LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Contacting my daughter I had to abort, In case I had to pay back child support, My ex-wife was such a terrible menace, She ran off with t...

There was a psychic named Margo Mabel, She would talk to spirits at the kitchen table, First she would dine, Then, she’d drink lots of wi...

HAPPY NEW YEAR                      The year 2014 has started,            And, we remember the dearly departed,                       ...

When Santa sits around unemployed, He stares off into the void, Soon lickety-split, He jumps up, he can’t sit, He must design a toy dogg...

It's the day after Christmas and what is my wish, But, to cut open a can of some flaked tuna fish, After a big Christmas dinner, Tu...

Jim roasted a bag of chestnuts, He cracked them open to get to the guts,  It didn't hurt Jim's pride, If no guts were inside, Bu...

Social media in just a few letters, Is for the simple minded bed wetter‘s,  If you cannot exchange,  In verbiage of wide range, The...

Miss Short made great rhubarb pie, She ate it in her den, She’d share it with anyone, A neighbor, a stranger or, kin, Miss Long made a ...

Natalie had a really small nose, Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes, It was offensive, unclean, All that gooey green, S...

Nancy the scorpion has one nasty bite, It is because her long tail is wound up very tight, Her tail has such a sting, She displays it ...

Herbie built a lean-to shack, To show the world he could come back, He had lost his home, To a Wall Street gnome, After his employer gav...

Need rich girlfriend, I play computer games, drink, Need money for both.

I went to the market to buy some bulk, dried, green peas, But, over the bulk-bin the clerk gave a sneeze, It gave me a chill,  Watching t...

Jeff found some chickens in his drawers, They had ate his marshmallows he had saved for s'mores, The chickens were hasty, So, Jeff fr...

There once was a wizard who's wood stove burned wood, When the fire burned brightly the wizard was good, But, when the wood smoldered ...

Don found in his basement an old greenish jar, He found within it an unwrapped chocolate bar, It was bitter and sour, Don spit it with po...

This limerick is about a hiker named Steve, Up steep, rocky mountains he'd swerve and he'd weave, Once he got to the top, He suck...

Marissa was a vain and thoughtless young toad, She was covered with warts as per toad dress code,  Marissa told a bear he was too fat, So...

I tried and failed to login, I couldn't remember my pin, Then, I typed in my name, And, up my account came, I know a simple pin is a...

It was the night before Christmas and I just found my mouse, I had searched and I searched all over the house, I had e-mails to send, ...

One day the sun was quite the heater, It even dried-up every skeeter, But, my pond fish had a need, For fresh skeeter feed, No m...

My fireworks went-off on the forth of July, But, it was inside the car and made my mom cry, No one was hurt, But, mom was real curt...

I got home just in time to take my meds, But, they were confiscated by the Feds, My family accused of being reds, Now, we sleep in ...

Rich got a little tiny prick, When the doctor said that he was sick, The needle was long,  It felt painful and wrong, But, felt ...

My friend Carey gave me some vegan nacho tomato paste, She made it from scrapings from her yard, garden waste, I don't know what ...

There was an inventor whose name was Larry, He invented a car that ran on dairy, Cheese, milk, and eggs too, Made his car cluck, cl...

There's a great big rock that comes for us, But, We cannot jump off our satellite bus, Our forward road is so clear, Our future...

The king took a drink from his favorite chalice, But, the drink was filled with a bacterial malice, The king was a dope, Didn't...

I rode my jeep into the woods and found a druid fast asleep, He had a magic staff that I decided I would keep, But, man did I take a t...

Simon had two girlfriends, They both had hair dyed blue, One girlfriend was Rachel, The other one was Sue, Simon's blue haired...

Don thought happiness was a perspective you turned on at will, Until after he received his very first bill, After he received many mor...

Jennifer ate mushrooms she picked in the yard, Those she didn't eat she froze or she jarred, But with some she got sick, Becaus...

Mommy ate chicken for her Mother's Day meal, She shouldn't have ate it because it was colored teal, Well, Mommy got sick, F...

My old mare thought she was a superior horse breed, So, she'd only eat super premium horse feed, Then, she read the ingredient on ...

I was watering my garden and pulled on the hose, It pulled loose from the house and I fell on my nose, My nose broke in two places, ...

I went to buy a new Corvette, But, found I couldn't afford the debt, So, I remortgaged my house, Divorced my shop-happy spouse,...

Debbie joined a picket line to show union support, She was arrested for trespassing and ended up in a court, She got 90 days, Found...

A lot of leprechauns are shopping in stores, Buying candy bars and marshmallows for s'mores, But, what is really sad, Is their ...

Because my elderly shell was all cracked, From my job as a turtle I was sacked, I tried for a pension, But, got nothing but tension...

I went on an archaeological dig, I thought I found a Mummy but just found a pig, He was wrapped up in fine linen, And the pig was a...

Emily signed up to take an aerobics class, But, the time there seemed it would never pass, So, for an after-class treat, Emily we...

It is the first day of spring and I'd like to go swimming, But, the lake is froze over so my prospects are dimming, A cold front is m...

It is St. Patrick's Day way up in Canada, When big foot monsters dye themselves green, Then parade with their kilts and their bagpip...

Dan is unwelcome when he shows up at my door, He raids my liquor cabinet til my liquor's no more, So, I keep only wine and beer, ...

Willie played basketball, Even though, he was just five feet tall, He'd go out on the court, And, was a really good sport, Although,...

It is finally March the first, I have filled up on pop and bratwurst, But, I will find the means, For some back bacon and beans, ...

PHIL FEARS THE CRITTER OF THE YEAR Phil fears the year of the snake, Those critters make him shake and quake, Bring back the year of the...

My Wall Street broker was a very bad man, He stole all my money then, off to Aruba he ran, Now surrounded by the sea, He is complet...

I wanted to unload my fish catch up at the quay, But, the harbor master said I should stay far away, He said my fish were stinking up the ...

Two roads went different ways in the deep, dark woods, I was returning home late with my grocery dry-goods, Down one road a bear growl...

Jen and I fought a world war, So, I got up and walked out the door, Then, we each had a good cry, Thought we'd have a new try, ...

It’s New Years Eve and my girl Mary, Ran off with some dude she called Barry, Even my pup ran off with some mutt, Leaving me watching a d...

I went to sell my stocks on Christmas Day, For I needed to buy presents and no way to pay, But, Wall Street was closed down, My family wa...

The limerick man wrote a limerick in jail, It was about the high cost of bail, The judge read it twice, Raised the bail up thrice, So, ...

Karen was a zombie pain, Because she bit into my brain, Maybe she tried to flirt, But, her bite really hurt, Finding love online is insa...

November Ides? Gee! Ides? Celebrate? Fear? Party? Day off? Relax? Great!

The reign of kings and dictates of the state, Their engine speaks without review of choice, The masses, millions,live from fate to fate, ...

Now that Daylight Savings Time has ended, Getting a game of golf in gets me winded, I use to make my holes last and last, But, darkne...

On Christmas day Santa sat smoking his pipe, He had just opened up a can of fresh tripe, His job was now over, Until the end of October, ...

There was a big salmon named Louise, She swam by the pier for a fisherman's tease, The baits were never taken, Until I tried on some ...