THERE WAS A BIG MAN FROM TOLEDO

There was a big man from Toledo,
He liked to wear a black Tuxedo,
But, when he sat down,
He riped it all round
So now he just wears a black speedo.

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED JANE

There was a leprechaun named Jane,
She moved from Dublin to Southern Spain,
She sold sports cars,
Saved gold in quart jars,
And, made rainbows after each rain.

I KNEW A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SARAH

I knew a leprechaun named Sarah,
She lived in the attic of her aunt Clara,
Oatmeal cookies she sold,
Made a big pot of gold,
So, she bought a diamond tiara .

I KNEW A LEPRECHAUN NAMED JAKE

I knew a leprechaun named Jake,
He only ate banana cake,
If the cake looked nice,
He’d pay any price,
Jake should have learned how to bake.

SAINT PATRICKS DAY HAIKU

First Holiday Spring,
St. Patricks Day, parades, more,
Celebrate the gree.

SOMEONE MIXED TOMATO JUICE WITH THEIR BEER LIMERICK

Someone mixed tomato juice with their beer,
They had to drink it 'cause money was dear,
It tasted just fine,
A bit like red wine,
But, the vomit tasted awfully queer.

SALLY WAS A BEAUTY QUEEN LIMERICK

Sally was a remarkable beauty queen,
Her skin had the most fantastical sheen,
All men had a lovers brain,
What she was paid was insane,
Her body was nice but, her brain cells were clean.

MARCH/SPRING HAIKU

Thinking Spring, bird tweets,
Winter returns, cold, harsh, storm,
Bird tweets?  Bird goes burr!!!!

COUNTY CORK LIMERICK

I wrote a limerick about County Cork,
It involed eight Irishmen eating pork,
Their wives ate lots of pig,
Then they all danced a jig,
And all watched for an incomming stork.

I WAS WITH A GIRL NAMED IZZY

I was in love with a girl named Izzy,
When I asked her out she was real busy,
I thought I had tarried,
Because Izzy got married,
But, maybe Izzy was just really dizzy.

MS MERTLE AND HER CAREER AMBITIONS

MS Mertle is a toilet installer,
She once was a finish drywaller,
She went to a toilet college,
To gain a great deal of knowledge,
She'd like to be an ice road truck hauler.

MY DAD AND HIS COON HOUND

My dad had a coon hound,
It was a vicious dog of prey,
It was a creature that was unbound,
It hunted night and day,

My dad was a terrible shot,
He never could shoot straight,
It is good for my starving family’s lot,
The coon hound got its rate,

The coon hound found the duck and quail,
The coon hound spied the deer,
The coon hound found the rabbit without fail,
And when the DNR was near.

*

POOR RIPPY AND HIS SNORT

Rippy liked to take a snort,
Of his homemade wine,
He drank it when he woke-up,
And, every time he’d dine,

One day he ran out of homemade brew,
He felt panic from mind to sash,
He had no tension deliberator,
He could not buy any without some cash,

Poor Rippy had a mental breakdown,
It seems his mind was made of mash,
In a soft cell Rippy sits in a gown,
Against the walls his head he doth bash.

GASOLINE PRICES

Because gasoline prices are going way up,
I have no money on which to sup,
I'll sell my blood,
Borrow from my best bud,
Still, I can't buy  coffee for my cup. 

MARNIE PUT OUT FOR INSPECTION

Marnie put out for close inspection,
Her entire mint stamp collection,
It was a high value estate,
That she would share with a mate,
I decided to give Marnie my full affection.

ANDY GOT THRILLS FROM KOSHER DILLS-Limerick

Andy ate only kosher dills,
Only kosher dills gave Andy thrills,
He once ate a sweet pickle,
That put Andy in a fickle,
He broke out with hives and had chills,

WERIDO PSYCHIC GETS DUMPED BY GIRLFRIEND LIMERRICK

Weirdo, weirdo can you see all,
Or are your psychic scenes a stall,
Is there a chance?
Your mind is full of romance,
When she dumped you, you didn’t see the fall.

BETSY THE RELIABLE

Betsy, late for work,
Missed buss again, walk too far,
Called in sick again.

Betsy's schedule is very pliable,
She is late and calls in sick a lot,
However,Betsy is so reliable,
You can rely that at work she is not.

MY HEART IS AN ACHING VALINTINE

My heart is an aching valentine,
My girlfriend left me so now I wine,
I'm no good at romance,
But, thought I'd take a chance,
I found love at the bar now I'm fine.

VALENTINES DAY LIMERICK

Well today is Valentines Day,
And, I’ve got something to say,
Forget flowers and candy,
Just bring me some brandy,
The day seems much brighter that way.

TIREMARY, MARY AND HER DAIRY

Mary, Mary liked her dairy,
She liked eggs,ice cream and cheese,
She could eat ice cream by the gallon,
And yet, Mary would never freeze,

Mary, Mary would never tarry,
To fill an omelette with melted cheese,
For to serve an omelette without it,
To Marry was a really cheap tease,

Mary, Mary dated a guy named Barry,
Who was allergic to all dairy foods,
But, every single meal was really scary,
So, Mary dumped Barry for healthier dudes.

FRANK LIKES MUCK

Frank likes to go swimming in lakes full of muck,
That's where he'll go swimming with any luck,
He likes the muck squishing between his toes,
And, any where else the squishy muck goes,
Someday he'll sink down and get stuck.

PAULA WAS AN INCH WORM

Paula was an inch worm who really liked to play,
She inched around on her belly every day,
Then, along came her dad,
He said Paula was bad,
He said she din't measure up any way.

THE PROBLEM WITH NOSE SLUGS

The problem with nose slugs as you all know,
Is you must pick and pull at them or they won't go,
They don't come out on their own,
Until they're full grown,
By then they've crawled way down below.

THIS IS THE YEAR OF THE RABBIT LIMERICK

This is called the year of the rabbit,
I have to break my rabbit hunt habit,
So, I’ll go hunting for squirrel,
Though their taste makes me hurl,
If I see a hare I think I will nab it.

THE SUN ALSO SURPRISES

Each morning you wait for the light of day,
You think that the sun always rises,
But, what if that daybreak never comes,
Then, you’ll know the sun also surprises,

Maybe you’re an old Hemingway buff,
You think there’s light on the other side,
But, if you are a Shakespeare buff,
It’s ok if your main character died.













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MY GIRLFRIEND IS CRAZY

My girlfriend is crazy,
She says that I am lazy,
I try to work,
But, I'm a jerk,
I just want a big raizy.

THE WOOD STOVE FAILURE

When you’re living in a trailer,
You can have a wood stove failure,
Cramming in wood just more and more,
Til fire rolls out on the floor,
Then, you’re running out the door,
And, your trailer is no more.

RICH GIRLFRIEND HAIKU

Need rich girlfriend,
I play computer games, drink,
Need money for both.

THE NEW YEAR RECESSION LIMERICK

Now it is again January first,
We hope for good but, fear the worst,
Things aren't so sunny,
In a world with no money,
I'm afraid the world is cursed.

A GREEN MAN'S LAMENT

I use to sell pretty flowers and shrubs,
But, my business was overrun with grubs,
Grub poison is never free,
It was too expensive for me,
So, I burned up the green stuff in tubs.

SANTA BOUGHT A CHEAP PLASTIC SLEIGH

Santa bought a cheap sleigh made of plastic,
He thought the cost savings were simply fantastic,
But, the sleigh would not steer,
Into trees it would steer,
Santa switched sleighs to do something drastic.

OH CROOKED MIGHTY CHRISTMAS TREE

Oh mighty Christmas tree,
Why did I cut one so tall,
You broke the light in the foyer,
And gouged the walls up in the hall,

Oh mighty Christmas tree,
What a crooked trunk have thee,
I paid fifty bucks you see,
When by looks you should be free,

Oh mighty Christmas tree,
You fell over with a crash,
Now grandma's favorite ornaments,
Are sitting in the trash,

Oh mighty Christmas tree,
Just give me one good reason,
Why I shouldn't throw you out the door?
And have a happy holiday season.

HANGING CUPBOARDS HAIKU

Hang, kitchen cupboards,
Screws short, unsecured, crash,
Dishes, glass breaking.

WILLIE AND THE WINTER PARSNIPS

Willie goes out into the snow,
He is buried because of how hard it blow,
But where melting snow drips,
He finds some parsnips,
Now Willie does not want to go.


Willie loves his parsnips,
He digs them from under the snow,
Parsnips are a winter crop,
Or when you’re low on dough.

THERE WAS A RED BRICK NAMED DAVE

There was a red brick named Dave,
Each day he would rant and rave,
He was part of a wall,
That stood eight feet tall,
He wished to be part of the pave.

JOHN SAW TWO SNOWBALLS FLY AT HIS FACE

John saw two snowballs fly at his face,
He tilted his head and beat them with grace,
Then he bent down,
Saving his crown,
But, was pelted with snowballs on his big base.

THE MEAL OF TEARS

Eddy had no money and felt beat,
He had been unemployed for years,
Eddy was homeless with nothing to eat,
His last meal was of tears,

Eddy was just a lonely dude,
Every one was for himself,
Each fighting for just any food,
Even rat droppings on a shelf,

One day Eddy had an idea so great,
He almost cracked a smile,
He decided not to hesitate,
But, act upon his guile,

Eddy stole a soda pop,
He stood in front of the store,
Soon there arrived a local cop,
He took Eddy out the door,

Now Eddy sleeps in a warm bed,
Each day he eats some food,
His personal blogs are well read,
On self help for the average dude,

Hunger with no place to stay,
They are our greatest fears,
But, when your incarcerated prey,
You'll have no more meals of tears.

A CHIMP NAMED LEE

There was a chimpanzee his name was Lee,
He lived in a zoo but yearned to be free,
So he sewed himself cloths,
Took on a human pose,
Then he walked out of the gate before three.

A BAD GRADING SYSTEM MR COX

There once was a math teacher named Mr. Cox,
Those that had his class suffered a nasty pox,
He would not give out an "A",
And "B's" were not his way,
But, he gave out "C's" fast like changing ones socks.

TURKEY DAY: CARVING AND EATING WHAT'S YUMMY

Turkey Day carving,
Manna peels, soft, sweet, flesh, yum,
Heavens tasty meat.

BLACK FRIDAY COMES ONLY ONCE A YEAR

Black Friday comes only once a year,
The sales are great when money is dear,
The stores slash the price,
Up to 70% which is nice,
That leaves more money for pizza and beer.

TRAVERSE BAY TIME

Traverse Bay is big and blue,
It’s water fun through and through,
You can cross with a boat,
Or else swim or just float’
But, don’t wade it whatever you do.

If you fish in Grand Traverse Bay,
You will catch something during the day,
If you get your wish,
It will be a fish,
Not a sea monster coming your way.

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SUE

There was a leprechaun named Sue,
Her hair was red, her eyes were blue,
A man from the city,
Thought she was real pretty,
So, he married her and moved to the Peru.

KALKASKA TIME-Limerick

KALKASKA TIME

Kalkaska is a place with bears,
They’re one of Mother Nature’s terrors,
If you hear one grunt,
You must not confront,
Confrontations are serious errors.

Kalkaska has a huge fountain trout,
It’s taller than anything about,
It’s really speckled,
Some say it’s freckled,

It’s really big there is no doubt.

EVIL ROY THE MOTH

Roy was a great big summer moth,
He only ate pure cotton cloth,
He would never play fair,
He ate holes in underwear,
The drafts made you yearn for hot broth.

POOR LITTLE GEORGIE WAS TEASED OUT OF SCHOOL

Poor little Georgie was teased out of school,
The kids and the teachers said he was a fool,
But, after many years Georgie finally got even,
When he created the butler robot named Steven,
Now Georgie has a mansion and billions of dollars,
His former Nemesis's are poor and live in squallers.

CHEAP BOTTLED WINE

Real cheap bottled wine,
Bittersweet kiss on the lips,
Burns when you go pee,

MY BEST BUDDIE MACKIE JUST GOT A DIVORCE

My best buddy Mackie just got a divorce,
His wife was in love with another of course,
Unfair was the court,
With the child support,
It’s the wife’s lover’s primary income source.

MANCELONA TIME

MANCELONA TIME

Mancelona had a pig roast,
They ate their pig with eggs and toast,
But then someone muttered,
Their toast was not buttered,
So,now they have no roast to boast,

If you really love to catch big fish,
In Mancelona you’ll get your wish,
They have rainbow trout,
And sunfish that pout,
And recipes to make your fish dish.

Mancelona was a real small town,
But, their cheese was famous all around,
Some saw a rat,
Near the cheese vat,
Then the cheese factory was shut down.