LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I met a black widow spider whose name was Herman, I didn't smack him flat since he bites only vermin, I petted his head, He bit me, I...

Feeble was my little tree, That I had cultivated for history, It was for future generations to see, Of what really mattered to me, It di...

Mark was becoming a big fellow, So, he decided to diet on jell-o, But, too much water in the goop, Just made fruity soup, Some Bourbon in th...

Now I have two peppers growing, I hope they're ripe before the snowing, The northern fall, Brings death to all, But, at least an end...

On Labor Day I don't like to work, Being unemployed gives me that perk, And, who wants the money, When the day is so sunny, Besides,...

I took my goldfish water skiing, He enjoyed oohing and also, weeing, He was of course heard, By a big seagull bird, So much for his ...

I went fishing on the Forth Of July, I forgot my bobber so I fished with a fly, I didn't catch a bass hog, Just a floating pine log, ...

How do fish get water out of their ears, If I’m a fish that’d be one of my big fears, Maybe that’s why fish dart to and fro, And, up and ...

There once was a chicken named Cam, She laid eggs that were all full of ham, But, the pigs on the farm, Said ham-eggs did them harm, So,...

I made some biscuits with cornmeal, I used half the cornmeal so, what's the deal, But, my family said "NO!," My biscuits ha...

Rhubarb limericks should be spoke without a horn or a drum, The melodious phrases should be why the curious come, The story of rhubarb win...

I married a ninja named rose, In various positions she’d pose, I checked out a girl named Clare, And, to my demise and despair, I found ...

The Ides of March come once again,  My stored foods have gone bad, there's nothing for din, My apples are soggy, My canned foods ar...

The King of Colors presents, To his colorless, subjugated peasants, His colorful wealth, That he hides not with stealth, Like pea...

A rodent named Larry sure liked his cheese, He had no manners and never said please, He saw a really big chunk, Just started eating, “Ker...

There was a rattlesnake named Jim, He would bite you on a whim, But, along came a bear, That Jim did not scare, Now in heaven Jim hisses...

February has found it's last day, Another month of very low pay, Will I find a job that's  better, So, I can resign with a letter...

I went down to the neighborhood store, The prices were higher than ever before, I found the main man, I asked “tell what you can?”, He s...

In college Savannah became a Greek, It was an honors frat so she was a geek, No one knows, Savannah’s woes, She was made fun of for bein...

There once was a fat pit named Sam, He feared he was fattened for ham, He acted real mean, To his owner, Colleen, So, she decided to sel...

Harvey was a Leprechaun, He dressed in royal purple, not green, He thought that he was royalty, A distant cousin of the queen, Harvey c...

A vampire wants to suck down your blood, But, he might not do it if your life is a dud, You must be an overachiever, Dedication like a be...

February in the mid, Is when snow-fairies stay hid, The snow-fairies are small, Can't take cold at all,  So, they hide until the col...

My broker has given me the latest news, He said to stop eating as he drank fancy booze, As he drank rum and coke, He said I was broke, T...

One day after I had some beer, Everything became real clear, I looked outside and I could see, A pink orangutan in my tree, As I watche...

Because Winter begins again and again, I wonder in what life I made so much sin, The snow never stops, It's too cold to brew hops, W...

Contacting my daughter I had to abort, In case I had to pay back child support, My ex-wife was such a terrible menace, She ran off with t...

There was a psychic named Margo Mabel, She would talk to spirits at the kitchen table, First she would dine, Then, she’d drink lots of wi...

HAPPY NEW YEAR                      The year 2014 has started,            And, we remember the dearly departed,                       ...

When Santa sits around unemployed, He stares off into the void, Soon lickety-split, He jumps up, he can’t sit, He must design a toy dogg...

It's the day after Christmas and what is my wish, But, to cut open a can of some flaked tuna fish, After a big Christmas dinner, Tu...

Jim roasted a bag of chestnuts, He cracked them open to get to the guts,  It didn't hurt Jim's pride, If no guts were inside, Bu...

Social media in just a few letters, Is for the simple minded bed wetter‘s,  If you cannot exchange,  In verbiage of wide range, The...

Miss Short made great rhubarb pie, She ate it in her den, She’d share it with anyone, A neighbor, a stranger or, kin, Miss Long made a ...

Natalie had a really small nose, Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes, It was offensive, unclean, All that gooey green, S...

Nancy the scorpion has one nasty bite, It is because her long tail is wound up very tight, Her tail has such a sting, She displays it ...

Herbie built a lean-to shack, To show the world he could come back, He had lost his home, To a Wall Street gnome, After his employer gav...

Need rich girlfriend, I play computer games, drink, Need money for both.

I went to the market to buy some bulk, dried, green peas, But, over the bulk-bin the clerk gave a sneeze, It gave me a chill,  Watching t...

Jeff found some chickens in his drawers, They had ate his marshmallows he had saved for s'mores, The chickens were hasty, So, Jeff fr...

There once was a wizard who's wood stove burned wood, When the fire burned brightly the wizard was good, But, when the wood smoldered ...

Don found in his basement an old greenish jar, He found within it an unwrapped chocolate bar, It was bitter and sour, Don spit it with po...

This limerick is about a hiker named Steve, Up steep, rocky mountains he'd swerve and he'd weave, Once he got to the top, He suck...

Marissa was a vain and thoughtless young toad, She was covered with warts as per toad dress code,  Marissa told a bear he was too fat, So...

I tried and failed to login, I couldn't remember my pin, Then, I typed in my name, And, up my account came, I know a simple pin is a...

It was the night before Christmas and I just found my mouse, I had searched and I searched all over the house, I had e-mails to send, ...

One day the sun was quite the heater, It even dried-up every skeeter, But, my pond fish had a need, For fresh skeeter feed, No m...

My fireworks went-off on the forth of July, But, it was inside the car and made my mom cry, No one was hurt, But, mom was real curt...

I got home just in time to take my meds, But, they were confiscated by the Feds, My family accused of being reds, Now, we sleep in ...

Rich got a little tiny prick, When the doctor said that he was sick, The needle was long,  It felt painful and wrong, But, felt ...

My friend Carey gave me some vegan nacho tomato paste, She made it from scrapings from her yard, garden waste, I don't know what ...

There was an inventor whose name was Larry, He invented a car that ran on dairy, Cheese, milk, and eggs too, Made his car cluck, cl...

There's a great big rock that comes for us, But, We cannot jump off our satellite bus, Our forward road is so clear, Our future...

The king took a drink from his favorite chalice, But, the drink was filled with a bacterial malice, The king was a dope, Didn't...

I rode my jeep into the woods and found a druid fast asleep, He had a magic staff that I decided I would keep, But, man did I take a t...

Simon had two girlfriends, They both had hair dyed blue, One girlfriend was Rachel, The other one was Sue, Simon's blue haired...

Don thought happiness was a perspective you turned on at will, Until after he received his very first bill, After he received many mor...

Jennifer ate mushrooms she picked in the yard, Those she didn't eat she froze or she jarred, But with some she got sick, Becaus...

Mommy ate chicken for her Mother's Day meal, She shouldn't have ate it because it was colored teal, Well, Mommy got sick, F...

My old mare thought she was a superior horse breed, So, she'd only eat super premium horse feed, Then, she read the ingredient on ...