NO ONE PLAYED THE BARITONE

No one played the baritone,

Quite as well as old Tyrone,

He played so melodic,

That the girls danced exotic,

In the street in a "No Parking Zone,"

FROM RUSSIA

I went to Russia to find some good eats,

But Russian policemen gave me some beats,

I got tortured  till raw,

Have a soar, wired jaw,

So forever from Russia I escaped with my feets.

I WONDER WHAT ZOMBIES EAT

I wonder what zombies like best to eat?
Is it the fingers?  Is it the feet?
Do zombies like best the naval or lips?
Or, maybe they like smacking on soft flabby hips?
I think that it's gross if zombies like eating nose,
I think it disgusting if zombies find flavor between toes,
I'm not sure which is worse:  eating intestines or brains,
But, whatever they like I wish they'd clean up the stains.

DELETE THE STINKY PROSE

I wrote some real stinky prose,
It was so bad it stuffed up my nose,
So I punched my keyboard's delete,
The lines vanished complete,
They are gone where all stinky prose goes.

MAILBOX FORLORN-HAIKU

Mailbox, forlorn soul,
Icy road, bad driver,
 SMASH! Metal scraps, goodbye.

THE INTERNET NO-BOT

There once was an internet robot,
And his name was Jeb,
He liked to mess with systems,
While playing on the web,

Jeb was a robot,
And  he always got his thrills,
By being an internet pharmacist,
And embedding poison pills,

Now Jeb is a no-bot,
Into oblivion he heads,
His tracks he did not cover well,
And he was deleted by the feds. 

SILLY GOOSE DRINKS TAINTED ORANGE JUICE

Jenny likes to drink orange juice,
But Jenny is a silly goose,
She drinks the juice when it's tainted,
With green slime all painted,
Which makes her insides really loose.

IT SLIPS AND FALLS ON MY TOES

When I pick a hammer up, it immediately slips and falls on my toes,

Then  I'm hopping on one foot in that one foot hopping pose,

The intense pain causes me mental disorder,

As I hop along the sane/insane border,

Thinking a hand tool is one of my foes.

OF MICE AND DIET

As I was sitting all nice and quiet,

The mice came out and had a big riot,

First, they knocked over my beer cans,

Then they danced on my pots and pans,

Lucky my cat had mouse in his diet. 

And the mice looked so tasty I had to try it. 

I LOST THE TIGHT SQUEEZE ON MY LOVIE

I went outside when the moon was real bright,

But it was cold and I got some frostbite,

Doc said the frostbite, it lingers,

As he cut off my fingers,

Now I can't hold my Lovie real tight.

I GET OUT MY AIRPLANE GLUE

When I have company, there is little to do,

So I get out my airplane glue,

I have models galore,

I bought half price at the store

It's easier to put them together with a friend or two.

SPOT CHECK SPOILED WITH EGGS BROKEN NOT BOILED

I spot checked my bananas and they had spoiled and turned black,

I spot checked my potatoes and they gone putrified in their sack,

My peppers had soft spots,

All my produce had the rots,

And my eggs were broken because no one knew how to stack. 

    

JIMMY'S NEW HEART-VALVE

Jimmy's heart-valve did not click,
So it made him very sick,
Too young to depart,
Jimmy chose a new part,
Now  a pig-valve helps Jimmy's ticker tick. 

I'VE BEEN CYBERIZED (I NO LONGER HAVE ANY SKIN IN THE GAME)

I looked at my body and found I'm all plastic,

I'm no longer human:  my skin's inelastic,

I don't eat, I don't drink,

Just a solar cell link,

So don't blame me if I am sarcastic. 

MY FOOD JUST SITS AS A TEASE

My carving knife is too dull to cut cheese,
My steak knife won't cut steak or green peas,
My sharpener is on the fritz,
It is broken into bits,
Now all my food just sits as a tease.

MY BAGEL LACKED CREAM CHEESE LIMERICK

My bagel was lacking cream cheese,
I had specified the "CC" and said "please,"
But I got a cheddar cheese stacking,
Plus the butter was lacking,
And too much garlic put me in a wheeze.

THE MORAL MUSHROOM RHYME

What flavor is the mushroom?

Methinks the mushroom flavor bold,

What value is the flavor?

For morals it's sterling and gold,

Moral mushroom festivals are charming,

But, in the deep timbers where mushrooms are found,

Trespassers find it harming,

And, they often fertilize the ground,

So, if you go moral hunting,

Best take a bit of care,

Or better, take a twelve-gauge,

For the claim jumpers and bear.

TO MY FIRST COUSIN ON VALENTINE'S DAY

I married my first cousin and we had 29 kids,🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸

🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸

The girls we called Marys, the boys we named Cids,👒🎩

With genetics to blame,🍷🍷

The kids all looked the same,🚼

And they all have a bald spot on their lids.💏

THE PRICE OF HAIR SPRAY

The price of hair spray has gone up, up, up,

I'll soon have to choose between my hair spray or sup,

I private teach music horns,

My low income me morns,

I'm eating only some soup in a cup.

Tuff The Tragic Wagon

Tuff was a tragic wagon, 

Parked underneath a tree,

And when that tree fell over,

Tuff became nothing but debris.

CONFUSION ERUPTS IN MEN'S CLOTHING SIZES

Onan, Dave's good friend, owns a clothing store,

It's a place that Dave will often explore,

Sometimes Dave buys size XXX,

Mens shirt sizes are so complex,

Rules on jeans sizes, confuse some more.

THE LAZY COOK

I hate doing dishes,
They pile up everyday,
Especially the pots and pans,
I figure there must be a better way,

So, now I use just paper plates,
And for silverware I use fingers,
Of course you have to wash your hands,
Or, smells of things you touch lingers,

I tossed out all my pots and pans,
That saved time, a bunch,
I now use only old tin cans,
To make my supper and my lunch lunch.

MUSHROOMS, GHOSTS AND ANGELS

Someone put Destroying Angels in my stew, 

They are said to be deadly, and that is quite true,

So exercise and dieting was time wasted,

And  the rich foods I could have tasted,

Now I'm just a dead health nut that greets shouting "Boo."

WHAT'S IN THE STEW?

Margaret, Margaret what's in the stew?
I ate here on tuesday and came down with the flu,
I use to think no stew finer,
Than the stew at your diner,
But he last day I ate here I rue.

WENT OUT FOR THE EVENING WITH A DIRTY BOBBER

The water was calm and the skies were clear,

So I went bobber fishing just off the pier

But my red and white,

Was invisible that night,

Cause my white was encrusted with worm dirt and beer.

TOO MANY SNOWFLAKES FELL ON MY SHACK

Too many snowflakes fell on my shack,
The roof caved in while I slept in the sack,
When it was all done,
I was facing the sun,
So,I rolled over and got nails in my back.

THE CREATOR

Today I'll.go outside, if I can,

To make me a perfect snowman,

First I roll some snowballs,

Then I stack them up, talls,

Then I rub him down with lotions, so the sun will make him tan.

KISSING IN THE SEA

I saw two fishes holding fins in the sea,

They were kissing and took no note of me,

I told them kissing in public was rare,

They asked me to join their pair,

Now the fishes kissing number exactly three.

MY UNICORN RAN AWAY

I was made so sad today,
For my unicorn ran away,
He didn't like my peasant food,
He said my language was gutter-crude,
And my crummy farm was just a place he could not stay.

THE TAINTED LEMONADE LIMERICK

MY LEMONADE STAND

The lemonade I sold was not from good juice,

My customers complained that their bowls got too loose,

And one lady fainted,

Then called my lemonade tainted,

I ran off when I saw the crowd with the noose. 

BONNIE THE BED WETTER BOUGHT TEN SETS OF SHEETS

Bonnie bought ten sets of sheets,
Because her accidents were repeats,
Bonnie bought six gallons of bleach,
Which turned pink sheets a white-peach,

Bonnie had bad times in bed,
It was like an ocean, enough said,
In Vegas it was a safe bet,
That poor Bonnie woke up wet.

I LOST BECAUSE THE DEALER DID NOT TELL

I thought the card dealer had a striking tell,
When his cards were really good his nostrils would swell,
His nostrils swelled big as his head,
I went all in like the tell said,
I lost to a spades straight flush from hell!

I LOST MY SPINNER

I trolled for bluegills and caught a log,

It was stuck in the bottom in a dark mucky bog,

Then my line broke,

And, like some unkind joke,

My last spinner sank into the muck fog. 

ALL POTS ARE THE SAME

My coffee maker went to pot,
I bought it cheap to save a lot,
I went back to the store,
Bought one for much more,
I thought it would be better; it’s not.

A BEAN PIE CHART

For my family I made a pie chart,

It was a bean pie so my family started to fart,

I opened a window for the breeze,

Then, someone let loose some goat cheese,

I should have used rhubarb but, I thought it too tart. 

HANG DIRTY SOCKS FOR HOLLYHOCKS

My garden was all full of rocks,
But it grew the most beautiful big hollyhocks,
Then along came a deer,
Who ate without fear,
Until I used a repellent of old dirty socks.

HECTOR THE WEASAL LIMERICK

Hector was a wily weasel,
He drove a truck that ran on diesel,
During a winter storm,
The diesel fuel didn’t stay warm,
Now hectors hair is on a brush for an easel.

BENNY COLLECTED COINS OF SILVER AND GOLD

Benny collected coins of silver and gold,
They came from the mint, authenticated I’m told,
He should have been very rich,
But there was some sort of hitch,
The price didn’t go up until after he sold.

Benny collected coins found out in the sea,
The coins were from pirate treasure as rare as can be,
But Benny had bad fate,
For the coins were modern of date,
The oldest date was just 2003.

THE SNEAKY BANKER

I made an appointment with my bank,
Because my savings was in the tank,
The interest paid was one percent,
More income was my meetings intent,

My banker looked at me really sad,
He said having a savings account was bad,
He said but, if I bought bonds I'd be real glad,
I'd earn a rate of return like dear old dad,

So, I gave him my money he invested it fast,
He said I'd be rich and my riches would last,
His firm had made billions for all in the past,
Their investments were sound and incredibly vast,

After that I went home and really slept well,
I knew that my investments would certainly swell,
But, the morning paper said it was too late to sell,
The investments I bought had all gone to hell,

It seems what I had bought my broker sold short,
Which he did not mention in his report,
My money was lost, it was too late to abort,
And the laws had been changed, I couldn't take him to court,

So, please learn this lesson about who you can trust,
If you trust in your banker you will surely go bust,
He's sneaky and, cleaver and, loves to deceive,
He purchased the laws, he has his reprieve.

VINNY THE HANDYMAN

Vinny hung a picture up on the wall,
He hung it wrong and watched it fall,
Vinny laid down linoleum in front of the door,
He used the wrong glue, so up came the floor,

Vinny rewired his old VCR,
When he plugged it in the flames shot up real far,
Vinny motorized an old go cart,
But, he was never able to get it to start,

Vinny realized he was no handyman,
So, he went to the kitchen to play pot and pan,
But, there it was evident that he was not a chief,
His baked goods were hard and he burned the roast beef.

PATINA THE BIG SPENDER

Patina was a really big spender,
She was a double overdraft offender,
She couldn’t pay her bills,
It gave her the chills,
She tried letting her credit defend her,

Patina spent her money fast,
She lived on credit cards,
Her paychecks never seemed to last,
She had holes in her leotards,

Patina knew she was in real deep trouble,
When she had to move in with her mom and dad,
Then, her folks lost their house in the housing bubble,
Now they all live on the street, so sad,

Patina wished she had changed her ways,
And, not built her life on a house of cards,
She’ll regret it until the end of her days,
Along with not buying new leotards.

THE DEVIL WANTS TO WATCH THE SUPERBOWL TOO LIMERICK

                                             
                                    There was a little devil who didn’t feel very well,
                                    He wanted to watch the SuperBowl but there is no cable down in Hell,
                                    Getting cable was his wish,
                                     But, he settled for a satellite dish,
                                     Now he feels like from heaven he never fell.

JIM, THE CUTTER OF CHEESE

Jim cut the cheese before every meal,

To most of the family, Jim's cheese had no appeal,

But he always made more, 

Had an abundant store,

He'd share cheese at work, like he was a wheel.

THE BASSOON GIRLS

Four girlfriends played the bassoon,
But, their friendship would be ending soon,
For three of them would have despair,
Because only one could be first chair,

All four girls practiced every night,
From supper time until the light,
One day they played for the contested chair,
All the music teachers listened with care,

But, three of them hit many foul notes,
The one that didn't got all the votes,
Now, the three losers their friendship has grown,
While the first chair girl sits in first chair alone.

BEWARE THE WRATH OF THE ROBOTIC BUTLER

My robot-butler gave me such a scare,
I fired him and I thought he wouldn't care
But on my brand-new cell phone,
He called up a drone,
Then I got dive-bombed from up in the air.

A CANTERBURY JAIL

I went to Canterbury and ended up in the jail,

I was considered disorderly and had no money for bail,

And there, the not friendly I met,

Who were too non-normal to vet,

Methinks, they were pirates all ready to sail.

SAM THE ROBOT LIMERICK

I once had a butler robot and I called him Sam,
He made sandwiches of goat cheese and honey ham,
And when I would dine,
He served great cherry wine,
But, he sampled it, blew up, leaving only a cam.

MY NEIGHBOR STOLE MY WALLET DURING A SNOW STORM

All that snow fell on the roof of my shack,

The roof caved in and I got pinned on my back,

I screamed and I yelled,

Along comes Mr. Weld

He only stole my wallet and told me not to tattle-telled.

TIM AND THE FISHHOOK IN THE LIP LIMERICK

Tim went fishing after a whisky nip, 
He caught his fish hook in his lower lip, 
Now when Tim takes a sip,
His drink leaks out the rip,
And, water leaks in when Tim goes skinny-dip.

FEBRUARY 1ST

It is February the very first,

It's cold, arse cold, maybe the worst,

No car ride to the town,

The darn car's broken down,

And the woodstove got too hot and burst.

MY LITTLE TEKKI TORCH

My little tekki torch
I left lit on my porch,
The porch caught fire,
Results were dire,
Nothing survived the scorch.

I WENT INTO THE WOODS HUNTING FOR BEARS

I went into the woods hunting for bear,
But, a Bigfoot had already been there,
He ate all the bears,
Except for some hairs,
And then those hairs were no more than two pair.

THE SWARM OF THE BEES

I never knew just what was coming,

All I heard was just the humming,

Then, out of the breeze,

Came ten million bees,

Although, I might have erred while I was summing.

PIG MITES

There were little mites that lived on my pig,

They were irritating, so in mud my pig would dig,

But to even the score,

The mites would bite more,

Now some mites colonized my best wig.

VOLTAIRE THE GOAT

Voltaire was a goat placed into my care,
From the cloths line he ate the kings underwear,
No undies meant the king got cold,
He got angry, so I was told,
The late king tried to butt heads with Voltaire.

THERE ONCE WAS A RANCHER NAMED GILES

There was a rancher named Giles,
He hailed from the British Isles,
He raised billy-goats,
On green beans and oats,

The smell would hit you once in a while.

There once was a rancher named Giles,
He has used up all of his wiles,
His Billy Goats won't give milk,
His worms won't sew silk,
And, his horse ran off fifty miles.

I TRAVELED BACK IN TIME TO MEET LUCY

I went back in time to visit my ancestor named Lucy,

I found her eating a big gander goosey,

She shared her meal,

Of goose and oatmeal,

Then I taught her to dance the watusi.

I WENT TO LONDON TO SEE THE QUEEN

I went to London to visit the queen, 

But the guards wouldn't let me see her because they were mean,

So on one's big puffy hat,

I gave it a spat,

The guard made me lick the puffy hat clean.

I WENT TO GRAMMY'S FOR DINNER AND A PLAGUE

I went to Grammy's and got plague up my nose,

I got covered with plague from my hairs to my toes

I hope one fine day,

The plague goes away,

Right now I'm doing the throes. 

I NEED AN INTERVENTION

I'm trying to get over my addiction to snow,

It's hard to get over when it's everywhere that I go,

I need an intervention,

For my re-addiction prevention,

Gift me a trip to Cancun, I'll go.