LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Sunday, December 28, 2014

I WON'T FORGIVE THAT GNOME

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There was a pipe smoking gnome, He carelessly burned down my home, They say "live and let live," But, I can't forgive, I'...
Monday, December 22, 2014

A HAIKU FOR CHRISTMAS

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Christmas day brings joy, Family and Friends visit, Children open gifts, Good cheer to mankind, Good thoughts to keep close all year, ...
Wednesday, December 17, 2014

SANTA'S SALTINE COOKIES

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Bob Roy had no time to bake, Any Christmas cookies for Santa’s sake, Bob Roy had frosting in a can but, no backers, So, Bob Roy spread th...
Monday, December 15, 2014

JIM'S HOMEMADE PIZZA

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Jim's homemade pizza didn't taste so good, It tasted like fungus on wet firewood, It was outhouse-like smelly, And, made sharp pa...

I HAD TROUBLE ON MT. DOUBLE BUBBLE

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I tried to climb Mt. Double Bubble, It was not long till I had trouble, The sides were too steep, The river below was real deep, But, I ...
Thursday, December 11, 2014

MY INTERNET SLOW CONNECTION LIMERICK

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My internet connection is so slow, Because I’m cheap I suffer this woe, Phone line connections just stink, They’ve brought my nerves to t...
Saturday, December 6, 2014

BARRY BAKED A BACK ACHE

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After baking all day in the bakery where he'd bake, Barry went home with a horrific back ache, He bought an expensive new bed, ...
Thursday, December 4, 2014

MY LAZY LASER-PRINTER

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My laser-printer is so lazy, It's copies come out looking crazy, I'm not really sure Of a laser print cure, Maybe, an ink-jet printe...
Tuesday, December 2, 2014

SKIP WINTER LIMERICK

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I'm sitting on needles and pins, For, today old winter begins, It just is so wrong, That winter's so long, Why not skip it then ...
Sunday, November 30, 2014

THE END OF MY POGO-STICK

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I ran over my pogo-stick with my old car, Now I can't pogo, jump high or jump far, So, I just thought it was best, To lay my pogo to res...
Thursday, November 27, 2014

MY PET BAT GAVE ME RABIES

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I had a giant bat, That lived underneath my sink, It's body was pitch black, But, it's tongue was a bright pink, It liked to ...
Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I WENT DEER HUNTING WITH A SLINGSHOT LIMERICK

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I went deer hunting with just a slingshot, My luck was real good, really not, The shot bounced off of the deer, Got lodged in my ear, An...
Friday, November 14, 2014

I'M NOT READY FOR DEAR HUNTING THIS YEAR

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I'm not ready for dear hunting this year,  I have the wrong kind of ammo it would appear, For some doe I won't trifle, So, I boug...
Tuesday, November 4, 2014

IT'S HARD TO VOTE WHEN YOU'RE SOBRE

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I was lectured a patriotic quote On how I must go out and vote, But, I couldn't check any box, For I shook with detox, And, my flask...
Monday, November 3, 2014

MY ELECTION DAY CHOICES LIMERICK

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On election day I just could not choose, Whoever won meant that I would then lose, So, I wrote in "Burgers and Fries." For food...
Sunday, November 2, 2014

ON ELECTION DAY

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On election day I din't capitulate, And, vote for any names approved by the state, So, I wrote my own in, Oh wow, what a sin, I'...
Saturday, November 1, 2014

JOHN'S JOB INTERVIEW

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John could not find any socks that matched at all, He ripped his pants and stained his shirt at the mall, He knew his job interview,...
Friday, October 24, 2014

THE DANGEROUS MALE BLACK WIDOW SPIDER

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I met a black widow spider whose name was Herman, I didn't smack him flat since he bites only vermin, I petted his head, He bit me, I...
Saturday, October 18, 2014

IN REMEMBRANCE OF ME WITH A TREE-LIMERICK

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Feeble was my little tree, That I had cultivated for history, It was for future generations to see, Of what really mattered to me, It di...
Saturday, September 13, 2014

THE FRUITY SOUP LIMERICK

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Mark was becoming a big fellow, So, he decided to diet on jell-o, But, too much water in the goop, Just made fruity soup, Some Bourbon in th...
Tuesday, September 2, 2014

AN END TO HOEING

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Now I have two peppers growing, I hope they're ripe before the snowing, The northern fall, Brings death to all, But, at least an end...
Monday, September 1, 2014

THE LABOR DAY LIMERICK FOR ME

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On Labor Day I don't like to work, Being unemployed gives me that perk, And, who wants the money, When the day is so sunny, Besides,...
Thursday, August 21, 2014

HOW TO ATTRACT A SEAGULL WHILE SKIING

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I took my goldfish water skiing, He enjoyed oohing and also, weeing, He was of course heard, By a big seagull bird, So much for his ...
Friday, July 4, 2014

I WENT FISHING ON THE FORTH OF JULY

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I went fishing on the Forth Of July, I forgot my bobber so I fished with a fly, I didn't catch a bass hog, Just a floating pine log, ...
Thursday, June 26, 2014

HOW DO FISH GET WATER OUT OF THEIR EARS

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How do fish get water out of their ears, If I’m a fish that’d be one of my big fears, Maybe that’s why fish dart to and fro, And, up and ...
Sunday, June 22, 2014

CHICKEN CAM HAM

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There once was a chicken named Cam, She laid eggs that were all full of ham, But, the pigs on the farm, Said ham-eggs did them harm, So,...
Wednesday, June 4, 2014

I MADE CORNMEAL BISCUITS LIMERICK

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I made some biscuits with cornmeal, I used half the cornmeal so, what's the deal, But, my family said "NO!," My biscuits ha...
Wednesday, April 23, 2014

RHUBARB WINE OR RUM

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Rhubarb limericks should be spoke without a horn or a drum, The melodious phrases should be why the curious come, The story of rhubarb win...
Saturday, March 22, 2014

I MARRIED A NINJA NAMED ROSE

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I married a ninja named rose, In various positions she’d pose, I checked out a girl named Clare, And, to my demise and despair, I found ...
Saturday, March 15, 2014

THE IDES OF MARCH COME ONCE AGAIN

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The Ides of March come once again,  My stored foods have gone bad, there's nothing for din, My apples are soggy, My canned foods ar...
Friday, March 14, 2014

THE KING OF COLORS

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The King of Colors presents, To his colorless, subjugated peasants, His colorful wealth, That he hides not with stealth, Like pea...
Sunday, March 9, 2014

LARRY AND THE RAT TRAP

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A rodent named Larry sure liked his cheese, He had no manners and never said please, He saw a really big chunk, Just started eating, “Ker...
Saturday, March 1, 2014

JIM THE RATTLESNAKE

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There was a rattlesnake named Jim, He would bite you on a whim, But, along came a bear, That Jim did not scare, Now in heaven Jim hisses...
Friday, February 28, 2014

THE LAST DAY IN FEBRUARY LIMERICK

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February has found it's last day, Another month of very low pay, Will I find a job that's  better, So, I can resign with a letter...
Wednesday, February 26, 2014

THE NEIGHBORHOOD STORE

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I went down to the neighborhood store, The prices were higher than ever before, I found the main man, I asked “tell what you can?”, He s...
Monday, February 24, 2014

SAVANNAH TOO SMART THE GREEK

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In college Savannah became a Greek, It was an honors frat so she was a geek, No one knows, Savannah’s woes, She was made fun of for bein...
Sunday, February 23, 2014

THERE ONCE WAS A PIG NAMED SAM

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There once was a fat pit named Sam, He feared he was fattened for ham, He acted real mean, To his owner, Colleen, So, she decided to sel...
Tuesday, February 18, 2014

HARVEY THE LEPRECHAUN SINGS

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Harvey was a Leprechaun, He dressed in royal purple, not green, He thought that he was royalty, A distant cousin of the queen, Harvey c...
Saturday, February 15, 2014

A VAMPIRE SUCKS YOUR BLOOD

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A vampire wants to suck down your blood, But, he might not do it if your life is a dud, You must be an overachiever, Dedication like a be...
Friday, February 14, 2014

FEBRUARY IN THE MID

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February in the mid, Is when snow-fairies stay hid, The snow-fairies are small, Can't take cold at all,  So, they hide until the col...
Tuesday, February 11, 2014

MY BROKER GAVE ME THE LATEST NEWS

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My broker has given me the latest news, He said to stop eating as he drank fancy booze, As he drank rum and coke, He said I was broke, T...
Monday, February 10, 2014

THE PINK ORANGUTAN

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One day after I had some beer, Everything became real clear, I looked outside and I could see, A pink orangutan in my tree, As I watche...
Sunday, February 2, 2014

WINTER BEGINS AGAIN AND AGAIN

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Because Winter begins again and again, I wonder in what life I made so much sin, The snow never stops, It's too cold to brew hops, W...
Wednesday, January 29, 2014

THE EX

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Contacting my daughter I had to abort, In case I had to pay back child support, My ex-wife was such a terrible menace, She ran off with t...
Sunday, January 19, 2014

A PSYCHIC NAMED MARGO MABLE

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There was a psychic named Margo Mabel, She would talk to spirits at the kitchen table, First she would dine, Then, she’d drink lots of wi...
Wednesday, January 1, 2014

THE 2014 LIMERICK

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HAPPY NEW YEAR                      The year 2014 has started,            And, we remember the dearly departed,                       ...
Friday, December 27, 2013

WHAT SANTA DOES WHILE UNEMPLOYED

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When Santa sits around unemployed, He stares off into the void, Soon lickety-split, He jumps up, he can’t sit, He must design a toy dogg...
Thursday, December 26, 2013

IT'S THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

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It's the day after Christmas and what is my wish, But, to cut open a can of some flaked tuna fish, After a big Christmas dinner, Tu...
Sunday, December 22, 2013

THE NUTS, THE GUTS AND THE CUTS LIMERICK

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Jim roasted a bag of chestnuts, He cracked them open to get to the guts,  It didn't hurt Jim's pride, If no guts were inside, Bu...
Monday, October 28, 2013

TO BE A TWIT

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Social media in just a few letters, Is for the simple minded bed wetter‘s,  If you cannot exchange,  In verbiage of wide range, The...
Monday, October 21, 2013

MISS SHORT LOVED HER RHUBARB PIE

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Miss Short made great rhubarb pie, She ate it in her den, She’d share it with anyone, A neighbor, a stranger or, kin, Miss Long made a ...
Thursday, September 26, 2013

THE IN-BETWEEN OF HER TOES

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Natalie had a really small nose, Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes, It was offensive, unclean, All that gooey green, S...
Monday, August 26, 2013

NANCY THE SCORPION LIMERICK

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Nancy the scorpion has one nasty bite, It is because her long tail is wound up very tight, Her tail has such a sting, She displays it ...
Friday, August 23, 2013

HERBIE AND HIS LEAN-TO SHACK

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Herbie built a lean-to shack, To show the world he could come back, He had lost his home, To a Wall Street gnome, After his employer gav...
Thursday, August 22, 2013

I NEED A RICH GIRLFRIEND

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Need rich girlfriend, I play computer games, drink, Need money for both.
Monday, August 19, 2013

THE SNEEZE MADE ME CHOOSE BEANS AND NOT PEAS

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I went to the market to buy some bulk, dried, green peas, But, over the bulk-bin the clerk gave a sneeze, It gave me a chill,  Watching t...
Wednesday, August 14, 2013

THE CHICKENS IN JEFF'S DRAWERS

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Jeff found some chickens in his drawers, They had ate his marshmallows he had saved for s'mores, The chickens were hasty, So, Jeff fr...
Sunday, August 11, 2013

REVENGE OF THE WOOD STOVE WIZARD

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There once was a wizard who's wood stove burned wood, When the fire burned brightly the wizard was good, But, when the wood smoldered ...
Thursday, August 8, 2013

THE CHOCOLATE BAR IN THE JAR LIMERICK

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Don found in his basement an old greenish jar, He found within it an unwrapped chocolate bar, It was bitter and sour, Don spit it with po...
Tuesday, August 6, 2013

THE STEVE LIMERICK

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This limerick is about a hiker named Steve, Up steep, rocky mountains he'd swerve and he'd weave, Once he got to the top, He suck...
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Leigh Collin Brandt
Northern Michigan, United States
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