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Friday, July 31, 2015

IT'S 2015 AND THE LAST DAY OF JULY

It's 2015 and the last day of July,
I'm mad at the world because I can't kill this fly,
He out flies my flyswatter,
So, my anger grow hotter,
Oh, why can't this fly simply die.

Monday, July 27, 2015

GEORGIA BURNED HER HOUSE DOWN

Georgia burned her house all up,
Because she used a paper cup,
For a cheap ashtray,
A paper cup didn’t pay,
Now she has nowhere to sup.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

ODE TO GRANDMA MABEL

It was great to sit at the dinner table,
Especially, the one set by old Grandma Mabel,
Her entrees were prophetic,
Of the beef roast tasting poetic, 
And, cherry pies most touted in fable.


Sunday, July 19, 2015

I WENT FISHING FOR STEELHEAD THIS SPRING

They were coming up the rivers to bed,
I had one big one take the hook,
On fishing he wrote the book,
He got away, I got wet, enough said.






Friday, July 17, 2015

THE WATER-SKI TRIP

My wife said our water-ski trip was the worst,
I then felt so bad that I thought I would burst,
I said it was sunny,
She said it’s not funny,
Taking her water-skiing on February first.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

UNCLE JOE HAUNTS: A LIMERICK

Uncle Joe went fishing with a knife,
He missed the fish and ended his own life,
Now he haunts in the water,
In the guise of an otter,
With his otter children and wife.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

A VAMPIRE PHASE? A LIMERICK

There once was a vampire named Maze,
She went on a blood sucking craze,
Her mom went to a shrink,
She asked "What do you think?"
He said, "Maze was just in a phase".

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

MABEL THE MUSKRAT STUNK TO HIGH HEAVEN LIMERICK

Mabel the muskrat stunk to high heaven,
She smelled worse than a skunk by seven times seven,
She couldn‘t find any mate,
So, she married really late,
She tied the knot at the old age of eleven.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

TOBIAS WILLIS NICOLAS SHORT

Tobias Willis Nicolas Short,
Was once chief council to the mighty king's court,
But, he engaged the king in intellectual sport,
Then, off to the war front he had to report,

Tobias Willis Nicolas Short,
Led his troops on a charge that he had to abort,
"Coward" they called him back at the fort,
"It was an unattainable win" was Short's own retort,

Tobias Willis Nicolas Short,
Sentenced to die in some foreign port,
Then, shot by some soldiers that gave him escort,
While, Short clutched a picture of his mother Dort. 

Monday, July 6, 2015

A STARFISH NAMED ZEB

There was a young starfish named Zed,
Each evening he wet to bed,
His bed was not dry,
So, poor Zed would cry,
Then, blamed his pet catfish named Ted.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

EACH JULY UPON THE FIRST

Each July upon the first, 
That's when the fireworks begin to burst,
It's just three days away,
From the official firework's display,
And, early booms are definitely the worst.


Monday, June 29, 2015

A RATTLESNAKE WAS ON MY DECK

A rattlesnake was on my deck,
It was really hotter than heck,
He asked me for a beer,
I said I had none here,
He bit me now I am a wreck.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

MY MEDS, FEDS AND PRISON BEDS LIMERICK

I forgot to take my meds,
When I made my taxes out for the feds,
Then, the feds got real mean,
Said my statement's unclean,
Now, in prison I'll be making my beds.


Thursday, June 25, 2015

A MUSHROOM GAVE ME A "WANTS MORE" ATTACK

I found a mushroom near my shack,
It was growing juicy and black,
It tasted great,
That sealed my fate,
To suffer a "Wants More" attack.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

KAREN THE POPLAR TREE

There was a poplar tree named Karen,
For her looks it was not worth starin',
When the lumberjack came round,
Karen was cut right down,
As firewood Karen is flarin'.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

THE DANCE FOR ROMANCE LIMERICK

To find someone to share romance,
Bently liked to do a dance,
He did a polka-twist,
With bent Egyptian wrists,
And, finished off with a rooster prance.

Friday, June 19, 2015

I had a robot I named Wizard,
He was a sentient, eight foot long lizard,
He had a big boil,
Which burst to leak oil,
Which sprayed from his robotic gizzard.


Wednesday, June 17, 2015

A BROKEN WRISTA FOR A VIEW OF A VISTA

I went out on a ledge to view a beautiful vista,
Then, got shoved off the ledge by my meanie sista,
Well, downward I fell,
Got klonked in the bell,
And, broke my leg, my back and, my wrista.

Monday, June 8, 2015

THE FORTUNE COOKIE BLUES

I have the fortune cookie blues,
Because my cookie gave me bad news,
At my upcoming weddin'
There will be Armageddon,
When my in-laws drink too much booze.


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Saturday, June 6, 2015

HAZEL THE POLITE COW

Hazel was a very polite cow,
She would courtesy if the bull would bow,
She would always moo “Hi!”
When strangers walked by,
She was nice in the here and the now.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

I'M GLAD MAY IS OVER

Well, I can't lament the month of May,
I'm just glad the month has gone away,
The kids both got sick,
My wife left me for some chick,
And, my boss gave me a big cut in pay.

Monday, May 25, 2015

TODAY IS MEMORIAL DAY

Today is Memorial Day,
So, let's remember those left in the past,
And, thank them in our quiet thoughts,
For legacies they built to last.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

MY KITTY HAD A SQUEAKY TOY

My kitty had a squeaky toy,
Shaped like a mouse it brought great joy,
On the morn of each day,
Squeaky mouse got such play,
By afternoon it would really annoy.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

THE COMPUTER SCREEN HAIKU

Computer screen bright,
Eyes dry,red,hard to read screen,
Read screen,now nap time.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

A SWAN NAMED SANDY

There once was a big swam named Sandy.
She liked drinking apricot brandy,
She went out on the bay,
Drank her brandy all day,
Then, slept where she found it was handy.

Monday, April 27, 2015

JIM ATE SOME TAINTED SALMON

Jim ate some salmon that his ex-wife had canned,
Tainted with bacteria, it should have been banned,
Jim had the heaves and the squats,
The gray tears and red snots,
He ached in every bone and each gland.

Friday, April 24, 2015

MABEL COOKED FOR HER PET MOUSE

Mabel made a dish of fresh grouse,
She made it for her little pet mouse,
The mouse would not eat the dish,
He preferred to eat only fish,
So, Mabel went fishing for the louse.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

WHAT FLOATS IN MY SOUP

What floats in my soup I must say?
Have a beak, a stinger and toupee,
I think that I'll stop,
With what floats on top,
And, let what lies below simply lay.  

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

I'M THROUGH BECAUSE MY TAXES ARE DUE

Today my income taxes are all due,
I can't pay them so, I guess I am through,
For my savings expired,
When my broker retired,
He left the country and I can't even sue,

 

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

MY INCOME I NEED TO UPGRADE (FOR TAX PURPOSES)

My income I need to upgrade,
Or, the IRS will be making a raid,
For, my income is small,
And, my tax liability tall,
I wonder how they expect to get paid.


Monday, April 13, 2015

MY INCOME TAX SHORTFALL

My tax forms are due soon this year,
But, cash for taxes well, it just ain't here,
I divorced my spouse,
Sold my business and house,
Still, I'm  coming up way short I fear. 


Thursday, March 26, 2015

CAMELOT

There once was a kingdom called Camelot,
A greasy spoon diner about marks the spot,
They once had a king,
Who just liked to sing,
He died poor and he didn't have a pot.



FISHING ON THIN ICE

I went fishing on thin ice on the river,
The ice gave way and I froze my toes and my liver,
Now, everything is fine,
Though, my liver can't take wine,
But, a glass of whisky does ward off the shiver.


Wednesday, March 4, 2015

WHEN AT THE GREEN LIGHT I DID LINGER LIMERICK

When at the green light I did linger,
The driver behind gave me the finger,
When I stepped on the gas,
The finger-driver did pass,
Yelling insults for his final zinger.



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Sunday, March 1, 2015

THE POLTERGIEST

There once was a really poor poltergeist,
Who thought he'd pull off a casino heist,
But, since his body was unreal,
He couldn't grab much, less steal,
Being dead just zapped all his fiest.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

THE END OF FEBRUARY LIMERICK

The end of February has come at last,
It's ranked in a very low caste,
Not a favorite month that you'd pick,
Unless your mind is real sick,
And, Don't remember warm months in the past.

Monday, February 23, 2015

LITTLE PA MURPHY HAD COWS ON HIS RANGE

Little Pa Murphy had cows on his range,
That had all come down with a bad case of mange,
The steaks were laid bare,
As the cows lost their hair,
The bare cows looked utterly strange.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

I LOVE TO BUY CANDY ON VALENTINE'S DAY

I love to buy candy on Valentine's Day,
I eat it myself and don't give it away,
When calories bring such despair,
It would be selfish to share,
So, I'll unselfishly eat candy and pay.

Friday, February 13, 2015

I'M A LONELY VALENTINE

St. Valentine's day comes up year after year,
But, not once on that date I'm with one who is dear,
But, maybe sometime,
When, I'm long past my prime,
I'll sit not alone with my beer.


Thursday, February 12, 2015

A HICKORY NUT LIMERICK

A hickory nut fell out of a tree,
It bounced off my head and pieced through my knee,
The doctor said well,
You have a thick skull,
But, soft in the knee bone I see.

Monday, February 9, 2015

MY EYE PECKING PET CHICKEN GETS FOILED LIMERICK

My pet chicken liked to peck at my eyes,
And, his pecking gave me so many cries,
Now, I give him no passes,
I wear safety glasses,
He's foiled but, he always tries.


Friday, February 6, 2015

LYNN THE WALRUS LOVED FISH

Lynn was a walrus, whose taste buds loved fish,
From morning till night eating fish was her wish,
Then, one day she ate steak,
Chicken dipped for a bake,
Now, Lynn just loves to eat any meat dish.

Monday, January 26, 2015

THE GREEN GOBLIN NAMED SNOOKI BEAR

There was a green goblin named Snooki Bear,
He liked to give the village a scare,
Then, a leprechaun named O'Malley,
Fought Snooki Bear in an alley,
And, pulled out all of the goblin's nose hair. 

Friday, January 23, 2015

CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP HAIKU

Chicken noodle soup,
More chicken,noodles, less oup,
Hard to find good soup.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

VINCENT THE BARTENDER LIMERICKS

Vincent the bartender didn't think so clear,
He used a recipe to poor a cheap beer,
Instead of tapping a beer keg,
He mixed bourbon and nutmeg,
The popularity soon made bourbon real dear.

Vincent the bartender just lost his job,
His drinks were too strong said the boss-owner Bob,
Thus, the profits were low,
Vincent just had to go,
Weaker drinks made the customers sob.


Friday, January 16, 2015

THERE ONCE WAS A PIG NAMED LITTLE LARRY

There once was a pig named Little Larry,
He was a bachelor because his nostrils were hairy,
No discriminating pig gal,
Would make Little Larry even a pal,
So, he shaved his nostrils so he didn't look so scary.


Tuesday, January 6, 2015

I WENT TO THE MARKET AND BOUGHT ME SOME TROUT

I went to the market and bought me some trout,
I didn't cook it enough and had a belly-ache bout,
I will never, ever eat fish,
Even, as a side dish,
But, I will eat a pig's feet, ears and, snout. 

Sunday, January 4, 2015

MY DOG CRUSTY (RUSTY)

My dog Crusty,
Once named Rusty,
Will misbehave,
So, he won't bathe,
At best my dog smells musty.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

MOOSE GILLIES BREWED BEER

Moose Gillies had a happy New Year,
He had consumed his own bathtub, brewed beer,
But, he brewed it with haste,
So, it had a strange taste,
Shampoo was what it tasted most near.


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Friday, January 2, 2015

THE YETI PILE OF SCAT

In my garden there was a pile of scat,
I first thought is was the work of my cat,
Then, standing there was a yeti,
Which made the pile seem  petty,
The yeti smiled and gave my bald head a pat.