out of their ears, If I’m a fish that’d be one of my big fears, Maybe that’s why fish dart to and fro, And, up and ...

There once was a chicken named Cam, She laid eggs that were all full of ham, But, the pigs on the farm, Said ham-eggs did them harm, So,...

I made some biscuits with cornmeal, I used half the cornmeal so, what's the deal, But, my family said "NO!," My biscuits ha...

Rhubarb limericks should be spoke without a horn or a drum, The melodious phrases should be why the curious come, The story of rhubarb win...

I married a ninja named rose, In various positions she’d pose, I checked out a girl named Clare, And, to my demise and despair, I found ...

The Ides of March come once again,  My stored foods have gone bad, there's nothing for din, My apples are soggy, My canned foods ar...

The King of Colors presents, To his colorless, subjugated peasants, His colorful wealth, That he hides not with stealth, Like pea...

A rodent named Larry sure liked his cheese, He had no manners and never said please, He saw a really big chunk, Just started eating, “Ker...

There was a rattlesnake named Jim, He would bite you on a whim, But, along came a bear, That Jim did not scare, Now in heaven Jim hisses...

February has found it's last day, Another month of very low pay, Will I find a job that's  better, So, I can resign with a letter...

I went down to the neighborhood store, The prices were higher than ever before, I found the main man, I asked “tell what you can?”, He s...

In college Savannah became a Greek, It was an honors frat so she was a geek, No one knows, Savannah’s woes, She was made fun of for bein...

There once was a fat pit named Sam, He feared he was fattened for ham, He acted real mean, To his owner, Colleen, So, she decided to sel...

Harvey was a Leprechaun, He dressed in royal purple, not green, He thought that he was royalty, A distant cousin of the queen, Harvey c...

A vampire wants to suck down your blood, But, he might not do it if your life is a dud, You must be an overachiever, Dedication like a be...

February in the mid, Is when snow-fairies stay hid, The snow-fairies are small, Can't take cold at all,  So, they hide until the col...

My broker has given me the latest news, He said to stop eating as he drank fancy booze, As he drank rum and coke, He said I was broke, T...

One day after I had some beer, Everything became real clear, I looked outside and I could see, A pink orangutan in my tree, As I watche...

Because Winter begins again and again, I wonder in what life I made so much sin, The snow never stops, It's too cold to brew hops, W...

Contacting my daughter I had to abort, In case I had to pay back child support, My ex-wife was such a terrible menace, She ran off with t...

There was a psychic named Margo Mabel, She would talk to spirits at the kitchen table, First she would dine, Then, she’d drink lots of wi...

HAPPY NEW YEAR                      The year 2014 has started,            And, we remember the dearly departed,                       ...

When Santa sits around unemployed, He stares off into the void, Soon lickety-split, He jumps up, he can’t sit, He must design a toy dogg...

It's the day after Christmas and what is my wish, But, to cut open a can of some flaked tuna fish, After a big Christmas dinner, Tu...

Jim roasted a bag of chestnuts, He cracked them open to get to the guts,  It didn't hurt Jim's pride, If no guts were inside, Bu...

Social media in just a few letters, Is for the simple minded bed wetter‘s,  If you cannot exchange,  In verbiage of wide range, The...

Miss Short made great rhubarb pie, She ate it in her den, She’d share it with anyone, A neighbor, a stranger or, kin, Miss Long made a ...

Natalie had a really small nose, Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes, It was offensive, unclean, All that gooey green, S...

Nancy the scorpion has one nasty bite, It is because her long tail is wound up very tight, Her tail has such a sting, She displays it ...

Herbie built a lean-to shack, To show the world he could come back, He had lost his home, To a Wall Street gnome, After his employer gav...

Need rich girlfriend, I play computer games, drink, Need money for both.

I went to the market to buy some bulk, dried, green peas, But, over the bulk-bin the clerk gave a sneeze, It gave me a chill,  Watching t...

Jeff found some chickens in his drawers, They had ate his marshmallows he had saved for s'mores, The chickens were hasty, So, Jeff fr...

There once was a wizard who's wood stove burned wood, When the fire burned brightly the wizard was good, But, when the wood smoldered ...

Don found in his basement an old greenish jar, He found within it an unwrapped chocolate bar, It was bitter and sour, Don spit it with po...

This limerick is about a hiker named Steve, Up steep, rocky mountains he'd swerve and he'd weave, Once he got to the top, He suck...