I GOT MY PHONE AND MY FREEDOM, NOW ALL I NEED IS LOVE

It was the first day of October month, and my true love says to me,

"Go out and get a job today, or I am smashing your color tv,"

I did not like the mean tone,

Since, the tv is my phone,

So, now I live roofless on the streets,  but from my boyfriend, I am free.

AT WORK I TAPER OFF

Everyday I go to my terrible job,
Where the boss treats me like I'm a dumb slob,
And although you might scoff,
At work I taper off,
With each day a few hours I rob.

MY KITTY CAT

My kitty cat is a nasty yellow cur,
At me he hisses, but with others he’ll purr,
He really hates the hand that feeds,
He scratches me for fulfilling his needs,
I hope he chokes on his ball of yellow fur.

PETE THE OGRE PROTECTED HIS STASH

Pete the ogre had a stash,
He had some silver coins and a bag full of cash,
When a thief would sneak round,
The ogre made a hideously loud sound,
The thief would run off with a whiplash.

THE HARVEST MOON CHANGES PETER INTO A BIG RIGGER

The Harvest Moon rose, and was so very bright, and super big,

Pete was blinded and could not do homework, for his class in trig,

Well, Pete rested a slight spell,

On failing trig, Pete did dwell,

So, Pete chose to drop out of college, now he drives a big rig.

A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SUE LIMERICK

There was a leprechaun named Sue,
Her hair was red, her eyes were blue,
A man from the city,
Thought she was real pretty,
They married and moved to Peru.

THE BIGFOOT IN THE TIMBERED AISLES

Deep within the timbered aisles,

Lies the Bigfoot with his wiles,

Look all you want,

He's unseen and will taunt,

Leaving his hair, prints and piles.
 

I WENT QUEENING

I went to Kalkaska, to visit the queen,

She was not there, but she left her trampoline,

I did a  jumpity jumped,

Until the ceiling I bumped,

I bumped so hard, my DNA lost a gene.

THE FALCON-CHICKEN STORY

There was a falcon big and true,
He watched Jimbo's chickens from a tree limb view,
Jimbo had a rooster, chick and hen,
In a topless chicken pen,
Now, the roster's gone and Jimbo's chickens number two.

I WONT EAT THE BABY FROGS

I ate all my protein fresh, frozen and canned,

Then, I spied them through my window asleep on the sand,

They weren't corn dogs,

They were just baby frogs,

They were cute so hence, frog meat is banned.

POOR TODD OF TOOTVILLE

Poor Todd of Tootville City,

His tooter plugged and he received no pity,

In the band Todd's horn didn't toot,

So, he received the boot,

Now, he's famous because of this ditty.

BIG MEAN SISTER SHOULD BE NICER

My meanest, biggest sister pushed toward the door,

Stumbling, I slipped and slapped my face on the floor,

It made such a mess,

Bloodied my new dress,

I won't make you sick, with the rest of the gore.

HEXED IN SPACE

Leon went and bought some blue birdie, hard sugar candy,

Using money he got from the hot lands where it's sandy,

Leon was afraid of a Halloween hex,

So he launched his spaceship toward red planet X,

But, Leon's hex played in his head, "Yankee Doodle Dandy".

THE LITTLE SQUIRT DIDN'T MAKE IT TO MARS

Leon came to see me, but I didn't say a single word,

I saw 4 people walk past him, and each gave him the bird,

I knew his feelings were badly hurt,

He lost his rocket, called little squirt,

His rocket was unpopular, and he thought that absurd.

THE PHAMPHLETEERS

They hand out Pamphlets all day and all night,

About finding bedbugs, and treating their bite,

The greatest bedbug fears,

Are those brave phamfleteers,

That's why bedbugs keep hiding, just out of sight.

DENNY PAINTED POTS

Denny the pot painter was famous in these parts,

His purple painted pots, won the pot critics hearts,

He was a great painter,

Of the pot container,

For extra money, he would clean grocery carts.

THE PAINTER OF DOORS

There was a girl named Goldie Brown,

Her hair was red, like Bozo The Clown,

She slept and ate meals,

In her Ford four wheels,

Painting doors, as she drove town to town.

 

THE CARROT FARMER GOES NUTS

After creepy Mitch harvested all of his carrots,

He found no room in the house, for two squawking parrots,

Mitch left the parrots outside,

The parrots both froze and died,

Mitch dined on parrot pie, with his two silent ferrets.

ROADS DIVERGE BUT THE CHOICE MATTERS NOT

Two roads went different ways in the deep, dark woods,
I was returning home late with my grocery dry-goods, 
Down one road a bear growled,
Down the other a wolf howled,
So, I ran away as fast as I coulds.

WOODENPECKERS AND TERMITES

I found a pile of termite turds,

I was quite unnerved, a loss for words,

I used some termite spray,

Termites, went went away,

Now, I'm troubled by peckerwood birds.

HUNTING WITHOUT A LICENSE LIMERICK

At hunting camp we hunted for ducks,
But, the license costs really big bucks,
So, what could we loose?
If violating we choose,
Now, we’re in jail and that really sucks.

MY BLUE SEA-HORSEY FRIEND

My blue sea-horsey was not true,

He was more gray than he was blue,

But, I gave no spanking,

With a friendship down-ranking,

Still best friends no matter species or hue. 

TOILET PAPER VERSUS RINSING.

When the restaurant ran out of toilet paper, everyone rinsed in the sink,

When the sink was full and smelly, they used the fountain where we all use to drink,

I had one can of spray,

It did not last all day,

The health department wrote sixty citations, and used up ten pens of red ink.

I SUE OVER APPLE WARTS

I found a wart on my apple, while drinking homemade port,

So, I thought I'd take the apple maker, to small claims court,

The apple maker was a tree,

He apologized to me,

He said usually warts on apples, are found when we sort.

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEDS

Goldilocks went to a hotel, and rented a bedroom, with a bed,

But, she couldn't sleep on it, because the pillow hurt her head,

She asked, and got another room,

Fine bed, but next door was a boxed boom,

Next room, nice bed, but she had to share with a hoodie, some called, Red. 

REGARDING TUNA FISH

Regarding tuna fish, I was it's biggest fan,
Until yesterday, when I opened up a can,
It was just fins and bones,
And scales of all tones,
Maybe, I shouldn't buy the cheaper store brand.

BEWARE OF SPACEMEN WITH PYRAMIDS

A space-man built a pyramid ship in the middle of my backyard,

Then, he told me to stay away from it, and he posted a robot guard,

But, when the robot had to recharge I snuck inside the ship,

Inside, I found a swimming pool, and so I took a dip,

And, while I took a swim, the space-man stole my credit card. 

ODE TO THE BOVINE

It was a nice and sunny day,

So I went outside to play,

Found some cows and gave them hay,

They said, "get lost...", and I obey,

At night, inside the house I stay,

THE ZOMBIE IN THE APPLE TREE II

There was a big zombie sitting in my apple tree,

Now, he is terrorising glass jars, in my pantry,

He's eating all the canned pears,

And, those canned diced, carrot squares,

I no longer need the stores, he ate my family.

A ZOMBIE IN MY APPLE TREE

There was a zombie sitting in my apple tree,

Chewing on the bones of my little collie,

I called him a brat,

Told him to scat,

He just kept chewing, and looked funny at me.

MICHIGAN ZOMBIE RUNS

In Michigan the zombies all carry guns,

They smell really bad, and don't understand puns,

Like all zombies, they bite,

With no teeth, they bite lite,

And, their cheap beer gives the zombies the runs.

PUT THE SQUEEZE ON TOOTH PASTE TUBE

I think that it is a tremendous waste,
Because I can't squeeze out all of my tooth paste,
The tube is so long,
And I am not strong,
Time is short, I'll open a new tube with haste.

THE URBAN DICTIONARY AND MY DRINKING

The urban dictionary, I dunno,

The words infest my brain, then start to grow,

I went to my old pub,

Now, labeled a hub,

They're still asking for the tab that I owe.

DETENTION PSYCHOSIS IN THE 5TH DIMENSION LIMERICK

Billy's barn was in the 5th dimension,
He dreamed it up while in detention,
It was his artistic vent,
Because his mind was all bent,
Billy's psychosis had fathered invention.

WITCH SPELLING FUN, AND ZITS

Donny liked to eat a pan of bacon grease, fried grits,

But, every time he ate them, Donny broke out with big zits,

So, Donny got a witch to cast a spell,

It cleared his blemishes, very well,

But, Donny got a side affect, tuna fish smelling arm pits.

FISHING FOR GILDA

I had one worm in the bucket, but needed to catch two fish,

I broke the worm in half, and with each half made a different wish,

I caught a sunfish, I caught a big perch,

I had fish for my cats, Gilda and Lerch,

But, what I had wished for, was a raise, and a satellite dish.

STROBING MAKES EYEBALLS REALLY SOAR

There was a tiny twinkle in the little star,

A twinkle, like the big headlamp on Ned's old car,

Some call it a strobe light,

A rave party delight,

Strobe driving hurts Ned's eyeballs, he can't drive far. 

ENDOMORPH

APPLES FOR DEAR MEAT

Benny went out to pick apples, this day,

So the winter famine, Benny could keep away,

But, the apples were gone,

Ate by a doe and her fawn,

So, Benny chews on venison all day.

BELL'S WISHING WELL TO HELL

I knew a pretty, young witch named, Wanda Bell,

She wished up demons from her deep wishing well,

One gave pa a pox,

Caused ma to detox,

I took one of Bell's demons to show and tell.

THE CARP EYE ON PAUL

There was a salmon named Paul,

He liked to jump the waterfall,

Salmon girlfriends, he had many,

But, caught the eye of the carp, Jenny,

And, Jenny was no salmon at all.

LIFE ROUNDED BY TOOTHPASTE

I have toothpaste after breakfast then, more toothpaste after lunch,

I have my last toothpaste, before I do the pillow punch,

I live life around toothpaste,

Some say that's a great waste,

But, I chew my steak much easier; just a hunch. 

SPEED KILLED THE SNOWMAN

I ran over a snowman going too fast on my snowmobile,

I was sentenced to 1,000 snow days with no possible appeal,

So, I stayed home 1,000 days,

Watching television plays,

I also wrote a letter saying how ashamed I feel.

CHIPMUNKS: CUTE FUZZY DISASTER HAIKU

Chipmunks, fuzzy, cute,
Digging under fireplace,
Bricks fall, down comes wall.

Chipmunk tunneling,
Driveway cracks, deck falls apart,
House sinks, floors slant, cute!

FLYING PIG LIMERICK

Everyone wonders "when pigs fly?,"

I happen to know it’s on the 4th of July,,

They strap on firecrackers that night,

Then, they light them and fly out of sight, 

When the bombs burst bacon falls from the sky. 

  

I BOUGHT SOME STOCK LIMERICKS

I bought some stock and hoped for a pop,
But, I watched the stock price drop, drop, drop,
How could anyone know?
How low it would go,
At least at zero the price fall did stop.

I bought a stock and the price went violently down,
I ended up with a penny though I started with a crown,
The losses were so bleak.
When it is profit that I seek,
I lost my crib and will have to leave town.

I invested in stock and boy was I wrong,
Now I sit on a corner begging food for a song,
The market is bad,
It made me feel really sad,
I should have sold short but, instead I went long.

THE THREE SIBLINGS WERE UP TO NO GOOD

The three siblings told their ma, they were off to pick flowers,

It was just a lie, so the siblings could slip away for hours,

They went dolly shopping that day,

They each bought a Barbie, for play,

They could afford only one Ken doll, so he got bestowed super powers.

I'LL MAKE MY KIDS SO STUPID, THEY'LL TURNOUT JUST LIKE ME

My kids didn't respect me, because their learning went too far,

So, I banned them from the internet, and bought them a VCR,

All their books I had to burn,

Keeping them stupid, is my greatest concern,

Now they'll become just like me, and trade info at the bar.

FLIES IN THE PIE SAFE

My pie safe was filled up with pies,
And, the pies were covered with flies,
Although my deserts looked like doom,
Guests filled my dining room,
So, for desert I substituted French fries.

 

THERE WERE THREE LITTLE MICE ALL NAMED PERCY

There were three little mice all named Percy,
They attacked a nutty cheese ball without mercy,
When the cheese ball made them sick,
Then, they realized real quick,
That they'd need someone to drive them in a hearsey.

MONKEYS, CATTLE AND RATTLESNAKES LIMERICK

Two little monkeys raised and sold some cattle,
Then over the proceeds they started to battle,
One thought it was best,
That in cattle they reinvest,
The other wanted to raise snakes that would rattle. 

MY FAMILY MAKES ME SO SICK I WON'T EAT

Jerry the rabbit is always picking his big nose,

He picks and he picks, until the red blood freely flows,

He does it at the dinner table,

It makes my appetite, disable,

And, my pet monkey Trish, eats the jams between her toes.

CRANKY THE BIG BOSS, GOT CRANKED

Cranky liked bragging about all the vast riches he had,

He liked running his workers down, to make them feel real sad,

Hurting worker feelings was his sport,

Especially, since they didn't dare retort,

Then one day no one came to work, and Cranky got real mad.

I'LL GO BACK TO SCHOOL WEARING SATIN

I went shopping, but, I got ever, so boardy, board,

Dollar store tea cozies, is all I can affordy, afford,

I saw a nice satin jacket,

But, my finances won't hack it,

Unless, I get a mommy loan, working out an accord.

I WITCHY CURSED WITH MY SPELLS

I was learning to cast black witchy spells,

Along came these anti-speller do wells,

They tethered me to a tree,

To burn the witch out of me,

Through the flames, an awesome curse, I done yells.

A SPACE ALIEN POEM

A flying saucer landed in my yard,
It really caught me way off guard,
Especially when out popped two green men,
Both were tall and very thin,

Perhaps it was a grievous sin,
I didn’t fight because I could not win,
So, I decided to invite them in,
For a glass of beer and a late din din,

They ate some chicken and drank my beer,
All the while I shook in fear,
What I feared most was an alien probe,
I just wished they’d leave my simple adobe,

The aliens chewed and spit out my best cheese,
After that they seemed at ease,
I hoped my dinner did appease,
But, just in case I got down on my knees,

Finally, one of the aliens spoke,
He said my planet was just a big joke,
He said that my food and spirits were o.k.
So, my planet was spared for another day,

They said that every alien race,
Would likely visit my very place,
The food was edible and the beer was good,
The bathrooms were cleaned like a hotel should,

The aliens stole my towels and stole my soap,
Even the soap that hung on a rope,
They jumped in their saucer and sped fast away,
But, more came for dinner the very next day.

GEORGE BUILT A TEMPLE

George built a small temple, to worship a big tree,

It was built out of the wood, called mahogany,

George worshipped a white pine,

It had needles, real fine,

George boiled the needles to make vitamin tea.

DADDY, MOMMY, US KIDS, AND PEE

Mommy got two strips of bacon, but daddy got four,

Us kids, only got oatmeal, then shoved out the door,

Us kids are aware,

Society is unfair,

I have to sleep with brother Jim, and he pee and he snore.

THE UGLY BUG

Miller is a real big ugly bug,
Who wants to see his ugly mug?
It is no surprise,
Miller has bug eyes,
When a larvae, he slimmed like a slug.

IGNORANCE ISN'T JUST BLISS, IT'S THE LAW

At our schools, we got rid of all of the books,

We know all smart people are nothing, but crooks,

We replaced all the teachers, 

With porn stars with fit features,

We're teaching, the only thing that counts are good looks.