THE POLTERGEIST PIGS

My pigs became poltergeist haunting critters,
They were all determined to give me the jitters,
Because ham and bacon yesterday,
Was their fate for my pay,
But, their haunting I'll shake off with some bitters.

101421

 

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS

It's the holiday known as "April Fools",

It's the day they close down all the schools,

Daddy locks up his power tools,

Mommy reminds us of house rules,

But puppy, he just farts and drools.

THE FADING CLONES

It is for my great species, uber humiliating,

I am a clone suffering from replicative fading,

Soon, our species will be no more,

Just dying tissues on the floor,

If we weren't cloned in a beaker, we'd be planet invading.

SANTA, THE SNOW MONSTER AND THE ITTY BITTY

Santa went walking one night, and met a snow monster, and she was pretty,

The snow monster came up north, because the snow had melted in the city,

In the city, there were humans to eat,

Santa shared with her his best reindeer meat,

They ate deer meat all summer, the tastiest deer were the itty bitty.

WAGNER AIN'T NO BRAHMS

I went to the Symphony to hear me some Brahms,

When I get really stressed out, the Brahms music calms,

But, as the Valkyries roared,

My blood pressure soared,

Both armrests got all wet, from my tight gripping palms.

102823

BOB AND THE THREE BEARS

Bob was sleeping all quiet, in his warm bed upstairs,

When he awoke hearing footsteps of three, great big bears,

When they entered his bedroom,

Bob wet his bed, fearing doom,

The bears were good neighbors, sharing a basket of pears.

12724

BEWARE THE HUNGRY BEAR HAIKU

Beware, hungry bears,
People taste just like chicken,
A real treat for bears.

10722

THE DANCING PIG AND THE POOL BOY

This morning, I saw a feral hog, and he was dancing in my neighbor's yard,

The big beast showed off such amazing dance moves, that he caught me totally off  guard,

I still went and got my gun,

Thought I'd have some pork by one,

When I got back, I saw the big pork beast dancing with the pool boy, named Gerard. 

AS THE MEN IN MY FAMILY AGE

100% of the men who age, will physic change,

Their belts will ride down low, in a below the belly range,

As their bones shrink smaller,

Young people will seem taller,

And, when their hair falls out, they will look bald or sick with mange.

THE BELL TOLLS FOR MY GOLDFISHES

My mom told me to clean my goldfish bowl,
I ignored her and left them smelly in their hole,
Mom got mad as a badly bugged bee,
So, in the bird bath set my fish free,
A robin made my fishes bell toll.

101122

WHERE THE BOOGEYMAN BE

There was a boogeyman who hung around a boogey-bog,

He had a big boogey-cat, and a little boogey-dog,

He drank boogey-beer,

He ate boogey-deer,

Then the bad boogeyman would sleep under a boogey-log.

82424

I JUST WANTED TO UNLOAD MY FISH CATCH AT THE QUAY

I wanted to unload my fish catch up at the quay,
But the harbor master said I should stay far away,
He said my fish were stinking up the town,
My boat should be sunk down,
And that’s where my fish catch should stay.

72723

ME AND THE ANGELS SING

When I fell out my window; I slapped the pavement, and knew I was doomed,

I bled out on the meat wagon, and at a fairly young age, entombed,

My bod did not hurt very long,

Before hearing the Angel's song,

I guess all my pain and suffering, was how for the high choir, I was groomed.

Date:  33026

DOWN LOW PRICING HOPE, AND WEAK KNEES

The price of groceries has brought me down on my weak knees,

I just bought two slices of bread, and a thin slice of cheese,

I was charged 200 bucks,

I paid it with cash, oh shucks,

I've gone down low, hoping the higher prices would soon ease.

RAINY, RAINY, RAIN LIMERICK

Rainy, rainy, rain,
The universe has found its drain,
The outdoors smells wet and rank,
Like an overflowed septic tank,
Spring showers bring depression and pain.

42711

PATRONS GET STUCK IN A DART SPORTS BAR (Go Figure?)

I received a summons, to go see the great judge, in court,🏛

The great judge said, he had a very, concerning report,🐿

While at the dart club, playing darts,🎯

I hit three patrons, in their hearts,😭

The judge said until I got eye ware, my sport I must abort.😠

4925

I MOTORBIKE: FRUIT AND SPLATTER

I bought a little motorbike, so I could journey into town,

The flying bugs splat me in the face, and that makes me have a frown,

In town, my face gets a quick wipe,

I buy fresh fruit that is just ripe,

I soon travel back to my home, the bug splatter won't keep me down.

71024

A MOLDY OLD GEEZER IN LOVE

It was six or seven in the evening, when Grandad Perry caught his cold,

He lived in a nursing home, and was so ancient, his body was mostly mold,

He said to me, "Stuart, hey,

Today, I will pass away,"

I looked out for grandad for twelve years, and he left his wealth to his nurse, Miss Gold.

THE MAGIC VOLES LIMERICKS

I went out in the snow and made a hole,

At the bottom of the hole there was a vole,

 The vole said, "you know voles are magic in Mich,

So, I'll grant just one wish," 

The vole wished he had hot soup in a bowl.

Voles can make magic and I met one that cursed me,

Now, I can't work with numbers because I can't count past three,

It gets better yet,

Don't know the alphabet,

Cursed voles make me ignorant and free. 

The magic vole liked to play French horn, trumpet and flute,

In fact, he could play anything that made the noise of a toot,

He could beat on a drum,

Sing tenor and hum,

 And, when the police showed up he could scoot.

122023

MYRNA PLAYED THE PIPE ORGAN LIMERICK

Myrna played the pipe organ,
She did not play it very well,
That’s why all around her home,
The neighbors all wanted to sell,

 Myrna chased all the dogs away,
And, the little kitty cats too,
Her horrible noise was just so bad,
 Away all the birdies flew,

Myrna‘s husband at last had enough,
 He stuffed full, the pipes with gum,
So, Myrna took up a new instrument,
And, started beating on her drum.

111722

GRANDMA VS. DINOSAUR

The dumb dinosaur, he just went way too far,

When he ate up grandma's old Volkswagen car,

Grandma used her big straw broom,

It was the dinosaurs doom,

Now, his bones decorate grandma's coffee bar.

102523

MY TREK ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

I had a little spaceship,

But, It did not travel far,

It launched sideways thirty feet,

And, was run over by a car,

My space travels were never great,

I never made it to distant stars,

My trek across this universe,

Has been in trains, boats, planes and cars. 

121323

 

I WENT INTO THE WOODS HUNTING FOR BEARS

I went into the woods hunting for bear,
But, a Bigfoot had already been there,
He ate all the bears,
Except, for some hairs,
And then, those hairs were no more than two pair.

13122

MY FAVORITE JELLYBEANS LIMERICK

The Jellybean Mean by lcb.

I went and bought some jellybeans,
There were reds, and blues, yellows and greens,
But, the purples were the treat,
They were more sour than sweat,
And, rare as defined by any means.

22823

FANGS OF REVENGE

In my garden there was a poisonous snake,

He was waiting for a murderous break,

And, he found a win,

As his fangs pierced my skin,

Revenge for his mom's death by my rake.

12623

THE CANARY AND THE RAVEN, A CAUTIONARY TALE

I had a big pet raven, and he liked to eat canary,

He used to eat them by the bunch, like a small, yellow berry,

The canary birds worked together,

Netted my raven in bad weather,

Then, they roasted and ate him, in a scene that was real scary. 

101923

INFLUENCER LOOKSMAXXING, TRENDING WORLDWIDE

Larry has been busy with looksmaxxing for the past twenty-four weeks,

Larry wants to be much better looking, that's the career path he seeks,

Larry is a model and an actor,

An influencer, a social factor,

Larry's lifestyle is financed by billionaires; most are techno geeks.

UNCLE LEE ON SATURDAY NIGHT

It's a Saturday night out for my old Uncle Lee,

He can kick up his heels, for a small price, nearly free,

There's  cards, darts, bingo and bowling,

Romance: there's vacant lot trolling,

Many find their true love, under the hazel nut tree.

12724

WHY DREAM OF MARS

Celine looked out the window at cars,
While dreaming of moving to mars,
But, mars is all gravel and rocks,
With sundial tic-tocs,
And, all there dream of moving to stars. 

102822

THE FOUR DIMENSIONAL GAMBLING PROJECT

I went to the moon, and fell down into a deep pit,

There I found an alien boxed, space-time, travel kit,

I traveled back to sports games

Bet some money on some names,

I won billions of dollars, now I'll rest for a bit.

82424

MY GIRLFREIND IS A VAMPIRE STORY

Mike Colin

STEPHANIE
By Mike Colin
Reporter
Humor News Nuts Publications
In honor of Halloween (All Hallows Eve), I have been assigned to search out local vampires and interview them for this blog. I have no other formal duties for this month. This assignment could literally bite.

Luckily, I did not have to look far for my first interviewee (vampire victim). It seems my girlfriend Stephanie is a vampire. What luck for me, hey? I always thought she was just one of those Goth people. She dresses in black and wears black eye make-up and nail polish. Her arms each have a pair of tattoos of fangs with dripping blood running
down from the fangs. I thought she was kind of cool.

I met Stephanie at a really exclusive club. I was living under a bridge at the time (living under bridges is called trolling in Northern Michigan). Since I was just a local troll, I was never allowed in the exclusive night club called "Jack’s Bloody Brew". Jack’s is one of those new brew pubs that are all over Northern Michigan. Jack’s is famous for beers like Blood Light and Bloody Barry Beer. This beer is not sold in stores so, you can only buy this beer at the club but, I had a friend who got one for me once and it really tastes just like blood with a kick to it like backyard whiskey. I had a really bad hangover the next day.

As I said before, I was never allowed anywhere near this club. A big muscled bald guy stood at the door and if I even walked by the place he would snarl at me. This guy had teeth that looked like fangs so I was quick to get the heck away from there. One night about midnight I happened to be walking by on the opposite side of the street when I saw this beautiful brunet go up to the bald muscle dude and give him the biggest hickey on the neck. It was such an intense hickey that when the gorgeous girl came up for air, I saw blood dripping down the big dude’s neck. I thought that must of hurt but, the bald guy seemed to like it. It put him in a really great mood and he opened the door to the club and hand gestured for me to cross the street. I almost ran across traffic to get inside the bar. The bald guy kept the door held open until I was inside then, he quickly shut it up so no one could drift in behind me.

The only light in the bar came from a few dim candles. I guessed that these people really like to drink in the dark. Maybe the place wasn’t very clean and they didn’t want any bright lights to show up the dirt. The room was draped in black drapes with red pictures on them. I guess these drapes with pictures are called tapestries. The pictures were all of dragons, bats, wolves and, other monsters. It seemed kind of weird but, the weirdest thing about this club was that there were no foosball games or pool tables. The place didn’t even have a dart board. There was a bar so, I decided to try one of their famous home brewed beer (if I could afford it).

I saw the girl that had given the bouncer a hickey at the bar so I sat down on the bar stool next to her. The bartender must have been an identical twin of the brawny bald bouncer out front. Like his brother, the bartender snarled at me with his fangs and said "we serve only club members here".

Then, suddenly the girl next to me leaned across the bar and gave the bartender an intense hickey like she had done to the guy outside. When the girl came up for air the bartender was bleeding streams of blood from a neck wound. This was like the bleeding the bouncer did outside after his hickey and like the bouncer, the bartender suddenly was really nice to me. "What can I get you?" he asked.

"I don’t have much money. How much is a beer?" I asked.

"The beer is free to club members," the bartender informed me "and you are now a club member. Stephanie here has told me she has sponsored you. As to the type of beer I would recommend to a new club member, I think you should have pint of Bloody Barry Beer. I just got some from Barry this morning. I took almost every drop he had so, you had better drink it now because it will be a while before Barry can make some more."

I ended up trying both beers and they both tasted like blood. The bartender informed me that the beer’s secret ingredient was cow’s blood. I started to push the beer away from me. Then, the bartender reassured me that the drinking blood laden beer was no different than eating a rare steak. I liked rare steak so then and there, I decided Bloody Barry Beer was my favorite beverage but, I just hope Barry the brew master could make some more soon.

The beer had quite a kick to it and this made me able to talk to girls. I turned to Stephanie and introduced myself. When she asked me where I lived I told her I was broke and that I had to live under a bridge. Stephanie told me that if I came back to her house with her she would have a proposition for me. I thought I had nothing to loose so I got into her black Jaguar and went home with her.

It was a really nice new home with an upstairs, a downstairs and, a full basement. It was full of really nice black leather furniture and the walls were all painted blood red. There was a fireplace in every room except the kitchen and laundry room. There were paintings on the walls of the living room of really grotesque looking people. When the large stone fireplace in the living room was lit, the room looked both eerie and beautiful. I liked it.

I guessed Goth people were really cool. When I was in high school I thought Goth kids were just a bunch of outcast nerds. My brother Tim always said Goths were "nerd rejects". If Stephanie is a "nerd reject" then sign me up for Goth school. Not only is she gorgeous but, she has done really well for herself to have a fine home like this. No one in family lives even near this kind of house. Everyone I know just thinks about winning enough money at the casino to make a deposit on a double wide. Madam Misty is the only friend I have that had a big house and, she lost it due to lack of business during this recession.

Stephanie has a nice house and the neighborhood is full of fine looking cribs (I learned from MTV that "cribs" is the cool way to say house". Usually people in these homes call people like me "skuzz". I was surprised the police didn’t show up when I got out of her black Jaguar. Back when my dad worked for Roto Rueter, he was arrested for littering and indecent exposure when he drove into one of these kinds of neighborhoods. The muffler fell off his pickup is the reason he was arrested for littering. When he asked why he was being hauled off to jail for indecent exposure he was told that "you showed your skuzzy face off in this neighborhood and nobody here wants to look at it."

Once Stephanie was finished showing me around her house she told me that she had been watching me live under the bridge. I don’t remember seeing Stephanie anywhere’s near the bridge. There were mostly old men and bats living with me under the bridge. Stephanie also said that she was thinking about putting me out of my misery when she started feeling sorry for me.

Stephanie then said to me, "Here’s the deal. In return for my becoming your girlfriend you will move in here and live in his house. Because of my religious beliefs, you will live in the top two levels of the house and I will live in the basement. You must never enter the basement for any reason and you must make sure that no one else ever goes down into the basement. A girl like me needs her privacy. ’

I of course agreed to all her terms. Stephanie was great. In addition to letting me stay in her house, she let me drive her Jag. There was a problem. I could not help but want to go down into the basement just to sneak a peak at the crib my girlfriend lived in. I felt kind of funny taking over the house from her and her moving down into the basement. There were several bedrooms in the house and I did not see why she could not just stay in one of them.

One day, I decided I would have a look down in the basement. Stephanie was a night person so she stayed down in the basement sleeping during the day. She kept the door locked during the day but, left it unlocked when she went out at night. So, I waited until Stephanie left and then I crept down into the basement. At the bottom of the basement stairs I turned on the light. It was a huge basement but, the only thing in it was a black casket. I went over to the casket and looked inside. Except for a few inches of dirt, the casket was empty. I figured Stephanie must sleep in the casket in the daytime since there was not other furniture in the basement. I thought my new girlfriend is really into some sort of extreme yoga if she is living and sleeping like this. I thought then that maybe the Goth lifestyle isn’t for me?

Things were going o.k. for a while then; my friend Madam Misty told me I had better watch out because my girlfriend was a vampire. I thought at first that Madam Misty had been mixing her apricot brandy with her Mogen David wine again. But, Madam Misty was very insistent so, I had to confront Stephanie and find out what was going on. Madam Misty told me I had better confront Stephanie in public or she might just give me a bad case of the bleeds.

I decided to confront my girlfriend at the club where we met. At least the bar tender would be there should Stephanie turn out to be a vampire. He would certainly keep me away from harm. A big guy like that and his bouncer twin brother should easily be able to take on a female vamp.

The bouncer at the club entrance was gone. I easily opened the door and walked into the bar. Stephanie was sitting at her normal stool at the bar. The bartender looked up at me and said "I just got in a fresh batch of Bloody Barry Beer. Would you like a bottle?"

"Yeah, I’ll take one", I said as I bellied up to the bar beside my girlfriend. "I see your twin from out front isn’t here tonight" I said to the bartender.

"No," the bartender replied, "He’s gone south for the winter and I intend on heading down there tonight myself,"

"I guess you should know Mike," Stephanie began," I’m heading to warmer climates myself. I’m going to Cancun for the winter and I don’t know when or, if I’ll be back here any time soon. I have to move on."

I took a big chug down on my beer. I needed the drink to keep my from falling out of my seat. I was devastated. My relationship with this beautiful woman was over. I couldn't’t bring myself to say anything. The shock of loosing Stephanie put me into a deep stupor.

"Because of your loyalty I’m giving you the house and the car," Stephanie said. "There is some cash beneath the box in the basement. Yes, I know you were down there this evening. I also know you psychic friend told you that I am a vampire and yes it is true. I’m over three hundred years old. I’m a blood sucker but, you know I still am at least part human. I haven’t done so bad by you have I?" she asked.

I shook my head and said "No, you’ve been really good to me. I’ll miss you." I had a tear in my eye. I don’t remember the last time I had a tear from being sad. But, I was really sad.

Stephanie took me by the hand and led me out of the club. Stephanie kissed me gently on the neck (no hickey). Then, Stephanie said "got to fly", as she turned away from me with wings sprouting from her back as her blouse ripped to shreds. Stephanie then leaped into flight with here wings flapping. She rose up to meet several other vampires who were flying in a V formation like they were a flock of geese. Stephanie soon fell into formation and vanished with the other vampires beyond the horizon.

Stephanie left me several thousand dollars for taxes and upkeep on the house. A deed and car title arrived in the mail a few days later. I was all set. It was like I was one of those young guys in Florida who stay with an older lady for a home. The only thing is, if Stephanie returns here in thirty years, I’ll be an old man and she’ll still be young. I hope she comes back one day. Until then, I’ll keep her nice home and car in good shape. The club was closed and no one has opened up anything new at that location. It’s like the club never existed at all.

111023

CHAMOMILE TEA GOES TO HEAVEN, AND NASTY ALE DOES NOT

The ships set sail, full of chamomile, 

There were six, or maybe seven,

The ships set sail, transporting chamomile,

To the ports that receive for heaven.

A ship set sail, full of skunky ale, 

There was just one, called The Beulah Bell,

Beulah Bell set sail, full of tainted ale,

To be delivered where demons dwell.

FRANK AND POLKA DOT THE FROG

Frank saw a frog with polka dots,
He picked it up and then got spots,
He went to doctors for some reports,
But, every doctor said that Frank had warts,
For Frank had been drinking just too much grog,
He couldn't tell a warty toad from a green, horny frog.

8922

BRONSON THE BEAVER BEAR-Limerick

Bronson was a beaver bear,
His species was really rare,
He built damns with logs,
Frightened cats and dogs,
A cave was his main lair.

There once was a beaver bear named Bronson,
He moved to Michigan from Wisconsin,
His body was a black bear,
His beaver head gave a scare,
He married a beaver bear named Johnson.

Z1724

AIR TRAVEL IS EASY, IF YOU KNOW THE RIGHT TUNES

I went to the airport and got stopped by some goons,

They wouldn't let me pass, unless I sang them some tunes,

I knew I could not go wrong,

Singing a lullaby song,

The goons fell asleep; I bet they dream in cartoons.

POOR BILLY HAD NO HELIUM (THE SCARCITY POEM)

Billy loved his helium, and put it in his private, balloon toy,

Billy loved his helium gas so much, we called him, Helium Boy,

Dear Helium Boy, did pass,

The day they ran out of helium gas,

Billy's balloon lies limp on Billy's bed, chewed on by a cat, named Roy.

QUANTUM TUNNELING SAVED MY MARRIAGE

I've been quantum tunneling all of my married life,

It has made for an ideal marriage with my dear, wife,

When the wife enters a room,

Through the wall I quickly zoom,

No contact is the best way to eliminate strife.

SALAD FORKS DON'T HELP PASS GAS

Food prices have gotten really high, so I bought a clearance piece of pork,

It was very slimy and stunk, but when cooked it had the texture of cork,

The result was so very unfair,

My belly bloated with painful air,

I got so bloated from the pork, I let the air out with a salad fork.

TOOTS, FOOTS, LEAVES AND ROOTS: AN ALIEN STORY

There was an alien from Saturn, with a real name of Toots,

She lacked having two, human legs, so they bar nicknamed her foots,

Foots was a fine bar hoping star,

She was different, looked bazaar,

One day, Toots went pee in a park, then sprouted leaves, and dropped roots.

THE LIFE OF A QUANTUM TUNNELER

We are going quantum tunneling, quantum tunneling we will go,

We will move instantly through a wall; how we do it? I do not know,

We quantum tunnel everyday,

Easy work, with executive pay,

Dangerous work, but love the doe; I and friends, Larry, Curly and Moe.

FRAMEMOGGED BY ATTILA THE GORILLA

I went to the local zoo and got framemogged, by a gorilla,

The gorilla had an aggressive name; his name was Attila,

His muscular frame was big, wide,

That made me want to run and hide,

Last time I felt so small, was when I lived with grandma Priscilla.

POPULARITY BASED ON HELIUM

I'm trying to find some helium, because it makes me talk, real silly,

My silly talk is entertaining to my best friends, Ben, Bart and Billy,

I guess helium is rare,

You can't suck it from plain air,

Helium does not come from grandpa, like the gas he makes, eating chili.

END OF THE WORLD PREPARATION, UNDER FIRE

I'm preping for the end of the world to come,

I am being ridiculed, by more than just some,

I've moved into a tent,

With a woodstove and vent,

I hurt, because mom and dad call me a"dum, dum".

IT'S SWATTER TIME

It is spring and it's getting hotter,

It is time to find my fly swatter,

Baby flies are coming out,

They will be chewing about,

And, pooping in my glass of water

HOME EQUITY: IT PUTS GAS IN THE TANK

I drove my pickup truck to the gas station to put gas in my gas tank,

First, I had to get a bank loan, which was backed by the home of Uncle Hank,

High gas prices give me depression,

I have an unhappy confession,

My uncle will be losing his home, when I can't make payments to the bank.

I CAN'T GET ANY HELIUM FOR MY SICK GRANDMA

I cannot get any helium, to put in my big, beautiful balloon,

If I can't find some helium, I am going to be unhappy, soon,

I went to the party, balloon store,

They don't sell helium, anymore,

I need to fill a "Get Well" balloon, to take over to my Grandma Boone.

THE TRINA AT THE MALL POEM

Trina and her mom went to visit Tina's daddy, at the old city mall,

Tina's big daddy worked part-time on weekends,  as a mall cop; his name was Paul,

They shared a lunch, soda pop and fries

They said their "see you later", goodbyes,

Trina's daddy does not come home anymore, because mom caught him in some lies.

BUTCHER THE BEAGLE LIKED TO EAT FLIES

Butcher the beagle liked to eat flies,
High in protein; those crunchy meat pies,
Once he chomped down on a bee,
Which made Butcher see,
When eating he should open his eyes.

112621

MY PANSY IS A WORKING GIRL, AT A HOTDOG STAND IN THE PARK

I shaved and dressed up to visit my dear, girl Pansy, in the park,

Pansy works there at a small hotdog stand, long hours, and after dark,

She'll make your hotdog any way you want,

If you don't like her buns, she has a croissant,

Sometimes, I don't order, and walk away, when I see her husband, Mark.

MEAT + RUG = COST OF A SLUG

I went out to my chicken coup, and ran into a big bear,

He had eaten all of my chickens, but I really didn't care,

For the cost of a slug,

I got a bear skin rug,

I barbeque bear meat for the kids;  my bear stake I eat rare.

EOW PREPPER: DOING IT THE RIGHT WAY, MY WAY

I've stored away over 1 1/2 tons of dried rice, beans and potatoes,

I have 7,000 cans of various types of delicious tomatoes,

It took me great time to learn,

About the fuels to burn,

I prepared for the end the right way, but my sister moved down to Barbados.

I WENT TO THE STORE

I went to the store and the prices were  so high,

I complained about prices to the checkout guy,

Then he called the cops, 

They gave me some bops,

I went to the hospital, but I did not die.

THE SQUIRRELS AND THE NERD

My backpack was full of candy bars, filled with chocolate cream,

The squirrels that were following me, had developed a scheme,

I was a nerd, who wore tin braces,

They tied together, my shoelaces,

I tripped and fell down, and my backpack they swarmed, like a bee team.

SQUEAKY SQUIRES MADE A PLAN

Squeaky Squires laid out a detailed business plan,

To sell cheap crap, and become a big, billionaire man,

Squeaky Squires built big box department stores,

Squeaky made millions just by opening doors,

Squeaky grew up eating sardines from a cheap, tin can.

OVER ECONOMICS, I FRET NO MORE

Prices have made my personal economics a huge disaster,

I had to sell my collection of knick knacks, carved from alabaster,

Poverty takes a terrible toll,

I steal food from the neighbor's doggy bowl,

I've been sold into bondage for my debts; hope I have a nice master.

GREET AND TACKLE: SQUEAKY SQUIRES' THRIFTY STORES

Squeaky Squire's opened dozens and dozens of stores,

They had greeters greeting customers at the front doors,

Greeters were looking for grifters.

Professional shoplifters,

When a thief was spotted, they were wrestled to the floors.

BURGUNDY BLUE RETURNS

It was the return to the city of Burgundy Blue

She was a singer, and dancer and great puppeteer, too.

She knew just how to entertain,

The Genius mind and the half brain,

She would bring down the complete house, in an hour or two.

I'M AN EOW PREPPER.

I'm preparing for the end of the world, nosey ones say,

I've got ninety-five jars of peanut butter, all put away,

I've got a thousand jars of jelly,

Because it fattens a starved belly,

I have a million cans of soda, to clear my throat each day.

IN A SNOW BANK

I slept inside a snowbank, because it is so cold,

It's a hard thing to do, when you're 100 years old,

My increased mortgage, I couldn't pay,

The bank took my small home away,

This may change my future plans, at least how they unfold.

MY DONKEY RAN OFF TO A WARMER CLIMATE

There was a terrible snow blizzard, and my donkey ran far away,

I lost him in the blowing snow, he's in South America, some say,

My donkey was my transport to the village store,

Without him, I can't get groceries, anymore,

My stomach, in one place it won't stay, since I've been eating donkey hay.

THE RETURN OF THE ROBIN RED BREAST

From the south the robin red-breasted came flying,

I was quite tempted and imagined him frying,

Alas, the better angels in me,

Said, "let the red-breasted be free,"

I was appalled, watching the little worms dying.

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I WENT FISHING ON THE IDES OF MARCH

I rowed out upon the bay to fish, on the Ides of March,

I wanted some protein to fry, with my potato starch,

I was caught with some ale,

The police put me in jail,

I stayed there 60 years, and my back bent into an arch.

SQUEAKY SQUIRES' THRIFTY STORES

Squeaky Squires' put a chip in my brain,

So I could cashier at his store up in Maine,

We sell veggies by weights,

Expired goods with old dates,

I'll be your checkout if you use the fast lane.

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WHEN I EAT PERCH AND THEN SLEEP

Every time I eat fried perch and then sleep,

I dream I'm swimming in, out waters, in the way dark and deep,

I'm chased by walleye while, tiny fry are my meat,

I make quick choices to survive and maybe to eat,

And, all around I sense monsters: in the darkness they creep.  

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HENRY WAS MY DEMON FRIEND

Henry was a little demon; a little demon Henry was,

He always got his hair cut in a fun style, he called a "buzz",

Henry baked a nice pudding cake,

He took it to my cousin's wake,

I asked Henry why he  baked a cake, Henry replied, "just because".

THE SIMPLE WINNER

I won a set of new screwdrivers at the bingo hall,

I was so excited, when I got that last number call,

My porch has a loose board,

Now if a screw, I could afford?

I could stand on the board, and stand there real tall.

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I CREATED A MULTIVERSE WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

When I time travel the universe splits apart,

Into one that I've changed, and one that's the same from my start,

So, with this time travel curse,

I've created a multiverse,

This would really hurt my brain, if I were smart.

51022

TRINA AND THE PLAYGROUND RECKONING POEM

Trina's shoes are made of itchy plastics, and her clothes are made of plastics too,

Trina is allergic to all plastics, so she scratches all the time, boo hoo!

Trina can't play on the jungle gym,

She's been banned by a bully, named Tim, 

Trina sat and scratched, while on a swing,

Waiting for the recess bell to go, "ring",

Trina, finally had enough, and lost her cool,

She gave Tim a push, and she was banned from the school.

VAMPIRE ON THE BEACH

The vampire was in his coffin, and it was sitting by the great sea,

The coffin was hidden by some bushes, and guarded by a bumblebee,

When darkness came about,

The vampire came out,

Midnight swimmers every night, met the vampire, and eternity.

OFFICE POLITICS AND AI TECH

My bestest friend at work, my coworker, Jerry lost his mathematics job,

The company replaced him with a newborn AI, energy drinking slob,

I don't know what to say,

Jerry lost all his pay,

I know I'm next to go, unless they fire my enemy, the boss, Bob.

WHERE ARE MY STRAWBERRIES MR. SNOW

If my strawberry plants could enforce their say,

They'd force the spring snowfalls to go away,

Strawberry baby making is hard,

While snow covers every yard,

And, causes a strawberry season delay.

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I GOT KICKED OUT OF MARCHING BAND

Because my trumpet made an awful tone,

I was forced to play the sousaphone,

Because I ate too much starch,

My body wouldn't march, 

Now I sit in the bleachers, alone.

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BERNIE THE BEAVER, TOOTHED TREES FOR THE KING

Bernie was a big toothed beaver, and he toothed down thousands of big trees,

Bernie knew just how to fall them, checking the soil type, and the breeze,

Bernie checked wind speed and direction,

Studied soil types, for perfection,

Bernie felled his trees spot on, tight, and the king beaver, Bernie did please.

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OLD SKEGGEY, THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER

The Skegemog Lake monster attacked my tin boat,
He bit it in half, so it would no longer float,
But, I got a real special wish,
Skeggey was hungry for just fish,
I swam home and this limerick I wrote.

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I'M A SODA POP SHAKER

My soda pop went into my mouth, and jet sprayed out through my nose,

Now, I have soda pop stains upon my brand new, dollar store clothes,

I feel such soda pop, disdain,

And, I've got fizzy in my brain,

I still love shaking up my soda pop, even if my pop blows.

ITCHY CARPET

When I sit down on my carpet I start to itch,

I kind of blamed it on my little pooch, Mitch,

But, maybe it is not my little dog,

It could be my pet pig named Mog,

Or, my gerbils Frank, Leon and Rich.

12722
 

I WENT TO A SPACE STATION

I went to a space station to get some good rest,
But, they ran out of peanut butter, so I had to protest,
Then, they ran out of spaghetti,
That made me one angry yeti,
So, out the airlock they sent me as a pest.

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HEY SNOWMAN, LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE

By Tim Colin

Last night my brothers Ted, Mike, our colleague Gerrard, and I spent the night in a local children’s park waiting to capture one of the strange monsters known by the general public as snowmen. However, professional investigators like us, believe that some snowmen are tainted with evil, and come to life after midnight every December, when the moon is full.  Our organization learned of these evil snow demons from Gerrard’s great grandfather.

Gerrard’s great grandfather is named Hank, and he was born in Germany back in 1902.  Hank lives nearby the park and will often take a dog leash out for a walk through it.  Hank lost his pet poodle 20 years ago, but imagines that the pooch is still alive.  Hank feeds and waters his dog everyday, and after mid-night, he imagines taking his dog for a walk, so the dog can do its business in the children’s park.  Hank had told his great grandson Gerrard that he had seen a large snowman roaming around the park looking for people to switch with its long stick fingers.

According to Hank, people in the village where he was born believed that in December, when the moon was full, the snowmen made by children would come to life and switch the naughty children on the backside with the stick hands that stuck out of the abdomen.  Gerrard told us that this was an old Celtic legend.  I pointed out that the Celts were in Ireland and Scotland not Germany.  Gerrard responded “Well, my grandfather’s village was in the mountains, so he must have been a Highlander.”

I saw absolutely no problem with his logic.  Neither of my brothers said anything, because they have problems locating the United States on a map of North America.  My brother Mike thinks the nations of the world are arranged on the globe in alphabetical order.

Before we started our investigation, I decided to check out the story old Hank told Gerrard regarding a snowman prowling around the children’s park after mid-night.  I listened to a police scanner the other night, and sure enough, there were several reports about an old white man wandering around aimlessly in the park, when it was blowing snow and well below freezing.  I was then sure that the reports must have been about the snowman.  I then decided to assemble a team to sit out in the cold with me, and wait for the dangerous snow beast.  I figured Tim and Mike could fight the dangerous snowman, and since Gerrard was so slow, I could outrun Gerrard if need be, so the snowman would catch up to Gerrard first which would allow for me to escape.  I had things pretty well planned out.   Because no one knew what the snow creature’s intentions might be, I had Mike bring along a baseball bat so we had some means of defense, besides hope and snowballs.

When we arrived at the park last night, it was cold and quiet.  The clouds had parted, revealing a glowing white full moon.  There was a large snowman in the park, and luckily there was a snow fort built near enough to the snowman so we could hide, and observe the creature, and hopefully avoid being switched.   Unfortunately, the fort was not big enough for all four of us, so I persuaded my younger brother Mike, that he should find another place to hide.  He is not too bright, so I suggested that he make a snow angel and lie still in the angel indentation, and that the rest of us would cover Mike up with snow.  Mike made a show angel. We immediately covered him up with snow, and packed it down tightly so it didn’t look like a snow grave.  

Ted, Gerrard, and I hid behind the walls of the snow fort, waiting for the creature to start its demonic movements through the park.  Then a gust of wind blew up and at the same time we all saw the hands and arms of the snowman monster move.  “Did you see that?”  I asked.

“I can’t believe this,” responded Ted.  “I thought this was just a dumb story that Gerrard’s great grandpa made up to scare little kids and big sissies like Gerrard.”

“Well your grandpa believes in leprechauns,” retorted Gerrard.  “Who could believe in people dressed up in green running around with a pot of gold?  Everyone knows people with money work on Wall Street and run around wearing black suits and they keep their money in ATM machines.  I know, because I saw them using ATM machines when I went to New York as a kid.  Or, was that Mt. Pleasant?  I get those two cities mixed up a lot.  I think it was the city that has the bridge that goes to Canada.”

“Would you guys shut up,” I said.  “That thing is still moving out there, and I think it is creeping our way.  Where’s’ the bat?  We need to clobber that thing before it gets us.”

“I think we buried the bat with Mike,” answered Ted.  “We’ll have to ease over to Mike and dig him up in order to retrieve the bat.”

I had a better idea.  “Mike!” I hollered in a whispering voice, “Take the bat up to the monster and bash him in.  I can see the monster is going right for you now so hurry up you slow poke.”  Mike did not rustle under the snow.  He was either too afraid to act, or he had gone to sleep right when we needed him to defend us.  You just can’t count on family for anything.  I knew then that it was up to me to motivate Ted and Gerrard to attack the snow monster and save us all.  I motioned for Ted and Gerrard to ease along over to where Mike was buried.  I followed them.

When we reached my brother Mike, we unburied his face.  I slapped his face a couple of times, but he did not wake up.  Mike is a light thinker but a very deep sleeper.

“He does not look too good,” observed Gerrard.  “Is he still alive?”

“Right now that’s not important,” I responded.  “The important thing is that we need to save ourselves.  Besides, if Mike is completely frozen we can sell his internal organs on the Internet and make a fine profit.  Anyways, I’ll still have Ted here as a brother in case I need a kidney or something one day.”

Then Gerrard held up the baseball bat and said triumphantly, “I found it.”

Then, suddenly there was a tremendous gust of wind and the snowman started waving its arms and hands frantically, like Frankenstein’s monster.  The snowman came at us and I led the charge for about half the distance to the monster, and then I let Ted and Gerrard lead the way with Gerrard holding the bat in one hand with the top held over his right shoulder.  When Gerrard got close to the snow monster, he smashed it in the head with the bat.  With one swing of the bat the head of the monster disappeared.  Then Gerrard knocked off the dangerous branch arms from the beast.  Gerrard had to stop because he was having an asthma attack.  After a few seconds, Gerrard was fine.  Then my brother Mike woke up and came over to congratulate Gerrard for defeating the evil creature.  

I was truly glad that the ordeal was over, and the creature was now just a cowering pile of snow.  I was glad the snowman had not gotten to me because if it switched people for being bad, then I would have been switched a lot, because I have been a very bad boy, several times this last year.

Note:  The above short story is published courtesy of Humor News Outdoors Nuts web site.

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FISH TONS AND NOT TO BE

How many, many tons of salty fish, are in the whole sea?

That was the question that really bothered, the brain cells in me,

I couldn't sleep at night,

My fingernails, I'd bite,

Then when I died,  the question was what is meant by not to be?

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PREPPER MOCKING

I have been prepping for a radioactive, end of the world,

Many stacked pallets of bottled water, and canned food, I have squirreled,

There will come very soon, a reckoning day,

Then, my parents will quit mocking me, I pray,

Perhaps, they'll think of me kindly, as their stomach contents are hurled.

YOUNG DRAGON GRIDDLES

There is a fairly young dragon, who lives down by the big lake,

He lives in a cave made of clam shells, from his picnic clam bake,

Since nice, warm summer weather did pass,

Young dragon hooked his stove up to gas,

And, fired up his griddle to fry a dragon sized pancake.

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MY DOG PATCHES DUG HOLES II

My dog Patches dug a hole to the septic tank,

What he found down there really stank, 

It was the bad smell de jour,

But, Patches enjoyed his sniffing tour,

He licked my face like I was the one he should thank.

112023

MAMA'S SPECIAL HOMEMADE BOLOGNA

I bought 2 goats off the internets, because the goats, they were charming, 

Until, they got lose in my garden, and my garden, they were harming, 

I sent the goats away,

To my mama's to stay,

She turned them into goat bologna, which I found, very alarming.

THE SUN BURNED BRAIN

There was tremendous sunshine, slapping down upon my bare, fleshed skull,

It happened to my cousin Mitch, and he ended up thinking, dull,

Mitch, as the town, dullard thinker,

He became a happy drinker,

Then he'd pass out on the docks, and got pooped on by every gull.

SCHOOL BUDGET CUTS AND THE BAND

They wore loose burgandy shorts and tight, faded, khaki t-shirts,

They were the bare footed marching band, and their feets felt the hurts,

They marched down the street,

With red cuts on their feet,

Afterward, they all went to an eatery, called PIZZA BERT'S

THE BEAR IN THE BARN WAS WAITING FOR ME

I went out to the barn and what surprise did I find,

A bear waiting out there, like a hunter in a blind,

He waited there just for me, 

He poured two cups of coffee,

We chatted and had a chance to unwind.

81523

TWO BIRDS FOUGHT OVER THE SAME NEST

Two birds fought over the same nest,
One was a sparrow; the other a robin red breast,
The sparrow was short and relatively small,
The robin big and by comparison tall,
The sparrow retreated because he thought it was best.

91722

A ROBIN NAMED POKE

There was a robin named Mr. Poke,
He could not find worms and was a joke,
Poor Pokey could not see,
The rattlesnake named Bea,
Bea washed down Mr. Poke with a Coke.

THE FAT WORMS

Danny went to the special foot doctor to check out his feet,

His feet were getting real skinny, although he'd often overeat,

Seems Danny had worms that ate fat,

Would be great, but where they're at,

Doc moved the worms to Danny's belly hoping for a repeat.

4424

CRAZY BENNY WENT DEEP INTO SPACE

Crazy Benny went into deep space,
He went there to save the whole human race,
When he met an alien he said, "check your shoelace",
Then Benny would spray him with his alien mace,

One day Benny met an alien with eyes all over his head,
Benny ran out of mace, then his mind filled with dread,
Then the alien shook hands and said, "My name is Fred,
Why do humans have such fear that you all wet to bed?"

Benny and the aliens became friends really fast,
They buried disagreements deep into the past,
Benny signed trade agreements that would clearly last,
In this new galaxy cheap labor numbers were vast.

100523

SLOWLY, THE REPTILES WIN

I have noticed that local snakes, and our creepy lizards are bigger in size,

Their growth awakens an ancient prejudice; a wish for reptilian demise,

My feelings are condemned as a sin,

But, I fear the reptiles may win,

If they start by eating my pets, then my family, that would be no surprise.

SHE OVERCAME A LACK OF TEETH

My girlfriend for the last six or seven fun years, only has one tooth,

But she has a nice model's smile, six by seven Inches my gal, Ruth,

Her one tooth smile, shocks,

Online critics, I blocks,

Ruth has an important job,  in public at a horror, movie ticket booth.

THE POGO STICK NATION

The pogo stick competition has grown in reputation,

For the pogo stick sport is a hopping sensation,

Pogo stick competition is everywhere you go,

Some compete for duration, others win, place or, show,

The popularity of pogo has triple-digit inflation.

It's clear we have become a pogo stick nation.

022723

ALTERNATIVE EATING

I broke my jaw, and they wired it completely shut,

"I need some food, now", said the ache that came from my gut,

So, I snorkel food through my nose,

Using a thin, long, rubber hose,

But, at the eateries, people must think I'm a nut.

MARCH/SPRING HAIKU

Thinking Spring, bird tweets,
Winter returns, cold, harsh, storm,
Bird tweets?  Bird goes burr!!!!

3611

WHAT HAPPENED TO FIGARO?

I was once a great opera star, and I sang Figaro,

After decades, I could sing the high notes, but couldn't go down low,

Before I retired, 

I was email fired,

Now, I work as a mall Santa, and I sing "HO, HO, HO, HO".

TULIPS FOR ALGERNON.

I had a big tin purple elephant, I named Algernon,

I gave Alger early spring, pink tulips, that he fell upon,

He crushed all the pretty flowers,

Broke them off from their green towers,

I tossed big Al, got a plastic fish, I called him Mastodon.

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