A POOR SOULS PRACTICAL CHRISTMAS WISH

I wish Santa would bring me some cloths,

Like some socks to thaw out my toes,

Maybe a coat to stay warm,

Boots to walk a snow storm,

And some pants so my legs don't get froze.

MY BULBS I BROKE

I went outside because I'm so messy,

When I deck out my Christmas tree,

My brains I soak,

With rum and coke,

That's why my bulbs are mostly broke,

My neighbor, all he drinks is tea,

So, he has twice as many bulbs as me.

I EAT AND GO BURNING

I fear I will not do so well,💀

When I die, and where I dwell,👻

For my favorite dish,🍤

Is a pile of shellfish,🦀

They're an abomination to eat, heard tell.👹

A VENISON DINNER FOR CHRISTMAS

Mrs. Claus debated what she'd have for dinner on Christmas Day,
Then, she saw all those reindeer hitched behind her husband's sleigh,
So, she cooked up venison roasts,
For all those elves she had to host,
And, Santa hoped his packages would arrive by USPS by Christmas Day.

WINTER SOLSTICE IS HERE

There's frost under my trailer skirts,

I'm under winter storm weather alerts,

A polar blow is forthcoming, 

That's why I am bumming,

And my arthritic joints all got the hurts.

WE WERE NOT GOOD: SORRY SANTA POEM

I HUNG UP MY SOCKS

I hung up my socks by the old fireplace,
Hoping that Santa would come in the night,
I had no cookies sitting on the doily of lace,
My funds were all gone was my plight,

I and my family all went to sleep,
Waiting for the sunrise,
Haunted by the promises to be good we didn’t keep,
Because Santa was all knowing and all wise,

I don’t return to the library on time every book,
My son has been caught telling lies,
My daughter, my mother’s teeth she took,
When my wife wants her way then she cries,

I’m not really sure why Santa stopped by,
For we’re unreliable, cry, steal teeth and tell lies,
But, Santa left us all kinds of food and great stuff,
For all of us it was an awesome surprise.

THE SAD BEAR AND HIS BELLY

There's a sad looking bear under my apple tree,

He ain't eating apples, he's waiting for me,

I'd give him a hug,

And pull him close, snug,

But I'd end up in the bears growling belly.

WANDA WENDT WENT SHOPPING THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS

The day before Christmas, Wanda Wendt went store Shopping,

From store to store, Wanda Wendt went whip hopping,

When Wanda uncorked red wine,

Wanda Wendt was real fine,

Then, Wanda got munchies, and went Burger King Whopping.

WANDA WENT SHOPPING THE DAYAFTER THANKSGIVING

Wanda went shopping the day after Thanksgiving,
She spent every dime that she had made for her living,
She bought the kids some electronic toys,
She bought her mate Superbowl with the boys,
Wanda bought herself a Harley for riving.

WHERE THINGS GO

Where does all the sewage go?

It flows into the sea,

To feed the many algae, so more algae they can be,

Where does all the garbage go?

It flows into the sea,

To feed the little fishes so one day those fish feed me,

Where do all the toxic chemicals go?

They flow into the sea, and kill all the creatures of planet earth,

Including you and me.

THE CHRISTMAS UNICORN BULLY

Mark the unicorn was a menace to the sleigh,

He'd stick his horn through the sides and poke the elves everyday,

Mark poked Santa too,

Which made Santa boohoo,

The sleigh crew wanted the unicorn to just go away.

JENNY THE ASTRONAUT LIMERICK

All Jenny ever wanted was to visit planet Mars,
She had no ambition to seek out distant stars,
But the space program was shut down,
There would be no planet Mars town,
Now Jenny hangs out in pool halls and strip bars.

MY SICK FLOWER LIMERICK

My flower was looking real sick,

I think it was bit by a tick,

But, it was not of high station,

Like a rose or carnation,

So, I just gave my sick flower a pick.

SANTA MAN AND THE MILK COW, AND BEN

Mossy my milk cow, she pulled Santa's sleigh,

That's because the reindeer had all run away,

Santa had gained many a pound,

The sleigh wouldn't lift off the ground,

Mossy and bull Ben, powered Santa that day.

DON'T EAT THE CHRISTMAS TREE

Mossy the cow ate my Christmas tree,

She knew that I loved it, but she had to spite me,

Mossy had a smile, I a frown,

But I turned them upside down,

For Christmas dinner we had beef, and it was so tasty. 

ZOMBIE CAMP

There are lots of zombies living out on backwoods streets,

Waiting for tourist, seasonal treats,

So come stay a spell,

Where the real zombies dwell,

Free camping, if you bring someone for eats.

"COME ALONG FOR THE EATS"

ALL I WANT

I had a hot toasted pastry for my meal,

It burnt my lips and made them peel,

I saw Santa today,

My burnt lips could not say,

All I want is a glockenspiel.

FOUND THE NEXT DAY

Scabies covered nearly all of my skin,

They're itchiness gave me a grimacing grin,

The next day I was found,

I bled out on the ground,

The police said to my next of kin.

THE KIDS FINALLY LEFT HOME

I am afraid my trailer ain't rolling nowhere,

It got ripped right in half by a huge grizzly bear,

The bear ate the kids, 

Methinks that's good-rids,

They were both in their forties, had no job and didn't care.

FIRE SALE

My prop taxes are due once again,

They've gone up on my shack made of tin,

During the last four big fires,

My trailer lost all four tires,

I just can't move away, I can't win.

MY DILLY DOG

My poor little dilly dog went swimming way too fast,

He was swimming up a river, so of course he did not last,

Down the river dilly dog flowed,

On white bubbles his body rode,

He spent three months recovering, in a dilly doggy cast.

THE FOREST MONKEY FOX

There was a giant monkey fox sitting in the woods,

He was chewing on the bones of some Red Ridding Hoods,

And, boy those bones were good,

Best parts of any Red Ridding Hood,

But, Red Ridding eyeballs taste great in milk chocolate puds.

THE GANGSTER AND THE BLUE SEA HORSEY

I got tied up with rope and thrown into the sea,

And, a 50 lb anchor was tied onto me,

While  to the bottom I went,

I reflected on life spent,

Finished swimming with a blue sea horsey.  

COOLING BANJOS

They played so fast their brand new banjos caught on fire,

The fire was so very hot it melted every wire,

Now the banjos must cool down,

So in the lake, they got a drown,

Moral: Banjos just get too hot, playing songs of love and desire.

THE SQUATTING THIEF

I heard giggles and I knew it weren't me,

It was the top cupboard; I climbed up there to see,

To my despair,

There was an elf living there,

Eating my chips and slurping my tea.

THE DOG POX DARE

When I lie I get an ache in my tooth,

But I can't stand to tell ma the truth,

It wasn't a foul fox,

That gave my brother the pox,

It was when he kissed my dog Hermes, on a dare.💋🐶

I SMELL WHAT I EAT

My name is Magnolia and I smell like a beast,

I always smell foul after a Christmas ham feast,

I like cheese, peppers and kraut,

Stuffed in piggys big snout,

What I like best, most folks like the least.

FUZZY, WAS HE, HE'S GONE

There was a fuzzy guy named Randy, 

He left fuzz all over the Candy,

Then Candy got mad,

And made Randy sad,

 With a new beau who showered named, Andy.

MOUTHING OFF TO GARGOYLES

Jim's trip to a castle he had to spoil,
By mouthing off to a big gargoyle,
Who had fists of stone,
That broke Jim's face bone,
And, caused Jim's britches to soil.

THE FAILED FORTE

Larry played a sonata on his big pianoforte,

Some thought it real funny, when Larry picked at his nose warty,

The loud laughter, it prevailed,

Larry's performance, well it failed,

Larry couldn't keep playing, so his performance he aborty.

THE ALIENS AND THE FRENCH FRY

I saw four circles hovering way, way up in the sky,

I knew they were aliens when they let their heat beams fly,

Bad for me I'm a real looser,

And, therefor not much of a chooser,

I chose to stand there until I became a french fry.  

CARS AND THE GLOW SNAKE

There was a slithering orange snake in the snow,

He slithered out onto the highway to glow,

When they saw the snow snake,

Each  car hit the brake,

Then sliding off the highway they'd go.

THE GREAT BRATWURST FIRE

I ran out the door because I was not brave,

When my bratwurst caught fire in my microwave,

I blamed it on a mouse,

Chewing wires in the house,

But, the evidence and the house couldn't be saved. 

BEN RAN-Limericks

Ben ran over a sharp wire,
It punctured right through his tire,
In just a little bit,
The wire the lightning hit,
That caused a massive car fire.

Ben hit a tree with his van,
It buckled up like a can,
Ben said he didn't care,
Then along came a bear,
Then on down the highway Ben ran.

BARN CATS NOT WELCOMED AT THE HOUSE

My barn has several stray cats,

They feed on mice and dead bats,

I let them cats be,

Feed them no biscuits and tea,

Or, they'll want to stay where I hang my hats.

WHEN THE LAVA CAME FOR ME

I have a volcanic eruption in my yard, 

It's burns my tomato plants, and fries my Swiss chard,

Oh, oh, no, woe is me,

I'm drinking lava tea,

My gut will surely ache, when the lava cools hard.

THE FLYING SAUCER LANDED IN MY YARD SAGA POEM

A flying saucer landed in my yard,
It really caught me way off guard,
Especially when out popped two green men,
Both were tall and very thin,

Perhaps it was a grievous sin,
I didn’t fight because I could not win,
So, I decided to invite them in,
For a glass of beer and a late din din,

They ate some chicken and drank my beer,
All the while I shook in fear,
What I feared most was an alien probe,
I just wished they’d leave my simple adobe,

The aliens chewed and spit out my best cheese,
After that they seemed at ease,
I hoped my dinner did appease,
But, just in case I got down on my knees,

Finally, one of the aliens spoke,
He said my planet was just a big joke,
He said that my food and spirits were o.k.
So, my planet was spared for another day,

They said that every alien race,
Would likely visit my very quaint place,
The food was edible and the beer was good,
The bathrooms were cleaned like a hotel should,

The aliens stole my towels and stole my soap,
Even the soap that hung on a rope,
They jumped in their saucer and sped fast away,
But, more came for dinner the very next day.

WHEN IS A WINNER NOT A WINNER?

Jenny won an automatic toaster,

Jim won a new oven-roaster,

Jeffy won a coat,

Jamie won a boat,

All I won was a stained paper coaster. 

THE THING THAT MAKES ME SAD

Watching the sun made my my vision real bad,
Loud music made me deaf and mom mad,
Poor posture my neck ache,
Poor diet made my leg break,
But, it's world news that makes me feel sad.

HENRY AND THE NEW MOON

Henry was a baboon,
He just loved most of all the new moon,
His girlfriend Nancy,
For Hank had a fancy,
They would sit in their tree and just spoon.

I GOT A POINSETTIA FOR EASTER THIS YEAR

I got a poinsettia for Easter this year,

It was made out of plastic and smelled like reindeer,

I stuck it in clay,

And, then walked away,

When I see it my eye builds a tear.

JINGLE BELL BERT AND THE RED RIDING HOODS

There was a bear waiting in the darkening woods,

He was waiting to steal my dried and caned up goods,

So I got my jingle bell named Bert,

I rang Bert until the bear's ears hurt,

The frightened bear then coughed up, six red riding hoods.

NOT A NICE BOSS

I am feeling extremely irked,

For one of my limericks I wrote was jerked,

I went to my boss,

He said he gave it a toss,

Because he was the boss and that's how it worked.

A BAN ON LIMERICKS

A satirical limerick was let loose,
That helped to cook a Congressman’s goose,
It made him look bad,
So, he got really mad,
And, banned limericks for satirical use.

LESTER THE GOOSE

Lester the goose was extremely proud,
He had no talent except, he was loud,
The problem is,
That when doing show biz,
Lester was not smart nor, was he well endowed.

WET SNOWMAN LIMERICK

My snowman was the best yet,

But then it rained and he got wet,

Then he turned to ice,

Which is kind of nice,

Now he never itches since he froze his head lice.

ODE TO JENNIFER THE WAITRESS LIMERICK

At days end Jennifer liked to shower,
She enjoyed the freedom to self-scour,
She was a waitress all day,
She worked hard for low pay,
The hot water let Jennifer feel power.

MY BLACK FRIDAY BULK BUYING DEAL

I bought 10 cases of tuna on a Black Friday deal,

That's 120 meals, eating one can for each meal,

So, this winter I'll feast,

Eating cans of sea beast,

While others make due eating veal.

It's Christmas, And There Ain't No Pleasing My Kid

I went out and found a Christmas tree,

It stood straight and tall, at 6'3"

I sawed it down,

Hauled it back to town,

My kid, she insisted I set it free.

THE REMAINS OF THE DAY (THANKSGIVING)

I had to remove all the remains,

My family ate turkey, the meat and the veins

But, when it came to eating bones,

The bones might as well been hard stones,

They chose pie a la mode and weight gains.

MARK WENT LOOKING FOR TURKEY

Mark was asked to find turkey for Thanksgiving,
So, at the mill he quit his job of riving,
He hoped on a plane,
For a turkey to gain,
In Istanbul you will find Mark still living.

CHEF BOBBY MAKES THE BEST SALAD

Bobby was the greatest chef,

He was the greatest chef around,

He made his meals all from scratch,

Then fed them to his hound,

On Thanksgiving Bobby had some dinner guests,

 To show off some cooking feats,

For an appetizer he made a of kind of stew,

With pickled marinated beets,

 

Bobby cooked a turkey,

Until it's skin was golden brown,

Bobby basted the turkey with peanut oil,

It was the best turkey in the town,

Bobby made some turkey stuffing,

He added cheddar cheese,

He also added ground black pepper,

This made his guest all sneeze,

Bobby made some salad,

He added carob seed,

Hemixed in all the greens he found,

But mostly it was weed.

BERNIE AND BENNY AND THE GREAT CYBER WAR

Bernie and Benny were enemies since they were four,
At everything they'd compete for the very top score,
Their tech companies competed viciously online,
Destroying each other with each techno-landmine,

The boys deployed a million geeks in every attack,
To destroy each other's systems in one massive whack,
Then, the world Internets fried and could be resurrected no more,
Ending with technogedden, the Great Cyber War. 

ICICLES: MY DOGGIE AND THE BEAR

My icicles fell off the roof, 

They melted, so I don't have the proof,

They fell on a big bear,

He gave my doggie a scare,

My doggie gave the bear a "woof, woof".

THE BIRD FEEDER LIMERICK

Little birds have a terrible food need,
So, I kept my bird feeder just full of seed,
But, the squirrels out there,
Robbed my feeder just bare,
Those squirrels are just full of greed.

 

DEAR CAMP THREE (I'M LIP SMACKING GOOD)

I went to deer camp, and a cougar was there,

She ripped out my throat, and there was blood in the air,

I could not utter a word,

And, the last thing I heard,

Were kitty cougar smacking lips at the lair.

MY GOLDEN THANKSGIVING TURKEY

I bought a golden turkey for my Thanksgiving holiday,
He was really cheap and cost me so very little pay,
But, it was really hard to eat,
His gold leaf covered meat,
And, my ulcers should be healed up by next May.

DEER CAMP 2022

At deer camp, we got 16 deer, 4 goats and ten trolls,

And Ron got two garden gnomes, methinks that he stoles,

And Frederick The Peasant,

Thought he got a pheasant

But it was a skunk; not one of our goals.

LENNY THE CHRISTMAS GOOSE

Lenny was a Christmas goose,
He was hunted while on the loose,
He did not get shot,
And, end up in a pot,
Because he died his feathers chartreuse.

Guppies Too Many

There were too many guppies in the tank,

They all soon died, and it stank,

With a flush and a flow,

To the septic they go,

I'll buy more, once I go to the bank.