MY SWEET AND CAESAR'S FEET

The Ides of March is oh so sweet,

And I celebrate with a candy treat,

Of course, it's sad for poor Caesar,

But, he was a hard pleaser,

And, I was the slave that had to keep clean Caesar's feet.

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MY FLOWER POPPED UP IN THE SPRING

My flower popped up in the spring,

Then a cold snap did it's thing,

My flower tilted,

Then it wilted,

And, an unhappy bee gave me a sting.

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THE BUG ZAPPER OF TEARS

I had a small pet bug named Larry, he just learned how to fly,

He flew into a bug zapper, and that's where he learned to die,

I keep losing all my bug pets,

The bug zapper has no regrets,

Larry is just a pile of dust; I ask the zapper, "why".

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SNAPPING TURTLES WENT FOR MY TOES

I went swimming with the turtles, and what did I find?

Turtles like to snap toes off, which left me in a bind,

I would have drowned that day,

But a whale came my way,

The whale swam me to my home, because that whale was kind.

MY GERBIL HAD NO PEDIGREE

My gerbil had no pedigree, no pedigree at all,

So, he did not get good job interviews; not even a single call,

His vast student loans filled him with fright,

This made my gerbil so uptight,

He growled at me and tried to bite,

And, drank the whiskey and wanted to fight,

I made my gerbil sleep outside last night,

Today, I found him froze to the sidewalk tight,

Thus, ended my little gerbils plight,

His big juicy eyes were a crow's delight.

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I TRAVELED TO THE PARTS UNKNON

I journeyed deep into the swamp to the parts unknown,

I found food for dinner, for there was plenty of bone,

But what walks upright there?

A prehistoric bear,

It grabbed me and licked me, like I was an ice cream cone.

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PINE NEEDLE CHEW FOR SPOONING

I put four acorns in my green, mint tea,

That makes a bitter flavor taste for me,

I chew needles of pine,

So my breath smells fresh, fine,

Now my honey will go spooning with me.

MY LITTLE POEM ABOUT GHEE

I ordered the health food, ghee,

I thought it was to be free,

It is costly as can be,

I added salt from the sea,

Dumped it on macaroni. 

JERRY AND THE CANDY CANE

There once was a story teller, named Jerry,

In his brain, many stories he would carry,

Jerry lost part of his brain,

From a falling candy cane,

That deep in  his skull, it did bury.  

I DO MY PAINT BY NUMBERS

While everybody slumbers,

I do my paint by numbers,

I'm just glad there are no fines,

For staying within the lines,

It's an art full of choices and wonders.

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LIP-SPIT MARCH

I heard the Turkish March, as the band played down the road,

I heard the brass lip-spit spraying, as they passed by my abode,

I'm sure Wolfgang was so proud, 

The band was really, really loud,

They got tickets with stiff fines, because they broke the nuisance code.

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I WENT TO CHUM'S CORNERS TO HAVE A NIGHT OUT

I went to Chum's Corners to have a night out,

I stopped into the gas station to see what it was about,

I bought a slice of pizza and a large soda pop,

Then left the gas station for a more happening stop,

I went to the hardware to check out the sales,

I bought a new hammer and ten pounds of nails,

I bought a bird feeder and ten pounds of bird feed,

Then I left the hardware for I felt a new need,

I went to the market to get some popcorn to pop,

It was after 8 p.m., time to go home and flop,

But I still needed excitement, at least just a bit more,

So I stopped at the Chum's Corners' local video store.  

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THE ELEVATOR LIMERICK: GOING DOWN

John's elevator went down so very fast,
When it hit ground floor he lost his meal last,
All the potatoes and gravy,
Ended up on poor Davy,
And, Susie enjoyed a steak from John's past.

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GREEN THING FROM SPACE WITH TEETH

I came across a green thing that fell from outer space,

It had a small portuberance, but no visible face,

Then down at it's south

It opened a mouth,

It sucked me in, chewed me up at a whirlwind pace.

LEE'S LINCOLN LOGS

I found some big logs left by my neighbor, Lee Lincoln,

He piled them a week ago, now they are stinkin',

It is not a real surprise,

He who touches the logs, dies,

If you get close to the logs, your eyes will start blinkin'.

JIMMY TOOK CLASSES IN TRIG

Jimmy took classes in theoretical trig,
He wanted to build a space/time rig,
He wanted to go fast,
Deep into the past,
Where his knowledge would go over big.

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STANLEY WENT HOPPING MAD

Stanley was acting weird and real funny,

He hopped around like a crazy bunny,

When they sent Stan away,

For a mental health stay,

His eyes teared and his nose got real runny.

COCKROACH SUPERSIZED

I find a stinky cockroach in my clothes,

The more I spray him, the bigger he grows,

I go get a net,

He grows bigger, yet,

We're standing eye to eye, and toe to toes.

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AMY PAINTED THE FLOOR

Amy painted the wood floor,

To color it like the door,

She painted it blue,

Then it looked brand new,

Her mommy got really sore.

BANDALEITO

There was a little mosquito,

They all called him, Bandaleito,

He played a little harp,

In the key of C-sharp,

Bug spray would make him retreato.

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JIMMY BURN MOUTH AND CONTAMINATED THE COOLER

Jimmy's noodles were so hot,

They burnt his teeth that had the rot,

He sucked the water cooler,

With his drooler,

Water going down mixed with his snot.

CHIP LOVER

I love tasty potato chips,

When they're salty on my soft lips,

Vinegar sour,

Sour cream power,

Are the flavors that build my hips.

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THE BLEEDS: CURSE OF THE VAMPIRE

Wicked disease, ultimate decay,
They shun the light of every day,
No one listens when they pray,
Like angels that have fallen away.

On human blood the vampire feeds,
Fulfilling his abnormal needs,
Souls transformed like vampire seeds,
They prowl the night and spread the bleeds.

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I WENT TO QUEEN DAY IN SAGINAW

I love monarchs, so I went to Saginaw to visit the queen,

I bought her a pizza, and gave her my candy from Halloween,

I got a queen autograph,

Signed by her big chief of staff,

I then traveled back home, and ate some ham soup with garbanzo bean.

GETTING FIRED ONCE AGAIN HAIKU

Funeral worker,
Corpse, mix-up, mad people, boss,
Undertaker, not.

Car wash, day dreamer,
Much soap, windows down, wax too,
Unemployed again.

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BALLAD OF THE LITTLE TRUMPETIER

The little trumpetier,
Played best after drinking his beer,
And, for half a shot and a fin,
He'd back-play violin,
It's too bad he had a tin ear.

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WASHING MACHINE BLUES

My washing machine flooded the floor,

A soap river flowed out my backdoor,

The wet wood started to a cave,

Made the crawlspace its grave,

My landlord saw the mess, and did roar.

THE POOR HILLBILLY BILLY BLUES

I'm a hillbilly, and I really needs some more,

They call me Poor Billy, because I'm so dirt poor,

Never had no new shoes,

Or socks that came in two's,

I grew up eating dirt, because dirt was our floor.

JUST EAT, DON'T THINK

Don was so poorly educated, he could not tie his shoes,

He did not know colors, confusing yellows, reds and blues 

But Don knew how to eat,

Lots of starch and fatty meat,

When Don finished licking his plate, more helpings he would choose.

POINTY FINGERS THE TATTLETALE

Pointy Fingers was a tattletale,
He made small crimes sound like a whale,
He would sing like a bird,
But no one ever heard,
They ignored his constant regale.

Pointy Fingers was a nasty tattletale,
He snitched on his friends and made them all bail,
He was not confidence bound,
So, he was not welcomed around,
If he was seen coming in the other directions they'd sail.

PP122921

GASSY SNOWMAN PART ONE

I put beans in my snowman, to see if he would get gassy and grow,

Low and behold he farted, and the fart had a big yellowish glow,

I didn't know whatever to do,

Snowman farting is something new,

I decided to ignore, and gave the snowman a tie with a bow.

I GOT TO WORK WHEN IT SNOWS

I went out to use my snow thrower,
But, something was wrong with the blower,
Then, my snow shovel broke,
And, my old car wouldn’t choke,
To work I’ll hire someone to tow her.

I got to work when it snows,
Or, my future will get a hose,
I'll be fired late today,
When the boss calls in his say,
From Hawaii where, he warms his toes.

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TURDS, NO WORDS, HOT TEA AND BIRDS

I got out my teacup, and in it were ten black mousey turds,

I needed drink for sup, and the little turds overtook all words,

I bleached out my soiled cup,

Had it lick cleaned by my pup,

Then I made real hot tea, and ate a can of roast chicken birds.

THE VAMPIRES AWAIT

They stay out in the dark river valleys,
They do not live but, haunt our dreams,
Of their kills they keep no tallies,
Terror and bloodlust are their themes,

What sharpened hooks that bleed our necks,
That takes in life and exhale death,
No mortal signs can craft a hex,
To save our blood and human breath,

The vampires have a certain need,
Though they have immortal powers,
To quench their thirst they make us bleed,
Until eternal sleep is ours.

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SEVEN MINUTES TO READY

I get up and get me ready for work,

I'm just a humble, grocery store clerk,

I take seven minutes to ready,

Then have a coffee with dear, Teddy,

And I'm off to be called all day, a jerk.

NEIGHBORS WENT FERRELL AND ATE MY SHEEP

I had lots of sheep, a massive white flock,

I watched them like a hawk, around the clock,

Neighbors needed to eat,

Neighbors saw all my meat,

They took my sheep and clocked me with a rock.

BILLY'S BEETLE DUNG

Billy's cute little beetle ran away,

Billy has dung, but the beetle wouldn't stay,

Billy's dung,

Is far flung,

How far can a beetle run in a day?

HOLIDAY TRAFFIC LIMERICK

The holiday traffic got kind of speedy,
For those going to resorts were all chill pill needy,
But, they brought with them lots of cash,
To fix their rides after a crash,
And, have money left to stay at someplace not too seedy.

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CONDUCTOR'S LAMENT: "IF ONLY EVERYONE WERE LIKE THE TRUMPETS"

July second is finally at hand,
Time to rehearse the July forth marching band,
While the drums bang away,
Tubas ompah all day,
The trumpets fanfare on command.

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GUPPIES FOR THE FAIR OR FOOD

I raised me some beautiful guppies to sell at the farm fair,

People looked into my guppy jug, and saw no guppies there,

It seems someone's sea toad,

Was in guppy lunch mode,

In the next booth sat that toad, with a big smile and dumb stare.

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SLEEP TIGHT TERMITE, SLEEP TIGHT

Sleep tight termite, sleep tight

For you the world is all right,

Your family is all kisses and hugs,

For they don't have issues with bugs,
Like my walls caving in overnight.

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AR AND THE ATTACK OF THE HEMORRHOIDS

I have a Doberman dog, I named, Atomic Richie,

AR is laughed at because his hemorrhoids are itchy,

Across the carpet he scoots,

Amongst the laughter and hoots,

Poor old AR is howling in a vibrating pitchy. 

SWATTER HOUSE FLIES

I found my old fly swatter, and swatted a million flies,

Their guts flew into all my food, and that was a surprise,

There were guts in the refried rice,

Guts on every pizza slice,

I didn't tell the kids, so they would enjoy their pizza pies.

THE COMING FREEZE

The cold was ever creeping, real near,

Frosty toes made me quiver with fear,

Woodstove was almost out,

No wood lying about,

That winter, firewood had become dear.

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GOLDILOCKS AND THE FOX

There once was an old, old fox,

He bit on a young Goldilocks,

She kicked him in the face,

He gnawed her shoelace,

Ruining her only pair of red socks.

I WENT SALMON FISHING ONE MORNING LIMERICK

I went salmon fishing one morning,
A big fish bit without warning,
He struck with such wrath,
I fell in for a bath,
Now salmon fishing, I'm scorning.

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TWINKLE, TWINKLE, STAR GO DIE

There was a little star that twinkled, in the North, March sky,

It twinkled in, it twinkled out, I watched the star, go die,

I thought, those poor, fast freezing, creatures,

Needing that star to heat their features,

All those countless, needless deaths, drew a tear from my blue eye.

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AMADEOUS THE SKUNK

Amadeus the skunk left his scent in the air,
Everyone disliked it but he seemed not to care,
One day while all alone,
Amadeus began to moan,
Pining for friends that just were not there.

122814

BLOOD SUCKED AND THEN TEA

There was this vampire, he hung down from an oak tree,

Everyone who passed got a little neck bitey,

Blood flowed like a river,

Which made givers quiver,

They would pass out, but would make it to the next day's tea.

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THEFT OF THE SNOW CABIN

I went to the woods, bought a quaint cabin, made out of snow,

So in the summer, I would have a fancy place to go,

On one hot summer day,

I got off, and away,

My quaint cabin was stolen, and I had lost all my doe.

I LOVED AND I GOT GONGED

There are dirty diapers in the morning, and all day long,

Dirty diapers, dirty diapers, I did something wrong,

I use to be in my fish boat,

All day long, I'd relax and float,

Then I spied a beauty on the beach, and life gave me a gong.

31325

CAPTAIN MANGO TOO

There was a starship captain, named Captain Mango Too,

Everywhere the Captain went, he brought along his crew,

One night drinking on planet Mars,

They all got in fights at the bars,

They woke next day in a jail cell, all drenched in puke and poo.

31224

BARRY OWNS A BEASTIE

Barry owns a beastie and Barry named him Little Lee,

Barry found Little Lee in the swamps, eating tic and flea,

Do not know where to begin,

Barry now has clean, nice skin,

The beastie keeps Barry clean;  clings to Barry like a tree.

I GET PAID IN FREE COUPONS

My employer pays in percent off pizza coupons, he gets for free,

I wish I had some real money, so a pizza I could one day see,

Now the toilet has a clog,

Coupons, make a solid slog,

I work for coupon toilet paper, the kids can't flush out to sea.

AI AND THE LAMER GAMER

An AI invaded my Android and ruined every game,

I spent time and money uploading, now every game is lame,

I got stressed out so much,

With reality, I lost all touch,

I just sit before a candle, staring at the flickering flame.

STUPID INVADERS FROM SPACE PART TWO

Invaders from space cut and laid massive stone blocks,

They stacked them real high, like a toddler stacks toy blocks,

Traveled billions of miles in space,

They were so stupid in this case,

I showed them rebar and concrete on some Tic Toks.

STUPID INVADERS FROM SPACE PART I

Invaders from space built a massive pyramid in my yard,

It was a marker for spacecraft, so landings were soft, not hard,

Then I thought "what a big, awful mess",

I taught the invaders, GPS,

The invaders were so happy, they sent a nice thank you card.

THE SNAKE IN THE POOL LIMERICK

A snake fell into my swimming pool,

I guess he wanted to feel real cool,

He chased us all away,

On a hot summer day,

Now "no snakes in the pool" is the rule.

HEMORRHOIDS ARE DESTROYERS OF THE WORLD

Some wanted the world destroyed,

Some put such feelings, on avoid,

Then we all got nuked, 

Radiation we puked,

Just because a dictator had a hemorrhoid.

FARE-THEE-WELL,TURTLE

Fare-the-well, little turtle, as you cross the busy road,

You're being watched by others, including a fox and toad,

Because you do not move real fast,

The toad is seeing, if you'll last,

The fox just loves to see thee, turtle; he's in dinner mode.

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