LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Willie was not a very deep sleeper, For he feared an encounter with the grim reaper, If awake he could stay, He felt he could run away, ...

I once had a Doberman named Nicky, His name online was Nicky Ickey, He had pictures of steak bones’ And dog bowls colored all tones, And...

A rattlesnake wanted a beer, I told him to go bite a deer, He bit me instead, Now I am half dead, He drank the beer that was here.

A rat mixed his whiskey and beer, Next day he felt that death was near, So, he admitted to his wife, His adultrous second life, He sobre...

Jeffrey liked to sleep until noon, Then at night he liked to spoon, He was kissing a girl named Mary, But, her lips were so hairy, He th...

Susie was my sweetheart, She had big eyes of blue, The only problem Susie had, Was she had more eyes than two, I always felt like I was...

There once was a little baby fish, Growing bigger was his only wish, He ate like a pig, He got really big, ‘Till he became a fisherman’s...

Willie goes out into the snow, He is buried because of how hard it blow, But where melting snow drips, He finds tasty parsnips, Now Will...

There once was a knight named Sir Dirk, Dragon fighting was his life’s work, He wore too much tin, ‘Cause he wanted to win, Fire-breathe...

Jeeter had a nose so pronounced, It weighed a pound if it weighed an ounce, And, genetics are not fun, Jeeter’s nose was on his son, Off...

In Northern Michigan there is a soul taker, It is commonly known as the old widow maker, It falls down from the tall trees, It brings it...

Governor Sneakers liked a good bribe, He ran for Governor to enrich his own tribe, He worked for only the elite, He talked up any deceit,...

I was in love with a girl named Pam, She ran off with a farmer named Sam, They have a pig farm, The smell is a charm, They've grown ...

There was a big man from Toledo, He liked to wear a black Tuxedo, But, when he sat down, He riped it all round So now he just wears a bl...

There was a leprechaun named Jane, She moved from Dublin to Southern Spain, She sold sports cars, Saved gold in quart jars, And, made ra...

I knew a leprechaun named Sarah, She lived in the attic of her aunt Clara, Oatmeal cookies she sold, Made a big pot of gold, So, she bou...

I knew a leprechaun named Jake, He only ate banana cake, If the cake looked nice, He’d pay any price, Jake should have learned how to ba...

First Holiday Spring, St. Patricks Day, parades, more, Celebrate the gree.

Someone mixed tomato juice with their beer, They had to drink it 'cause money was dear, It tasted just fine, A bit like red wine, Bu...

Sally was a remarkable beauty queen, Her skin had the most fantastical sheen, All men had a lovers brain, What she was paid was insane, ...

I wrote a limerick about County Cork, It involed eight Irishmen eating pork, Their wives ate lots of pig, Then they all danced a jig, An...

I was in love with a girl named Izzy, When I asked her out she was real busy, I thought I had tarried, Because Izzy got married, But, ma...

MS Mertle is a toilet installer, She once was a finish drywaller, She went to a toilet college, To gain a great deal of knowledge, She...

My dad had a coon hound, It was a vicious dog of prey, It was a creature that was unbound, It hunted night and day, My dad was a terrib...

Rippy liked to take a snort, Of his homemade wine, He drank it when he woke-up, And, every time he’d dine, One day he ran out of homema...

Because gasoline prices are going way up, I have no money on which to sup, I'll sell my blood, Borrow from my best bud, Still, I can...

Marnie put out for close inspection, Her entire mint stamp collection, It was a high value estate, That she would share with a mate, I d...

Andy ate only kosher dills, Only kosher dills gave Andy thrills, He once ate a sweet pickle, That put Andy in a fickle, He broke out wit...

Weirdo, weirdo can you see all, Or are your psychic scenes a stall, Is there a chance? Your mind is full of romance, When she dumped you...

Betsy, late for work, Missed buss again, walk too far, Called in sick again. Betsy's schedule is very pliable, She is late and call...

My heart is an aching valentine, My girlfriend left me so now I wine, I'm no good at romance, But, thought I'd take a chance, I ...

Well today is Valentines Day, And, I’ve got something to say, Forget flowers and candy, Just bring me some brandy, The day seems much br...

Mary, Mary liked her dairy, She liked eggs,ice cream and cheese, She could eat ice cream by the gallon, And yet, Mary would never freeze,...

Frank likes to go swimming in lakes full of muck, That's where he'll go swimming with any luck, He likes the muck squishing betwee...

Paula was an inch worm who really liked to play, She inched around on her belly every day, Then, along came her dad, He said Paula was ba...

The problem with nose slugs as you all know, Is you must pick and pull at them or they won't go, They don't come out on their own,...

This is called the year of the rabbit, I have to break my rabbit hunt habit, So, I’ll go hunting for squirrel, Though their taste makes m...

Each morning you wait for the light of day, You think that the sun always rises, But, what if that daybreak never comes, Then, you’ll kno...

My girlfriend is crazy, She says that I am lazy, I try to work, But, I'm a jerk, I just want a big raizy.

When you’re living in a trailer, You can have a wood stove failure, Cramming in wood just more and more, Til fire rolls out on the floor,...

Need rich girlfriend, I play computer games, drink, Need money for both.

Now it is again January first, We hope for good but, fear the worst, Things aren't so sunny, In a world with no money, I'm afrai...

I use to sell pretty flowers and shrubs, But, my business was overrun with grubs, Grub poison is never free, It was too expensive for me,...

Santa bought a cheap sleigh made of plastic, He thought the cost savings were simply fantastic, But, the sleigh would not steer, Into tre...

Oh mighty Christmas tree, Why did I cut one so tall, You broke the light in the foyer, And gouged the walls up in the hall, Oh mighty C...

Hang, kitchen cupboards, Screws short, unsecured, crash, Dishes, glass breaking.

Willie goes out into the snow, He is buried because of how hard it blow, But where melting snow drips, He finds some parsnips, Now Willi...

There was a red brick named Dave, Each day he would rant and rave, He was part of a wall, That stood eight feet tall, He wished to be pa...

John saw two snowballs fly at his face, He tilted his head and beat them with grace, Then he bent down, Saving his crown, But, was pelte...

Eddy had no money and felt beat, He had been unemployed for years, Eddy was homeless with nothing to eat, His last meal was of tears, E...

There was a chimpanzee his name was Lee, He lived in a zoo but yearned to be free, So he sewed himself cloths, Took on a human pose, The...

There once was a math teacher named Mr. Cox, Those that had his class suffered a nasty pox, He would not give out an "A", And ...

Turkey Day carving, Manna peels, soft, sweet, flesh, yum, Heavens tasty meat.

Black Friday comes only once a year, The sales are great when money is dear, The stores slash the price, Up to 70% which is nice, That l...

TRAVERSE BAY TIME Traverse Bay is big and blue, It’s water fun through and through, You can cross with a boat, Or else swim or just flo...

There was a leprechaun named Sue, Her hair was red, her eyes were blue, A man from the city, Thought she was real pretty, So, he married...

KALKASKA TIME Kalkaska is a place with bears, They’re one of Mother Nature’s terrors, If you hear one grunt, You must not confront, Co...

Roy was a great big summer moth, He only ate pure cotton cloth, He would never play fair, He ate holes in underwear, The drafts made you...

Poor little Georgie was teased out of school, The kids and the teachers said he was a fool, But, after many years Georgie finally got even...

Real cheap bottled wine, Bittersweet kiss on the lips, Burns when you go pee,