LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I was the one sent to fight the great war, Against the gargoyles and demons and monsters of yore, I called upon the great forest trees, T...

Crazy Jeanie was a tether-ball queen, She could beat any boy or girl because she was mean, She’d pound the ball into the kid’s face, Then...

Ralphie swore that he’d stay off the drink, It would have gone well except for his girlfriend Ann Klink, She was not real nice, And, with...

While Marty was driving his roadster, He swerved to miss an old toadster, He ran right into a tree, The crash smashed-up his knee, The h...

There's a new moon on the twenty-third, It's so dark because the new moon occured, I can't see my toes, That's the least ...

Poor little Molly wet to bed, She was embarrassed so enough said, Then, when she became a teen, She was a beauty queen, She said “embarr...

It’s the Winter Solstice and I’m so happy, The days are short and the nights cold and crappy, Today I froze off my nose, My fingers and t...

This morning I heard two chickens squawk, Then, their squawking seemed to turn to talk, But, what did they say? Was it goodnight or good ...

Jeff lives off the fat of the land, In his old job he was summarily canned, He made macaroni with bows, With the jams from his toes, But...

Wall clock falls down, crash, Splintered wood, glass chards, big mess, Replaced, clock, plastic.

Take time to castigate the ones that you love, Don’t give them a hand just give them a shove, Blame them for you troubles, For the real e...

It’s Friday the Thirteenth today, I think that in bed I will stay, My truck will not start, I fell on a lawn jart, And, I was pecked in ...

There was a man, who was so vehemently bitter, He attacked all in family over the media called twitter, He attacked his cousin the monk, ...

I can’t remember all the books that I’ve read, All the movies I’ve seen or the foods that I’ve fed, All I know is that tomorrow, Be it jo...

There was a North Pole elf named Haynes, He was in charge of the candy canes, When the canes would not bend, And were straight end to end...

Come the great post apocalypse of 2012, I’ll get my meals ready to eat dinners off the shelve, I will survive many years, Though I’ll cry...

Soon 2012 will be revealed, Then, we will know if our fate is sealed, Should we have fun? Or, should we run? Or, will our infirmities be...

My present from Santa weighed nearly fifty pounds, I figured it was a TV with audio that surrounds, I opened my present fast to reach my...

I went to sell my stocks on Christmas Day, For I needed to buy presents and no way to pay, But, Wall Street was closed, I was totally hos...

My mom had a porcelain pig, I knocked it on the floor, When it flew into a million pieces, Mom through me out the door,  I then wandere...

I'm sitting in the house during a winter storm, My heats been shut off so I'm not keeping warm, Oh, Santa bring your sleigh, And ...

Jill loved money so, Sold stock in a bogus firm, Owns an island now.

Oh Turkey Day, Oh Turkey Day, I think we have a problem, Though Halloween is far away, My turkey is haunted by a goblin, Oh Turkey Day,...

I knew a leprechaun named Sarah, She lived in the attic of her aunt Clara, Oatmeal cookies she sold, Made a big pot of gold, So, she bou...

I knew a leprechaun named Jake, He only ate banana cake, If the cake looked nice, He’d pay any price, Jake should have learned how to ba...

There was a leprechaun named Jane, She moved from Dublin to Southern Spain, She sold sports cars, Saved gold in quart jars, And, made ra...

A cold full moon in November, Much colder than October,September, Put the camp stuff away, Summer fun had it's day, It's not a m...

Woman of my dreams, Has a great job, makes money, I stay home all day.

Daylight savings time has ended its run, Getting up so darn early has not been much fun, Good riddens I say, To saving some day, For tho...

The problem with Steve is he didn't have a plan, When he went out ice fishing way out on Lake Ann, So, oh what a bummer, The season w...

There was a leprechaun named Sam, He loved his eggs, bacon and ham, He once ate a green bean, It gassed up his small spleen, Then, he re...

Crazy Benny went into deep space, He went there to save the whole human race, When he met an alien he said "check your shoelace"...

Steve did not read much, Read Driver's Ed. booklet, Brain swelled up, bye Steve.

Hurricane, Hurricane get out of my face, Or, I’ll spray in your eyes a can of bear mace, Maybe you’d like that but, I’ll never know, Beca...

A dog went swimming far out in the bay, He caught a fish and swam back the same day, He flopped the fish on the shore, The fish flopped o...

The Ides of October come at mid-month near, Did Mr. Caesar have something to fear? I guess that was March mid, When goodbye Caesar bid, ...

I was driving and watching the Northern Star, Then three big bucks ran in front of my Saab car, I swerved hard left to miss, And gave an ...

Sophie and sons were all armadillos, One day they ran out of blankets and pillows, They had quite a scare, But, quickly grew hair, And n...

I went to Russia to visit the Louvre, But, I guess to Paris it made a sudden move, I went to Spain to see the Pyramids of old, But, I gue...

There was a man, who was so vehemently bitter, He attacked all in family over the media called twitter, He made fun of  his cousin the mon...

Daisy had an evil Id, It came out when she was a kid, She spread evil rumors, About Mary's bloomers, And, everything that Mary did.

I went fishing on Manistee Lake, But a leaking old boat I did take, I got really wet, And really upset, Then went swimming home; for goo...

I just felt just a little bit of a shake, The TV said it was an earthquake, It was along the East Coast, But, I don’t want to boast, ...

Bert wore a hat of aluminum foil, So government transmissions he’d spoil, But, his hat sealed his fate, From an off world state, The ali...

Jordan once made some homemade rhubarb wine, He thought he'd have good stuff upon which to dine, But, when he guzzled his first glass,...

There was a leprechaun named Sue, Her hair was red, her eyes were blue, A man from the city, Thought she was real pretty, So, he married...

Drinking bad whiskey, Stomach curls, dry heaves, pain, Morning after milk.

We are all just part of the zombie oceans, We swim against riptides just to get our promotions, But, when our own dark day ends, Just ...

Skinny girlfriend, Does not eat very much food, Has a model job. P.S. Lucky me!!!!!!!

Steven had an very evil Id, He picked on his little brother Sid, When Sid went to tell, Steven gave off a yell, And blamed Sid for what ...

There was a leprechaun named Pete, Corned beef and cabbage was all he’d eat, He was full of green gas, And, could not get a lass, He mad...

Penelope Pie was a racing horse, She ran real fast down every course, But, Kentucky is sloppy, This made her legs floppy, She finished l...

Lake Michigan Sharks, Man-eaters by the millions, Fear the blue waters.

At the office one morning there was no coffee to drink, So, I brewed up some water and poured in some black ink, Everyone went home early ...

Dead tree stands by car, Wind pushes tree over, Crash, my car is destroyed

I polished Petoskey stones all day, I tried to sell them on the Ebay, I did not get one bid, My stones should be hid, I guess they are w...

Many, many will want to cry, Because today is the ides of July, Summer’s half gone, And, late comes the dawn, It’s sad how summer will f...

Fun, Traverse city, Summer boats, Winter skies, laugh, Playground, never ends.

Girlfriend drinks beer, “Expensive habit”, I said, Big mouth, she has job.

Time from a bottle, Gallon red wine, smooth, laughs, tears, Meal, down a toilet.