LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

My dad had a coon hound, It was a vicious dog of prey, It was a creature that was unbound, It hunted night and day, My dad was a terrib...

Rippy liked to take a snort, Of his homemade wine, He drank it when he woke-up, And, every time he’d dine, One day he ran out of homema...

Because gasoline prices are going way up, I have no money on which to sup, I'll sell my blood, Borrow from my best bud, Still, I can...

Marnie put out for close inspection, Her entire mint stamp collection, It was a high value estate, That she would share with a mate, I d...

Andy ate only kosher dills, Only kosher dills gave Andy thrills, He once ate a sweet pickle, That put Andy in a fickle, He broke out wit...

Weirdo, weirdo can you see all, Or are your psychic scenes a stall, Is there a chance? Your mind is full of romance, When she dumped you...

Betsy, late for work, Missed buss again, walk too far, Called in sick again. Betsy's schedule is very pliable, She is late and call...

My heart is an aching valentine, My girlfriend left me so now I wine, I'm no good at romance, But, thought I'd take a chance, I ...

Well today is Valentines Day, And, I’ve got something to say, Forget flowers and candy, Just bring me some brandy, The day seems much br...

Mary, Mary liked her dairy, She liked eggs,ice cream and cheese, She could eat ice cream by the gallon, And yet, Mary would never freeze,...

Frank likes to go swimming in lakes full of muck, That's where he'll go swimming with any luck, He likes the muck squishing betwee...

Paula was an inch worm who really liked to play, She inched around on her belly every day, Then, along came her dad, He said Paula was ba...

The problem with nose slugs as you all know, Is you must pick and pull at them or they won't go, They don't come out on their own,...

This is called the year of the rabbit, I have to break my rabbit hunt habit, So, I’ll go hunting for squirrel, Though their taste makes m...

Each morning you wait for the light of day, You think that the sun always rises, But, what if that daybreak never comes, Then, you’ll kno...

My girlfriend is crazy, She says that I am lazy, I try to work, But, I'm a jerk, I just want a big raizy.

When you’re living in a trailer, You can have a wood stove failure, Cramming in wood just more and more, Til fire rolls out on the floor,...

Need rich girlfriend, I play computer games, drink, Need money for both.

Now it is again January first, We hope for good but, fear the worst, Things aren't so sunny, In a world with no money, I'm afrai...

I use to sell pretty flowers and shrubs, But, my business was overrun with grubs, Grub poison is never free, It was too expensive for me,...

Santa bought a cheap sleigh made of plastic, He thought the cost savings were simply fantastic, But, the sleigh would not steer, Into tre...

Oh mighty Christmas tree, Why did I cut one so tall, You broke the light in the foyer, And gouged the walls up in the hall, Oh mighty C...

Hang, kitchen cupboards, Screws short, unsecured, crash, Dishes, glass breaking.

Willie goes out into the snow, He is buried because of how hard it blow, But where melting snow drips, He finds some parsnips, Now Willi...

There was a red brick named Dave, Each day he would rant and rave, He was part of a wall, That stood eight feet tall, He wished to be pa...

John saw two snowballs fly at his face, He tilted his head and beat them with grace, Then he bent down, Saving his crown, But, was pelte...

Eddy had no money and felt beat, He had been unemployed for years, Eddy was homeless with nothing to eat, His last meal was of tears, E...

There was a chimpanzee his name was Lee, He lived in a zoo but yearned to be free, So he sewed himself cloths, Took on a human pose, The...

There once was a math teacher named Mr. Cox, Those that had his class suffered a nasty pox, He would not give out an "A", And ...

Turkey Day carving, Manna peels, soft, sweet, flesh, yum, Heavens tasty meat.

Black Friday comes only once a year, The sales are great when money is dear, The stores slash the price, Up to 70% which is nice, That l...

TRAVERSE BAY TIME Traverse Bay is big and blue, It’s water fun through and through, You can cross with a boat, Or else swim or just flo...

There was a leprechaun named Sue, Her hair was red, her eyes were blue, A man from the city, Thought she was real pretty, So, he married...

KALKASKA TIME Kalkaska is a place with bears, They’re one of Mother Nature’s terrors, If you hear one grunt, You must not confront, Co...

Roy was a great big summer moth, He only ate pure cotton cloth, He would never play fair, He ate holes in underwear, The drafts made you...

Poor little Georgie was teased out of school, The kids and the teachers said he was a fool, But, after many years Georgie finally got even...

Real cheap bottled wine, Bittersweet kiss on the lips, Burns when you go pee,

My best buddy Mackie just got a divorce, His wife was in love with another of course, Unfair was the court, With the child support, It’s...

MANCELONA TIME Mancelona had a pig roast, They ate their pig with eggs and toast, But then someone muttered, Their toast was not butter...

A witch cursed a bad man named Roy, She turned him into a float toy, He was a toy boat, But, he could not float, He was sank by a bad li...

A strange looking man with his gray hair on the fly, He had strange barred whiskers but, he was sober and spry, At the governors debate he...

There was a mad scientist named Jones, His online screen name was "thebones", He would spend his whole day, With his own DNA ...

Jessie made a painting, It was a village by the sea, But, her bad luck was a tainting, The village was flooded by broken lei.

Within Jerry there was an evil Id, It made him do bad things, He’d throw stones at the morning doves, And, pull off butterfly wings, Th...

There was a congresswoman named Belle, Her vote was always there to sell, She would take any bid, That's all that she did, That'...

There was an old banker named Gene, Everyone knew he was mean, He would charge huge fees, Put you down on your knees, His interest rates...

There was a crocodile named Larry, When he grabs your leg it's really scary, One day near the beach, He grabbed an old teach, Who wa...

Shelia was a big white cow, She ate up all the grass, But, when at night she did lie down, She passed enormous gas.

When the garden frost comes too soon, A dirge for my plants is my tune, If I would harvest too early, My food would taste squirely, A je...

My savior is a two by for, I keep right beside my door, When a creep comes my way, I wish him a good day, If he attacks I give him what ...

There was a very big pig named Mortie, He was depressed because he turned forty, He ate cottage cheese and cheddar, The cheese made Morti...

A Petoskey stone I sold today, I sanded and polished since early May, It sold for a buck, It was not good luck, To send it out I had thr...

I started to polish a Petoskey stone, It's a fossil corral not a fossil bone, It lived in the Devonian Era, On our little planet call...

There was a chicken named Grover, Who yearned for the end of October, Because Mr. Turkey, Was a real turkey Jerky, Yet, in November his ...

Phil told his grandma that he liked to blog, She gave him wood shoes to dance the clog, When Phil scratched-up the floor, His mom said no...

I knew a nice girl from Mancelona, She was always talking on her cell phona, She’d call her boyfriend Rick Pain, Who lived in old Spain, ...

There was a young ship rat named Sherman, The sailors all called him a vermon, But, when the ship caught on fire, And, things looked real...

There was a French poodle named Doris, She fell in love with a dash hound named Morris, But, Morris did not care, He had affair after aff...

The thing that old Basil feared the very most, Was when his mother-in-law became a ghost, She would not go away, She stayed night and day...

By Leigh Collin Brandt Behind the flowers in pots of clay, Behind the smiles while children play, There is no other, Like your mother, ...