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Sunday, May 31, 2015

I'M GLAD MAY IS OVER

Well, I can't lament the month of May,
I'm just glad the month has gone away,
The kids both got sick,
My wife left me for some chick,
And, my boss gave me a big cut in pay.

Monday, May 25, 2015

TODAY IS MEMORIAL DAY

Today is Memorial Day,
So, let's remember those left in the past,
And, thank them in our quiet thoughts,
For legacies they built to last.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

MY KITTY HAD A SQUEAKY TOY

My kitty had a squeaky toy,
Shaped like a mouse it brought great joy,
On the morn of each day,
Squeaky mouse got such play,
By afternoon it would really annoy.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

THE COMPUTER SCREEN HAIKU

Computer screen bright,
Eyes dry,red,hard to read screen,
Read screen,now nap time.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

A SWAN NAMED SANDY

There once was a big swam named Sandy.
She liked drinking apricot brandy,
She went out on the bay,
Drank her brandy all day,
Then, slept where she found it was handy.

Monday, April 27, 2015

JIM ATE SOME TAINTED SALMON

Jim ate some salmon that his ex-wife had canned,
Tainted with bacteria, it should have been banned,
Jim had the heaves and the squats,
The gray tears and red snots,
He ached in every bone and each gland.

Friday, April 24, 2015

MABEL COOKED FOR HER PET MOUSE

Mabel made a dish of fresh grouse,
She made it for her little pet mouse,
The mouse would not eat the dish,
He preferred to eat only fish,
So, Mabel went fishing for the louse.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

WHAT FLOATS IN MY SOUP

What floats in my soup I must say?
Have a beak, a stinger and toupee,
I think that I'll stop,
With what floats on top,
And, let what lies below simply lay.  

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

I'M THROUGH BECAUSE MY TAXES ARE DUE

Today my income taxes are all due,
I can't pay them so, I guess I am through,
For my savings expired,
When my broker retired,
He left the country and I can't even sue,

 

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

MY INCOME I NEED TO UPGRADE (FOR TAX PURPOSES)

My income I need to upgrade,
Or, the IRS will be making a raid,
For, my income is small,
And, my tax liability tall,
I wonder how they expect to get paid.


Monday, April 13, 2015

MY INCOME TAX SHORTFALL

My tax forms are due soon this year,
But, cash for taxes well, it just ain't here,
I divorced my spouse,
Sold my business and house,
Still, I'm  coming up way short I fear. 


Thursday, March 26, 2015

CAMELOT

There once was a kingdom called Camelot,
A greasy spoon diner about marks the spot,
They once had a king,
Who just liked to sing,
He died poor and he didn't have a pot.



FISHING ON THIN ICE

I went fishing on thin ice on the river,
The ice gave way and I froze my toes and my liver,
Now, everything is fine,
Though, my liver can't take wine,
But, a glass of whisky does ward off the shiver.


Wednesday, March 4, 2015

WHEN AT THE GREEN LIGHT I DID LINGER LIMERICK

When at the green light I did linger,
The driver behind gave me the finger,
When I stepped on the gas,
The finger-driver did pass,
Yelling insults for his final zinger.



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Sunday, March 1, 2015

THE POLTERGIEST

There once was a really poor poltergeist,
Who thought he'd pull off a casino heist,
But, since his body was unreal,
He couldn't grab much, less steal,
Being dead just zapped all his fiest.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

THE END OF FEBRUARY LIMERICK

The end of February has come at last,
It's ranked in a very low caste,
Not a favorite month that you'd pick,
Unless your mind is real sick,
And, Don't remember warm months in the past.

Monday, February 23, 2015

LITTLE PA MURPHY HAD COWS ON HIS RANGE

Little Pa Murphy had cows on his range,
That had all come down with a bad case of mange,
The steaks were laid bare,
As the cows lost their hair,
The bare cows looked utterly strange.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

I LOVE TO BUY CANDY ON VALENTINE'S DAY

I love to buy candy on Valentine's Day,
I eat it myself and don't give it away,
When calories bring such despair,
It would be selfish to share,
So, I'll unselfishly eat candy and pay.

Friday, February 13, 2015

I'M A LONELY VALENTINE

St. Valentine's day comes up year after year,
But, not once on that date I'm with one who is dear,
But, maybe sometime,
When, I'm long past my prime,
I'll sit not alone with my beer.


Thursday, February 12, 2015

A HICKORY NUT LIMERICK

A hickory nut fell out of a tree,
It bounced off my head and pieced through my knee,
The doctor said well,
You have a thick skull,
But, soft in the knee bone I see.

Monday, February 9, 2015

MY EYE PECKING PET CHICKEN GETS FOILED LIMERICK

My pet chicken liked to peck at my eyes,
And, his pecking gave me so many cries,
Now, I give him no passes,
I wear safety glasses,
He's foiled but, he always tries.


Friday, February 6, 2015

LYNN THE WALRUS LOVED FISH

Lynn was a walrus, whose taste buds loved fish,
From morning till night eating fish was her wish,
Then, one day she ate steak,
Chicken dipped for a bake,
Now, Lynn just loves to eat any meat dish.

Monday, January 26, 2015

THE GREEN GOBLIN NAMED SNOOKI BEAR

There was a green goblin named Snooki Bear,
He liked to give the village a scare,
Then, a leprechaun named O'Malley,
Fought Snooki Bear in an alley,
And, pulled out all of the goblin's nose hair. 

Friday, January 23, 2015

CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP HAIKU

Chicken noodle soup,
More chicken,noodles, less oup,
Hard to find good soup.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

VINCENT THE BARTENDER LIMERICKS

Vincent the bartender didn't think so clear,
He used a recipe to poor a cheap beer,
Instead of tapping a beer keg,
He mixed bourbon and nutmeg,
The popularity soon made bourbon real dear.

Vincent the bartender just lost his job,
His drinks were too strong said the boss-owner Bob,
Thus, the profits were low,
Vincent just had to go,
Weaker drinks made the customers sob.


Friday, January 16, 2015

THERE ONCE WAS A PIG NAMED LITTLE LARRY

There once was a pig named Little Larry,
He was a bachelor because his nostrils were hairy,
No discriminating pig gal,
Would make Little Larry even a pal,
So, he shaved his nostrils so he didn't look so scary.


Tuesday, January 6, 2015

I WENT TO THE MARKET AND BOUGHT ME SOME TROUT

I went to the market and bought me some trout,
I didn't cook it enough and had a belly-ache bout,
I will never, ever eat fish,
Even, as a side dish,
But, I will eat a pig's feet, ears and, snout. 

Sunday, January 4, 2015

MY DOG CRUSTY (RUSTY)

My dog Crusty,
Once named Rusty,
Will misbehave,
So, he won't bathe,
At best my dog smells musty.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

MOOSE GILLIES BREWED BEER

Moose Gillies had a happy New Year,
He had consumed his own bathtub, brewed beer,
But, he brewed it with haste,
So, it had a strange taste,
Shampoo was what it tasted most near.


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Friday, January 2, 2015

THE YETI PILE OF SCAT

In my garden there was a pile of scat,
I first thought is was the work of my cat,
Then, standing there was a yeti,
Which made the pile seem  petty,
The yeti smiled and gave my bald head a pat.


Thursday, January 1, 2015

GEORGE CELEBRATED THE NEW YEAR TOO MUCH

George celebrated the New Year,
By drinking way, way too much beer,
He got so sick that he thought he'd die,
Meanwhile the months days would fly by,
He's not sober and February is near.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

I WON'T FORGIVE THAT GNOME

There was a pipe smoking gnome,
He carelessly burned down my home,
They say "live and let live,"
But, I can't forgive,
I'd like to bop him right on his dome.

Monday, December 22, 2014

A HAIKU FOR CHRISTMAS

Christmas day brings joy,
Family and Friends visit,
Children open gifts,

Good cheer to mankind,
Good thoughts to keep close all year,
Don't forget mankind.



Wednesday, December 17, 2014

SANTA'S SALTINE COOKIES

Bob Roy had no time to bake,
Any Christmas cookies for Santa’s sake,
Bob Roy had frosting in a can but, no backers,
So, Bob Roy spread the caned frosting on saltine crackers,

When Santa came down Bob Roy’s wood-stove pipe,
He was covered with soot and had to wipe,
When Santa was done he looked for his traditional eats,
His glass of fresh milk and homemade cookie treats,

Now, Santa had brought Bob Roy something real nice,
It was a homemade jerky maker complete with jerky spice,
Old Santa’s belly needed some food and growled like a bear,
Then Santa found his gift snack but, could not believe what was there,

On the table surrounded with decorations ornate,
Sat many colored saltine crackers on a cookie plate,
Santa was hungry and could not hesitate,
So, all the frosted saltine crackers Santa downed away straight,

The saltines were dry so Santa guzzled down his milk,
Then he wondered what kind of people? What kind of ilk?
Would substitute saltine crackers for cookies anyway?
But, Santa knew he had to get back to his sleigh,

Santa left Bob Roy the jerky maker so Bob Roy would be happy,
Then, up the stove pipe Santa took off feeling kind of sappy,
In exchange for a jerky make complete with jerky maker spice,
Santa got saltine crackers and he thought he itched a bit with lice.







Monday, December 15, 2014

JIM'S HOMEMADE PIZZA

Jim's homemade pizza didn't taste so good,
It tasted like fungus on wet firewood,
It was outhouse-like smelly,
And, made sharp pains in Jim's belly,
It seems the recipe Jim misunderstood.

I HAD TROUBLE ON MT. DOUBLE BUBBLE

I tried to climb Mt. Double Bubble,
It was not long till I had trouble,
The sides were too steep,
The river below was real deep,
But, I missed the river and landed on rubble.

Falling down Mt. Double Bubble real fast,
I didn't see my future but, only my past,
I seldom behaved real good,
I stole and lied when I could,
If I'm lucky I'll end up in cast.

Friday, December 12, 2014

MY DIESEL TRUCK: THE CAUSE OF ALL MY PROBLEMS

I have a truck that’s a diesel and it don’t want to go,
Diesel fuel gets real sticky in the cold and the snow,
I’ll be late for my job,
I’ll be an unemployed slob,
I’d of bought a regular gas truck if only I’d know.

My diesel truck made me so late for work,
I was summarily fired by the boss, who’s a jerk,
Unemployed I and upset be,
My girl friend left me,
Now with not hope my mind is berserk.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

MY INTERNET SLOW CONNECTION LIMERICK

My internet connection is so slow,
Because I’m cheap I suffer this woe,
Phone line connections just stink,
They’ve brought my nerves to the brink,
I think I’ll just signoff and go.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

BARRY BAKED A BACK ACHE

After baking all day in the bakery where he'd bake,
Barry went home with a horrific back ache,
He bought an expensive new bed,
So, he could sleep like the dead,
But, the lumpy mattress kept poor Barry awake.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

MY LAZY LASER-PRINTER

My laser-printer is so lazy,
It's copies come out looking crazy,
I'm not really sure
Of a laser print cure,
Maybe, an ink-jet printer's a daisy.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

SKIP WINTER LIMERICK

I'm sitting on needles and pins,
For, today old winter begins,
It just is so wrong,
That winter's so long,
Why not skip it then everyone wins.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

THE END OF MY POGO-STICK

I ran over my pogo-stick with my old car,
Now I can't pogo, jump high or jump far,
So, I just thought it was best,
To lay my pogo to rest,
Some thought my pogo stick funeral bizarre.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

MY PET BAT GAVE ME RABIES

I had a giant bat,
That lived underneath my sink,
It's body was pitch black,
But, it's tongue was a bright pink,

It liked to lick my forehead,
And bite me on the nose,
And, when I laid down to sleep at night,
It would nibble on my toes,

I got use to my big bat,
It was like he was a pet,
He was not a flying rat,
But, a friend that I had met,

So, I was not very happy,
When my pet bat flew away,
I then came down with rabies and,
Wished I could make that big bat pay.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I WENT DEER HUNTING WITH A SLINGSHOT LIMERICK

I went deer hunting with just a slingshot,
My luck was real good, really not,
The shot bounced off of the deer,
Got lodged in my ear,
And, there it must stay till I rot.


Friday, November 14, 2014

I'M NOT READY FOR DEAR HUNTING THIS YEAR

I'm not ready for dear hunting this year, 
I have the wrong kind of ammo it would appear,
For some doe I won't trifle,
So, I bought buckshot for my riffle,
And, the fit is not really clear.


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

IT'S HARD TO VOTE WHEN YOU'RE SOBRE

I was lectured a patriotic quote
On how I must go out and vote,
But, I couldn't check any box,
For I shook with detox,
And, my flask was in my other coat.

Monday, November 3, 2014

MY ELECTION DAY CHOICES LIMERICK

On election day I just could not choose,
Whoever won meant that I would then lose,
So, I wrote in "Burgers and Fries."
For food tells no lies,
Except, for judges I voted for "Booze." 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

ON ELECTION DAY

On election day I din't capitulate,
And, vote for any names approved by the state,
So, I wrote my own in,
Oh wow, what a sin,
I'll be in prison until 3008. 


Saturday, November 1, 2014

JOHN'S JOB INTERVIEW

John could not find any socks that matched at all,

He ripped his pants and stained his shirt at the mall,
He knew his job interview,
Went completely phew,
When, the interviewer said "I won't call".

Friday, October 24, 2014

THE DANGEROUS MALE BLACK WIDOW SPIDER

I met a black widow spider whose name was Herman,
I didn't smack him flat since he bites only vermin,
I petted his head,
He bit me, I'm dead,
My stupid was recalled at my sermon.