SQUIRREL FOOD

I shot a squirrel that was up in a tree,

I will eat squirrel meat, when I have my tea,

You know what's what's,

I found his nuts,

I will chew on his nuts, when I watch tv. 

MY SOLAR LAMP AND THE GRIZZLY BEAR, LIMERICK

I dropped my solar lamp into the lake, while forest camping, 

Now I fear the inner wires will need major revamping,

In the dark tent, my body, I lay,

Hoping for a quick, sun rising day,

Because I fear a grizzly bear, is outside my tent, stamping.

3 WISHES: COLA, BEEF AND A PORCELAIN VACATION

Jim wished that he could consume some beef

Beef and cola, for his hunger grief,

Holy Mola, 

Beef and cola,

And constipation pills for relief.

BETTER TO HAVE BUG TURDS THAN SLIME

I found a grotesque, giant, slimy slug,

Crawling across my nice clean, new, white rug,

I think it a bad crime,

For a slug to spread slime,

Far nastier than a turd spreading bug.

THE HOT TUB CLUB

I like going to the health club; the hot tub is for me,

I have often wondered, if in the hot tub people pee,

I asked my friend, the chemistry teach,

She said no problems, the club adds bleach,

And the water is changed when the water looks like tea.

THE SURVIVOR

I am a sea captain, and I sailed on the sea,

My darn ship hit a rock, and sank down, beneath me,

That left me in the water,

I swam like a sea otter,

All passengers and crew drowned, I survived, lucky.

I AM A BLOGGER THAT NO ONE READS

I am a little blogger, but I think that my blogging is done,

I published over a million blogs, and no one has read a one.

I know my blogs might give readers scares,

I just blog about big, bad, mean bears,

I would blog about cougar cats, but they ate my dog, wife and son.

WHAT I DID WITHOUT GRANNY

I danced through a canyon, toward a little city,

That is where I stopped, where I decided to be,

I had a cafe made lunch,

Two fruit biscuits and a punch,

I then hurried on home, to get granny her tea.

THE HIGH NOTES OF AMADEUS

I cannot sing one single, real high note,

That Amadeus Mozart ever wrote,

My voice is just too horse,

High notes hurt, of course,

So, I play cello, on those notes I float.

HOWLING, NO GOODS

I made paths through an acre of woods,

So I could stroll with friends from my hoods,

But, no one came near,

Because they said they could hear,

A howling, and that was not goods.

LEGS: ACCIDENT OR CRIME

This morning for breakfast, I was served toast, bacon and eggs,

I noticed in my eggs two sets of tiny chicken legs,

The sight made me so very ill,

I had to take a heartburn pill,

Was this leg scandal purposeful, is what the question begs?

JIMMY THIRTY-FIVE TOES IS A FAMILY MAN

The famous Jimmy Thirty-five Toes, had a baby girl,

The kid had thirty seven toes, and her hair was all curl,

She had a mom with three legs,

A little brother that laid eggs,

She had such nice bright and shinny teeth, momma named her Pearl.

MY SAVIOR IN A BOTTLE

My little airplane took a nosedive,

I thought soon, I would not be alive,

Then right below me, did appear,

A truck full of new, bottled beer,

The splashing beer gave me a revive.

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MY BEES FREEZE LIMERICK

I had some cute, pet honey bees,

They lived up in my apple trees,

No one really knows,

How my bees got froze,

They were found kneeling on their knees.

I MOTORBIKE: FRUIT AND SPLATTER

I bought a little motorbike, so I could journey into town,

The flying bugs splat me in the face, and that makes me have a frown,

In town, my face gets a quick wipe,

I buy fresh fruit that is just ripe,

I soon travel back to my home, the bug splatter won't keep me down.

ACCIDENTAL FOOD SUPPLY

Jimmy fell off the roof and broke all of his nice toes,

Jimmy cut each one of them off, now new ones he grows,

It is especially neat,

He grows new toes on his feet,

Jim now has winter meat, because the old toes he froze.

MY DOCTOR WHO SCREWDRIVER

On Doctor Who, it was very iconic,

So I bought a screwdriver that was sonic,

I broke it early today,

Making a pot from some clay,

Now I feel that I am somewhat moronic.

I CHOOSE THE STINKY VERSE

I live in a universe that has a verse that's parallel,

In one verse my clothes smell clean, in another they stinky smell,

My clothes in one verse, I wash and dry,

In the other, on the floor they lie,

I like best the stinky verse, so that is mostly where I dwell.

PET REINCARNATION: A BEAUTIFUL THING

My poor little pet mosquito, named Ron,

He got squished flat, and became living, non,

His new mosquito ghost,

Found another live host,

In the body of a cockroach, named Don. 

HERBIE DERBY DO.

Cute little lad, Herbie,

Wore a big derby,

Hung his stylish hat,

On his baseball bat,

When he was spooning with Mrs. Zerbie.

SHARKS IN LAKE MICHIGAN

I went out on Lake Michigan and got bit by a shark,

I did not feel any pain, then it suddenly went dark,

I woke up in the sharks belly,

Being made into poop jelly,

Far off in the distance, I heard my pet doggy, bark, bark...

DONNY IS A MUMMY

Donny was brain dead so long that his brain had putrefied,

No one dared to tell Donny, that his mind had up and died,

Donny went on year after year,

Staring at sunshine, dear, oh dear,

The sun has now dried out his skin, and now he's mummified.

THEY USED THEIR TONGUE TO LICK MY CHERRIES

On this very nice day, I went out cherry picking,

I found all the cherries, bugs were buggy tongue licking,

That made me feel sick,

I went home really quick,

The image of bugs licking the fruit, is still sticking.

BILLY SLAMS AND JIMMY SPILLS

Jimmy let out a snore,

Billy slammed the backdoor,

Jimmy jumped up,

Spilled his big cup,

Leaving coffee all over the floor.

JAILED OVER NUGGETS

Beautiful Barry had a nice little scam,

When Barry cheated someone, he'd yell "Bam, Bam!"

Big fake nuggets of gold,

Was the scam stuff he sold,

Poor Barry got caught by a cop's body cam.  

MY PIG ROAST WAS TOAST

I'm afraid I can afford only toast,😒

To feed guests at my birthday pig roast,🎂🍖

I know toast is not in fashion,👚👠🛍👔👗👖👛👜👟👞👘🕶👒🎩👢

But I'll still toast it with passion,😍

I'll serve it dry or with some butter, at most.🙁

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I LOST MY DEAD TODAY

My bird feeder went away,

When the tornado came today

Away went my little shack,

And my LPs, the whole stack,

No more can I rest my head,

While I listen to The Grateful Dead

A SPARKLER RUINED MY 4TH

A sparkler got caught in my hair,

It burned until my head was all bare,

I went home, ate some soup,

Then sat out on my stoop,

I was upset, and I needed some air.

KITTY GOT A SCARE FROM THE ROCKETS RED GLARE

The rockets were red glaring,

And my kitty got a scarring,

The booms shook my shack,

It collapsed, I want it back,

I'd have to say the fireworks, were a little overbearing.

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I LOST MY TWEETY, BUT SAVED HIS BELL

Someone launched some flying, rocket fireworks, and holy...well,

They flew threw my open window, and made a real nasty smell,

Then came a fast, roaring fire,

The damage was vast, entire,

The only thing I saved, was my pet parakeets birdseed bell.

WHAT MY POT NEEDS

I can't go to the store, oh squat!

I need a pork roast for my pot,

Plague laws keep me here,

Where fresh meat is become dear,

And, I find canned meats tasty, Hell Not!

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I'LL BE ALIVE, OR I'LL SLEEP FEEDING WORMS

When things look most, terribly bad,

I don't just mope around, real sad,

When things are at their worst,

I always panic first,

When it's over, I'm dead or glad.

VERBAL ABUSE AND I LEAVE

My boots are all covered with wet mud,

Walked into the house; got called a crud,

I have no real common sense,

But I took a big offence,

I left for the beer bar for some sud.

THE ALIEN WORM BRAIN INVADERS LIMERICK

Alien worms have burrowed into Jim's brain,
They control him with both pleasure and pain,
And, sometimes out of Jim's snout,
Some worms will pop out,
To scout for a new mind to train.

ZODIE THE VENGEFUL

Zodie had a temper, she'd get mad and start crushing bugs,

Sister Cindy was so nice, she spent all day giving puppies hugs,

Sister Zodie shoved Cindy down,

Sister Cindy made smile, no frown,

Sister Zodie sought revenge, filling Vinegar in Cindy's water jugs.

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4TH OF JULY AT THE LAKE

At the lake, Roger was roasting a pig to eat,

So I went to the lake for sweet piggy meat,

There played a two trumpet band,

As rockets launched from land,

A lake 4th Of July can't be beat.

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REECE'S RASPBERRIES

I ate all the raspberries, and I blamed it on my niece,

She is only two years old, and they'll leave her be, in peace,

I don't want to get the nagging,

From my  brother, who was bragging,

He picked the berries; I said were ate by his daughter, Reece. 

DOWN THE ROAD WITH CONSTIPATED JIMMY

Jimmy spooned down some hot chili chicory soup,

He added some fibre, to help Jimmy go poop,

Jimmy was driving on the road,

When his backend, did explode,

And his Batman underwear, would never recoup. 

LITTLE PETUNIA

Little Petunia grew by the sea,

Little Petunia popped flowers for me,

Then in the fall,

There were no flowers at all,

Little Petunia just ceased to be.

WHEN MY FLUTE BREAKS, I BUY A BETTER ONE

My glass Pan flute fell onto the floor,

It shattered, and would toot never more,

I stepped above my class,

Bought a flute, made from brass,

I now toot until my lips are soar.

MY FINAL ARRANGEMENTS MAY BE STRANGE

I arranged my funeral at the taxidermy place,

They promised that they'd stuff me, and put glass eyes in my face,

They're going to sell me online,

Personal checks, they will decline,

I'm hoping that they'll frill me up, and dress me in purple lace.

I VOTE TO SNOOZE.

To see how the candidates rate,👀

I stayed up to watch them debate,🍺

But I got really tired,😴

And my wait time expired,🚽

A snooze was my debate night fate.💤💤💤💤💤💤

WHAT?

My favorite word in a sentence was the noun,

Now when I hear someone's noun, I just start to frown,

I now only like verbs,

They're like hot spicy herbs,

Or a purple frilly, oversized wedding gown.

FRIENDS ALWAYS FORGIVE

My mother's name is Repunzel, and she has the most beautiful, blond hair,

Sometimes she will let it down, and it will roll to the bottom of the stair,

She married my daddy, the prince,

They've lived happily, ever since,

Sometimes the wicked witch comes by, their relationship, she tries to repair.

THE PAN FLUTER

I took music lessons from Mr. Poot,

He taught me the drums, and the Pan flute,

I had a flute embouchure,

So I went on world tour,

I got famous playing toot, toot, toot.

THE ITSY BITSY SPIDERS, GOT WASHED AWAY

Oh, the massively big momma spider, cried,

Because all of her cute babies, drowned and died,

They all washed far away,

Got buried under clay,

Momma trusted the weatherman, but he lied.

THE HORRIBLE NAIL MAN

Because of my horrible neighbor, Pat,

My four car tires went completely flat,

He took a long, steely nail,

Gave each tire an impale,

Now I can't get my groceries, oh drat.

TRAMP FOOD AND DREAMS

I have animal blood and sugar, to flavor my potato, tonight,

I do not have any so called money, but I am still eating alright,

Soon, when my belly gets big,

 I will be fat, like a pig,

I'll have to unbutton my trousers, for they will not be snug, but tight.

THE TEN DEMANDMENTS, DOWN THE TOILET

I posted 10 Demandments for each hotel guest,

So I won't have to tell them, and become a pest,

The Demandment number one,

Flush the toilet when you're done,

That one most people fail, while keeping all the rest.

AN AMPHIBIAN STOLE MY WHEELS

My bicycle is rolling down the road,

It has been stolen by a long legged toad,

The toad's name is berry,

He smells kind of scary,

The deep sewer is his humble abode.

Ten Trout

10 little rainbow trout,

Swam around and about,

They saw a big bass,

Under the log pass,

Now they're in his belly, and can't get out.

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BUTCHER THE BEAGLE LIKED TO EAT FLIES

Butcher the beagle liked to eat flies,
High in protein; those crunchy meat pies,
Once he chomped down on a bee,
Which made Butcher see,
When eating he should open his eyes.

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THE PROBLEM WITH MY ROOMMATE

I once had a problem, his name was Sid,

Sid was a bedbug, I could not get rid,

Sid would hold me real tight,

And would bite me all night,

Then early next morning, Sidney got hid.

TWO PICKLES AND A NIGHTMARE

Randy ate a pair of pickles before bed, on a dare,

But, then he tossed all night with a nasty nightmare,

From his belly Randy dreamt,

There was an exit attempt,

Out his bellybutton slipped the pickles with a pear.

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THE KNOT IN A FAIRYTALE.

I went to a wedding between an ogre and troll,

It was real deep in a cave, I felt like a ground mole,

Neither of them was Einstein bright,

Instead of kissing, they did bite,

They said having hundreds of kids, was their future goal.

A BUG DUG

A bug dug under my fingernail,
He bit hard and I let out a wail,
The bug dug in deep,
Which caused me to weep,
I felt better after three pints of ale.

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MY FEETS WERE STAINED BY BEETS

I decided to get some eats,
So, I opened a can of beets,
I spilled the juice,
It ran real loose,
And, stained purple my bare feets.     

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JIM MELTED AWAY

Today it got so darn hot,

It melted my friend, robot,

His name was Jim,

His hat had a long brim,

Poor Jim, I will forget, not.

ANN TEEKING

Ann Teek, divorced her mean, cheating spouse,

Used her settlement, to buy a house,

She was close to the city,

Got dates; she was quite pretty

Couldn't keep a man; she squeaked like a mouse.

TUNA IS A STATE OF MIND?

Tuna is a fish, it is not a state of mind,

I said this to a friend, he said I was unkind,

Tuna fish in the brains,

He sand, yielded great gains,

I got a new friend, who has logic I can find.